Emerald

That's a very broad topic that requires a deep personal exploration to understand. If I describe it in a nutshell, it's what's being alluded to in the symbolism of Shiva and Shakti... a union between the Masculine and Feminine both within each partner and between each partner. And from this place, the integration of these energies within one's self awakens one's power and one's gifts. And within a partnership, it enables a deeper bonding and relationship between partners. But it's easier for me to describe the Tepid Place to you. I imagine it like a musty stuffy dimly lit red cave that people get chained up inside of and addicted to because it gives little breadcrumbs of those deeper Shiva Shakti dynamics but on a lower and denigrated level. You can feel the Tepid Place in most pornography. And many men operate off of frameworks influenced by the psycho-sexual dynamics of the Tepid Place, while women tend to resist even going there outside of sexual encounters (which are also coming from the Tepid Place as it takes quite a lot to go deeper). The reason why I call it the Tepid Place is because it has a lukewarm lesser analog of these deeper Masculine and Feminine dynamics, where instead of the dance between Shiva and Shakti... the Masculine dominates the Feminine from a place of resistance to the power of the Feminine within himself and within women. And everything is reduced to pure physicality without any regard or appreciation to the spiritual dimensions of sex. And it's laced with lots of shame and is profane rather than sacred. And within the Tepid place it's all about male pleasure and men are the subject, while women are the object. And the Feminine is stripped of the full breadth, depth, and darkness of real Femininity and is limited to an impotent inferior position of forced submission and is seen as something that must be governed and controlled by the Masculine, while the Masculine lords over it from a place of insecurity and fear of the Feminine without awakening the Lover archetype or any kind of deeper appreciations or desires to explore the Feminine. And most men who care about being Masculine and who want to be more Masculine have some insights about Masculine/Feminine dynamics and those insights feel empowering... so they remain in the Tepid place because it becomes a comfort zone. And that's because, in the Tepid place, the power deferential always favors the Masculine. But the wisps of the deeper psycho-sexual and psycho-spiritual buttons are still there... which is what makes that place attractive and even addictive. And going there as a woman gives wisps of those deeper dynamics too... but at a cost to personal power and safety. So, going deeper with this topic and embracing yet transcending the Tepid Place is really imperative for women to do in order to descend to the deeper layers. Resistance to the Tepid Place keeps you stuck there. And that's why it's important to let yourself sink into it without resistance by asking yourself really difficult questions like "Am I inferior?" or "Is it the natural order that men lord their power over me?" It's only through asking difficult questions that you can descend past that level and into the deeper dynamics.

I made a post like this a few years back, but I wanted to update this even though there aren't too many women on this forum. Here's some dating advice... (Note: this is geared towards women who are interested in men.) Be unapologetically who you are and dress how you normally dress. You'll want to advertise your personality... which will turn away most men and attract in men that will actually prefer you. Come into the process of dating with the foregone conclusion that you are attractive and that you are a catch... and that any man would be lucky to have you. This is true regardless of how you look or what you have going for you. This will help put you in the frame of the Feminine Beloved and keep you from slipping into Masculine Lover mode where you're seeing him as the Feminine Beloved and trying win his affections. Understand that finding a partner as a woman is 10% attraction and 90% sorting. So, you must get really good at sorting men out who aren't compatible or possess dealbreakers that will drag down the quality of your life. And be sure to sort out spam attention. Keep your ears open for indicators and tells of anti-Feminine or misogynistic views. If you want to be able to be in your Feminine in a relationship, you must choose a man who isn't resistant to Femininity or women. Sort based off of the qualities that are the most important to you chemistry-wise, personality-wise, and life-style-wise. Ask yourself the questions "Could I be happy with this person long-term?" and "Would he be a good father?" If the answer is no to either of those questions, IMMEDIATELY sort him from consideration. Approach dating from a heart-centered place... but also bring your mind along to sort for deal-breakers and incompatibilities before deeper feelings set in. ALWAYS make relationship decisions from the stance of valuing "What do I want in a relationship?" over "Who do I most want to be with?" You have the capacity to fall in love with a guy who is terrible for you... or who isn't investing in you. So, instead of sacrificing the type of relationship dynamic you want in order to keep that guy... choose yourself over him, break it off, and seek out a more compatible man. This will be easier if you heed the next bit of advice. The man should be more into you than you are into him in the initial phases of courtship... as this is the stable foundation male/female relationships are built on. And you will feel anxious if he's not investing as much as you, which can feel exciting and bring up feelings of longing. Take that anxiety as an indicator that you've gone into Masculine Lover mode and to pull your energy and attention back from him and onto yourself and your own life. A non-invested man who you've put in the Beloved frame can stick around out of convenience and easy-going female companionship, but will quickly leave you if you are not his beloved once his actual beloved (or even just some other lady) comes around. So, there needs to be a dynamic where he's squarely in the Lover mode and sees you as the Beloved whose affections he must win. And you must have chemistry with him and see him as a suitable long-term partner but not be fully sold on him yet at the outset of the relationship. And if you are fully sold on him in the initial dating phase... you're probably in Masculine Lover mode and seeing him as your Feminine Beloved. So, pull your energy back from him and put it back on yourself. Abiding this bit of advice will give you a solid base for potentially creating a life together and having children together down the line.... which is not possible to do in a healthy way if you have all these chaotic anxious feelings about him because he's hot and cold about you. There is nothing you can do to persuade a man to love you if he doesn't already see you as his Beloved... so don't try. Just sort that man from consideration and focus on a man who does see you as the Beloved even if the chemistry is more moderate than with the guy who isn't as invested. This is difficult to do if you have deep feelings for him. But again, that crushy feeling is an indicator that you've shifted into Masculine Lover mode. Counterintuitively - anxiety and really crushy obsessive feelings are an indicator that he's not a good option. Instead, focus on feeling peaceful, safe, and at home as that settled feeling is an indicator that you feel safe with a man. You should have a clear sense that this guy is capable of being your rock.

Thank you

Thank you! I'm sure I could. I have tons of insights to share on the topic as Feminine reintegration has been at the core of my inner work between age 19 and 30. But I wouldn't want my thing to relate too much to sexuality as there are so many other facets of humanity that interest me. And my focus at this juncture is helping people use Shadow Work to overcome the dynamics that block them from what they really want.

I'm sure I could go in that direction if I wanted to. Not to ring my own bell, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who has explored Femininity and sexuality as deeply as I have... as it's a very difficult process in its own rite because it brings you right up against questions and collective psycho-sexual dynamics that are very dangerous to your being and your sense of self as a woman. So, the dynamic tends to be that men will explore as deeply into sexuality as the feel empowered by... which is like 3 layers deep with regard to human sexuality. And I call layer 3 that men often get stuck in as "the Tepid Place" because it is how it feels to be there as a woman. But in the Tepid Place, it really emphasize the power deferential of Masculine over Feminine. And this will get glommed onto especially by men who feel very powerless to women. And women generally will tend to avoid exploring the topic more deeply altogether because the Tepid Place feels as (and truly can be) a real impediment to personal power... especially those who have had men stuck in the Tepid Place try to lord themselves over them and claim a misplaced sense of superiority because of the superiority that does truly exist from the vantage point of the frame of the Tepid Place. So, exploring this dynamic as a woman is like lowering yourself down in a deep collective Feminine wound that has been affecting men and women for many millennia. So, the average woman gets stuck on the surface... and the average man gets stuck on level 3. And this gives a lot of men this sense of "Haha! I understand the Feminine better than women do." But there are so many deeper layers to this dynamic... hundreds of dimensions. And there's so much that people don't understand. But the Feminine has been so deeply repressed that they crave the Feminine... but few are willing to swim into the psycho-sexual wound to access it. And once you begin exploring this as a woman, there is no way to come to peace with it until you get to the very bottom of it and pass all the way through the innards of the Leviathan of your own sexuality, personal sovereignty, and power.

Thanks

With rape fantasies, there's this interesting dynamic of imagining a really extreme scenario of feeling totally stripped of agency, vulnerable, and out of control whilst actually being 100% in control and invulnerable. So... it's like safely enjoying a fantasy of being unsafe... while the mind is the puppet-master of the entire fantasy. Or if you have a trusted partner to orchestrate it, it's even more effective because of the lack of predictability and the ability to relinquish even more control. So, what she said about it being a control issue in reverse is most certainly true as well. And it definitely needs the backdrop of safety to work. But to your point about the Feminine nature, a rape fantasy combines the surrender and relaxation that's only possible with safety... with a really extreme imagined or orchestrated scenario of domination, violation, objectification, and a total loss of agency and power. And that fantasy tends to be effective at stripping back layers of day-to-day emotional insulation and armoring to reveal a softer and more vulnerable emotional underbelly and feelings of exposure... which increases physical and emotional sensitivity and opens up to a more subtle and nuanced awareness of feeling. And because of this increased sensitivity, the violation dynamic of the fantasy scrapes itself against that rawness, bathing you in a mixture of painful and pleasurable feelings that blend seamlessly together to where there is no sense of where pain ends and pleasure begins. And there's the loss of the burden of basic human responsibility associated with extreme objectification as well as vulnerability, softness, surrender, letting go in the face of powerlessness, and unconditional receptivity and responsiveness to forces from the outside world. And there's also disgust, pain, sadness, and fear that are mixed in with that cocktail of pleasant emotions. So, it's like the chocolate of emotions... sweetness and bitterness combined. And on a more sublime level, this unconditional receptivity to the violation mirrors the powerlessness to stop the passage of time and the forces of nature to take us into entropy. Such a deep surrender is very death-like in that way, so there is an ecstasy about it. And this is a way to get in touch with the Feminine, which is to be and feel alive... and therefore very in touch with human fragility as that is what it means to feel alive. And physically, all of this makes it a lot more easy for sexual energy to flow through the body and to reach a climax. Then, if you orchestrate it with a trusted intimate partner... you also get to feel a vicarious satisfaction for his pleasure and to feel the strength deferential in action... which is thrilling. But there is also a subtle reversal of the domination dynamic woven right into the fantasy. Like Femininity and beauty is his kryptonite and his instincts are so strong and powerful that he is weak agains them and has no choice but to surrender... to the point of committing a crime. It's even better if you can see the conflict play out in his facial expressions. Ultimately, the rape fantasy is just a vehicle to bring you more in touch with the Feminine which is surrender, receptivity, emotional sensitivity, permeability, physicality, softness, and being.

My recommendation is to gradually work up to more intimate and personal conversations over time. These are definitely not conversations for the first date... or for the first bit of the courtship process. If there's a topic that's really sensitive to you, you would really only want to bring it up once you know that you can trust her to receive it well... as some people are not well-equipped to hold space for others' vulnerabilities. But if she does lose interest and reject you for sharing a vulnerability, then you dodged a bullet, even though it would suck.

Sure, there are plenty of spiritual Trump supporters. And there are Trump supporters that I have known the are otherwise intelligent. But there is a lack of wisdom there in the choice to support Trump, even if they have experienced awakening or have an astuteness about other things. And that is because Trump is a system-eroder who only cares about his own power. The issue with supporting Trump doesn't primarily come from stupidity or lack of higher awareness... though ignorance does play a role. The issue is that Trump knows how to push people's emotional buttons with simple narratives... and people using mental gymnastics to avoid the awareness that the emperor has no clothes because they are attached to those emotional buttons For otherwise intelligent people who support Trump, it's 80% emotional attachment to the narratives he spins and what he represents as a leader of a movement combined with 20% strategic ignorance and mental gymnastics to maintain that attachment. The more complex the mind is, the more deeply a person can delude themselves. But also, the less complex the mind is, the fewer mental gymnastics people need to do to delude themselves. And both groups will delude themselves if there is an emotional attachment... especially if that attachment reaches the identity level. So... this problem can ABSOLUTELY happen in highly intelligent and spiritually awake people as their mind is more able to trick them.

@Tenebroso Thank you for sharing that with me. I think there could be dynamics to explore around that fear of rejection. That's especially true if there are some dynamics with either parent that made you feel like you would only ever be invalidated and never validated. You might also ask yourself the question "What is my biggest fear if a woman sees my scars?" All of these holds clues about how to let go of these limiting beliefs and to open up more to connecting with a woman. But the main thing is to keep an awareness that the viewpoints that you're using to cope with these things are not true... but a reflection of adaptations that you're using to avoid pain and rejection.

This framework you're operating off of isn't true... and it's preventing you from connecting with women. Just look around the world and you will see that there are ordinary men and women who love each other and live their lives together. And even if you may not yourself be attracted to men, I hope you can understand me when I say that I am attracted to regular guys... as are most women. But this is clearly a framework that you want to hold onto. And you look around for people to validate it to make it true in your mind. So, I'm not going to be able to reason you out of it. So, I would ask you this question, "How are you trying to protect or serve yourself by holding onto the idea that women aren't interested in anyone but the highest status guys?" It would seem to me that you might be using this narrative to avoid relationships with women... or that you may be playing out the way your care-givers related to you as a child... or that it's a way to avoid trying to connect to keep yourself from rejection by not trying... or some other dynamic. If you'd like to let go of this unhelpful thought pattern, you have to exercise extreme self-honesty and figure out where it comes from in the first place and what function it serves for you.

Definitely. Lots of men will talk a lot about wanting to be with the most attractive women in the world. But they're not really that picky.

Definitely can be a repeat of childhood familial dynamics and traumas when those super intense limerance feelings come up.

That's true. I thought about that too. There can genuinely be guys that operate like "betas" in a negative way. But when it comes to this particular narrative of "Women screw around with the Chads until they hit the wall and lose all their value, and then have to quickly settle for the betas and get married to those low quality simps so they aren't alone with their cats forever."... usually the men they call betas in this narrative are just higher quality partners that are more mature. But because there's a whole narrative frames the fuck-boy as the desired option and the guy she ends up marrying as the non-desire option... it's like "women can only get the Chad when she's young and fertile and hasn't been fully "run through"... and once she's 30+ and rode the entire dick carousel and her pussy is loose because of all the Chads have big dicks and the Chads have rejected her for a younger model, she has to settle for weak cuckish simp boys who don't even have multiple women in their rotation." But from the female perspective, it's just a huge misread on what women genuinely value as an aggregate. And it assumes that we're like "The highlight of my life was fucking Chad when I was 21"... but now I have to settle for lame Jimmy who's a a low status guy who loves me and our kids and pays all his bills on time.

Well, the romcom fantasy is more like the Lover and Beloved dynamic. That's when the Lover awakes in a man towards an individual woman when he feels this way. And the Lover (when it awakes) makes the person who embodies it very vulnerable and attached to the Beloved. And the feelings are strong. The issue is that there's no guarantee that the Beloved will love him back. So, it can be a better strategy to cast the net wider as a man and shake that one-itis until there's more confirmation of interest... and to shake neediness. And pick-up is about deliberately using the Beloved Feminine frame to attract a broader swath of women that he doesn't feel too invested in. It teaches men to avoid awakening the Lover in themselves and to remain in the Beloved position to increase women's attraction to him through bringing up those really high/low Lover feelings in her. It's good for a guy who wants a lot of low investment lays. But it's not very good for truly establishing a longer term relationship. But I'm not saying that being more attractive in your appearance won't increase a woman's options. It certainly will increase her options and she can attract a more attractive guy. But the reason why I don't add that to my list is because it's better to show up exactly as you would normally show up in life... however that may be. Advertise your identity as it is, and let the men who aren't interested in that sort themselves from consideration. Your concern that there won't be anyone left attracted to her just isn't a concern that women have to deal with... unless she herself has unrealistic standards.

To be honest, it's occurred to me before that the men that many men call "betas" tend to be the highest quality partners and make the best fathers. It's just that a lot of men view a valuable man as a man who gets laid often... and they assume women share in these values. So, they believe that women are settling for less... when the women are just getting an upgrade. There's nothing sexier than a mature man. But women tend to grow out of this desire for these "alpha" party guys in VERY early adulthood (usually between 20 and 25). So, while men tend to view a valuable man as a man who can get laid easily, women view a valuable man as a man who is a good partner and father. And if she herself is mature, she will begin looking for a more mature partner. That's why I try to discourage a lot of these types of perspectives, because a lot of men on this forum are being influenced by other men to develop values that will keep them resistant to the "beta" qualities that mature women respond to. And they may end up alone longterm because of these values.

Well, women like to date up finances-wise. And men like to date up looks-wise. So both women and men date up and down... just along different spectrums of status. But it's important to note that these considerations are not based on any kind of objective measures of status. This is based purely on feelings. A man must feel somewhat more invested in the woman than she feels invested in him for the relationship to work out over the long-term. But lots of women make the mistake of searching out the really ambrosial feelings of Masculine Lover mode and go seeking for the high and low spikes of trying to woo and win over a low-investment man (regardless of whether he's a CEO or a free-loader she lets live on her couch). So, if you hear a woman gushing about a man she's just started dating... she's making a mistake. And it's a very common mistake. Hence the advice that most women make a few times until they know better.

There are 8 billion people on the planet... about 4 billion are men. There is no scarcity of options. And if you're monogamous, you literally only need one guy out of those 4 billion. Like, most women aren't interested in collecting a harem full of men. But focusing on looks is fine if that's part of your personality and identity. Lots of women (including myself to some degree) like to adorn themselves and peacock around a bit. But I don't recommend doing this specifically to attract a partner, as you want to be attracting that partner based on the way that you would normally show up in life. Do it only if it's part of your identity to do so. And if that involves doing hair, make-up, and dressing to the 9s... do that. Or if that involves jeans and a t-shirt a messy bun and no make-up, do that. You want to advertise as you are... as this will repel the wrong ones and attract the right ones. Ideally, you repel 90%+ because that narrows things down to only guys who are really interested in what you have going on. Just don't get too worried about attraction. Those that find you unattractive will sort themselves... and those that find you attractive will come closer like bees to flowers. Then, you can sort from there. So, women have to learn how to repel and sort, while men have to learn how to approach and attract. I think the confusion is that men are used to thinking about dating from a sense of needing to cast the net wide and to attract as many as possible using active strategies to make themselves more attractive. And there's a tendency to project that necessity onto women... especially because men are attracted to women. But women don't really need to maximize their appearance. In fact, it can kind of get in the way as attractive women attract a lot of spam attention. So, beautiful women need ESPECIALLY to learn how to sort as she can end up with a guy who only sees her as a status trophy. So, it's just a different strategy than you're used to.

I'm pretty sure it's just insecurity. I basically wrote a post recommending that women get better at sorting... and developing certain standards. And I didn't add "Be as attractive as possible" into my dating advice.... frankly because it's not great advice. So, it probably messed with his idea that the main power that women have is their attractiveness. Lots of men who feel disempowered relative to women, find relief in that idea that women's power is wrapped up solely in her ability to be attractive to men. And that's precisely because women's looks are not something that can be significantly changed (without plastic surgery). And looks always fade over time. It probably also bothered him that I mentioned that women don't need to focus on attraction because it happens automatically... because that is his pain point. And he has to work at attracting. So, he is saying these things to make me feel how my post and replies made him feel... like I'm less valuable and that men will never want to sleep with me because I am not attractive enough. And that's because that's what my post triggered in him.

Of course men want attractive women. It's just that men generally find lots of different types of women attractive.

The appearance of the women that a man is interested in doesn't say very much about his quality from the female perspective. Maybe his male friends might rib him about it if they're also really focused on sleeping with super attractive women and he sleeps with an average-looking woman. But women aren't really sorting on that basis unless they themselves are really wrapped up in some looks-based status game. So, when a man says things like "I'm only attracted to the hottest women" that registers to me as coming from either an insecurity and trying to seem "above it" in some way to try to make the woman feel insecure about her looks. Or it comes from a more shallow exploitative tendency more generally... like men who genuinely view women as commodities instead of as people. Either way, it's one of those red flags that I recommend women sort for... as it's a tell about how mature the man is and how safe he is to invite into her life.

In a relationship, of course. That's a very mutual dynamic. But in the courtship phase, it's really important to avoid over-functioning and over-giving.

Just to clarify a bit on that bit about being too cold. You could also over-sort. Lots of women run into this issue where they're operating only with their mind and they have a laundry-list of qualities that they want their partner to have. So, that's where you also end up getting disconnected from heart-centeredness... which doesn't work well as it applies something concrete and logical to something much more intuitive and nuanced. Like, it's good to have deal-breakers and boundaries and to sort for compatibility. But 80% of that information will come intuitively through human-to-human interaction and all the subtle micro-expressions and gestures he makes and in the sound of his voice.

This isn't something that needs to be thought about or orchestrated too much, but it can be good to keep in mind as a mechanism for sorting out men who aren't engaging you as a Lover and who just want access to low-investment girlfriend benefits from a woman he finds attractive but has no deeper love for. And the relationship will just go in the man as lover, woman as beloved dynamic naturally if it's a secure relationship and the woman has sorted well so as to avoid low-investment suitors... and the affections will even out quite a bit over time where there is oscillation between lover and beloved between both partners. It's just more polarized in the beginning. So, it's not so much that you'd need to stay in the Beloved role to make the guy stay there... though being in the Feminine Beloved mode in relation to him helps the bonding. Even highly invested men will eventually give up and be repelled if a woman can't connect to her Feminine around him. But this whole approach is very hands-off about what men do, as that is not within the scope of the woman's control. And any attempt to try to make him stay or commit, is just going into the Masculine and trying to control and manipulate. So, that is not a power that women possess. The power the women possess is the sorting of the wrong ones to open up space for the right ones. That's why developing sensitivity and discernment and to tuning deeply into your boundaries and feelings of disgust is really helpful as a woman... as you can sort better when your palate is more sensitive. So, the guy will stay if he wants to. And the guy will leave if he doesn't want to. The woman has no control over this. But if she stays in her Beloved during the courtship process and minds her boundaries and focuses on WHAT she wants in a relationship as a priority over WHO she wants in a relationship, then she will sort out the low investment guys who want to have the benefits of having a girlfriend without engaging in the heart-openness of Lover mode. But if you go into Masculine Lover mode as a woman during the courtship process, you will tend to try to keep an un-invested man sticking around when you should better sort him. And low-investment aloof men are operating in the Feminine toward the woman. So, this is what tends to awaken the Masculine Lover in the first place because she senses him as a goddess on a pedestal that she must impress and woo through attraction strategies, wearing make-up, sex, cooking for him, cleaning for him, nurturing him, and just giving to him. She becomes the Masculine Lover trying to win the Feminine Beloved's affections. But men are not swayed by this in the way that women are. A man can woo a woman... but a woman cannot woo a man. It's either there or it isn't for the man, and there is not way to control, manipulate, or persuade his feelings. So, if you stay in the frame of the Beloved during courtship... you just have to sort those guys from consideration because they'll either hang around and waste your time, or leave you, or cheat on you.

I think my post triggered up some insecurities in him... so I think he was trying to make me feel how my post made him feel by trying to convince me that men only sleep with the hottest women. But he picked the most unrealistic way to try to do that.