S33K3R

I joined this forum a long time ago. Then disappeared to do some work. I have had new realizations since this forum. The biggest realization came in realizing how obsessive my consciousness is. I spent about 2 weeks watching my own obsessive nature and those people around me. It is quite uncommon to find a person who is not obsessive. I found myself wondering how much energy is wasted with this reactive obsessing I was doing. I spent many years studying meditation and working on the methods, but it seemed something was missing. I feel this realization about my own obsessive nature may be the missing thing. I did an experiment where I am not allowed to obsess for more than 5 minutes consciously. When starting this experiment I had a lot of negativity I battled daily. Frustration with my mother, sister, boyfriend, and my own self created isolation. Not to mention all these other things like other drivers, rude people, managers, ETC that would cause me to obsess. Over the past few weeks I have purposely put myself through hell. Like an emotional stress test. Can I be happy no matter what if I dont obsess? Somehow the answer is yes. Not only can I be happy, But I have been fully in control emotionally, cognitively and physically. It seems this realization has created a very solid center that not even an ego can challenge. Even the universe seemed to have had some fun testing out this new programming in me. On Friday my boyfriends jeep broke down, Saturday a tree trimmer did a hack job and said he would return to fix it and asked for payment, I paid him for almost the full job. Which wouldnt be a smart thing to do in any situation. I paid him on purpose to bring about an anxiety storm to test my ability to refrain from obsessing. It was very hard! But I did it. I think I obsessed for about 4 hours total over the course of 4 days. I lost about 2 hours of sleep during a particularly intense period of obsession. The only thing I really have obsessed about since I started this new approach to myself. Results So It turns out that for me anyways.. Obsessing is very destructive. It wasted a lot of time... And even more energy. Ever since I stopped fully I have become a much better and more rounded person. Here is a break down of the results separated into physical, mental, and emotional. Physical: More energy, better quality of sleep, eating better and more healthy, no longer procrastinating anything AT ALL. I am physically sore from doing all of these random things I have been putting off for years. Yet physical exhaustion does not seem to exist. I have accomplished: Fixed the water pump on a jeep that I normally would have given up on. Good thing I didn't, it turned out 3 bolts needed to be tightened. That would have been an easy $250.00 for a mechanic. Painted a bedroom in my spare time. I have been putting that off for about 3 years now. The vibrant colors make me happy and more excited about life. Sold an antique piano that I was going to give away for $1,000 dollars. Who knew it was such a rare collectible? Finally trimmed the trees that I have been wanting to trim. Got a good deal by keeping all of the wood. I have been getting exercise stacking wood every day since they trimmed it on Saturday. Just to name a few in the last 5 days. Mental: Extreme clarity. When my boyfriends jeep seemed impossible to fix. I had been working on it for over a day. Multiple trips to autozone and other auto places. He had given up a half day ago. I was able to push through that frustration with little resistance and get it done. That was truly a victorious moment. Emotional: Anxiety is destroyed. I confirmed this with the tree trimmer. By paying him and not knowing if he would return to fix the branches he has not removed I was able to really test how strong this method works for me. We were screwed over in the last two years by a tree trimmer that did the exact same thing. We paid them for part of the job and they never came back to finish what they said they would do. That caused me to obsess for months and I was still upset abut that even 6 months ago. Paying the tree trimmer did bring up some extreme desire to obsess in order to control the situation. But I fought with myself every time the obsessions started. I conclude that combining the refusal to obsess with other meditation techniques is necessary. I have noticed many people obsess even within the spiritual community. I believe this missing thing should be addressed. I believe this is where the ego gets its power as I have not seen much of my ego since I started this new approach. I am back I will be keeping this journal regularly to understand my own progress with my obsessions. I am curious if this will continue to be a battle or if the intensity will fade much the same as habits fade as time goes on. I have noticed a trend towards fading slowly as my "go to" is much less likely to be obsessive since I started this.

Late entry ** 07/11/18**** The last 24 hours have been more difficult I would say. Like waves of chaos and then calm. This has been the chaos. I cant help but wonder if some kind of environmental effect is factored in here. 07/12/18 Today has been good. The wave seems to have passed. I now feel a light at the end of the tunnel vibe. Or maybe that is the coffee and upcoming Friday talking haha. My ego attempts to obsess but it seems less intent on doing so. I wonder if that is just me being fed up about it? I did go through a few days where I just kind of let whatever happen without fighting so much.

Dont be an employee for that company. Present yourself as a contractor that charges a flat fee just to show up then an hourly fee afterwards. That will make the company value your travel time more.

I understand where you are coming from. I went through that myself. For me smoking helped me face things that were too hard to face when not smoking. Like I would just suppress things and it would turn into severe anger and even a bit of rage. I dont know if that is what is happening with you. It was hard at first because I would wallow in my depression, but it also gave me time to reflect and start to have compassion for myself. Which before I just told myself that I need to get over it and didnt really care about my own pain.

@LiakosN Yes in the past I have had obsessive thoughts about negative relationships in my life. I have a family with not so good relationships. My sister, mother and father. I would obsess about various things they did. Such as my sister destroying our relationship over a little bit of extra work she did for a month. I consider what she did to be petty and it is very easy for my mind to obsess and that will begin to tear me down within I would say about 5 minutes. The longer I think about those things I have no control over the more they cripple my ability to focus on what I can control. It was hard for me to basically abandon my previous hobby of obsessing about others shortcomings but once I realized in real time that it was improving my over-all quality of life. It became easier once I realized the improvements from just changing the way I pay attention to my thoughts. I believe over-all this realization is what the mindfulness meditations are getting at. But for me that was kind of just a shot in the dark not really telling me the goal to aim at. With this it is clear and makes sense.

One thing I found that I was not able to fully get a hold of my depression until I realized something. I was doing the mindful meditations, I was doing the breath work. I would still get depressed. Mostly because I was failing to recognize that between my mindfulness moments which was most of the time. I have been practicing for over ten years. But depression still slipped in because I was obsessing over thoughts I have no control over. I tend to get very focused when I see what I label as negative. I realized that by refusing to participate in thoughts for longer than a few moments that the depression and anxiety cant really build. I have been testing this for weeks now and everything seems to be working great. I even got screwed over by a landscaper on purpose to see if that would trigger depression. Nope I am fully focused and confident. My energy levels are very high because I am no longer fighting my consciousness for awareness anymore. You see I found out that mindfulness is good, but its also exhausting. I am not interested in enlightenment. I am interested in finding a balance I am happy with. This seems to be much closer to my goal than I have ever been. Watch your mind for a day. Or just pay attention when you see that depression creeping in. What thoughts are you having at that time? are you obsessing about them? why? is it logical to do so? Is there something you can do to fix the obsession? If not why obsess? It weakens your awareness to obsess over something you cannot control.

I have gotten much better at not taking life too seriously by refusing to allow thoughts to remain in my focus longer than they need to be. This has changed my outlook from being scatter brained and not confident, to being focused and very confident. Somehow my tendency to obsess over things that dont matter blanket the important things and make me unsure of my position due to lack of awareness. This change has been a significant step for me.

Today has been a good day. The tendency to obsess has had an observable reduction. I have seen my mind attempt to obsess about that tree trimmer I paid LoL he did exactly what I thought. Didn’t return so my mind has wanted to obsess about that because it is so morally wrong to break your word in my book. I did learn a lot from this experience though. I can really think much clearer when I dismiss the obsession as what it is. Noise. Now I have been clear minded and able to take actions to fix my situation. LoL he has what is right for people like him coming. I have been able to enjoy my days without much resistance. I can relax without regret and I can transition into getting things done without hesitation. Its like being on vacation from myself almost

So I had a much better weekend. I have been doing much better ever since I realized this micro obsessing was driving my life. I call it micro obsessing because a normal person would not see me as an obsessive person. They would most likely see me as someone who is very thorough and thoughtful but at the same time non obsessive. But in the past that wasn’t true. My mind enjoyed replaying thoughts that put me in a victim role. This weekend I realized that this victim role is very stressful to be in because it has actually made me incapable of being creative and adaptable as I do not trust my instincts when in an emotion/obsessive state. Obsessing dulled my ability to read a given situation free of emotion which created an environment for big mistakes. When big mistakes were made it was easy to blame something other than myself. In the past I have been moving towards taking more responsibility for everything in my life. But one part of me did not do that. When I experience what I consider to be dishonorable behavior from another person towards myself I would allow my mind to dwell because the other persons dishonor seemed like a justifiable reason. Considering I have dishonorable behavior all through-out my family it caused excessive obsession at times. Now that I have stopped I have been able to allow those people to be free in the world to be as terrible as they want because in the end they are no longer standing in front of me. I feel this realization is bringing me closer to accepting the world as it is and understanding that there will always be dishonor to be dealt with, making myself miserable because of that is not logical though. I also decided over the weekend to start a small business J I got my first client today!! WOOT WOOT. This so far has been a big paradigm shift.

The last few days have been interesting. I would say I did good, but it wasn’t pleasant. I am in a rocky relationship that makes it difficult to push through and continue on my path of progression. My tendency to obsess takes a strong hold in close relationships especially. At this time I find it difficult to differentiate between being obsessive and objective. I mean I am not going to dismiss something as obsessive if it is going to cause some kind of negative echo in the future somehow. If I can find an objective reason to dissect any given situation like my OCD does naturally, I shouldn’t dismiss that I should use my gift and make it work for me. Things are never black and white. Mostly they are gray with specks of black and white. Hopefully I will get more focused and thorough naturally as I stumble and get my footing.

Have you ever considered what your reason for being here is? For example... I chose to incarnate here because I am testing myself to grow from many emotional problems caused by damaging relationships. I have always had this moralistic view about everything. I assume this is because I came here with a code to always be a light shining in a sea of darkness. I don't know if I help anyone as I am nobody special in any way. But I do know this is my life purpose based on my spiritual drive when I look back at my early childhood. That reason right there is my purpose and I don't waver in my intentions here any longer now that I have clearly identified my life purpose. The rest of my time is playing with consciousness and learning about the world around me with a childlike curiosity.

I can relate to this. I have recently realized that I have obsessive thoughts that cloud my mental clarity so I have been refusing to engage in obsessive thoughts beyond 5 minutes or so. I notice the intensity of various thoughts and emotions have become almost nothing now. I too have difficulty with time passing. It seems to make me very anxious. I have to track everything in order to feel grounded. I keep track of everything important to me which gives my mind space to just not worry so much. I even track how much food I have left of a meal because in the past I obsessed about everything from shopping for food to cooking and cleaning. I realized after thinking about this obsessive thought tendency that certain fears were the reason for my issue with time passing. Because of this organization I have started to genuinely enjoy cooking now.

The last day has been much better. My theory that the moon may have somehow affected my balance is starting to look more interesting. My garden is coming along and so are my house projects. Yesterday I had a lot of resistance. I really wanted to obsess about the fact that I relaxed a few days. My mind is set up to not allow myself to rest sometimes which I can see why that would destroy my ability to push forward in the future. Taking care of myself should be a priority. As of this morning I feel sluggish spiritually. I am remaining aware of my last adventure into watching my consciousness. I feel the cycle has begun again. This is the upswing toward the growth and spring like creative stage. My favorite stage The last few days I felt as if in a winter stage.

The tendency to obsess is a hard habit to kick. It keeps creeping back slowly with the best camouflage ever. Sometimes I feel exhausted with keeping my awareness to the bare minimum to catch the obsessive infiltration. Other times I feel energetically charged from the clarity in mind that I get when I stay balanced and mentally focused. Its a very interesting polarity that is for sure. My sugar cravings have increased. The stress outlet is moving to sugar since I flushed it out of its den. Another long hard ... Battle? Kind of I guess

In the electric universe theory they theorize there is a background electric charge which is expressed through mass like galaxies and stars. Kind of lines up with the holographic universe. In that theory the energy from the galaxy rains down upon the sun, and then on earth in the form of visible light. There seems to be more at play here though. This change in the sun causes earths atmosphere to cool and the core to heat up. This has been observed by NASA on other planets. Scientists recently realized the melting poles is due to volcanic activity. One other interesting thing is the cosmic rays increase which some scientists say are the things that drive evolution. Cosmic rays mutate DNA. There is a whole lot more but it would take so long to explain. I have always been fascinated with animals, plants, bugs... Their interactions and interdependence. Its all so beautiful. To find such a similar ecosystem between the galaxies our star and earth... It all is so familiar. Its that fractal effect all over again.

I like to study the sun to! I agree I get a very amazing spiritual connection with the sun. I have been learning about how it effects earth and how it may even be expressing energy received from the galaxy we are currently rotating around.

What kind of plants are those heart shaped leaves? I have some invasive vines in Florida they look similar. I also love gardening I just got so much tree cut down in my yard to get more sunlight. I kept everything they cut down to save money on the bid lol I will be burning wood for a while haha

The desire to obsess is much greater than normal in the last day, maybe I am having withdrawls? I allowed myself to sleep in to get some much needed physical rest. My body has been sore and exhausted from the increase in productivity. My Ego took this rest as an opportunity to lobby for control through obsessing again. I noticed it first focused on the “failure” implied due to my sleeping in. Then the ego moved on to the fact that I am tired physically and attempted to get me to obsess about how weak I feel. I decided to take things slow to explore this part of the Ego. Once I started observing the obsessions ended. They continue to pop up sporadically here and there though. Even when I had trouble getting this website to load this caused a spike in obsessing. I have decided that today is going to be one of those days where I just feel run down. I feel the headache coming. I intend to not eat for longer than normal to further trigger the Ego to continue its attempts at obsessing. Seems the obsessions come out most when things are not going as planned. The thing I am noticing about this obsessing. It gives me tunnel vision which only allows me to focus on the problem and my emotions I feel as a result of the problem. It all starts off small and unnoticeable. But that changes quickly and escalates as far as I allow it unconsciously. If allowed free range this tendency to obsess no matter how small grows fast! The problem in allowing the obsession is in the fact that when in heightened emotional state the following problems are caused: Slower response rate to problems, which is basically at a stand-still until the obsession stops. Heightened emotional state, which causes stress on the body further depleting energy. Illogical decision making when the mind is forced to make a decision while in an obsessive state which can lead to regrets and more obsessions later. I realize that today is the full moon. I am going to keep track of the days that I feel less in control of the tunnel vision tendency, I am curious if my ability to keep my awareness could be correlated to the moon phases.

Wow that is awesome!!! Thanks for sharing!!

Oh wow!! I was just doing dark room meditation hahaha

I was that way weeks ago. I spent years studying meditation but it didnt settle that thing that caused me to get anxiety and depression. I only knew what to do once I had them. I recently realized the cause of most of my misery is a mild desire to obsess that intensifies if left unchecked. I made a conscious decision to no longer allow myself to obsess and the inability to focus is almost gone. The whole time I was jumping from one obsessive thought to another. I did meditations to control that through always remaining aware. Its very hard but not impossible. But after discovering the obsessive repetitive cycle that always ended in anxiety and then depression. I haven't had a problem. I dont know if this is similar to what you are experiencing but this information is gold to anyone with this problem. Its easy to implement and easy to understand why its so damaging. Ever since letting that way of being go I have completed so many things I have been procrastinating. I have this strong flow of energy I feel I have tapped into. All from deciding to turn away from any obsessive thoughts. BTW I never take life seriously. Being serious is rigid. Like a dead tree. It breaks under pressure and takes longer to adapt. I am forever trying to find ways not to be serious.

I am also extremely sentimental. I dont feel like its a bad thing. I have a memory box that I keep special things in. I believe my sentimental drive comes from familiarity. The longer a thing is near me the more I love it.

Yesterday was a great day!! I did notice toward the end of the day my consciousness wanted to obsess over my fear of springing back to old ways, that little stumble kept me up a few hours Anyone reading this I have had countless attempts in my life to understand deep seeded emotional pain. None of them fixed the problem as fast as I wanted it to as we all know who have been on this path. So naturally I have an anxiety attached to the hope of success. This obsession creeps up when things are going well. That was the only major attempt at obsessing I had in the past day. Once I grounded myself and kept moving forward that obsession was gone. As a result of that focus. Today was really great. I got everything I wanted to get done and more. I am not tired really, I am that annoying person who walks with a spring in their step haahaha

@Leo Gura When I was really seeking I would say I did 6 hours of meditation once a month for about a year. I was meditating regularly for 1 hour a day during that year. I did have amazing experiences. But I do turn to psychedelics when I am looking for that reservoir to burst.

You do sun gazing in morning and night? I enjoy studying the sun. It is the most magnificent being I have ever seen That is interesting that you do the urine fasting. I heard of that many years ago. I just could never stomach the thought haha I am happy you are able to experience something like that. Maybe one day for me!!