Emerald

There are subtle colors everywhere. Nothing is only one color.

The only time in my life where I was truly at peace and loved myself, was when I experienced ego transcendence. I don't really have the luxury of not taking it too seriously because I know that's the only way that I'll ever really feel okay. I know it is the only thing that will ever give me what I have been seeking for in my entire life. When I experienced ego transcendence, I realized that I had always been seeking it all along through many different endeavors including career goals. I'm unfortunately stuck in the middle of the pipe. I can neither transcend the ego nor can I take my search for ego-transcendence more lightly. I sometimes wish that I had never experienced it, simply because I'd be a lot more successful right now. I had huge ambitions before those experiences. But the ambitions were what was causing me so much suffering, and I saw it clearly without the ego there. Now, I still have ambitions, but I don't take them all that seriously. I try to let go of the need to be seen as somebody or to leave some legacy. But I still enjoy doing things that I like.

I know that it might seem like I'm beating myself up, but I'm really not. I'm really just trying to be as honest with myself as I can be without labeling it as negative. So, I notice myself being dishonest and manipulative all the time in very subtle ways that I could very easily overlook. But I think of it as a neutral thing that I am this way. I don't consider it some personal failing of mine. It's just where I am right now.

I'm glad that you perceive me that way. It makes me feel good. I just tend to eye myself suspiciously and have a hard time not getting too into the weeds of my intentions that are below the surface. But it does genuinely give me a little boost to hear.

I have to keep remembering not to think of this or that experience as negative just because it frazzles me. Then to also remember not to label the frazzling as negative to. And so on and so on. But I'm always falling for it. I'm like the mindfulness practicing equivalent of someone who always falls for the "What's that on your shirt?" joke. Somehow, I still expect something to be there.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Exactly the thing you said is normally what brings me comfort in life to be able to think that way of myself. And in any other context, I would accept the compliment without protest. It is a very nice compliment. It's my favorite type of compliment to get. But since we're on the topic of egos and personas, what you think of me is the result of a very sneaky and subtle type of dishonesty that I use to build my persona. I'm trying now to become more aware of it without squinting my eyes any. I find that I can strangely use honesty for dishonest purposes. In fact, I'm even doing it right now as I type this message. It's inescapable to me from where I am. I'm always trying to manipulate the situation so that I can appear a certain way. But what really want in all my semi-unconscious tricks is simply to love myself and be at peace, which I only ever was capable of when I transcended the ego. I don't think I'll be capable of true honesty until I have overcome attachments to nice appearances or wise appearances. But thank you all the same.

I had wondered for a little bit if that's why you're on this forum too. Do you feel like it's been helping you get disenchanted with your self-concept? My issue is that I still feel myself grasp for meaning in embodying a similar-ish persona to you and most others on here. I can sense a subtle fear of becoming nothing whenever I consider leaving it behind.

Have a good night.

You still didn't answer my question. Why are YOU insulting me?

@Prabhaker Are you doing a similar thing to what I'm doing now with regard to the trying to become disenchanted with intellect?

Why are you insulting me?

It's normal for a person who's identified with the ego to be bothered when someone attacks the ego. Normally I'm pretty good at playing the role of the bigger person and just ignoring it or pretending that I don't see the insults. It deprives him of the chance to hem me into an argument. But this time, I decided to clap back with full honesty, instead of just pretending not to be bothered or above the situation, as I usually do. You have to understand that Mike and I have been corresponding on here and on my channel for a few months now. So, it's a little irksome that the very first time that I come back at him with a mirror to his own stuff, that there's a person that automatically starts calling me aggressive and presumptuous, like I was doing it out of nowhere. Sorry, I'm normally better at hiding my ego than that. However, there is a chance that he's a master ego-poker like @Prabhaker said. Having had my channel for about a year and a half, I've noticed that there is a certain type of antagonistic people who all have the same kind of feel to them that come and try to challenge my ego. At first, I was easily upset by them, and felt the need to tighten up. But I usually learned to loosen up and hear what they were saying, and it has helped me. However, I still assume that everything that I wrote about Mike is true, because that's what it looks like. That's my honest perceptions of him. And if it's true, I hope that he can learn to see how it is true. So, it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and acts like a duck. So, it probably is a duck. But there's a very small chance it could be some other type of bird that I've never heard of before that happens to look just like a duck. But I'd bet money that it's a duck.

These are my honest observations though. He certainly hasn't been very conservative about his observations about me.

It's definitely a waste of time. But he's been taking a lot of little jabs at me for a while now. Normally, I just ignore the jabs and answer as though no insult were intended from him. However, this time, I decided to clap back a little bit and hold a mirror up to him, since he's been putting a microscope up to me.

Then why have you continued to reply to me with various insults and nay-sayings? If you think I'm on the wrong path, why can't you just accept that without having to try to control the situation or prove me to be some kind of dishonest or foolish person? I already told everyone that I am dishonest and foolish... but I'm slightly more honest and wiser for being able to admit these things to myself. I know my honesty limits and I'm trying to push them to the brink of how honest I can get. But my question to you is, when are you going to start being honest with yourself? I've heard you deny a lot of observations from others who have posted on this thread either in my defense or simply in their own defense. So, consider that the following might be true and that you may be deceiving yourself. Here's what I believe based on what I've witnessed: You are angry and agitated and that's why you're always in arguments. You are trying to take jabs at me just for the sake of feeling superiority over me because you feel put out by me for some reason. You are pre-occupied with me and what I'm doing. You do believe that you're wiser and more intelligent than others. You are using the forum to prop up your sense of identity by establishing yourself as a voice of reason. Would these things be so difficult to admit to yourself? Could you still accept yourself if these things were true? You may come back at me and tell me that I'm projecting and making assumptions. But this is certainly what it looks like to me and probably most others. You can't expect for people to see something that walks, talks, and acts like a duck and not assume that it's a duck. You may hide these things from yourself. But you can't hide it from other people. So, a big part of right speech is honesty. Why don't you take your own advice and practice right speech a little? And a little humility and brutal honesty will be much better than grand-standing on your own high horse like you're the voice of reason and wisdom to tell others what they should or should not be doing on the path.

Listen, Mike. I don't know why you're so pre-occupied with me and what I'm doing. I could be going in the wrong direction, and that's fine. I trust that I'll get back in the right direction eventually, if I am. However, I do believe that right now is my time to let go of intellectualization and getting wrapped up in thoughts. So, I believe that the best thing I can do right now is to try to get disenchanted with it. Otherwise, it will be too strong of a pull since it will (mostly unconsciously) feel like an outlet to get over my sense of self-lack. I've looked into a lot of systems for reaching enlightenment, and they've all been really great for me when I looked into them. But in all honesty, if I were to do that now, it's simply to delay the actual task of relinquishing all security blankets that insulate me from the experience of emptiness that creeps on me daily now. I want to go somewhere, read something, check my emails, talk on here, clean the house, etc. It's only when everything loses meaning, especially intellect-related things, that I can actually face reality for what it is. So, tell me about what "right speech" entails.

Samma-Vaca

I recommend The Red Book and The Undiscovered Self from Jung. The Red Book is really the basis for all of Jung's other work, where he interacts with various daimonic forces in his own psyche. It's a dense book but it really gives you an idea of how his theories came to fruition. I've also read a ton from other authors working under the Jungian model which I found to be very relatable. My favorite Jungian author is Jean Benedict Raffa. I also have read things from June Singer, Maureen Murdoch, Monika Wikman, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Robert Johnson, and John Stanford which were really beneficial to me in varying degrees. But I'm not really lonely persay, other than the natural loneliness that comes with ego-identification. It's just that the path changes as you go along it. There is a saying that goes something like (paraphrased) "At first there are rivers and mountains and trees. Then there are no rivers and mountains and trees. Then there are rivers and mountains and trees." So, each phase of the journey is different from the other. So, if you are new to the path, don't feel bad or get discouraged when you lose interest in things that have been vital to you in the earlier stages of the journey. Allow yourself to resonate with what you resonate with for a time, and then let go of it when you no longer resonate with it. Trust your intuition and flow with it to whatever resonates and feels expansive.

It's still nice to say thank you when someone pays you a compliment. It speaks to their character more than it says anything about me.

I still don't think that you understand. But that's okay.

Thank you.

Philosophy will not get you any closer to enlightenment, if that's what you're after. And you won't be able to figure this out using any kind of logical form of reasoning. Logic is based upon the illusion of reality and takes its premises in the content of the world as understood in an external objective manner. So, we assume that reality is something that many others are experiencing that works in generally predictable way as observed by science and practicality. However, if you're looking for a non-dual experience of reality, this assumption of how the world works will only hinder your ability to experience this. You have to be able to set beliefs aside and simply experience what is there. So, trying to understand reality through the lens of logic or science or ideas will not work because the premise is interpretive and dualistic and the experience you're seeking is about being and non-duality. So, the finite non-dual interpretations that serve as the measuring tools of the human mechanism cannot fathom of or measure the non-dual and understand it because they are not compatible with one another, like trying to load Microsoft Word into a toaster. The reality has to be experienced. So, don't worry about proving or dis-proving the "no selfness". Just perceive whatever you perceive.

It is something that I can notice if I do nothing else but that and observe carefully. However, the noticing still takes a concerted effort for me because I still want to fathom of the experience and create a concept to go around it, so it isn't how I walk through life. However, it is something that can be noticed and the noticing can be practiced.

You have six modes of experience: Sight, Smell, Taste, Touch, Hearing, and THOUGHT. Judgment comes in the form of a thought. The thought itself is an empirical part of reality. The content of the thought is not empirical though. The content of the thought is an illusion. The thought itself is not an illusion. And thoughts come up at random. You don't will them or control them. You just have become identified with this process through an assumption that thought = self or that thoughts come from a self. But there is nothing in reality that actually confirms this to be more than a belief. So, it would be the same thing to identify yourself with any other natural process that we identify as being external to us, like a thunderstorm. Imagine how crazy it would make you to identify with a thunderstorm and feel like the rain was happening wrong. It's the same idea with identification with the thought creation process. The trick is to experience reality without laying beliefs, interpretations, and assumptions over it.

Intellect-based teachings are things that can be learned conceptually. They are teachings. The most effective intellect-based teachings are designed for unlearning untruths. The thing that I need is more about letting go of ideas and concepts so that I have nowhere to hide. In order to do this, I must implement a practical process for allowing the thoughts to be there without getting involved in them. Basically, I have a neurotic clinging to intellectualization and to see my primary worth as a person through my intellectual abilities. And that's the tendency and attachment that needs to be let go of. So, to learn more teachings would be to exacerbate this issue because I can use it to prop up my identity. Plus, teachings have lost meaning to me and I can barely listen to or read anything anymore without losing interest. So, I take that as a sign that right now is the time for me to really let go of the illusion that finding understanding will lead to an experience of Truth. Right now, my practice is to engage in all sorts of interactions that involve my "wise person" ego identity and to try become disenchanted with it and detached from it through realizing that it isn't giving me the peace and fulfillment that I really want from it. It helps to see a lot of others playing the same game as me because it destroys the illusion that I'm special. Prior to being involved on this forum and with my channel, I was the lone person on this path which came with a certain delusion of grandeur. Now that I see others, I realize that it's silly. It would be like me thinking that I'm special because I'm a stamp collector or something. However, I haven't exhausted all outlets for this identity yet. Otherwise, my practice is just to notice throughout the day when I'm engaged in intellectualization and to cut the conversation short by anchoring myself back in my sensory experiences. I think that I'm making progress with it.