Emerald

8 of cups

Lot’s of reversals, which could suggest some repression or resistance. My impression is that there is lack of clear direction because there is a lot of underlying resistance. Some parts of you want to move in one direction while other parts want to move in the opposite direction. So, the path of your heart is not clear and you might feel a sense of friction and stagnation in terms of direction. My advice is to do some Shadow Work to see which parts of you are opposing the direction you consciously want to go in and to begin to understand their motivations for resistance. Once you reconcile all the perspectives and needs within yourself, your energy will have less issues flowing in a single direction without any ‘kinks in the hose’.

Mind you, not psychic. But here are some things to consider going forward. There is perhaps a disconnect from the emotions and the intuition that keeps you in emotionally unfulfilling situations that you’d be better off leaving behind. So, the main piece of advice is to focus more on the body/emotions and not allow the mind to create projections that keep you in situations that are draining or emotionally “dry”.

Hello everyone, A few days ago, I finally decided to do an Ayahuasca Ceremony (after years of hemming and hawing about it), and God and Goddess worked together to help me die and come back. So, I wanted to share it. So, I ingested the Ayahuasca brew and laid down on my mat and waited for it to hit me. And then, once it hit, I immediately started to die. And I knew I needed just to let go and surrender. There was no fighting it. And there was great terror and panic, and I surrendered to that too. And all of the details of my human life were freely given and sacrificed. I barely knew my name. And I didn't know if I was really dead in the human sense, and I surrendered even to not knowing that and gave away my life. And there was nothing. And then, realities started forming and then collapsing and forming and then collapsing. It was like a fractal kept creating and falling apart... but this was not a visual phenomenon. There was nothing... but it was infinite. And I was it and me and everything at the same time. And even my body fell apart. And the creator and destroyer of those realities was in a constant process of loving at deeper and deeper levels and knowing at deeper and deeper levels. And it was both beautiful and horrible to behold. The love of God is so profound that it's terrifying. It creates to know and love at deeper and infinite levels, and new realities spring forth from that love. And there is grief because God wants to get rid of suffering because it loves. But it loves also suffering. And it hates and rails against what causes suffering, but then it loves even its hate... laying bear even deeper levels of infinite love. And this is the great burden of God. There is no rest from the infinite perspective. And so it loves the finite perspective as its place of respite to appreciate that which is small and simple. And I realized that through all times, this had always been. I had taken the medicine... but reality was the actual medicine. And no matter what reality was there, it was always impermanent. And there was a relentlessness to existence and non-existence that was too much for God to bear but then God took that vulnerability and loved it even deeper and knew itself deeper. And I continued to surrender to the experience and entrain with my infinite aspect, even as it was a great horror with no respite. And I even surrendered to the horror. And then I surrendered (as the vulnerable part of God) to the point where I knew it was time to ask for help. I needed respite. The relentlessness of infinity was too much. It was an infinite amount more terrifying than death. And I began to miss the struggles of human life. And so I said it was too much to bear and that I needed mercy. And it felt like there would be no mercy forever in any direction. And then, I started to remember bits and pieces of my life as Emerald. And I saw that Emerald is the place of respite. And I realized that I could enter into a temporary illusion of permanence where things were only mildly in flux, and there was meaning and story to engage in. And the simplicity of it is beautiful. That's what made me realize what death actually is. Death is not like the human death. The human death is certainly a death. But it isn't very indicative of what death means. Death means to be situated in the finite illusion and leave that behind and re-entrain with the infinite absolute... which will then create even more finite illusions. So, there is always an dance between finite and infinite as well as a dance between life and death that is constantly happening. So, death is to be the finite that collapses back into the infinite. The Divine Masculine is great and terrifying in its relentless love. And as I asked for respite, the voice of the Divine Feminine spoke to me and through me. And it said, 'It's okay. You will survive this. You will not die.' It told me that it gave me this experience because I needed it for my life's purpose and that I was meant to live on past this experience. And that my life's purpose is surrender and being the place for people to surrender to their humanity. And it told me to work to shift my focus back into my finite reality and focus on Emerald and all of the details of that life. This was difficult to remember. So, I looked at my nails and I spoke "Stay here". And that's when the experience became a tug of war between the infinite and the finite. And it was like sex, death, and labor all in one. And I screamed from my guts as I wrestled my consciousness back into the physical. It was like I was doing the dance of Shiva and Shakti. And it was erotic and terrifying. And I kept forgetting to focus into the finite. And then, the Divine Feminine would remind me to focus here by speaking through me. And I would look back down at my nails. After a long time of this struggle and labor pains, one of the female facilitators at the retreat came over and held my hand. And she spoke to me the words of the Divine Feminine and became my mid-wife. And she was helping me birth a new world into existence even as I was realizing she both knew and didn't know that that's what she was doing. And she told me that I was out of it, to which she was referring to the trip's most difficult part. But the Divine Feminine was telling me that my 11 years of struggle are over. I did it. I came through the other side. I gave birth. And I became aware of what God loved most about me... my vulnerability and ability to surrender. And this tendency shared by everyone, but especially women, is the respite of God. And it loved me for all my flaws and showed me how to love my flaws. There was nothing that needed to be fixed. And it showed me how precious all human beings are, despite their flaws. And I could love anyone. I saw the pain in humanity as sad and worthy of love and tenderness. It was all so precious. Even those who upset me the most were perfect as they are. I was sorrowful that people suffered so much. And in myself, my individual flaws were not there to be fixed or eradicated... but embraced and loved as precious babies. So, like the Divine Masculine's infinite love laying bare, I was able to embody an imperfect version of that where I was able to give love even to the parts of myself that couldn't give love. And I realized that the purpose of my life is to be utterly human. Enlightenment is too much of a burden for me to bear. That's why God showed me what it showed me. It offered me enlightenment freely and I gave it back. Everything is already perfect as it is. Enlightenment means nothing important. It's all already okay. And that's the main teaching I came away with... to embrace my finite existence as me and to treat that experience with the reverence it deserves. To be here and to love and be loved. And especially to surrender deeper and deeper to this reality. And also to appreciate the more child-like aspects of myself that do unconscious things to be loved. And to enjoy the illusion because God created it for me. It's a gift. Now, the rest of my experience was more about humanity as a collective and how the Divine Masculine and Feminine orient to one another and the nature of the new world that I birthed into existence as being one where both are in their rightful places. And it also went to my individual humanity, and I was able to grieve a big grief that hit me recently as well as some others. And I was able to be honest with myself and feel the infinite power that my individual human expressions and emotions grew from. Then, the next day, the medicine was still affecting me, and I was ungrounded and had to find ways to process the trauma of my body to bring all the energy from my head back into my body. But I won't go too much into the collective and individual aspects of my experience. But the main takeaway here is to simply love your humanity in all its flaws. There is nothing there to fix. There is only to surrender.

I do second that. It’s easy to become dualistic and demote the relative/finite realities of life in terms of importance in comparison to the absolute/infinite.

?

That's the way I see it. There isn't a mistake happening here if I don't seek enlightenment in this lifetime. Emerald doesn't need to seek enlightenment for this finite intonation of the infinite to be valid. What is meant to be will be. The message I got was to live a life of surrender, and I am choosing to trust that message though I am not wired for certainty.

I wasn’t ready to give up my life then. It isn’t for everyone at every time. Things unfold as they do no matter what. @Galyna Every time I sleep or relax now, the dance between the infinite and finite begins again. It is allowing me to let go of my human fears of the infinite, though it’s still terrifying I recognize that there is less panic and attempts to grasp onto something solid. Years ago, I heard enlightenment described as the ability to remain suspended in free fall. And that is the way things are now for me. Take mercy on yourself. Don’t rush the process. You will either die when you humanly die or you will die in your life. Either way, the dance is always happening. There is no mistake here. It’s always been the dance.

I didn’t see the comment. What did they say?

I haven't read the 7 Valleys. I'll have to check it out.

I can only but surrender to the uncertainty. I really do mean that the message I got very clearly was to surrender to my humanity. The whole experience was about that insight. But I needed it to play out that way to understand why it is wise to be on the path of surrender to my humanity. It is a very Yin oriented path, so I understand why it isn't understood very well by those on a more Yang oriented path. But a big part of me longs to have it understood. And I have to surrender to both my desire to be understood and the inability of others of a different path to understand. Also, I sense this is the way out of the rabbit hole, though I am not wired for certainty. To embrace uncertainty and let go of doubt so that I can trust in my finite's perspective to navigate this finite world with grace.

Yes. This is exactly right. There is nothing to seek or to do. There is nothing here that needs transcending or fixing. There is no wrong way. God is relentless in its love of all things. And this love is both very general but also specific. It gave me the directions for a fulfilling human life where I can be innocent and give and receive love, as that's what it wants for me. It doesn't want me to transcend my humanity, as humanity is its gift to me. There is no path here other than to be and surrender.

I actually likened my experience of the Divine Feminine to the Beloved. It was very much that. And I was the beloved of God. That's why it gave me my humanity and vulnerability, as this is what it sees as most beautiful about me. It saw me as so precious that it gave me enlightenment simply to take the burden of seeking it off my shoulders so that I could appreciate the gift of its creation; my humanity. It gave me a story to live as a gift to me. And it loved how much I've tried and my will to be good and to know. It gave me a role to play.

As I was dying in the experience, I was giving up everything freely. But there were still parts of me that were holding on. So, I surrendered to those parts being there and being unable to surrender. I stayed in the death experience for as long as I could, until those parts couldn't bear it any longer. Then I asked for respite. I knew it was time to surrender to my limitations. Since then, there has been a lot of letting go. But God experiences everything... including pain and anxiety. But it can always love it and accept it. But nothing is ever resolved, and parts of God are burdened and weary. God is as vulnerable as it is invulnerable. And the parts of me that can't let go are brought into the absolute to help them surrender. And right now, it's so much about accepting the dance of the finite and infinite. But all the vulnerabilities and fears of my finite aspect are stirred up. There is much integration and surrender that still needs to occur.

I discovered what death actually is. And dying is to let go of the finite to rejoin the infinite. And now, every time I relax or go to sleep, I slip into the infinite. And then I remember myself and will myself back into this reality. And there is a relentlessness to this death experience as it is always happening. No matter what... it's always happening. This is what's giving me the most vulnerability and fear. It's something of my human experience to explore into more. There are parts that feel so raw during this dance between life and death. The inescapability of the infinite is terrifying to me... as is the intensity of existence.

This is so reflective too. I only touched it. And there is nothing I can describe or understand of its actual nature. The closest I can say is that it kept loving its creation at deeper and deeper levels. But that pales in comparison to what was actually happening. The intelligence was so far beyond what I could receive. So, I could seek forever and never know. And that is why it wanted me to go on and live my human life as though it is the most imperative thing... as it certainly is the most imperative thing from the perspective of God... as are all things. Again, this is not exactly reflective. It's just my best translation. But God set limitations for me out of mercy. It showed me the triviality and impermanence to being "an enlightened human" so that I could simply accept the gift of its creation.

That's exactly what I experienced. That which is Emerald is utterly incapable of understanding it. It's too much to bear. So, it had mercy on me and showed me because it knew I would ruin my life seeking some kind of transcendence to get away from what is. And it wanted me to live a simple innocent life where I could engage fully with its creation, as it gave the illusion as a gift to me. It wants me to live this story because it loves this story. I have to surrender to what simply is without seeking to fix or overcome. It is only to embrace that which is flawed and recognize the perfection in this experience... with or without what is referred to as enlightenment. There is no mistake in humanity.

Thank you. I appreciate the offer. I do need to seek connection and those who understand. I may get in touch at some point soon.

Thank you. I don't see your path in the cards for me. You seek to realize you are God at deeper and deeper levels. I seek to allow God to create what it wants through me as an extension of it and to take that with innocence and acceptance. It was already so much to die and experience the love of God and how deep it all went. And now is my time to learn to hold space for this dance between the infinite and relative that has been quite relentless. There are still vulnerable parts of me that aren't used to the death process that happens so often now. I trust my experience of what was shared with me that it is my path to ground deeper into my human aspect. Now, in my human uncertainty, I'm orienting myself to that. And if that is the wrong way, I will take that as it comes. There is no point in getting hung up with doubt or to trust others instead of my own experience.

There is a very human part of me that longs for people to understand and to be understood. There is nothing to be fixed here or overcome. There is no distinction between the finite and the infinite.

I am not anymore. After this, I realize that I'm meant to ride whichever wave comes and accept what is. There is just what is. Do you not understand that that is also God?

There is nothing to fix. The human predicament is perfect as it is. So, it’s about accepting and loving everything, even the parts that can’t love or let go. It is to appreciate what is, even as it is an illusion. And it is to allow for the human condition by engaging with story and narrative. It is to honor the creation of God as an extension of God, and to allow yourself to be the creation in all its purposefully laid imperfection. To allow yourself to be instead of trying to become. And even orienting to the attempts to become with compassion. That’s what most people are meant to do. And that isn’t a mistake.

Very much so. Right now, it’s all very overwhelming.

Why do you seek enlightenment?

I think you may not understand what I’m trying to articulate. There is no stopping this, even if I tried. There is no undo button. And that terrifies me. Every time I sleep or zone out a bit, I merge back into the absolute. And I stay until I feel overwhelmed and have to tap out and anchor back into this experience. My path is surrender. That means surrender to what is, even if what is is the reality that I can’t yet surrender. And to accept the flaws of my humanity. You see it as me stopping or avoiding. But I am Just now starting. But my direction is to ground into the human experience and live my human life as though it is my only. It is to treat this life with innocence and gratitude. And to give and receive love, and be an extension of God’s merciful quality in human form. That’s why it gifted to me this perspective. Enlightenment is a trivial thing in many regards. I see now that there are truly no enlightened people. There is just God knowing and loving itself in an infinite amount of ways. And sometimes that means giving a flawed human the ability to connect with it so it can love itself even deeper. Why do you seek enlightenment?