Emerald

It isn't the case. There's a lot of fear-mongering about the left and how they take everything to mean something racist, sexist, etc. But no one is freaking out about calling coffee black. And if you believe they are, I have some nice commercial swampland in Florida to sell you. Also, acceptance of the non-gender-conforming and the LGBTQ community is instrumental in the shift towards Yellow and Turquoise. And any attempt to dial that acceptance back is most surely rooted in Blue or before. Don't kid yourself otherwise. And the acceptance of the LGBTQ community is quite important even for heterosexual people, as it breaks them out of the boxes of the gender norms and getting more in touch with their deeper masculine and feminine energies. This is not possible without the acceptance of the LGBTQ community. My advice is to do your best to transcend Blue and go into Orange at least with regard to your acceptance of the LGBTQ community. That way you can start to see that it's something that regards the individual and thus is not a problem for you or anyone else. From Orange, acceptance of the LGBTQ community is all about seeing it as personal choice to stay out of. Then, once you transcend Orange, you can move to Green, where you can begin to break down your own adherence to rigid gender norms and to see the conditioned aspects of your own gendered expressions. Then, once you transcend to Yellow, you can then find your deeper core Masculine/Feminine signature and express from that. Then, once you transcend to Turquoise, you can once again discover that what you are is truly genderless and that the masculine and feminine are just two sides to your coin. You can learn a lot from the LGBTQ community in terms of breaking out of your boxes.

I say that it doesn't have to do much with women because the situation with women is more of a reflection of the wound as opposed to the origin of the wound. And the wound itself comes down to that hate/shame/unworthiness that you feel. It could be a generational wound that's been absorbed from your dad. Or it could be some events that have happened to you. Or it could be (and very likely is) both. But I recommend doing some body-work, so that you can experience those emotions directly on the level of the sensation in the body. That's what really helps you let go of those feelings. Mind you, these negative emotions are also forming part of the bedrock of your identity/ego structure as it presently is. So, letting go of these feelings will also mean a "death" of certain aspects of your identity. So basically, the first step is to focus your attention and awareness on the sensations that arise in the body when you feel hate/shame/unworthiness and really sit with them. Don't let your awareness run away from it. Face it directly. And once you do this, the body will usually shake or cry (sometimes even vomiting can happen) to release these feelings. And this is the part of the process where you have to face death.

This is probably why there's that feeling like you 'have to' approach. It attaches a meaning onto it which is connected to the deeper self-esteem wounds. You're in a position where doing pick-up won't really answer to those wounds. And chances are, if you become successful with women, those wounds will still be there but take on different forms that could be harmful to yourself and others. My advice is to practice pick-up concurrently with some deeper healing practices that address the self-esteem wounds at their roots... which (and you may not believe me) have very little to do with your relationship to women. If you focus on the former (pick-up) without focusing on the latter (deeper emotional healing), you will end up addressing the surface level issue without dealing with its roots. It will give you the illusion of growth and transcendence without actual growth and transcendence.

You misunderstood what they're saying. They're saying that that would be the internal negative narrative that a man who is neurotically approaching would have in his mind that makes him feel like he ALWAYS has to approach. He's not saying that the man is inherently undeserving. He's alluding to the man's negative mindset that keeps him feeling insecure.

What are your motivators for becoming an attractive man? Surely, success with women, sex, connection, etc. will be part of that motivation. But do you notice any other motivators? Is there any sense of trying to get away from something?

From how I’ve seen you speak about female sexuality, I feel honestly like you have overcompensated in the other direction in terms of your image of women. It seems like you’re caught in the Madonna/Whore dichotomy. And when you discovered that women are also sexual and aren’t as innocent as the cultural sexual narratives suggest (which is true), it swings you over into the whore side of that dichotomy. And then you convince yourself of that (which is also a distortion) and get pretty harsh about it. And this harshness of perspective makes you view man/woman interactions purely as a zero sum game of survival. And it cuts you (and other men who hold that perspective) off from connecting to women on an intimate level. It’s all about learning to shoot at someone you fear will outdraw you and getting what you want without much regard to the deeper motivations of women because there is an assumption that women are also playing the same zero sum game you are. Basically it ignores things on the more psychological and emotional level of human to human love. I can tell you, I am no innocent. And I have always resented misrepresentation as I’ve always been a very sexual person. I’ve had flings and one-night-stands with men I didn’t know very well. And I’ve also had very long monogamous relationships. So, I have no skin in the game in convincing you of my purity because I am not pure. Far from it. But trust me when I say that your views on women, though having grains of truth in it, are also a distortion. And because of that distorted view, your orientation to women’s sexuality is one of resentment, struggle, armoring, and masking vulnerabilities. I recommend looking into the Madonna/Whore Complex. In the meantime, here’s a fun video that feels appropriate for the occasion...

Do you think it’s FOMO in terms of missing out on a potential experience with the woman? Or is it FOMO in the sense that you’ve missed the chance to prove to yourself that you’re man enough to approach? Basically, is it about the desire for experience as the thing in itself? Or is it about the desire to get away from feelings of inadequacy?

We can create lots of theories about why people behave the way they behave. But I don’t usually go down those wormholes with others much unless I think it has some practical efficacy to do so. I prefer to talk about observed truths over abstract ideations and theories. What I’ve experienced in my plant medicine journeys is that there is masculine and feminine energy. And that there are splits and wounds within that energy individually and collectively. And it was evident that this imbalance creates the lion’s share of problems on Earth. So, given these experiences, I see strong efficacy of getting people to see that gender is not only informed by a social construct. It’s also a real energetic reality that must be integrated. And there are very real differences between men and women generally, though there are a sizable number of exceptions. I also see a lot of efficacy for looking at the psychological/emotional point of view to see how culture and circumstances shape our relationship to that nature. This can help people get out of toxic patterns and back into alignment with their core nature. But I’m not super convinced that questioning these experiences from all the perspectives you’re speaking of will have much efficacy toward the goal of individual and collective alignment as it doesn’t give too much that’s actionable. It’s all very theoretical. Also, the results could be misleading in an unhelpful way. Let’s say that the toxic behaviors of men and women were found out to be only the result of strategies differing and not an element of our natures inherently (albeit when things go wrong). If that was found to be the case, lots of people would come to the false conclusion that there’s no general energetic difference between men and women, and that masculinity and femininity is nothing more than construct. And thus, they would still be framing masculine as neutral and contributing to the imbalances and splits I mentioned above. So, sometimes going in theoretical directions and postulating can get in the way of expressing/exploring what is true via observation.

I get where you’re coming from but that’s actually really not such great advice if her goal is to have the guy value her and have a deeper attraction to her. Men often feel like they want a woman who’s straight forward who comes easily to them. But men don’t really respond to that as well as they think they will in fantasy. There usually has to be some level of chase for the feelings to build up.

That could be an element as well. It isn't necessarily an appeal to men. But it often is used that way. But even at that, it is an over-generalization. And if taken literally (as I used to and have seen many girls/women do so), this is where the toxicity comes into play. The toxic element is the part where a woman dubs herself the only good woman and becomes misogynistic and believes that all other women are bad... either for male approval or just as a way of coping with past traumas caused by girls/women. And I've been there myself. It's common. But it is an element of the toxic feminine. Now, if someone's venting and doesn't really believe that, then it's not as bad. But what I'm talking about is a genuine belief that female nature is inherently drama-filled and corrupt. That's the misogyny of it.

My advice is to be more receptive than initiatory. A good heuristic is to makes sure he's the one reaching out 80% of the time. Men can have a hard time building feelings and tension around women who actively pursue them because they want to feel like they've earned your attention and affection somehow. So, counterintuitively, the most attractive thing you can do is to be (sparingly) ambiguously flirty (touching his arm, joking, etc.) when you do interact but to otherwise hang back and wait for him to initiate most of the time. Also, know and set your boundaries. This will indicate that you're not easy to get and that he will have to invest effort into you if he wants to earn your affections. It requires a lot of trust in the process and a detachment from outcome. But this is the essence of staying in your Yin energy, which is what really attracts men. But when you talk to him, I recommend being playful and lighthearted and perhaps talking about shared interests. But let him do the leg work. You don't want to end up with a guy who feels lukewarm about you.

That's the pattern. Women who say, "I only want to be friends with men because women have too much drama." may very likely have experienced a lot of drama with many women. This is why it's hard to heal from because it's a pattern that makes a lot of sense if you've associated mostly or only with women fitting that pattern. But it's also a very misogynistic statement at the same time because not all women are like that... in fact, most are mostly not. And the statement is often used to say to men, "Pick me! I'm better than other women." So, there's also that added layer. Women who experience trauma at the hands of other women, and then they put men on a pedestal and paint nearly all women with the same brush of negativity. Add in the strong desire to appeal to and be approved of by men, and you have the "I'm not like other girls" phenomenon. But it's also very self-attacking because on some level these women also experience that as internalized misogyny. And then, sisterhood can't be had. And sisterhood and the healing of feminine wounds is what's really needed. That's why I said that the toxic feminine attacks itself while the toxic masculine attacks the other. Toxic femininity causes a lot of tension and strife among women (and for valid reasons based in trauma). When I talk about toxic femininity, it isn't meant as a condemnation. It's an observation. It all makes perfect sense why it is the way it is and why there are mean girls. But also, not all women are in a pattern of toxic femininity. I've been very fortunate that I have many female friends that have quite low levels of toxic femininity. The thing in common with these women is usually that they've developed their masculine side as well... though there is a pattern of using the masculine side to shield ourselves in some ways.

You're welcome. I know that these things can be remedied. It comes from genuinely embodying feminine power in a healthy way. Mean girls are mean because they feel like that's the way to get power. I had a lot of early traumas that were caused by girls/women. And I had very few boundary-breeching traumas caused by boys/men, as my dad is a very nice and warmhearted. And so, by age 8 or 9, I became really misogynistic. And I would go into this mindset of "boys/men are good" and "girls/women are bitches". And I was always trying to carve out my own category where I could escape from being female. I wanted to be a loophole woman that "wasn't like the other girls." And at age 10, I decided that "I only hang out with boys because girls are weak and mean." So, I was always trying to tear the other girls down and be the girl that was approved of by the boys. And I would behave in masculine ways to prove that I wasn't like other girls. At summer camp, I'd even have the kids scratch their nails down my arm as hard as they could until it nearly drew blood, just to show that I wouldn't flinch. And I'd go around arm wrestling all the boys (and I could beat about half of them at the time because we weren't yet going through puberty). One time, me and this kid Calvin (who was pretty much an "alpha" kind of kid and an asshole) were playing four square or something. And he and I both jumped for the ball and ended up skidding across the floor. And we both ended up with huge bruises all over our legs. It was a bad skid directly across linoleum. And it hurt SOOO bad. And Calvin was crying like a baby doubled over on the floor. And I would have been too if I were being honest. But I saw it as an opportunity to prove how much more macho I was. And I jumped up onto my feet and stood over him and started calling him a little girl as he was crying. I would never let myself show weakness because I didn't want to be seen as anything like a girl, other than in appearance. So, a lot of my work has been on working into these relationships with women and accepting that I'm a woman and thus like other women. I really think these are symptoms of living in a masculinity-oriented culture and women feeling competition toward one another to get male approval instead of cooperation with one another. And there are like three main ways to cope with that, and being a mean girl is one of them. Being a nice girl is the other. And trying to exempt oneself from the stigma of femaleness is yet another. But to really heal, there has to be a genuine healing of the feminine wounds and truly stepping into feminine power.

This isn't something that there are statistics on where I can give you a concrete sample size. As far as I know, scientists haven't yet studied that 'mean girl' personality type. But I have experienced enough of life over the course of the past 32 years and enough interactions with girls and women to tell you that the traits that I mention are very common among girls and women, and not very common among boys and men. Ask any woman this. In fact, you can even ask most little girls. And they will tell you. I had experiences with mean girls all through public school from 5-18. I experienced it in college in a totally different town. I've experienced it in casual get-togethers and workplaces. I experienced it as a teacher and substitute teacher in both female teachers and female students in EVERY single school I've taught at. I even have some family members that are like this. It is COMMON and to say it isn't or that guys do the same exact things is just reality denying. Men have other forms of toxicity that are different... and this is the primary toxic element of society in general as there is an imbalance. But the toxic feminine still exists, it just only comes up usually in girl to girl tensions. It stays within a limited context as pettiness is one of the main qualities of it. And there are countless movies made about this dynamic. So, my sample size is ever single girl or woman I've ever met in my life. And the proportion of women who are like this are probably 20% of that sample size. It's a minority still, but the minority is sizable enough that every woman has a good handful of negative experiences. But as I've said, women tend to express a lot of this only toward other women. Men as a group are usually exempted from experiencing women express many of these toxic traits... unless you're in a relationship or family situation with one of them. Women like this tend to direct their toxicity toward most women and just one guy. Also, when a woman is going on the attack toward another woman, the men usually don't pick it up. It's like a dog whistle that only other women can hear. I remember one time that I was hanging out with my friend Joe, my (would-soon-be) boyfriend Jeff, my friend Andrew, and this girl Alicia (who I actually later became friends with when she matured a bit). But it was all too familiar. It was a situation I'd been in (not an exaggeration and probably an underestimate) a hundred times before. And I could sense she saw me as a threat, and she kept focusing in on me and making little remarks to criticize my looks or other things about me. She was jealous because she liked Jeff and Jeff and I were hanging out. And my friend Joe, who had come with me, he and I stepped outside and I was trying to be chilled out and said nonchalantly, "Wow, that girl really hates me." And I just assumed that everyone would see what was going on. But he was like, "Ugh! Why do you girls do this. She wasn't thinking anything about you." And I was so puzzled at how he couldn't see what was going on.

These are common too

Toxic traits do tend to differ based on the energy one most embodies. When I wrote my list, I had women in mind (and very feminine men) in particular. And that’s because these are uniquely feminine toxic traits. If I were making a toxic masculinity list, the list would be very different. The toxic feminine tends to be self-attacking. The toxic masculine tends to attack a perceived “other”. They are different.

It’s definitely different than what most men do and how they do it. These are behaviors that I’ve mostly seen in women and very feminine men. Behavior that would be described as catty. Men will bully other men too. But it’s usually done very directly with offensive attacks. For women, it becomes a wider social and emotional abuse strategy that involves manipulation.

Both. Shunning, gossiping, and ruining reputations. This behavior goes all the way back to elementary school. The mean girls will bully you, shun you, hold a grudge, gossip about you, and then have fun poisoning all your classmates against you. This behavior is usually targeted at other girls.

Toxic traits that can be recognized as a pattern in a sizable minority of women... - Practicing social ostracism toward women they perceive as lower or higher status than them - Ganging up on women they perceive as lower or higher status than them - Underhanded compliments (Oh wow! You look so amazing. WhO dOeS yOuR mAkEuP?) - Constant competition for male attention - Passive aggressiveness - Fretfulness - Neediness - Jealousy - Getting together in a group and playing psychological mind games - Internalized misogyny (ex. I only hang out with guys because there’s less drama.) - Leaning too heavily on others for emotional support - Social drama = peak entertainment - Sourness toward service industry workers - Holding grudges - Lack of accountability for actions - Seeking partnership for materialistic/image related reasons (aka gold digging, status seeking, fitting societal expectations) - Focus towards appearances and materialism - Expecting that happiness emerges from having the perfect relationship - Crippling self-esteem issues that translate to total self-absorption - Conspiratorial thinking (everyone’s out to get them, so they’re out to get everyone else) - pettiness - Lack of ambition - Super strong disgust, fear, or anger reaction to anything even slightly unusual or unpleasant. Zero tolerance for discomfort.

Great post!

I’m saying that, what you think works on a grand scale for women... 1. Works with only a percentage of the female population, but is interpreted as a general truism about feminine instinct when it isn’t. You’re getting a small snapshot of what SOME women will SOMETIMES accept. But you’re not getting the rule of what women instinctually crave, you’re getting the exception and interpreting it as the rule. 2. The women it does work for would have still gone home with you even without those techniques. You really just need to interact with women for some of them to want to sleep with you. 3. A woman agreeing to have sex with a man is not in itself an indicator of female sexual satisfaction or deep levels of attraction. Truly realized female sexual satisfaction can only arise in a situation where a depth of connection and intimacy has been established, which takes a long time. As a woman who’s had one-night stands before, I can tell you that they were pretty blah and just something to assuage feelings of loneliness. It’s much much better with a man you’ve developed trust and intimacy with.

Absolutely. It’s clear that these men who subscribe to this distorted paradigm of human sexuality are really threatened by women sharing the truth of what we actually respond to in a man. They get a lot of comfort and a false sense of invulnerability and power by subscribing to this alpha/beta narrative. So any threat to that paradigm feels like a threat to their power... which makes them fear feeling the insecurity and fear of female judgment they felt before they adopted this placebo perspective. Little do they know that women would genuinely admire them much more if they just be themselves and develop themselves as human beings.

I never called you garbage. You’re just currently low quality from the standpoint of what women value in a relationship with a man as your perspective guarantees that the woman won’t feel satisfied in a relationship with you as she won’t feel secure enough to surrender and open up. And this makes intimacy impossible which is what the woman really needs to feel in her relationship to feel good. Basically, a relationship with a man with your perspective is not what any woman is actually looking for. But because there are so many men like you, you might get a few women with low standards trying to turn you into the guy they’re actually looking for simply out of desperation. But make no mistake, if a woman feels insecure in a relationship, she will constantly be in her masculine energy with her walls up. And this won’t be fulfilling for her. Women generally have an instinct to seek a man that they can feel claimed by and feel safe with. And this is because this gives her a space in her life to be in her feminine energy. And if she is worried about you being carried off by your emotional whims and urges, then she won’t feel secure enough to be feminine. And she will be in her masculine energy and pick fights with you constantly. And that’s nearly universally true as it is a reflection of the feminine instinct for pair bonding, child rearing, and community building.

Of course she does. She knows what women ACTUALLY like (and also what turns women off) because she is one herself. So, her only challenge is to find gay, bisexual, and bicurious women. So, that’s probably 25%+ of the female population. And then she can make connections, make her sexuality known, and test the waters.

Exactly. It’s really bothersome because, in trying to make themselves into more attractive men, they’re unknowingly making themselves into much less attractive men. And when women tell them this, they don’t believe us. They think our motive is that we don’t want men to be attractive to avoid being “caught”... which makes zero sense if you realize how much women actually like men. But because these ideas/techniques give them the equivalent of Dumbo’s magic feather (aka a placebo), they run with it. And they misattribute their sexual success with these ideas and techniques. When any success they actually got simply came from interacting with women. They could have done it as their normal self and gotten sexual success with just as many women the whole time. But they adopt this imaginary framework and they get trapped there. And this leaves the world with a scarcity of good men who are high quality.