Emerald

Have we spoken on here before?

I don't know them that well. They had a hit song when I was in high school, and I liked it.

If a gay man hates all women or if a woman hates all women, it is likely due to resistance to their feminine nature. Feminine repression isn't just a problem for straight men. As for how this expresses itself in an individual will vary. Often, if a person has resistance to femininity (or masculinity) and they also have a sexual orientation that matches the gender associated with that energy, they will become obsessed with sex as this feels like a way to temporarily heal the divide within themselves. As for how this expresses itself in gay men, I'm not sure as I haven't had a close friendship with a gay man with extreme resistance to femininity. But I've had huge issues with repression of femininity in the past, and I developed a variety of unhealthy patterns in relation to it; one of which was sexual obsession with women (I'm bisexual). It was my normal attraction to women compounded by the yearning to be in touch with my own feminine side. Since doing a lot of work toward reintegrating my feminine side; my friendships, feelings, and attractions toward women are a lot healthier. On top of that, my self image has improved. But yes, sexuality and attraction can be separate from emotional relationships, and they can also be deeply intertwined. In my post, I was moreso talking about unhealthy sexual obsession occurring as a result of repression. This would serve as a barrier to friendship because the person with the sexual obsession might be unable to relate to someone in an intimate non-sexual way. I see this pattern in society a lot. But it need not be the case. A psychologically healthy person can sustain friendships with people of either gender, while also being a sexually motivated person.

I was agnostic leaning heavily atheist when I had my experiences too. It really is something hiding in plain view.

Message checking all day long. My recommendation is to do three 20 minute intervals throughout the day that you can check and respond to messages, emails, and texts. Otherwise, unplug. @Rasmus Does your screen name relate to the band of the same name?

I think that a lot of men and women are very immature and probably couldn't sustain a friendship with someone of the opposite gender... but this is a sign of repression and low consciousness. If you really look at people beyond your own ideas about gender, you will notice that there is a natural ebb and flow of masculine and feminine energy in every single person in varying degrees. So, we are all androgynous; some moreso than others. People with a resistance to friendship with or sexual obsession with a particular gender have a resistance to their own contrapositive energy. Men who have resistance to their feminine nature cannot sustain a friendship with women, so sexuality becomes the only means of connection. Women who have a resistance to their masculine nature cannot sustain a friendship with men, so sexuality becomes the only means of connection. So, sexuality becomes a deep thirst and crippling need for people in this state. A healthy, fully integrated person can have deep friendships with others because they have made friends with themselves. Sexuality can be enjoyed as a beautiful connection in a state of wholeness and not just a way to put a Band-Aid over the inner wounds caused by the splitting off of the contrapositive energy.

I don't want to narrow my content because my channel is about sharing insights that I've gained over years of introspection and research. It's more about surveying a lot of topics in as much detail as possible than specializing in a particular micro-niche. All the topics that I cover are generally under the wider blanket of personal development, and that there is a large crossover between each of these topics. Leo seems to have made covering a wide range of topics under the window of personal development work for him with an uncommon group of target audiences, so I'm confident that I can find my audiences as long as I can figure out who they are, where they congregate, and tailor my content delivery to them.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel worse. I sometimes give advice where validation is more appropriate. It's totally normal to feel the way that you feel. I get caught up in similar thoughts and feelings at least once a week. So, you're definitely not weird or alone in your struggle. I think it's symptomatic of being in your 20s and in that part of life where things in life aren't exactly settled yet. But it often helps me get through those times to realize that thoughts are sort of like paper tigers. They don't have any power if you don't pay attention to them. Also, if you don't feed them, they die forever. But it always takes me a long time to get to a point where I can apply this realization. But since I have been, the intensity and longevity of these experiences has waned quite a bit.

Thank you. I'll definitely do some research on long tailed marketing.

It's okay to be where you are, and it's also okay to hate being where you are. Sometimes it can feel like life is a giant rock laying right on top of me, that I just can't lift up. So, even though I'm not dealing with the same circumstances, I know the feeling of not being able to steer my life in a better direction. I get disheartened and self-loathing frequently and it feels like I'm going backwards... but it isn't so as long as I don't take stock in the thoughts that arise. I think the most helpful way to spin life in a better direction when dealing with this issue is to practice unconditional acceptance toward your thoughts and feelings. Remember that there is no 'you' to think, and there is no 'you' to feel. So, you literally have no control over either of these things. You are not your thoughts. You do not control your thoughts. You do not control the content of your thoughts, and you don't have any say in the emotional reactions that come up as a reaction to the thoughts. So, your thoughts and your feelings are no more or less 'you' than any other phenomenon in nature be it a sunrise, ripple in a pond, or storm cloud. So, accept every thought and emotion that arises, because they have as little to do with 'you' or 'your worth' as ants crawling uphill. Imagine being falsely identified with an anthill and worrying and thinking "the ants shouldn't be crawling that way!" You have as little control over thoughts and emotions that spring into your awareness than you have over those ants. So, don't believe a single word that your mind tells you... particularly if it's negative and effects your self-esteem. You know it's an ego illusion for sure if it makes you feel worthless. It's a great litmus test for ego. I hope that you feel better soon, and can steer your life in a direction that suits you much better.

From watching almost all of his videos regarding spirituality: yes and no. Yes in the sense that God (spirit) is what existence and non-existence is comprised of. Enlightenment is the realization that you are God and that reality is this. No, in the sense that he doesn't believe in a God-image. He doesn't think that there is a man in the clouds... nor does he subscribe to any particular religion.

I resonate with Teal Swan's "spiritual map." Basically there is Source, which is everything in existence. This manifests as everything in existence. So, there is the highest level of truth where everything is one... Source. Then there are other dimensional levels where there are soul streams and delineations between the various expressions of source, all the way down to the third dimensional expression where everything is separate.

That's funny. The process you described on my thread reminded me of spiritual autolysis, and I mentioned it in my reply.

Thank you.

So, enlightenment is a complete awareness that everything is in constant flux. When I had my 'ego-transcendence' experiences, I was free from attachment and not afraid of anything including death. So, I had no attachment to my own mortality or ego. I preferred to live and enjoyed life very much, but if I were to have died then I would have accepted it without resistance. This is one of the things that I missed most about those experiences. Now that I am not in that state of being, I have all sorts of attachments and resistances. One particularly problematic attachment, I feel a little nervous to share, because it's very personal to me and I go to great length to hide it in daily life. I really don't like it because it's "unbecoming" . This is attachment to my physical appearance and sexual identity. I am 26 years old, and I'm having insecurities about getting older and losing the attention associated with being a young woman. It feels like I have this identity and that I'm not really enjoying it or using it. But I have no idea what to do with it, what I want from it, or even the full extent of why it causes me such grief and attachment. I'm not trying to attract a mate, and I don't consciously get any advantages in life from it. I'm happily married. So, it's likely sexual instincts clashing up against social norms, in a Catch 22 kind of way. So, it becomes a weird kind of empowerment spiked with disempowerment. It is like a giant can of worms that opens up any time I try to exercise the more feminine aspects of my personality, especially anything to do with sexuality. I really hate the way that it makes me feel, because it gives me this really raw, self-hatred feeling. It really colors my identity (sexual and otherwise) in ways that feel really un-natural and stressful to me. It also makes me feel bitter and jealous that men don't have to experience this same sort of "identity death" until much later in life. I'm aware that this isn't men's fault, but it still upsets me and I have resistance to this part of nature. Either way, it's a major attachment that I have, and I suspect that overcoming it will be necessary before progressing further toward enlightenment. Several weeks ago, I posted about an experience that I had where it felt like my senses were "collapsing in on themselves" and like "I" was going away. I was only "brought back" when thoughts of these insecurities popped into my field of awareness from out of nowhere. I felt a really horrible, traumatic feeling after the fact. These insecurities have been on my mind 10x extra, ever since. So, I suspect that my ego is using these insecurities to sustain itself. Does anyone have any ideas of how to let go of a particular attachment, without repressing these thoughts or feelings?

I agree. I've done far too much rationalization. It adds more to the thought stories that I'm seeking to starve.

I have taken this one before. It was the one where I got 68 sexual 52 self-preservation 54 social. I'm going from memory but I took it a few weeks ago. I think this type of test is good for someone seeking to understand themselves rationally. It can help with making life decisions. But I've done a ton of rationalizing and I have also taken a ton of personal assessments (MBTI, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, etc.). I feel like I know a lot about my feelings and where they come from. But I feel like, at this point, self-knowledge and understanding in this way may actually be playing into my attachment. It becomes more content added to the thought stories that I want to detach myself from. But thank you.

Thank you. This reminds me a bit of spiritual autolysis. I think I will try this in relation to ideas of worth and significance.

Spot on. I have a lot of comparison-mindedness. I think, for whatever reason, I've always felt a background sense of self-loathing. When I was a teen, I learned to stave off this feeling of worthlessness by engaging in various self-improvement tactics and achievement ventures. I developed myself as a thinker, hard worker, and as an artist (I'm a painter... ironically enough). I was really trying to self-actualize. Every time I would achieve something or out-do someone, I'd feel a short relief from my self-loathing. This put me ahead in life in many ways, but it was always spiked with some degree of negativity. Then, when I had my 'ego-transcendence' experiences, it was clear to me that I was struggling and striving for a sense of significance and battling a deep inferiority complex, by seeking to be "superior" to others according to the standards I had set. It painted me into a box, and I was unable to really be free. So, afterward, I sought to relinquish my achieving, self-actualizing nature. This was when my issues with vanity, came to a head. I had always had some issues, that I mostly kept under wraps and unconscious. So, I think that, when I stopped myself from achieving, I unconsciously sought another way to "achieve" and distract myself from the feelings of insignificance. So, instead of trying to achieve significance through personal contribution, I started to seek it by being attractive... which is far more problematic. But you are very right that this is the thing that I need to address.

That's true. Everything is always in a state of constant change. Change is the only guarantee. That's why this is frustrating for me. I know all of these things rationally, and I have even explored myself deeply and introspected on this issue many times. But the emotional attachment still remains and causes me much unnecessary distress. I think I just have to starve the thoughts of my attention through mindfulness while learning how to accept myself unconditionally separate from others' opinions of me. But I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery... especially on the face. It often looks really weird. Not to shame anyone for their choices, but it would be something that I'd want to do.

That's true. I suppose that I just want the two to go together. I'm fairly idealistic, so I want a particular self-image which clashes up against reality. However, if given the choice, I would choose to maintain my other virtues over looks any day because they are much more fulfilling. Plus, I'm not even Miss America in the first place, so it isn't like my looks have ever been my greatest strength. I've always valued my intellect and creativity more, and had more to contribute in those areas. My skills, talents, and personality traits give me a lot more positivity in my life. Also, if I look out at reality, there are a variety of different looking people and I value them for their personality and not their looks. I guess I fear becoming dull to the eye of the masses. I want to be an interesting and magnetic person, and I've come to equate a woman being interesting with a youthful appearance and sex appeal. It's likely an outgrowth of the media's influence on me, because I don't think that it actually comes from reality. Normally, the most interesting people are hardly ever the most attractive. But my ego distorts these facts, and tends to live in a world of ideals set up for only me to live up to. I've also had a lot of negative feelings, dating back to my childhood, regarding being female. I was indoctrinated into the idea that masculinity is much better than femininity. So, as a child, I adopted a more masculine persona and even felt superior to other of my female peers who showed evidence of femininity in their personality. When I was about 10 or 11, I used to ask other kids to hurt me to prove that I wouldn't flinch and outright refused to make friends with girls. Luckily, that phase passed before I got into middle school, but even then, I was always unconsciously trying to escape my femininity. Only when I was 20, did I realize that I had major issues with feminine repression and sought to reintegrate my feminine traits. I think this issue is sort of the residual effects of this early repression. It's a real bottleneck.

I would wager that, when the time comes, I will relinquish my current identity with more ease than I now imagine. It's normally the case. For example, when I was about ten years old, I remember thinking that I would be afraid to give up toys and cartoons when the time came. I was afraid of losing my identity as a kid. But I left childhood with ease upon becoming a teenager. I was the same in my transition from teen hood to adulthood. The primary difference here is that society's ideal view of womanhood is to be a beautiful young woman. So, because I'm very idealistic and want to be my best version, I want this part of my identity to appreciate in value like the other parts. Unfortunately, physical attractiveness is a depreciating asset, by its very nature. Men have some degree of issue in this way too, although society tends to value men for their contributions more than their physical appearance. So, there's more of a social give and take. Men don't rely as much on their physical appearance in the first place, so it's easier to let go of for them and for society. Ultimately, the primary issue is that I want some kind of significance. I want to be valued. It's truly an issue of self love, more than anything else. And my identities are at war with one another, in an egoic self-hatred battle. But I'm hoping that, with age, will come maturity and that I'll be so over this issue once I get to that point.

Definitely. I might have sounded as though I was saying I should detach from sexuality in the sense of stopping being a 'sexual' person. Sexuality is very natural, and I don't want to leave anything natural behind. I only want to leave the thoughts and assumptions that are barriers to my sexuality and authenticity behind. I want to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak... even though I know that the chaff is natural too. But I agree that sexuality just is. It is a natural force, and that it should be accepted and have non-judgmental consciousness applied toward it. But the attachments and unconscious/conscious beliefs that I have spike it with all sorts of negative emotions... so very often it leaves me feeling a little conflicted and very unsatisfied. It turns something that would feel positive into something that causes a lot of anxiety.

Thank you. Since being on the forum, I have come to similar conclusions about the present moment being the only thing that I can "know" for sure. Somehow, this has helped me in relation to straightening out things that are more on the metaphysical side of the coin, but not the mundane way... if that makes sense. It might be that I avoid taking apart the more mundane barriers because I'm not as interested in them, and they cause me more insecurity. But I will try to focus more directly on this idea in relation to my insecurities. Maybe bringing myself through the process of thinking about it and deconstructing it will be of help.

One that really threw me for a loop was about boundaries. When I was 20, I had two artificially catalyzed 'ego-transcendence' experiences where I felt and lived in a state of complete connection and oneness with the rest of existence, for a few hours. They were so amazing that I (foolishly) tried to replicate them in any way that I could. I tried a lot of stupid and harmful methods, where I was trying to push away practical truths and apply metaphysical truths instead. So, I decided that because I felt boundless during that time, the solution would be to have no boundaries between myself and others. So, this opened me up to a ton of negative influences... especially as a young woman. So, on the metaphysical level, we are boundless and intricately connected. There are no boundaries. On the practical level, we need strong and healthy boundaries to function in life. Here are a few more: - We have no free will. But if we behave in this way, our lives will be terrible. - There is no "me." But if we behave this way, our life will be dysfunctional. - All of life is an illusion. But we still suffer consequences within that illusion, if we let go of responsibility. - We should practice unconditional love and acceptance. But justice and accountability are important for helping society function. - Death is an illusion. But if you throw yourself into a wood-chopper, you will die.