S33K3R

Late entry ** 07/11/18**** The last 24 hours have been more difficult I would say. Like waves of chaos and then calm. This has been the chaos. I cant help but wonder if some kind of environmental effect is factored in here. 07/12/18 Today has been good. The wave seems to have passed. I now feel a light at the end of the tunnel vibe. Or maybe that is the coffee and upcoming Friday talking haha. My ego attempts to obsess but it seems less intent on doing so. I wonder if that is just me being fed up about it? I did go through a few days where I just kind of let whatever happen without fighting so much.

Dont be an employee for that company. Present yourself as a contractor that charges a flat fee just to show up then an hourly fee afterwards. That will make the company value your travel time more.

I understand where you are coming from. I went through that myself. For me smoking helped me face things that were too hard to face when not smoking. Like I would just suppress things and it would turn into severe anger and even a bit of rage. I dont know if that is what is happening with you. It was hard at first because I would wallow in my depression, but it also gave me time to reflect and start to have compassion for myself. Which before I just told myself that I need to get over it and didnt really care about my own pain.

@LiakosN Yes in the past I have had obsessive thoughts about negative relationships in my life. I have a family with not so good relationships. My sister, mother and father. I would obsess about various things they did. Such as my sister destroying our relationship over a little bit of extra work she did for a month. I consider what she did to be petty and it is very easy for my mind to obsess and that will begin to tear me down within I would say about 5 minutes. The longer I think about those things I have no control over the more they cripple my ability to focus on what I can control. It was hard for me to basically abandon my previous hobby of obsessing about others shortcomings but once I realized in real time that it was improving my over-all quality of life. It became easier once I realized the improvements from just changing the way I pay attention to my thoughts. I believe over-all this realization is what the mindfulness meditations are getting at. But for me that was kind of just a shot in the dark not really telling me the goal to aim at. With this it is clear and makes sense.

One thing I found that I was not able to fully get a hold of my depression until I realized something. I was doing the mindful meditations, I was doing the breath work. I would still get depressed. Mostly because I was failing to recognize that between my mindfulness moments which was most of the time. I have been practicing for over ten years. But depression still slipped in because I was obsessing over thoughts I have no control over. I tend to get very focused when I see what I label as negative. I realized that by refusing to participate in thoughts for longer than a few moments that the depression and anxiety cant really build. I have been testing this for weeks now and everything seems to be working great. I even got screwed over by a landscaper on purpose to see if that would trigger depression. Nope I am fully focused and confident. My energy levels are very high because I am no longer fighting my consciousness for awareness anymore. You see I found out that mindfulness is good, but its also exhausting. I am not interested in enlightenment. I am interested in finding a balance I am happy with. This seems to be much closer to my goal than I have ever been. Watch your mind for a day. Or just pay attention when you see that depression creeping in. What thoughts are you having at that time? are you obsessing about them? why? is it logical to do so? Is there something you can do to fix the obsession? If not why obsess? It weakens your awareness to obsess over something you cannot control.

I have gotten much better at not taking life too seriously by refusing to allow thoughts to remain in my focus longer than they need to be. This has changed my outlook from being scatter brained and not confident, to being focused and very confident. Somehow my tendency to obsess over things that dont matter blanket the important things and make me unsure of my position due to lack of awareness. This change has been a significant step for me.

Today has been a good day. The tendency to obsess has had an observable reduction. I have seen my mind attempt to obsess about that tree trimmer I paid LoL he did exactly what I thought. Didn’t return so my mind has wanted to obsess about that because it is so morally wrong to break your word in my book. I did learn a lot from this experience though. I can really think much clearer when I dismiss the obsession as what it is. Noise. Now I have been clear minded and able to take actions to fix my situation. LoL he has what is right for people like him coming. I have been able to enjoy my days without much resistance. I can relax without regret and I can transition into getting things done without hesitation. Its like being on vacation from myself almost

So I had a much better weekend. I have been doing much better ever since I realized this micro obsessing was driving my life. I call it micro obsessing because a normal person would not see me as an obsessive person. They would most likely see me as someone who is very thorough and thoughtful but at the same time non obsessive. But in the past that wasn’t true. My mind enjoyed replaying thoughts that put me in a victim role. This weekend I realized that this victim role is very stressful to be in because it has actually made me incapable of being creative and adaptable as I do not trust my instincts when in an emotion/obsessive state. Obsessing dulled my ability to read a given situation free of emotion which created an environment for big mistakes. When big mistakes were made it was easy to blame something other than myself. In the past I have been moving towards taking more responsibility for everything in my life. But one part of me did not do that. When I experience what I consider to be dishonorable behavior from another person towards myself I would allow my mind to dwell because the other persons dishonor seemed like a justifiable reason. Considering I have dishonorable behavior all through-out my family it caused excessive obsession at times. Now that I have stopped I have been able to allow those people to be free in the world to be as terrible as they want because in the end they are no longer standing in front of me. I feel this realization is bringing me closer to accepting the world as it is and understanding that there will always be dishonor to be dealt with, making myself miserable because of that is not logical though. I also decided over the weekend to start a small business J I got my first client today!! WOOT WOOT. This so far has been a big paradigm shift.

The last few days have been interesting. I would say I did good, but it wasn’t pleasant. I am in a rocky relationship that makes it difficult to push through and continue on my path of progression. My tendency to obsess takes a strong hold in close relationships especially. At this time I find it difficult to differentiate between being obsessive and objective. I mean I am not going to dismiss something as obsessive if it is going to cause some kind of negative echo in the future somehow. If I can find an objective reason to dissect any given situation like my OCD does naturally, I shouldn’t dismiss that I should use my gift and make it work for me. Things are never black and white. Mostly they are gray with specks of black and white. Hopefully I will get more focused and thorough naturally as I stumble and get my footing.

Have you ever considered what your reason for being here is? For example... I chose to incarnate here because I am testing myself to grow from many emotional problems caused by damaging relationships. I have always had this moralistic view about everything. I assume this is because I came here with a code to always be a light shining in a sea of darkness. I don't know if I help anyone as I am nobody special in any way. But I do know this is my life purpose based on my spiritual drive when I look back at my early childhood. That reason right there is my purpose and I don't waver in my intentions here any longer now that I have clearly identified my life purpose. The rest of my time is playing with consciousness and learning about the world around me with a childlike curiosity.

I can relate to this. I have recently realized that I have obsessive thoughts that cloud my mental clarity so I have been refusing to engage in obsessive thoughts beyond 5 minutes or so. I notice the intensity of various thoughts and emotions have become almost nothing now. I too have difficulty with time passing. It seems to make me very anxious. I have to track everything in order to feel grounded. I keep track of everything important to me which gives my mind space to just not worry so much. I even track how much food I have left of a meal because in the past I obsessed about everything from shopping for food to cooking and cleaning. I realized after thinking about this obsessive thought tendency that certain fears were the reason for my issue with time passing. Because of this organization I have started to genuinely enjoy cooking now.

The last day has been much better. My theory that the moon may have somehow affected my balance is starting to look more interesting. My garden is coming along and so are my house projects. Yesterday I had a lot of resistance. I really wanted to obsess about the fact that I relaxed a few days. My mind is set up to not allow myself to rest sometimes which I can see why that would destroy my ability to push forward in the future. Taking care of myself should be a priority. As of this morning I feel sluggish spiritually. I am remaining aware of my last adventure into watching my consciousness. I feel the cycle has begun again. This is the upswing toward the growth and spring like creative stage. My favorite stage The last few days I felt as if in a winter stage.

The tendency to obsess is a hard habit to kick. It keeps creeping back slowly with the best camouflage ever. Sometimes I feel exhausted with keeping my awareness to the bare minimum to catch the obsessive infiltration. Other times I feel energetically charged from the clarity in mind that I get when I stay balanced and mentally focused. Its a very interesting polarity that is for sure. My sugar cravings have increased. The stress outlet is moving to sugar since I flushed it out of its den. Another long hard ... Battle? Kind of I guess

In the electric universe theory they theorize there is a background electric charge which is expressed through mass like galaxies and stars. Kind of lines up with the holographic universe. In that theory the energy from the galaxy rains down upon the sun, and then on earth in the form of visible light. There seems to be more at play here though. This change in the sun causes earths atmosphere to cool and the core to heat up. This has been observed by NASA on other planets. Scientists recently realized the melting poles is due to volcanic activity. One other interesting thing is the cosmic rays increase which some scientists say are the things that drive evolution. Cosmic rays mutate DNA. There is a whole lot more but it would take so long to explain. I have always been fascinated with animals, plants, bugs... Their interactions and interdependence. Its all so beautiful. To find such a similar ecosystem between the galaxies our star and earth... It all is so familiar. Its that fractal effect all over again.

I like to study the sun to! I agree I get a very amazing spiritual connection with the sun. I have been learning about how it effects earth and how it may even be expressing energy received from the galaxy we are currently rotating around.