Emerald

I do realize this. I apologize for writing it as a generalization.

The issue really is that some people are trying to gaslight other people out of their perspective by saying it either isn't their perspective or that their perspective isn't valid. And then the people being gaslit are putting their foot down and saying "No. This is actually my perspective and it's valid." It's different than not understanding the other. Many who are being gaslit do understand the other quite well. They are just tired of being intentionally misunderstood. Also, I never actually said anything in this post about the male bias. It's always been about the female bias because that's what's being misunderstood so intentionally.

You’re projecting onto what I said. Men on here don’t understand women. But not because they’re stupid or intellectually inferior. It’s only because they aren’t receptive and don’t listen. They would rather hold onto their own made up stories about female desire which make them feel safer and less vulnerable than actually hearing the truth. It feels threatening to them, so they don’t want to accept the truths of the female perspective.

Thank you. Edit: Oops! I just realized that I responded to this earlier. I thought I'd forgotten to.

Thank you ?

As someone who has two kids (10 and 6), this is what I've found. -- I didn't broach the topic of spirituality with my kids until they started asking questions. My daughter was a little Buddha when she was under the age of 5, so she'd say stuff like "I feel like I'm the only one who sees things." and "how did all of this get here?" and "Who was I before I was me?" and now she's very much into thinking about "Is any of this real?" None of this was ever suggested or discussed by me because I don't want to shoehorn in any religious or spiritual beliefs. She's just come to these questions on her own. And she tends to have anxiety, and I wonder if it is because she happens to have this deep questioning orientation. I was a very anxious child for this reason... among others. So, I wouldn't want to risk putting my kids in that position if they didn't already naturally have the seeking bone. So, I was pretty careful about not sharing too much too quickly with her. And so I just told her that my experiences have been that God is everything and that everything is made out of God and that God is loving. I keep it simple. And my son now asks questions about the afterlife and is curious about heaven because he's heard of heaven and hell. And I say that no one really knows what happens afterwards. --- As far as raising the kids like other parents, I would say yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I want my kids to be well-adjusted to the current social structure. So, I do many things the same as other parents. I don't have a sense of needing to be different from most ways of child-rearing unless I really see it as causing problems or genuinely believe that there's a better way to do it. However, I see kids as a seed to be watered as opposed to a piece of clay to be molded. So, I do my best to stay out of the way of my kids growth and individuation process. Basically, I put fewer random expectations to be this way or that way onto my kids. Basically, I set the right conditions and boundaries and then let their own individuation process do the work... while also giving them encouragement when they discover new interests. --- For schooling, I'm a huge proponent of sending kids to public school. I think it is the best way to socialize your child as public school is a youthful microcosm of the wider society. For friends, I let my kids gravitate to who they gravitate to intuitively. And so far, my kiddos have had very nice friends. Food-wise, I'm not great with this. My son is a very adventurous eater and will eat and enjoy all kinds of foods that usually require a more mature palette to appreciate. So, he's easier to get to eat healthy foods. My daughter is a lot like me when I was a kid... very picky. She has like 6 foods that she likes and none of them are vegetables (unless avocado counts as a vegetable). But I'm really big on not forcing kids to eat what they don't want to eat. I'm also the same way about not forcing kids to eat if they're not hungry. That way, they get attuned to their own bodies for eating cues as opposed to certain mealtimes or us parents forcing them to eat something. --- I don't teach my kids about non-duality because non-duality must be experienced to understand it properly. And when ADULTS haven't experienced non-duality and have learned about it from some secondary source, they tend to get in traps of solipsism and nihilism and existential crisis. So, I don't teach my kids about non-duality at all. And I keep my conversations about spirituality only to what they come to me about asking questions. A child's job is to grow a healthy ego. So, you don't want to upend that very important developmental process. You don't want to create any developmental delays.

2009 was a rough year for me. That’s for damn sure. ?

I do understand and empathize with men quite well. And I’m always working to understand people more and more because it’s part of my life purpose. So, there’s nothing in what I said that suggests that women shouldn’t seek to understand men. It’s just that you’re moving the goal posts because the issue isn’t the same on both sides. It isn’t a mutual misunderstanding kind of issue. The issue is that women candidly share their perspectives and men gaslight us about it. Meanwhile, you’ll notice that women are not gaslighting men about their desires. We accept that men like what they like. We just don’t really resonate with what they like because we like different things. And that’s different than misunderstanding someone.

That’s good that you’ve grown to this point. I personally don’t really respond to cold approach, and most women don’t. I have mostly relied on my social circle to find partners because it’s just a better experience. Plus, at the times where I was receptive to hook ups, I was dealing with lots of boundary issues. And that’s because, at age 20, I lost my entire social circle within the course of a couple months. And my parents weren’t talking the to me. And I got evicted. And I only had one friend of mine who let me sleep on her couch. And I lost 30 pounds because I was dealing with food scarcity. And I slept with like 6 guys in 2 months (4 of which happened in a 2 week timespan) after having only been with one guy in my life. And I was really leaning into sex with random guys to fill a void in my life. I was so alone in the world and broken up that, if a random man asked me to go to his place I would rationalize that “I’m just going to hang out for a bit and if he tries to kiss me fine but I won’t have sex.” And then, because I was genuinely all alone in the world once the man would kiss me, I wouldn’t be able to stop sex from happening. And I would sometimes say no a few times before he wore me down. But honestly, I was so alone that when I would go out and busk on the street to earn money for food, I would walk back at 2am after the bars closed and I would feel very sad that I could have some random killer snatch me and that it would be a couple weeks before anyone would even begin looking for me. And so I really had no capacity to say no to human interaction even though I would tell myself that I a just wanted to be alone. And the humans that wanted to interact most with me were strange men. And I started to fetishize much older men who represented stability to me. So, I would guess that lots of women who are receptive to men who aren’t already in their social circle, are probably dealing with some self-esteem issues... and getting into anxious or avoidant tendencies. And they may have a weak social circle, which might cause them to over-rely on their partner for what they need. And I say this with no judgment to them. I’ve been there before. But I tend to suspect it’s a sign of emotional troubles to be receptive to men doing cold approach.

Stop trying to do the “wrong on both sides” argument. That just isn’t accurate. It’s just the middle ground fallacy dressed up as the voice of reason. The women on here ARE misunderstood and deliberately so. The men on here FEEL misunderstood when they are not. Notice the difference, and call it what it is. Also, women are dealing with the aftermath of thousands of years of having their perspectives totally squelched. And this type of misogyny hits very deep individual and collective wounds that relate directly to women’s oppression. So it is quite normal and natural for these wounds to get triggered when women are unilaterally gaslit about their own desires and instincts.

Notice in your post how you’re trying to justify your behavior. But whatever you did is not justified. She just wasn’t interested. And you applied all kinds of other meanings onto that. And you got mad at the noise inside your head and took it out on her. In fact, if the woman was initially interested, she probably lost interest because you have this tendency to lash out. It’s easy to sense it on a man. My recommendation is to bring this up with your therapist and discontinue meeting women until you’re no longer dangerous to them.

I definitely still get triggered by it for sure, because it upsets me to be misrepresented and misunderstood more than anything. It just makes me want to tear my hair out to be disbelieved about my own experiences. I'm pretty numb to most types of misogyny, but that one just really irks me and I feel like coming in and kicking ass and taking names. But yes, it's honestly coming from tons of self-worth issues. All misogyny really does come from that. In fact, you can probably guess that the majority of men who are drawn to pick are doing so out of some perceived sense of lacking value and being unlovable. But men and women's survival drives are deeply intertwined. It's part of nature's design. We're meant to fit together. It's designed symbiotically for a win-win. It's just that men who feel insecure will want a win-lose situation with women on the losing end, because they want control. And they will justify their desire for a win-lose by thinking women are looking for a win-lose. And they frame it all as some cut-throat zero-sum game. But in reality, women's desire is usually very pro-social and pro-love. So, it creates more of a win-win situation. But men's baser desire to seek lots of sex is pretty anti-social and creates a lose-win scenario. Basically, there's a reason why relationship is considered part of the feminine principle. And that's because the feminine is oriented toward love, relationships, motherhood, community building, and socializing in general. So, when you get men trying to control the narrative around relationships to choke out the feminine nature of it. And then if women who don't challenge that narrative, you get shittier relationships all around.

Thank you! Though I would say that the fish catching analogy is only applicable for player kind of guys. The men who want to serve only their own agenda and devour the woman without giving her anything in return. This is the relationship of the fishermen to the fish. So, I won't help a fisherman catch a fish because I am a fish and I don't want to see other fish be exploited, devoured, and used. And you won't find me biting on any hooks. But I will help fishermen realize that fish don't like being fished. And they will argue that fish really love it. And I'll say, actually no we don't. And it is my goal to help clear up distortions around female sexuality. Women really do generally want to be "caught" by a man. We just don't want to be caught in the losing side of a lose-win scenario. We want a win-win scenario where the guy is actually looking for love just as much as we are. So, I'm quite happy to help with that. And I'm also not totally against helping a guy who's struggling with meeting women get to a point of proficiency with that. Pick up can be useful that way.

Exactly. You can find men who are genuinely interested in you as a person. You don't have to settle for men who are just looking for any and all women that will have them.

Exactly. But I do know why they're arguing with me so vehemently. In all people, there is a desire for love... even underneath the deepest bigotry, hatred, and bitterness. And they perceive my survival agenda as something that is out of their control, which is the entire reason why men learn pick-up in the first place... to get some semblance of control over getting a woman to love them. And then, they repress their loving drives because that feels unsafe to them because sex is possible to game... while love is truly not. So, they only remain conscious of their drives for sexual variety and forget that they also have a drive that seeks love. The latter drive makes them feel too vulnerable and powerless. So, it gets rejected, repressed, forgotten, and denied. And sex becomes the only means of getting that loving communion they seek. So, they become obsessive about it and feel like they need it right away because sex and love become the same for them. So, when a woman tells the truth about her survival agenda and it doesn't match what they've learned about women and what's worked for them sexually, they feel out of control and insecure as it reminds them that they are still in the same position relative to getting love from a woman... which is not a bad position to be in, but it feels that way to men with self-esteem issues. And then because I share this uncomfortable truth of my reality, I become a projection screen for all their desires to get a woman to love and accept them. And I am mirroring to them that their strategies are making them lower value in my eyes (and most women's eyes, tbh) instead of making them higher value in my eyes and most women's eyes. This is why those guys are trying to argue me out of it because on some level they feel like I'm rejecting them and women as a whole are rejecting them, even though I am just being very clear about what I won't accept in men in general. And they are trying really hard to maintain the view of women's sexuality that helps them feel more in control and safer from their feelings of low self-esteem. But you're right. It really isn't a conscious strategy on my part either. I'm just sharing what's true for me and what's worked well for me, so that other women can adopt these mindsets. My intuition does this sorting for me naturally because I've had enough experience to know what I want and what I don't want. And I can also tell the difference between a man wanting me in particular and wanting sex in general. It's really easy to spot as there are tons of red flags and green flags that can be noticed. And I don't give any time or energy to what I don't want because I have no sense of scarcity. And I also don't experience wanting a relationship without wanting the person first. So, I'm not itching to be with someone if they're not THE someone that I want. It would be much harder if I really felt like I needed a relationship because then I would be scrounging for whoever I could get. But I am very much of the disposition that I'd rather seek a beautiful experience or simply go without. I don't feel the need to find something lukewarm just to fill a space in my life.

It is me defending my survival bias, for sure. That's the whole point. And notice how all the guys on the thread tried to argue me out of it having those survival biases. And notice how many men on the thread tried to deny that this is my survival bias. So many of the guys on here just can't accept it because they want to feel like they're more in control of women's desires. So, they cling to their understandings learned from pick up. But most women don't want a guy like this because he is antithetical to women's survival bias. Mind you, I never tried to argue any men out of their survival bias. I understand that men are oriented towards sexual variety and I have no issue with that. But I'm just saying that a man who selfishly pursues his survival bias at my expense will be sorted before he gets the chance. Men who are only interested in sex are really easy to spot and sort. And men who are looking for something deeper, even though these are rarer men, they create a win-win scenario between my needs and their needs. So, it is in alignment with my survival agenda to find a guy like this, as opposed to settling for some guy who's looking just for random sex like a few of the male posters on here are. And I recommend for all women to sort the same way, just because it's good strategy for finding a fulfilling relationship.

These are also very important parts of building a relationship. But to hold out for a man you can have this dynamic with, you have to remember that "You are the prize". Otherwise, you will end up not being selective enough and then end up with a guy who doesn't value you and you settle for less than you want and need in a relationship. This is a mindset that's very useful for women to remember their worth at the beginning so they don't end up putting the man up on a pedestal. Note, that what I've given is a list of strategies for women who want to attract a good man. So, these are specifically strategies to be employed. But if you look at my post, I also have many softer recommendations, like letting your intuition lead. This is why I recommend having a guy as part of your wider social circle before getting involved in him. And also making sure that you already have your feelings and intuition attuned to him prior to having a romantic turn. And in the meantime, you'll have to repel and sort other guys who are wrong for you, and not settle for anything less than what you want. Then, if you happen to get with this man who you are wanting to have a relationship to, it's very important to remember that he is the one courting you and not the other way around. Once those strong feelings arise, it can be easy to make him the prize and forget that you are the prize. So, I recommend maintaining that orientation until a relationship is established because that's just the most effective way to do the mating dance from a female perspective. This will come naturally if a woman recognizes her value and is selective about who she gives her time and energy to.

Oh that isn't it. I love sex! It's one of my favorite things about being human. It just isn't stimulating without certain emotions present. And I'm not interested in sleeping with a man before I hit my boiling point. You see men tend to love sex like Shaggy and Scooby love food. They'll pile anchovies on top of ice cream on top of pizza and just shove it in their mouth. They will eat anything and be in heaven about it. They have pretty low standards. If food is there, you can bet they want to eat it. But women tend to love sex the way Gordon Ramsey loves food. And Gordon Ramsey has very very high standards for what he eats. And he's the type of person who would rather go hungry than eat a bad meal. You can tell that Gordon Ramsey lives for food. But you'll also be wise to recognize that Shaggy and Scooby will be much happier to eat at Gordon Ramsey's restaurant than Gordon Ramsey will be to eat a Shaggy and Scooby's restaurant. So, I love sex. But I need for certain emotions to be present for that experience to be enjoyable. It's a little bit like, as a man if you tried to have sex without having a boner. It's not going to be enjoyable to you because the proper conditions are not in place. It's just that women's version of getting a boner is more heart-based and takes a longer time to be aroused. Also, if a man has this abundance and he's more focused on sex than on me in particular, he can move on from me. I have no ego in that. That's about him and his preferences. I know I'm not for everyone. So, any man who sorts me out as a prospect is doing me a favor because he is leaving room for a man who is more compatible with me and who will be invested in me enough to wait for me to come to a boil.

I would tend to be attracted to men who are emotionally intelligent and caring, who are authentic and not very hung up on sex. Just to give some celebrity examples, I would be interested in the type of guy who has a vibe like Steve Irwin or Bob Ross or someone like that. Or like a Rupert Spira of Adyashanti type of guy. Or like Cornel West or something. Basically, someone who's kind and smart and driven toward the positive things they want in the world. I mean honestly, I would be so proud to be the partner of any one of these men. And you have to screen out the assholes if you want one of these kind of men.

It isn't a game. It's a strategy for avoiding bad relationships. Once you're in the relationship, you don't have to screen so hard. That's when you can show the man what's raw, true, magical, and blissful. But if you're in the attraction phase, I recommend screening very strictly based on your intuition and your boundaries. And the mindset "I am the prize" helps you do this. Otherwise, women tend to get too attached and will treat the man as though he is by trying to impress and court him. And this doesn't work in the courtship process. The more equal dynamic you're talking about is more like a healthy relationship that's already been established.

You see, it isn't really selfish because it sets up a win-win situation. It's not like anyone loses in that scenario. The men I'm not interested in win because they can move on to find someone who is interested or to continue doing pick up. So, I don't waste any of their time. The man I'm interested who reciprocates wins because my choices have led to the relationship he wants. And I win because I get the relationship that I want with a man who I'm really attracted to who really cliques with me, loves me, and values me. I look to repel who I don't want to leave room for who I do want.