Serge

@Nahm Oh, thank you for your reply! Beautiful song too! For the first couple of times of listening to it I couldn't feel much, but after trying it a couple more times I could get a grasp of a bit of "Into The Wild" vibe, and I liked it! @Max_V Yes, I can see what you mean. Creativity can be found everywhere. It's just hard for me right now to do so with music . Thanks! @TimStr Thank you very much for your advice! I think I understand what you mean. Looking forward to apply it! And thanks for the musical pieces you've proposed me to familiarize with! You know, I think that it's possible to like every genre of music. I think it's our egos that create those classifications like "stupid music", "excellent music", "music for retards", "music for intelligent people". The reality is just that different music provides you with different emotions. And it's us labeling "good" and "bad" that creates those artificial demarcations. And by doing so we only lose. @AdamDiC Thank you very much! "Drop all expectations for what you want out of the music." - felt the zen vibe while reading this advice . @Girzo Yes! I've seen a couple of days a course where Hans Zimmer teaches his way of writing. I think I'm going to give it a try . Thank you!

Hello everyone! I started learning on my own about music a couple of years ago, in order to become rich and famous, as I thought I could teach myself making popular music that would make millions and FINALLY I'd be happy. Classic ego-driven motivation . Then, half a year ago I found out about self-actualization and started learning about it, but a really weird thing was happening in that period, as I can see it now. It wasn't the "higher me" who was studying self-actualization, but it was the ego. So, long story short, around a month ago, this "ego studying self-actualization" finally led me to a very strong depression, and, thanks to a discussion with a friend, for the first time in my life I could see the world totally differently. It was like my mind opened and I detached myself from my ego. It was mind blowing for me, though it lasted just for a couple of minutes. But I have a memory of that experience, and, step by step, I'm becoming more and more aware (it's so weird for me to use this word the way I use it now, because in the past the ego part of me thought it was something totally different ). It really feels like I am born again and experience the world for the first time. It's just amazing. The way I saw things, and the way I start seeing them now... Beautiful! So, to the point! As my motivation for becoming a musician was fame and money, now I realize that I almost never felt music. My focus always was on the number of youtube views of the song, people reactions in the comment section, maybe the production quality of the song, but really really rarely on the feeling, the emotion that a particular musical piece would give. It was like the mood of the song was the 100th important thing. And now I see that without a particular feeling in mind, it's almost impossible to make music. I still want to learn to make music, and make a carreer out of it (this time with a higher-self motivation.... hopefully ). A part of me sees the beauty of music, and the way I could contribute to the world by doing it. I don't even mind becoming popular and rich. I am fine keeping those wishes, but I feel like my motivation behind them has changed. I don't want those things for myself anymore. I feel like I could create a image of "myself" that could contribute to the world. And, the most important thing is that I feel I'm not dependent on that anymore. I feel like there's a world of things I can do to live a beautiful life and my wish to be a musician is just something that is "natural" at the moment, so I go with it. So (sorry for the whole story thing, but I felt like I needed to introduce you to these details), could you advise me some practices by which I could teach myself to feel music? I'm kind of lost on this one.

@Akhil George You have to realize that your anxiety is just a pattern your brain is used to go through. But you can be in control of that. So, for example, whenever you encounter a new person, your brain will choose the most frequently "used" neuron circuit, and, in your case, it's being anxious. Do you remember the railroad analogy they used to teach us about memory? It's the same thing happening with you. Realize that. That would be the first step. That should open your mind to the possibility that YOU are not that anxiety. It happens, you can feel it, that is true to you. But YOU are something else. Do you feel your ass right now? Did you feel your ass before I asked this question? It's like when I asked the question you somehow "summoned" this tactile sensation. But your ass was on the chair all along? Right? It's like you just gave some attention to your ass. And you can easily move your attention from your ass to your feet. It's no different from your anxiety. But it's much harder, in your current stage to do it. Your unconscious mind has created the illusion for you that this anxiety is something VERY VERY real and YOU MUST feel it and follow it. But it's no different from your ass touching the chair. It's an appearance in your consciousness. I would suggest you the following practice: Think of a situation when you experience not much, but still a little bit of anxiety. Now go simulate that situation. Like, do what you imagined in real life. But this time, try to shift your attention from it. Realize that this thing is present in your consciousness, do nothing to it, leave it alone. Just shift your attention to, let's say, your breath. If you will do that long enough, you will realize on a deeper level that you are in control here. Gradually, your anxiety will become less and less dominant in your consciousness. But give it time. It might take you years. Be ready for it. As for porn, you watch it because you don't have a strong reason not to. If you had - you wouldn't. And I really mean it. I mean that you current reason isn't strong. There is a part of you who doesn't mind watching porn and, personally, I don't mind it too . SO really think what is your motivation not to watch it?

@Ryan_047 I think that you're just trapped in your paradigm . The fact that the world sucks for you happens just in your mind and it's most probably been unconsciously fed into you. The wonderful thing is that you're capable of choosing and changing your paradigm. You just trust your mind too much and you don't even realize what tricks it could play on you! Of course a "good life" differs from a "bad life"! But it's not external circumstances that differentiate them, but your attitude towards those circumstances. The meanings you give to things change. Your life is "bad" just because you think and believe that it's bad. It's all in your head . But it's fine! You might be in a very important stage of development! If I got your current state right, you're very close to really comprehending what I've written above. You see, you, in your current paradigm, might interpret the the things I've written above totally differently than from what I really wanted to say. That's where open mindedness is required. And it's not a thought, it's more like an experience. In order to save some time I'm going to try a little imaginary dialogue here. If I understand your state of mind right, than our face to face conversation might look something like: ME: "Why do you think life sucks?", "Why do you believe it's true?" YOU: "Well, I feel it. It makes complete sense. Look - I'm sad, because everything is false and existence is pointless. Nothing matters." ME: "And why do I think that is true?" YOU: "Because there's no meaning to anything, life is pointless and this is depressing!" ME: "Why do you think it's depressing?" YOU: "Because I feel it. It's real. My depression is here, I can feel it." ME: "And how do you know that this feeling is "real"? It's just in your mind. It doesn't mean it's real. Why do you think the depression is real? Why do you think that it's "bad" that existence is pointless? How did those thoughts even get in your mind? Why sadness is more inherent to life than happiness? Could it be that both happiness and sadness are projections of your mind? And if that's true, isn't it amazing? The fact that you can choose what to project?" Now here I need your real reply (or is it? ). I might've got your position wrong, so feel free to correct me. We can discuss it! Cheers.

There doesn't really have to be a "me". Since we were children, we've been using this word in our vocabulary. "I think", "I feel", "I believe", "I know" etc. So it became like something inherent and unquestionable for our minds. So we assume that this "I" is a thing, it's something that undoubtely IS there. It's misleading. SOOO misleading. You have no idea how illusory the words can be. The phrase "I think" can be substituted with the phrase "thoughts appear in my consciousness". The meaning remains the same, right? Sure it does! But... But there's still a "my" in the statement, right? Like, it implies that something possesses this consciousness! So, there's got to be something, right? The "I" exists! But... Wait.... Let's take a closer look to that statement: "something possesses this consciousness" Hmm.... A-ha! Here's the issue! We simply commit an equivocation fallacy here! Good Ol' Logic! We usually use the word "possess" for something "external". Let's look at the example "I possess/have a car" (don't pay attention to the "I" in this example statement, it's not the point, focus on the "have/possess" part, or what would be better, try to look at "I possess" as if it was one word, one thought). So, the statement "I possess a car". When we closely analyze the thoughts beyond those words. we understand that what we mean by them is just a set of characteristics! It might be something like "The car is parked in my garage", "I spent money on it", "I have some papers that legally prove that it's mine", "I drive it often" etc. See ? There's nothing more to that! Now, let's get back to our statement! Try to analyze "something possesses this consciousness". Don't you feel like it doesn't work? Doesn't it feel like it doesn't make sense to apply this word to the magical "I" ? Don't you see that there's no meaning behind that? Like a dead end? You just cannot say "I possess a consciousness" in the same fashion you say "I possess a car". So, my dear friends, THE CASE IS SOLVED! It's just an illusion! You see, words can be really, really tricky! And that's what Leo means when he says "question the shit out of everything" If you don't, you get caught up by those illusions. And suffer.

@Nahm Sir, "Manipulating the pieces is really the human specialty." - that's one of the most beautiful things I've heard in the last months! Thank you! I've watched yesterday Kurzgesagt and CGP Grey's (names of YouTube channels) videos on this topic and thought about it myself too. The thought that is particularily interesting for me now is that for YOU (consciousness), it doesn't matter whether your body dies or it doesn't. Your consciousness dies every second. In some sense, it doesn't even exist, because time goes on and on (the word "illusion" pops up in my head when I think about these things). The issue is totally different when it comes to our egos. I feel like it's our ego that fears death, as it wants to preserve itself and death threatens it's survival.

@Edvard @Prabhaker @Lorcan @HypSandar @Joseph Maynor @Clint Eastwood @Spiral , thank you very much everyone for your thoughts! It's definitely enough information to contemplate on!

I mean, so many people dream about it... Famous... When I write this word I feel like it carries so much garbage with it , so I'll use the word "popular". It's been my goal for a long period of time to become popular, because I thought that it opens up lots of possibilites for yourself - the possibility to meet/communicate with people you admire, financial independency, and, consequently - lots of free time. Roughly speaking, my plan was to make a shitload of money, become popular and at that point - the gates are open to anything, do what you want. But as I'd started working on myself and become more aware of my motivations.. idk... it feels that there's something wrong (I wouldn't be satisfied) with it. But I can't figure out why. Like, why wouldn't those possibilities make my life easier, why wouldn't I want those things? Why do I feel that accomplishing this goal is not worth it ? I am very interested in your thoughts about this!

I've been listening recently to some of Sam Harris' podcasts and he, with some other guy, were contemplating on this topic. And one of the ideas that caught me was that once you love equally everybody, there is no sense of having someone special in your life (like your wife, your kids), and you're not motivated that much anymore to spend more time with them. Obviously, when you love everybode equally, YOU will feel more fulfilled, at peace and happy with your life, but I think that if you're a married man, you love your wife and your children, it's hard for you to trade that "special" love for your family to a feeling of love for everything around you, as you'll think that you're losing something (when, in fact, you lose nothing, you just add to it... or do you? ). Quite interesting stuff . Just wanted to share those thoughts as they relate to the topic .

Realizing [through awareness (thanks Leo!)] that my life purpose is hollow and based on nothing else but my narcissistic values and starting to build a new, more fulfilling one.

@Annetta thank you very much. I've just read briefly about this and I think it will help me. @Visitor "And when you get it, deep down you know it is not unconditional." That's exactly how I feel about it. I feel like it's forced and empty. It's like I want to get that really bad, but when I get it I'm not satisfied. I'll keep being mindful and honest with myself. Hopefully I'll find some "replacement" for those narcissistic traits.

Hello, community! As I'd started practicing awareness and mindfulness I learned more and more about myself. I'd figured out lots of thoughts "accompanying" my actions, thus leading to figuring out my motivations for doing those actions. I plan to become a musician (or, in any case, I did). Sometimes, before I go to sleep, I practice piano for half an hour as a form of meditation. A couple of days ago, during one of those sessions I was very mindful about my thoughts and I noticed that lots of times when I played something "awesome", an image of someone I know complimenting me or praising me would've appeared in my head. The next day I've decided to see why am I motivated to be a musician. What drives me to pursue this path? So I grabbed my guitar and started singing, but trying to be very aware of what was going on in my head. As I was playing, images like friends talking about how great I am at this, people giving their attention to me would pop up in my head. I became some kind of shocked and scared. Then I found out that it doesn't happen just during my musical practice. I would imagine how people would appreciate my body if I worked out hard, how they would tell me how good of a person I am if I helped someone. I realized that I am seeking for attention and praise (and there's no reason to say how I feel when it doesn't happen). I realized that lots of times when I did something good for another person, I was driven by "growing" in front of their eyes. So I concluded that I lack true empathy. I feel that there is a "getting over" this problem, because I don't behave "narcissistic" ALL THE TIME. There are, though not often, moments in my life when I am practicing music and feeling something special about it, working out for the sake of passion, experiencing unconditioned love for people. Those moments are very very rare, but their existence gives me hope to make them dominate my life. Now, as I've realized what most of my motivations are grounded in I feel destroyed. I don't genuinely want to pursue my musical path, I'm not interested in talking to people, I don't want to do anything but maintain my vital processes and make enough money to do so. I feel that I lack TRUE life purpose. As I am currently researching this "personaity disorder" I would also really appreciate to hear your thoughts about my situation. P.S. Hopefully, that's just me going through a process I had to go through, to start living from a blank sheet, but writing true, grounded words on it.

@Wormon Blatburm that's exactly what I've found out a couple of hours ago through a bit of research. The term probably doesn't fully apply to me, but I definitely suffer from a big chunk of it's "symptoms". I would really appreciate if someone would advise me any solutions (Exercises, books, articles - anything. I really want to understand this issue better. Why I have it, how does it influence my life, is it worth having it?)

@Wormon Blatburm I think it's much worse in my case. If you would've told me right now that someone I know died, I wouldn't feel any pain. And now when I think about my behaviour in the past, I can recall lots of situations where I behave very self-centeredly. Probably, but THAT being my BIGGEST motivation for so many activities? It's so hollow, empty and unworthy. @Vladimir At this point, Volodya , I don't even know what happiness is. If all along the way it was this "approval seeking", then I don't want it. The most interesting thing is that I don't really know why I don't want it. You know, it made me feel good up until lately and now, that I've become aware of it - I just don't want it. I'm not sure, but I suspect it's because it's somehow unfulfilling and I (somehow again) believe that there's a more fulfilling alternative.

@Visitor perhaps.. But as soon as I've realized those things about me, you know.. that was (maybe still is) my motivation to do most of the stuff I do. And now, as I notice that I am driven mostly just by the desire to be approved/praised I.. I don't want it (don't know why). And as a result I find no purpose in life. How do I build it?

@Christian but what if you don't have a desire to impact the world anyhow (or at least, you can't find it out) ? How do you build your life purpose?

@Voyager The problem is, I don't know how to feel that. I know that lots of people say that they feel something relaxing, pleasant when practicing or performing. I don't. Or I do, but very very rarely. Most of the times it's just images of "good job" and "wow"

Hi, @Pallero, "success seeking" musician here . My thoughts are that, success is a form of external happiness, which Leo in one of his videos calls "excitement", which is nothing wrong with ,but if you are addicted to it and don't realize that it's never going to make you feel "fulfilled" it might cause you lots of frustration and negative emotions. I mean, the way I see it is that as long as you sincerely want to achieve some kind of a success you have no reason not to do it, because that's YOU, that's reality, but realize that achieving this ultimate goal that you've put in front of you is not going to bring you happiness for the rest of your life, just learn to be internally happy even in the process of achieving your goal - in the present moment. Personally, I cannot induce those states of "happiness in the present moment" so often, so I am following my desires, looking for success and other external sources of excitement, BUT I am trying to be as mindful as I can about anything and dedicate time to self-actualization. So if one day I no longer care about success, it will happen naturally and honestly (hopefully :D)

Well, for starters, I think that the concept "stupid" is kind of useless when applied to a human being as a label. It just shows your attitude to a certain activity that the person under discussion was performing (You like/dislike, agree/disagree with it). As for the situation you've described, well, each and one of us is a byproduct of reality (or, the way Leo says it - we are reality) and judging people is an unconscious way to distort that reality. If you're tempted to participate in that kind of discussion and you have the natural desire to do that - it will be useful for you to engage, because that's who you REALLY are, BUT be mindful about your state and see how it makes you feel during the discussion, as well, as after that. Be really aware how that influences your life, as this way you will be able to spot the negative consequences it brings into your life (if it does). Personally, gossiping doesn't interest me, but in the past it did. And as I recall, when I was doing that it made me feel somehow addicted to it, like it was swallowing me and, what is more important, it unconsciously was building up the importance of society in my life, which was empowering my people pleasing mentality - with which I'm currently struggling. And as soon as I realized that, it's like I naturally didn't want to do that anymore, I just lost the interest in it.