Emerald

I may in the future.

I believe the statistics but (given my experiences) I think that those studies show more of a correlation and not necessarily a causation. I think this finding has much more to do with the type of person that only has one partner in the first place as opposed to the actual activity of having many partners or just one. From the perspective of the divorced people who have had multiple partners: A lot of times, people look for multiple partners or end up hopping from relationship to relationship because of psychological hang-ups that sap them of their happiness and stability. So, a person who rambles a lot as a single person will likely take this into their relationship dynamic and will eventually feel the weight of their unmet needs and come to the conclusion that divorce is the necessary course of action. Then, they will end up in another marriage and find themselves in the same spot again as they may feel that they can either be single and alone or married and trapped. But this won't end until they figure out what they're really looking for, which can only be found inside of themselves. From the perspective of the happy people with the same partner for life: Also, it's important not to underestimate a person's ability to lie to themselves about how happy they are. If a person has invested a lot in a relationship and the fact that it's been their only relationship, they're unlikely to break it off just because they don't want to lose that part of their identity. So, even if it's a really unhappy relationship, fear of the unknown, fear of loss of friends, home, identity, and stability, along with social taboos regarding divorce may lead a person to convince themselves that they are, indeed, in a happy marriage when they are not. I know that with my first boyfriend, we were together for four years and it was an objectively awful relationship that was a huge weight on my life. But I still thought I was happy and I was very attached to the idea of only having one partner for my entire life. But when I had my experiences of ego-transcendence, one thing that became totally clear was that I was miserable in the relationship and that the weight of "staying together for life" was sapping the relationship and myself of even more happiness. So, the findings of those studies are predictable and undoubtedly accurate but don't necessarily point to the real truth of the matter given the degree of unawareness people have relative to their uncomfortable emotions.

Don't think of it as super idyllic. There were times, just a couple years ago, where we were both mired in psychological hang-ups which caused a lot of strain on our relationship. I even entertained the notion of splitting up for a while because I felt trapped in a bad spot. But I've done a lot of work on myself, and he's done a lot of work on himself too. So, we're much better than we used to be as we've dropped some of our baggage, and I can't see us falling back into such a bad spot again anytime soon. But we still bicker from time to time. So, I would say that our relationship is in the healthy range and that we feel secure about it. But we definitely have our issues still. So, I don't have any recipes for success, other than to take responsibility for your own psychological healing and hope that your partner does the same. If your partner doesn't follow suit, the relationship may unfortunately not be fixable. Luckily, my hubby has put in a lot of work into himself. So, I'm very grateful for the relationship that we have, and I'm super proud of him.

That's true. I'm incredibly lucky for the circumstances of my birth.

I'm very glad that I had one long relationship, a couple short flings, and a few one-night stands before meeting my husband. This is simply because the short things truly pale in comparison to my relationship. So, they don't compromise it. In fact, the dating scene is pretty sucky so I would hate to go back to it, even if there's a certain type of excitement to it. But if I hadn't experienced these things, I know that I would always be wondering about what it would be like to have those experiences if I did not partake in them. So, my view is to let life be a full adventure and try to experience as many things as you can until your intuition leads you elsewhere.

My thought is that it's important to experience both. I think that if a person gets into a relationship early on and never has the ability to experiment with other partners, that this will create a lot of tension and regret. So, my advice is to have as many experiences as you want to when you're young until it gets old and boring, and then settle with someone that you have a deep friendship with. But you have to be truly done with the short flings first, otherwise you will feel torn.

No. That's not true. But I understand how it could be perceived that way. I just don't know any other way to be. This way of interacting has always been the way I talk to people. But if my way of being is too much for your nerves, then we don't have to continue this conversation. Have a nice day!

I agree with this.

I understand. If you just didn't get it, then I understand why you responded to my posts with hostility. But my whole purpose for interacting on this forum is to try help people through their issues. It's something that I enjoy doing. So, the number one thing to do is to try to harmonize perspectives before trying to help. So, I meant no antagonism by my reply to you. I feel like, when you read my post, you just saw my gender and assumed that I was being confrontational and antagonistic with you. But that's not true. I really was trying to help you with your dating/relationship endeavors. I do admit, however, I felt a little incredulous and amused when you told me to "stay in my own lane" because I don't really have any thing of substance to say about female emotions BECAUSE I"m female. But that just made me giggle a little at the illogical and contradictory nature of what you posted. But, forget about understanding what I said about dating dynamics. Those are more advanced issues for a later time. You need to first learn to be whole within yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else. If you try to have a relationship with a woman at this point, you will suck each-other's souls dry. It seems to me that you're suffering from repression of your feminine side. You will have constant issues with women until you learn to do this. You will feel like women are antagonizing you at every turn... despite the fact that, deep down, you know that this isn't true. Here's a video about the Anima and how men and masculine-oriented women can integrate the feminine part of themselves in an authentic way.

Yeah, I agree. I think human beings are all really complex, so people can look over their own needs if ideals get in the way. But, I hate to see people shoot themselves in the foot and assume that people are very simple. Relationships will be nearly impossible for a person who assumes that they know more than others about their own experience. Generally speaking, however, you don't want to mess up the "mating dance" by asking the girl you like what she's attracted to. But asking a woman (particularly an older woman who is into introspection) about the mechanics of how a woman develops an attraction to a man is probably a wiser course of action than to listen to some guy's interpretation of a woman's needs from the outside. You have to be in this, to really know what it's like.

Just more projection...

I'm not playing with you. I really am serious about what I'm saying. And if you go back and read my posts with a clear head, you'll see that I was trying to level with your perspective. But I did come up with the joke myself.

Precisely my point.

You still didn't answer my question. You just jumped around into very illogical forms of reasoning that have very little in common. It was like you went "Kevin Bacon... Bacon Bits... Megabytes... Megaman." Therefore Kevin Bacon is Megaman!

Rule number one is smart if you're looking for women with a moderate to high degree of unawareness relative to the often counter-intuitive nature of their own emotional and sexual needs. And this is common because society doesn't encourage this type of awareness and has historically met it with huge resistance. So, you will have a larger pool of women to pick from because this unawareness is common... but... But a woman who fits this description will often cling to social ideas about what's proper and should be empowering for a woman to feel and do relative to sex and is easily blind-sighted to the primal nature of her own instincts which she may unconsciously fear will strip her of power and autonomy. So, many women prefer to ignore this crazy rabbit hole and just tune out from it because it's easier to make up a nicer story. And this is why rule number one is rule number one in the first place. Many women will logically think that they want one thing because of social conditionings, discomforts, and fears, but their emotions are telling them a different story. But because most people don't listen to their emotions very well and just treat them as nuisances, she is far more likely to tell you what her mind has decided that she wants than what she actually wants. But this tuning out will give her very little ability to control and utilize these instincts for her own true desires to be met and it will cause a disintegration within herself. So, she's easy to pick up with the tricks that can be learned from textbooks because this causes a deep unconscious need to which these buttons can be pushed very easily. But she will often come out of the situation very bitter, unfulfilled, and hurt because it doesn't resolve the issue of unawareness. In extreme cases of repression, she may even come to think that her partner took advantage of her despite being a willing participant, due to social taboos surrounding female sexuality and an unconscious desire to explain away her wrong-doing. But rule number one is incredibly stupid if you're looking for a woman with a high degree of self-awareness and openness. It would seem that the person who posted is looking for a girlfriend and not a one night stand. So, I assume that he wants a psychologically healthy partner who doesn't have a lot of the above problems. So, I think it would be wise to listen to a woman's honest emotional reflections of how attractions worked for her when she was his age as opposed to only learning game and trying to find just anyone. But you said that what I'm talking about relative to women wanting to experience good and bad emotions, is not the same thing as what you're talking about. Could you elaborate, so that I might understand better?

I remember Leo saying something about this is his video and it's almost right but a little off. So, I'm going to correct you instead of him. It's rare that a human being wants to experience bad emotions. And if they do, it's because there is a desire for positive emotion buried underneath that impulse. It's just that women are more likely to endure the bad emotions if she feels strong enough positive emotions for a man. Nobody has to throw any bad emotions in there for good measure if they aren't necessary. I hate to butt in, but if there was a post where a woman was giving advice to a younger woman who was new to dating and said, "Men are physical creatures and they crave orgasms and to be kicked in the balls." I think there would be men, that would butt in and say, "maybe skip the kick in the balls part..."

If you are trying to attract a girl who's your age, I wouldn't worry a whole lot about social status... aside from being generally about as popular as she is relative to others in your peer group. A girl who's your age is looking for someone who mirrors who she wants to be. She wants a mirror to her own identity. When I was a teenager, I dressed gothy and listened to rock music. So, if a guy was interested in the same or similar things, I would instantly find him more attractive even if I wouldn't have found him attractive otherwise. I was also attracted to guys that I perceived to be in the same attractiveness/popularity range as I was. If a guy was too popular, I'd assume that he wouldn't be attracted to me and that was unappealing to me as I wanted (and still want) my partner to think I'm very attractive and that he's got himself a catch . I may have even judged him as snobbish as many of the more popular guys at my school were very arrogant. If a guy was socially inept and too awkward, then I wouldn't be attracted to him ether. So, it was all about finding a happy medium. This is what girls your age who are girlfriend material are generally looking for. If you want to get a good girlfriend, you have to first have a crush on someone in particular. Don't fake your feelings. And if you're interested in her, then only go for her unless you're sure that the answer is no. You will hurt a girl very much if you awaken feelings in her and flirt with her, then do the same thing with someone else. Then, you'll want to spark up a flirty friendship with her. Don't let on right away that you like her by being too forward but give her plenty of hints. The anticipation and guessing will make the girl think of you more and wonder if you like her or not, and it's in this time that she'll realize that she likes you. To get her in this mindset, be playful with her in a friendly way that borders on flirtation but isn't super clear. Draw attention to your differences. For example, you can playfully tease her for being shorter than you. But before you decide to get flirty with her, make sure that she's receptive to you doing this first. You can tell because she'll want to be around you and her body language will be open, and she will enthusiastically flirt back with you. So, the rule of thumb is to take one step forward and wait for her response. Then, if her response is positive, take another step forward. But if her response is anything but positive and enthusiastic, then take a step back. A healthy girl your age is looking to make a deep connection with a guy that she really likes and sees herself in. And if you awaken feelings in her, the feelings will be only toward you and they will be some of the most intensely positive feelings that a human being is capable of feeling. So, you don't have to worry about your stuttering because, if she likes you, she will find your stuttering enchanting just because it's a trait that you have. But if she doesn't have feelings for you, then she will feel neutrally about you and your stuttering. So, you don't have to worry about that either. Just be yourself and totally own it, and eventually someone will like you. But they probably won't show any signs unless you chat with them first. A lot of girls are nervous to talk to guys that they find attractive.

Well, the joker/fool is an archetypal symbol that has brandished itself in many cultures. I looked up the tarot meaning for you, though tarot isn't the only context that you'll find this archetype in. In the tarot deck, it is the only card that doesn't have a specific place that it's supposed to be in so it is given the #0. It can go at the end of the deck or the beginning of the deck, much like an Ace can be either the highest or lowest value. It represents the end of the old things in life and the beginning of new things. It is the number of unlimited potential. In fact, some theories that I read say that the entire tarot deck is representative of the journey of the fool moving through the major and minor arcana. So, it can represent a very positive change and a journey into the unknown. But it can also represent a kind of ignorance and going into uncharted territory in a very reckless way. Trying to be in the moment without regard to planning. Following the heart, without bringing your brain along. Either way, it's a card of journeying, change, mystery, birth, death, and the unknown. Given your experience, I would say that it's fitting that you have seen the joker in your vision. This actually reminds me of something just now. I haven't thought about it in over a decade. Back in 2005, when my friend Andrew was 19, he smoked PCP and a poster with the joker (from ICP) on it started talking to him. It told him that he needed to leave Michigan and move to Florida, and that if he didn't that he would get sucked into very negative things there, namely crime, drugs, and death. So, he made a huge life change and left a couple days later, and I met him shortly after he moved when we were co-workers. I'm not sure if this relates to this but I know that he was having some of the same feelings then. He had many spiritual struggles, and ended up having some major delusions a few years later. So, be sure to try to ground yourself as much as possible in reality and don't let yourself float away. I have also experienced similar feelings to what you're feeling. When I was 20, I felt very lost. I really fell down a few rabbit holes and it took me years of work to climb back out. But I'm wiser and more spiritually mature for it now, I think. It's given me a lot of perspective. But it literally felt like my soul got pushed back into myself a few feet for a long time. And it was like a big bubble had popped in me, releasing all the "demons and angels" (so to speak) I had been repressing for years. So, my recommendation is to try to accept where you are with a sense of equanimity and curiosity. Explore the unknown territory that you've unwillingly found yourself in, but remain grounded in everyday life and find small joys in the mundane. You'll be surprised at what can grow in that empty field you've crash-landed in.

I think this type of thing is a common manipulation tactic. So, I wouldn't doubt that many people have been dealing with a partner like this. I'm not sure if the person who posted is dealing with this because of the positive light they've cast their partner in. But I know that I would have done the same with my ex. I always looked at him through rose-colored glasses, so I didn't see the manipulation happening as it was happening. I consider it a possibility that this is what the person may be going through. My ex was always trying to make me feel like it was my responsibility to keep him away from suicide. So, I felt very stuck. I literally thought that, if I broke up with him, that he'd kill himself. So, I felt like I had to be his caretaker... which was a tall order for me at ages 16-20, to have to deal with.

So is he. He's a really great person in many ways. He's the most generous-spirited person that I've ever met. He didn't have money because of his impulsive ways and vices, but he was always generous with what he had and always willing to help someone out. He was also very tender and caring much of the time. These were the things that I focused on about him when I chose to stay in the relationship for four years. I cared about him and valued our relationship above my own happiness, so I saw his best parts and skipped over the worst. That's what I thought love was. But he was also very manipulative and full of rage. He also couldn't do right by himself... and so he couldn't really do right by others. I heard myself reflected in this post. So, I wanted to be sure that I gave this perspective. The person who posted is not responsible for maintaining his girlfriend's well-being by staying in that relationship. In fact, the relationship may even be enabling her negative behaviors, as I was with my ex. As much as I'm better without Jeff, I'm positive that Jeff is better without the younger, more naive version of myself there to enable him. My impression from the post, is that this relationship is an attachment based in mutual fear. She is afraid of him leaving her. He is afraid of leaving her and hurting her or staying and feeling squelched. So, the relationship isn't really serving anyone. So, with regard to unconditional love, t's also important to remember that unconditional love also applies to the self. But you are right that changing partners is not going to transform him. The work must be done alone or he'll keep getting into attachment situations over and over again in relationships and otherwise. But if I'm honest, I know that I wouldn't have been able to grow and transform within the confines of that relationship. So, it's important to let go if it's time to let go.

My advice is to break up. You will regret it later if you don't. If the relationship is something that you really want, you'll eventually come back to it. If it's not, you'll feel incredibly relieved to be rid of it and never think about going back. This might be a scary thought, but you have to let go when it's time to let go. You're 20 years old. You need to experience things in order to feel that you've lived a full life. You have to live what feels right to you. You can't do this when you feel weighed down by a relationship that you're not 100% about. I was with my first boyfriend for four years, and our relationship ended very badly with so much resistance from myself. I was so attached to him that I was willing to brave any unpleasantry that he gave to me (threatening suicide, constantly in legal trouble, bouts of rage, threats of violence, constant money issues, drug habits, etc.) I felt like I was responsible for his happiness and well-being, and that I was the thing keeping him away from suicide that was a constant looming threat. This was what he manipulated me into believing. Eight years later, and he's still alive and doing the same as he ever was. And my life is exponentially better than it was then. It's harsh to say. But you're not responsible for keeping her happy. You have a life to live. My recommendation is to break up, and immediately get 3 or 4 months of distance. After a few months, you can see how she's doing. But I don't recommend a close friendship. It should be a distant friendship. I never talk to my ex though. He's too much of a toxic person. He's a very unfortunate person, but he's very toxic to be around. This is something that you'll have to suss out for yourself though, given that she's a different person.

The thing to ask yourself is "What assumptions am I making about the existence of other perceivers?" Your question takes for granted that you are one perceiver in a group of many perceivers that all experience the same reality from different viewpoints. So, right now, my cat is next to me. So, I may think "If I'm everything, then why am I not experiencing what my cat experiences." This assumes that my cat is actually a separate entity from myself. This may be true but it may be false too. It's a belief. You have to get in touch with the fact that you've never experienced anything outside of your present moment experiences. And that you really don't know for sure that there are other perceivers or perceptions separate from your experience. But you also don't know for sure that the opposite is true. When you realize how little you know about the reality that gave rise to your question in the first place, you can then let go of the hope to ever answer that question. And if you let go of enough illusions, your buoy can eventually rise to the surface of the water.

I recommend starting with just one habit to change, and make sure that habit pertains to meditation, diet, exercise, or sleep. If you change your habits to these fundamental things, it will have a ripple effect on all other areas of your life. Be sure to focus on just one of these for a couple months. If you try to change more than one thing at a time or don't allow enough time for the habit to set, you will almost uncertainly fall right back into your old habits. Right now, I'm focused on my diet. Once I have that locked down, I will focus on implementing a daily yoga practice.

@Prabhaker It's off topic but related to the earlier posts on the thread. There is a thing called 'virgin cleansing' where some believe that they can cure themselves of aids by having sex with a virgin girl, so that she gets the disease and they are cured of the disease. So, there are many young female children and teens who are raped for this reason. But this doesn't occur in India. It happens in areas of South Africa where there is little access to education. It's a commonly believed myth there in certain areas.

Thanks.