Emerald

That's more of a boundaries and personal sovereignty issue. It doesn't have to do with intimacy. This can come up when someone has an issue with codependency and is dealing with enmeshment trauma where they orient to themselves like a character in someone else's story. Actually, it has so little to do with intimacy that intimacy is literally impossible from this standpoint. A man has to bring his personal sovereignty and authenticity into the relationship for any intimacy to be possible what-so-ever because intimacy has to do with being seen, heard, and understood while also being able to see, hear, and understand the other person without projecting onto them. The same is true for a woman.

She does say at the end that you shouldn't go about doing that logically by just remembering to do all those things. It's more like, if you step into your masculine energy and align with what feels good about "containing" a woman, that it will come instinctually in large part. It's not meant to be a chore or something to overthink about. It's just what feels good. It's kind of like, if there were a video about things women can do to please a man. And the woman gets overwhelmed and a bit indignant about it because it's all in the abstract and theoretical. But when she's with a guy she's attracted to and feels safe with, it genuinely feels natural and good to please him that way. It's the same thing. It's a natural outgrowth of being in alignment with masculine energy and having a deep intimate relationship with a woman.

Attunement is important. But to attune is to understand. You can't have attunement if you're not seeing things clearly. If you don't "get" someone, you can't attune to them.

What you said does actually preclude intimacy. To have intimacy men and women must communicate and understand one another deeply. Otherwise, all you have is your projections onto the other person. It isn't enough simply to make a woman feel feminine... because even making a woman feel safe being feminine around you requires you to really understand her.

I definitely wonder that too. I'm genuinely not sure how I would be if the soil were truly balanced. I suspect that people raised under such conditions would have such a leg up over people in present day society. But we do have a core nature. So, that would always be there. Also, that's a really good way to put it. Women really do have to be fluent in masculinity to get along in this world. But men are even discouraged from learning anything in the feminine language... and there are very few outlets to truly learn it. And before, it was always the masculine side of humanity needing to harness and control Mother Nature. At present, the circumstances are very different, which means that we actually NEED to integrate the feminine to survive as a species. Before it was humanity's lot to polarize as much into the masculine as possible to counterbalance the powerful forces of nature which is feminine. Now, society has grown so much in terms of masculine development that an imbalance has occurred... which is why we have an environmental crisis on our hands. So, before humanity was the most "fit" to its environment by being patriarchal. But now, in order to remain "fit" to the environment, we MUST integrate the feminine as opposed to defaulting to the old femininity-repressing patriarchal ways of survival.

What must be understood is that this isn't based in traditional cultural notions of femininity and masculinity. In fact, gender roles themselves and the resistance toward gender roles both simultaneously cause a lot of tension and friction that keep men and women from orienting to one another, to themselves, and to the world in a way that's out of alignment with their authenticity. So, it may appear as though people are being traditional and conservative and backwards, but it doesn't actually come from the same place. It comes from what most women really do actually want in a relationship. And even as it may resemble older traditions, it doesn't have to do with reinstating the rigidity and trappings of the old perspectives. But it is a very complex topic. There's a lot of potential for people to misunderstand and end up in old, stagnant, and disempowering cycles that were just the norm of yesteryear. The pre/trans fallacy is applicable here. Before, there were very rigid gender roles between men and women and women were oppressed and there were all kinds of problems. Then, we threw off gender roles and lived in rebellion and defiance of them, which allowed us to grow more as people but also disconnected us in some ways from our natural energy. And now, we hope to neither go into conformity nor rebellion against the old gender roles. We will do what feels good because it feels good... not because someone says it's what should be.

Yes, that's usually how I relate it. When the soil is basic only basic plants will be able to grow and flourish, and acidic plant will either not be able to grow at all or will only grow to partial capacity. So, we as women are like acidic plants and men are like basic plants. And the soil is still 85% basic and 15% acidic... which is better than it was before. But still not ideal. And you can see by the way that men really don't like looking at this and create lots of mental blocks about it, that there is a fear of allowing the feminine to come into alignment. And women have a similar fear because they've experienced that femininity equals weakness and the ground upon which they'll be lampooned or oppressed. So, it's a tricky situation.

It probably feels like torture because it's triggering some wounds or dredging up some shadows in you. Teal Swan's perspective on this can be incredibly helpful to you if you want to be a better lover/partner. Her perspectives on dating/sexuality/relationships (though heteronormative), are so incredibly accurate when it comes to what the average woman is really seeking in a relationship. And if you really listen, having this added perspective can only help you.

It’s biological in the sense that men generally possess a greater capacity to disconnect emotionally. Men have been wired biologically to have a greater potential to be able protect and provide through violence... which requires the ability to have distance from the emotions. The issue is when men run away into that capacity to hide from everyday interactions with their loved ones and to avoid intimacy and human connection. A healthy man is one who can use that capacity when it is needed and then be able to put his sword back in the sheath and live his life without the insecurity of needing to have his sword constantly drawn. Now, it’s certainly true that male friendships offer a special kind of intimacy. But if you can only have intimacy and authenticity in male friendships, this will tell you a lot about you and your female partner’s barriers to intimacy.

Yeah... there’s a lot male-washed feminine cultural standards of the day and of yesteryear. That way, if women use the cultural narrative to connect to their feminine power, it will still be on masculine terms. That way, society won’t fundamentally shift away from patriarchal customs and ways. Every time I’ve connected to the core of my Femininity it has always been both soft and powerful. And if everyone connected to that, society would really shift. But of course, these larger societal shifts take time. But in the meantime, there is always the potential to hold space for that energy.

No, you just said that everything that doesn’t relate to how to get your friend a gf is just philosophizing. And then I mentioned that this thread is for discussing Teal Swan’s video... which is all about women’s sexual needs in a relationship with a man from the female perspective. And that perhaps, instead of derailing the conversation about women’s sexual/relationship needs, you should create a new thread to ask for advice on how to get your friend a gf. None of that has to do with one-dimensional talk about sexuality... nor does it have to do with men wanting smart, beautiful women. It has to do with women’s desire to be in their feminine energy and feel held in a relationship... and the challenges around that.

But the thread is about Teal Swan’s video. Perhaps start another thread for that.

I have certainly heard good things about David Deida. I should check him out.

That is definitely one way. But beyond that, men often have a split between their masculine and feminine energy because of negative societal attitudes about men expressing things that are considered feminine. This includes being in touch with his emotions. So, that's the root of the problem right there. Not only does it disconnect a man from his feminine side... it also disconnects him with his masculine side... which pertains with his personal sovereignty and what he really wants because he is shifted away from his emotional core. The way this shows itself is that men will tend to cope with things through maintaining emotional distance. This extends to relationships, but is not only applicable to this area of life. I'll take my dad for example. Mind you, my dad is a very nice guy. So, not to say anything negative about him. But one thing that was always an issue is that he would often spend a lot of time disassociating once he got home... usually through zoning out in front of the TV. And this is kind of the same idea behind men who create "man caves" and stuff like that. It's seen as totally normal, but it's actually a coping mechanism where he can avoid the world. And then, in relationships, you'll find that a lot of men will want to have a little sex and then run away. There is a desire there for intimacy. But he only goes far enough to stick his dick in and then either runs away literally or figaratively through avoidant tactics in relationships. Also, if you notice on this discussion board, several men reacted to the suggestion of intimacy like a cat being thrown into bath-water. So, there's that too. But all this comes down to the way that boys are socialized to suppress their feelings and instincts and put on a culturally masculine persona. Men and boys are expected to armor themselves and never show weakness. And there's a lot of social consequences when they do. So, anything relating to softness, femininity, and intimacy will be a trigger. And there's a lot of fear of social rejection underneath all of that. So, there's a lot of uncomfortable emotions and extreme responsibilities to avoid... hence the avoidance.

I'm being 100% honest with you right now. You must understand that I've done the brunt of my inner work in relation to masculine/feminine dynamics. My desire is to get people to wake up to these polarity related issues, so that people can have a better relationship with others and with themselves. And this requires someone to get their own issues with feminine/masculine dealt with. I don't want to keep you from having success with a woman. I want to tell you that, what you might define as success with a woman isn't going to be interpreted that way by the woman, even if they've told you otherwise. For women, it's all about intimacy... even if they themselves have armored themselves to it or have tons of wounds in that areas. So, don't misconstrue my advice as advice on how to 'get' a woman. It's not that. I'm telling you what women actually need to feel good in a relationship and bond deeply with her partner. And this requires a man to be able to open up and allow for intimacy to happen. And this is something that can't be gamed. It's too close to the core of one's being. Intimacy is honest. Now, a great many men and women are too armored to actually have intimacy at this current juncture. So, the best thing you can do is to work through your own issues with intimacy, and then you'll be more likely to line up with a female partner who has also worked through her issues with intimacy to the same degree.

Exactly. It's a very different thing. But there is a reason why men (generally) would tend to misconstrue this. I just mentioned to an earlier reply about something I experienced in my Ayahuasca ceremony last year. Basically, I experienced that the masculine energy is disaligned from engagement with the feminine energy. And that this was a representation of what was happening with most men and women on Earth. The masculine is essentially disaligned from its core and has become avoidant and disassociative as a result. Men desire intimacy too, of course. It's a human need. But many men feel threatened by it. So, they will get triggered back into avoidance and disassociation if they haven't yet integrated their feminine side and worked through this collective issue in themselves.

It's not something you do for a woman. It's something you do with a woman. It's not therapy. And it's not meant to be some complicated chore. It's intimacy. It's allowing yourself to see, hear, and understand someone... while also being seen, heard, and understood. It's about really holding one another. Without intimacy, you don't actually have a relationship to the other person. All you can have is a relationship to your idea of the other person and your projections onto them. Without the capacity to have real intimacy in your friendships and relationships, you will always be alone.

You're so afraid of a woman leaving you that you let your insecurities keep you from learning how to be a better lover. Stop being needy, and you will have the strength to seek intimacy with a woman without being so afraid of abandonment.

Yeah, that's true. There's just a lot of wounds that come with the feminine territory at this juncture in human history. If a man isn't attuned to that, he'll usually inadvertently run roughshod over them because he doesn't have the firsthand experience to relate. And there's just a ton of misinformation around the romanticization of the mystique around female sexuality, and then the outright "Never listen to a woman about what she wants" thing. And on top of that women often steer clear of these wounds and ignore them because they're so intense and feel so disempowering, so they often don't know either. All of these factors make it very difficult for men and women to get the deeper and more gratifying experiences of intimacy out of sex and relationship. And things just devolve into mutual masturbation that all feels very lukewarm. And most men are seemingly pretty content with the mutual masturbation. So, it's extra frustrating from the female experience. To achieve intimacy, the desire is for the man to truly penetrate the inner feminine terrain as an internal analogue to the way a man penetrates a woman physically. This is what sexual intimacy really is between a man and a woman... a man penetrating a woman on all levels: physical, mental, and spiritual. But the issue is that that terrain has lots of collective and individual wounds in it. It's all booby trapped. (No pun intended ) So, at this current phase, achieving deep intimacy between a man and a woman is practically an Indiana-Jonesian task for the man. It's a total minefield. And it's frustrating from both sides. And that's one of the reasons why I think men in general have such an issue with avoidance and disassociation. When I was in my Ayahuasca ceremony last year, I experienced that my internal experience was a universe unto myself. And the masculine was across the room and facing away and disaligned. And I was wanting it to come and connect with me. And I was moltenly angry as there was a total powerlessness to get it to come up out of its avoidant state and to face me and enter the universe. And then, I saw in my mind's eye, all these fish. And in seeing that I realized that this is the dynamic playing out between all men and women on Earth and in the masculine and feminine sides of all people. And also that it was a general energetic problem in humanity itself.

This is totally the wrong way to think about it. It isn't about being someone's therapist. It's about intimacy... which is not possible if you're not seen, heard, and understood.

I don't have any book recommendations. But my main advice involves connecting with the subtlety of authentic masculine energy... which always comes from the inside out and not the outside in. So, the best thing a man can do is to release attachments and aversions to cultural ideas of masculinity and to dive into himself and develop what is simply there. So, it's more of a subtractive process, than it is an additive process. If a man's masculinity comes from the outside in, he will inadvertently shift himself away from his natural masculinity and it will take on a farcical and loud quality. And this "outside in" masculinity is often the thing that carries the lemon juice to women's feminine wounding because these cultural ideas around masculinity are often informed by the things that created the feminine wounding to begin with. By contrast, "Inside out" masculinity is just very authentic to the particular man. And a woman will feel into a particular man to see whether or not he is a match to her. And it's a lot more down to Earth feeling.

Does he speak any about the wounds/complications that keep a woman from aligning with her femininity? It's hard for me to imagine that a man (even David Deida) would really understand this to the point where he could guide another man through that terrain as there are so many individual and collective wounds around it. I find that many men who understand all this in theory, try to orient towards women and allow her to be in her feminine energy will tend to accidentally put lemon juice in the wounds around her femininity and she will close back up and go back into her masculine side to protect herself. I can see the problem arising where men try to be in their masculine and relating the masculine to being prickly, domineering, competitive with her, and repressive of the feminine in themselves (and as a result, others). But what's really needed is a gentle and subtle dominance... one that hits more subconsciously that comes more from the pure unconditioned energy of it. It's so much more than simply making a woman feel like a woman. It's more like making her feel like she's safe to be in her natural feminine energy around you, which is a bit more complicated.

Because women grow an attraction through thinking about and longing for the man when he is away. The story is more of a creative pursuit that inspires deeper feelings. This usually takes a bit of introspection to be able to see through the fabrication. And then even more introspection to allow that aspect of the female sexual instinct to be there and to see through it simultaneously. And the issue comes to be when you can no longer differentiate between the fairy tale and the reality and that fantasy steals you away from the reality. But story and fantasy is just part of the way the female sex drive works. That's why women will tend to read erotica as opposed to watching porn. It's all about imagining the story unfold. Like a man might imagine having sex with a woman. But a woman will imagine a bunch of scenarios that tug at her heart strings that often lead up to sex. And it feels fairytale-like from the female perspective, as it's a very blissful feeling to fall in love.

I definitely got a lot of that. I was made fun of a lot for being sensitive. Then, a lot of people would under-estimate me or try to infantilize me and let me win... low expectations because I was a little girl. And that pissed me off to no end as a child. And then, in society at large, the feminine was always lampooned in some way. Making someone act exaggeratedly feminine (male or female) was always a way to poke fun. And there was this general implication of trite-ness to those who are feminine. And there was a character trope that was really popular when I was growing up. It was the badass chick that was a very attractive tomboy. So, she was a beautiful girl on the outside but a guy on the inside... aesthetically feminine but morally masculine and implied to be superior to other girls who were feminine on the outside and feminine (in a toxic way) on the inside. And I really identified with that trope. But at the same time, I had a lot of complicated and toxic relationships with women and girls back then. I was usually the target of orchestrated emotional bullying tactics that large groups of girls my age would engage in. So, I decided as a 8 or 9 year old that I was going to be like that trope, because I hated girls back then. I wanted to be as little like them as possible. Add on top of that, that my dad is a really nice, warm-hearted guy. So, I always identified strongly with my dad and his pacifistic philosophies and ways. And I made this distinction that femininity is associated with aggressiveness and meanness and that masculinity is associated with pacifism, tolerance, and niceness. And I sought to rid myself of my femininity because I saw femininity as inherently mean, spiteful, manipulative, and aggressive. And I saw masculinity as inherently chilled out, tolerant, warm hearted, and calm. So it was a whole host of complicated relationships to girls/women who were dealing with internalized misogyny and taking that out on me that made me internalize misogyny and find more comfort in the masculine... part of which required me to toughen myself up and be non-reactive. So, I would have other children intentionally hurt me to show that I wouldn't flinch. And I became so competitive. I grew and individuated a lot as a result. But I fully left my femininity behind until I hit 20 and had my first awakening experience and realized that I had been repressing my femininity for a long time. At that point, I didn't even believe that femininity was real. I thought it was a social construct, and that masculinity was too. And I had covered over my internalized misogyny with the belief of gender being fully societally constructed. And I had covered over my hatred of women with the idea that "I love everyone." So, it got pushed down a layer. And then it sprang to the surface during the awakening. And I've been working on that issue ever since. And it came up again the other day on shrooms. And I felt so connected to my femininity and so soft. But there was a deep empowerment to it... a very queenly kind of feeling arose in me. And I didn't do any of the usual hedging that I would typically do when speaking of what I'm experiencing.

I watched this earlier. It was pretty accurate. I drank some shroom tea the other day with a friend, and it was bringing me into the emotions that I typically wouldn't be aware of. And one thing that was coming up were a bunch of realizations about how my softness and femininity (the energy, not the cultural associations) has had to be hidden because I've been subjected to and subjected myself to a lot of traumatic situations that I had to deal with all by myself without any support. And I did have to push away my femininity and flip myself into a more armored and masculine aspect of my polarity to cope with all that and still continue to grow as a person. And on top of that, there was always a subtle social subtext of society seeing femininity as less than masculinity and seeing feminine traits as trite that I adopted at a fairly young age. At around 8 or 9, I realized that my feminine interests were the laughing stock of society. So, I let a lot of things go and focused on developing my masculine side in order to get more respect and kindness from others... and it worked. So, it was just never really emotionally safe to really connect to my femininity. I never really felt supported or contained in relation to those aspects of myself. And because of this I find the idea of masculine containment both very alluring and very triggering/anxiety producing as well. Though I have worked through some of that anxiety/trauma around fears of inferiority and internalized misogyny in the past decade, there are still things to be worked through. And when I was taking the shrooms I really connected to my softness and the deeper power of my femininity. But you'd have to really find a man who is connected enough to his own feminine side and who is emotionally intelligent enough to be attuned to his partner, which is somewhat uncommon in the present because of how men are conditioned to toughen themselves up and lose sight of their emotions... also because the feminine has been viewed as lesser. Now, it is much better than that has ever been before. And it will probably get much better in the future. So, you'd have to find a man who has reconciled and integrated both his masculine and feminine polarity to really feel contained by him. Probably the majority of men still have an embattled relationship to the feminine in themselves and in others. And femininity/softness may still be regarded as flaw to get someone to improve from.