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I have tried getting that effect from dark room meditation. Every time I felt it was time wasted. I would invest the required time if I was retiring to a life of solitude and meditation but I am not.

Thank you!! I really do hope this is the missing piece. I was deeply saddened when my 3 year dive into meditation didnt fix my anxiety/depression tendencies. It did help with my ability to minimize their effect but I have always had this chaos within. I believe this tendency to obsess randomly is the shadow that has largely remained undetected. I am excited to learn of this problem I have as I will never be ignorant to the cause of my own misery again I think. Thank you for reading

I feel you on this one. I too dont open up to people easily. I crave deeper conversations and most people want to talk about such lame things. Being incapable of caring about 95% of conversation topics doesn't help I guess lol Anyways I am telling you this because I was only lonely because I had this belief that who I am is represented by who I am friends with. I no longer identify myself with anyone but myself. I am still learning to be better at this but the frame of my new character is built and I am liking the layout. The loneliness has vanished under my new belief system.

Hey Journal! Today is great! Though I have been watching my breath as much as I can this weekend was rough.... I went to two parties that lasted forever!!! I mean I love being around people but I have a point where my brain just breaks and I can't enjoy socializing anymore. I feel so fried today... I didnt write last week because I decided to go and put up a picket fence in my yard that I plan to turn into a raised garden bed king of thing... It will be cool I will post a pic. But anyways I did that and ended up with a blister from hell on my right hand. For 3 days typing was the devil lol its good now though! To be perfectly honest though I lost my breath since I hurt my hand, I mean I didnt completely stop. But I was living in an entirely unconscious way during those days. It was just a rough time I guess. I need to step it up. I have been trying to figure out my identity my whole life. Its kind of what has driven me to learn all of this random meditation/science stuff. I feel alien among people most of the time. Its like when in conversation I feel so limited by my physical capabilities. I feel like I am running windows 10 on a computer built in 1985 and its just glitching out constantly with the program sending too many inquiries and the hardware cant handle the load. I just need to reset and regroup.

This journal is about furthering my awareness from today moving forward. The journey of my experience, observations, moments of clarity etc. I will be doing one thing from now on. I have in the past not been consistent with meditation for personal reasons. I will change this. I will do my best to meditate at least 20 minutes a day, and throughout the day I will maintain constant awareness through walking meditation techniques I learned from a Buddhist monk. I will convert the technique to every day living and will play a fun game to see how long I can keep my awareness. Day 1 observations 7-8-17 440pm est -I noticed when aware when something goes wrong I feel great joy, excitement, like butterfly's in my stomach. A challenge has arrived the game begins, as I struggled to keep awareness I felt such bliss like being tickled as a child or like the excitement of a rollercoaster ride. -when aware I observe that I simply cannot be anything but genuine as to be selfish or fearful requires ego to move to past or future. When not allowed this genuine is all that is left. For example. My boyfriend is in school and working very hard. He had a moment of weakness and gave up. Normally this would frustrate me because I would fear the outcome of his choice. His grade, how much longer school will take for him etc.... Instead with no ego... I just felt sad for him, his exhaustion, his battle with school. I felt sad for him. He defensively asked me what I was thinking and I told him of my sadness for his situation. He became equally genuine and something good happened. He felt understood even though I couldn't possibly understand. -I lost awareness while installing a ceiling fan. Physical work always seems to be a vulnerable point for my awareness. My ego has much less to overcome to gain control during tasks like this. I am still searching for a solution to losing awareness during complex tasks. I am starting to think that strengthening my focus is the best answer. Ego gained control by convincing me that no appreciation will be given for hard work done. Physical exhaustion and small problems made this easier for ego. The thing that made ego most influential was when ego judged my boyfriend for sitting back and throwing many problems with the situation and contributing no help. Ego put my boyfriend down for him lacking perseverance and creativity and convinced me he holds back my spirituality with the way things like this trigger me. I know there is a lesson in this, I am still trying to figure out what it means to me. I will learn the lesson I always do after this I stopped my awareness yesterday because it was so exhausting. I just started it again today.... I feel like a cat that's been in one too many fights haha I hope this gets easier soon lol for now I notice I am keeping awareness from 5-15 minutes about. One thing I noticed about this constant awareness is I became automated. Doing things that I have been meaning to do. I assume it is because the awareness took the emotional baggage out of the situation. Every time I put something off its like a bit of guilt is attached and ego used this to gain access yet again.

The scientific community really is just a cult. Few people are in the honest pursuit of truth. Truth requires no ego, an indifference to the result. This in science is rare. Science is much like religion, ideas that are obviously true take decades to be considered. For example the electric universe theory or the fact that global warming is not man made but is actually mostly caused by the cycles of the sun. Standing out as different causes the herds of followers to attack. One because humans have a pecking order and being above others is pleasurable in the brain, and two because humans are inherently stupid and lack curiosity in the masses anyways.

@Bebop That is awesome! I forgot how much steel wool lights up when burning! Your long exposure pictures are amazing!! I love that first one especially! I live in Florida and try to go kayaking in the bio-luminescence as much as I can when it is the season. Your photography makes it look so amazing! I cant wait to get photography equipment that can do things like that.

@Dan Arnautu I cant tell you much about how to fix the situation but you should keep an eye on the solar activities. People who suffer from depression and anxiety are very vulnerable when the sun is causing geomagnetic storms on earth. Suicides from what I have seen seem to be during times of geomagnetic storms. Watch suspicious observers on youtube he talks about this somewhat. Then if you are interested he has an app in the app store. It will tell you when the storms are happening that cause emotional instability. This can help you to gauge when to keep in touch with your father more to distract him from the depression that will soon be coming. One more thing.... Appeal to his curiosity. Find what he is passionate about and start showing interest. This will bring you into his inner circle and make him feel like he has you to talk to. Even more adopt his curiosities as your own and be genuinely interested. For my mother she suffers from depression though I dont think she would ever harm herself I always try to inspire her excitement and curiosity towards gardening and sustainable living. She has plenty of things to be miserable about but she has a few things to be happy about too.

Good evening Journal! Today has been great. I have been continuing to learn here and there about consciousness. I find the topic absolutely addictive. Today seemed a bit foggy though I was able to have clarity of focus when I wanted it. As far as keeping my awareness through my breath I did pretty good. I would have been proud of myself with this focus in the beginning but today it felt more like coasting lol One thing I was researching yesterday was the schumann resonance of the earth. I saw that there was a massive spike on 07/29/17 I have started watching the schumann frequency of the earth daily in addition to my monitoring the sun's activities. This spike was extremely powerful and was validated by another monitoring system that also spiked at that same time though not as high. Clearly something happened. The spike was 3 times higher energy than I have ever seen the schumann resonance register. The sun has been very active lately and the sun spot that sent a flare at earth not too long ago is coming around for another go at us. It seems this spot has only strengthened. I am a bit concerned because the last time it was facing us it hit us with an M class flare and this caused some significant thunderstorms to hit my area for like a week. It also caused some chaotic behavior in people. I had people crying on the phone for days. Its sad people dont understand that their emotions might actually be triggered by the bright white light in the sky. I think people would really think twice before they believed an emotion was their own feeling if they knew this. I have also been watching the climate change predictions. NZ had a crazy cold winter. There was massive flooding in China this summer. Thailand, Vietnam, Florida, India, Taiwan, I cant think of any others. All of those places had massive flooding this summer. This is not normal at all. So I will continue to watch the climate as well. One thing I did notice that just the last few days there was a report of a massive cold front hitting into FL a few days ago. This is something that is very unusual. Right now the news can pass this off but I believe next year it may be difficult to pass off like this. One thing I noticed while typing this post was a buzzing/vibrating feeling in my back/abdomen area. It was very noticeable to the point where I thought my chair might have something hitting it. This sensation lasted 2 minutes approximately. If anyone is interested in researching these topics independently here are the research sources I have at this time. I will start posting my references here more often for a personal record and for anyone interested. A lot of my research is based on others efforts (thank you Ben) but the people I watch are directly reporting from news reports and peer reviewed resources. I dont research every news subject but I do research about a quarter of them. I previously posted a youtube video called thunderbolts of the gods on a new thread. I have decided to be selfish and keep my videos posted here to keep track of useful subject matter sorry actualizers. I dont believe many people watched that video so I dont think many are missing out. https://www.heartmath.com/ - this group is a research institute dedicated to bringing meditation and science together. They do various research projects to get down to the data of how meditation works. They are also dabbling in various other pseudosciences that are on the edge of what is considered acceptable to mainstream science. Years of watching suspicious observers on youtube - This guy covers space events and some weather. He used to cover more weather but seems to stick to space events and data these days. 1 year watching Adapt2030 on youtube - This guy covers all of the extreme climate events like flooding, lahars, strange anomalies etc. https://www.heartmath.org/research/global-coherence/gcms-live-data/ (Schumann resonance data) http://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/14/7/770 (an interesting bit about how the heart is linked to the energies of the sun)

@Bebop Wow those pictures are amazing. I cant seem to figure out what light you were taking pictures of? I love long exposure shots they are just amazing. That and time lapse <3 here is some of my blown glass

Good afternoon Journal!! I have continued to work on staying aware with my breath. I posted a video I watched over the weekend called Thunderbolts of the gods. I really enjoyed this video because it gave me some scientific backing for things like astral projection and findings in quantum mechanics stating that two bodies can be in two places at once. I also watched a video (I cant remember the name). But it was great in something it said. It said that the biggest thing holding us back is our own disbelief in ourselves and our abilities to travel, change matter with consciousness. Since I heard this I have been trying really hard to let go of my blinders telling me I can't. It has really opened my consciousness so far. I have been doing this two days but I already feel extremely more intuitive. I also was looking at my phone twice since I began trying to force my consciousness to believe I can do the impossible. I had two moments where I intended to grab my phone and pull up a certain app and my phone responded without being touched by pulling up the app I was going to use. I frequently clear my apps in my history to keep my phone working quickly and one of those times the app actually launched itself. I have tried to do this on demand but no luck so far. I have been feeling a difference in energy since I started increasing my awareness. Consciousness seems to be changing quickly. I can feel how things are going to be changing in my being. Right now I have the feeling I had months before the 2008 economic collapse. I have this feeling that it is coming soon by November maybe. My heart is telling me to prepare for a storm. My awareness is not in fear or anything though, it is excited. Its as if something bad is about to happen and it will change collective consciousness for the better in the long run. Consciousness is excited for this change, but it is also frustrated with how slow time seems to be moving. I am starting to understand the infinite awareness we have I believe as this frustration with limited time is building. I used to say as a child that I hated being alive and wanted to experience the infinite and physical reality was over rated. But now I am enjoying the story. I realize that when not in physical form I am bored, limited, being in this form gives me so much more growth than just existing as a whole. Life truly is precious.

This is the electric universe theory. This is extremely significant because this could explain and show spiritual support for the reason to raise awareness. This is the verge of science meeting spirituality. How amazing a time this is!

@Annetta I get this. I used meditation techniques to control the emotions and my egos reaction to the emotions. I would watch my breath and just do without judgement of self or others. Over time i realized the anxiety is triggered by deep memories of anxiety from childhood. From meditation I saw my anxiety to cook, do dishes, or go grocery shopping was because my family would fight over who will cook, fight over who will do dishes, so anything relating to food became anxiety rooted. After discovering this i discovered a new hobbie. I love to cook! Do as I did when emotion arises just watch the breath in and out do not let a single inhale/exhale pass without your awareness on that breath. Just breathe and move forward acknowledging anxiety but politely excusing the self from engaging the anxiety. As if you are passing through. Your mind will be forced to show you the things that cause the anxiety. You will realize they are silly little things. Think of it this way. We all get messed up from childhood trauma. Children are limited in their ability to comprehend reality. Therefore your running from fears created as a child. Your ego has hidden these fears and dressed them up to be very scary. It only takes a moment of your adult brain to look at the situation again only to realize there was never a monster to begin with. Just a kid afraid of the dark. ? @Jonson There is no quick fix either you put in the effort and change, or don't and coast. Remember what a habit is. A habit is by definition something you are in the habit of doing. Therefore in order to be in the habit of doing something you have to do it. You are in the habit of being flakey with your commitments possibly this is what you are asking? Perhaps you need to learn to never break promises you make yourself? This again requires commitment to change. Learning something new is 10% learning and 90% doing remember this. To many get caught in learning obsessively and somehow believe they are doing something.

Today has been great! I really felt free from some kind of weight the last 4 days or so. I got a lot done and no internal conflicts. I stayed aware most of the day. One thing I realized while staying aware.... I used to do landscaping. I have always had this need to prove I can do it to. Guys were always telling me what I can't do. So I knew someone that made great money doing landscaping and so I took it on for the money and the challenge. I was the best one there. I never realized why. Today I realized that I had mastered meditation before that. I used to spend days in meditation when I had the lifestyle that allowed it. But the reason I was so good at maintaining myself during the really hot days. In long sleeve shirts and pants sweating. It was miserable, but somehow I managed to master my ability to handle it and that was through meditation that I am doing now. I would watch my breath constantly while working. I would never talk, never think, because somehow if I watched my breath I couldnt get exhausted, I couldnt get frustrated or angry. I just worked and I worked hard. Me and 1 guy were able to cut down two pine trees and load that sucker into a 2 ton tree truck in a single day. Two pine trees that were taller than a 2 story house. Not bad I have always been very proud of that moment of my life. I was extremely focused. I was on top of my game and capable of anything. I saved up for a house in 1 year during that time in my life. I really took life by the horns and I laid that bitch down like I owned her haha Anyways this is a last minute update I dont have time for more. I just wanted to make sure to get that in because its fucking awesome. I am hoping I can maintain the clarity that I have had today. I am going to keep digging into consciousness and see what I find. I almost feel like I am mining haha Oh yea!!! One thing I forgot thats kind of small. I heard a womans thoughts that I dont know at all. I talk to people over the phone. She called in and I was getting a particular number from her. The woman stuttered and almost forgot her number. I then heard the first 3 numbers she was going to tell me like 2 seconds before she said it. That was cool C YA

I have noticed my ego is getting very fussy about my attempt to hold my awareness more consistently. I get the feeling that my ego is angry, pouting, throwing a tantrum when it has the energy, and frustrated. My body feels heavy and tired from the internal conflict. It is physically exhausting to continue to stay aware. Recently things in my life took an unexpected turn and I have a fraction of the free time I used to. This accompanied with my ego getting a crash course in enlightenment lol there is some strangeness going on for sure. This chaos should let up in about two weeks lol hopefully then I can regain my composure and assess the progress haha What a game this has turned out to be indeed lol.

Hello Journal, The last few days have been good. I did my best to keep my awareness though I know I could have done better. I believe the solar flare caused some frustration. I found my ego to be much more difficult to manage during the solar flare. I am wondering if this is a thing or what? I will watch closely next opportunity I get. I am still feeling the after effects of the past 4 days or so. I feel exhausted like I have just returned from a vacation where I packed way too many things into a tight space of time. One thing I noticed is my ego seemed awfully ruffled up about a family member I haven't spoken to in years. My sister. We were very close, like twins are I suspect. It was dysfunctional so I stopped interacting with her. I had anger with the split and sometimes it simmers to the surface. I couldn't get her out of my mind for the whole morning today! I think I figured it out possibly. I remember learning a long time ago that we are capable of sensing when someone is thinking about us. The thought that me thinking about her was due to her possibly thinking about me. This immediately stopped the thought of her from entering my mind again. It seemed like some kind of a reward for realizing that an obsessive thought can actually be my intuition telling me something about the person that keeps crossing my mind. I will keep this possibility in mind in the future when persistent thoughts keep pushing through. I am attempting to reach into my psychic abilities more on demand. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction. I was always very intuitive. My life was saved a few times from my intuition. I will list those events here to hopefully encourage my intuition to keep coming around more if possible. First time. I was 9. I was riding in a truck with my uncle and a few other family members. We were out all night working gathering food from bakeries for the pigs on my families farm. It was about 4:30 am. I was exhausted. A voice kept telling me DO NOT FALL ASLEEP ITS DANGEROUS. So I fought sleep with all my strength. I remember starring at the road as my uncle drove just so tired wanting to sleep. Then the bumps on the side of the road started making noise. I looked around in the truck. Everyone was asleep. The voice said GRAB THE WHEEL AND HOLD TIGHT. So I did. and I started turning it to avoid going off of the road. We were in a sharp curve now. I reached over to my uncle and woke him. He jerked violently and freaked out about being asleep. We would have all been in a terrible accident. We were hauling a very heavy trailer full to the top with bakery items. I am positive that it wouldnt have been good. I had no seatbelt as I was kind of squished in to help out. Going 70 MPH I may not have survived that one. Second time. I was 12 and doing what I loved best at that age. Riding horses on my families ranch. They gave me this 3 year old crazy horse and set me free. This horse loved to run, this horse would trot in place instead of standing still. There were no brakes on this guy. I saw no danger for some reason lol So I jumped on this horse and ran him to the air field where planes landed. I ran him like he wanted. We both loved it. Then he veered off of the runway and started darting through brush. Things seemed to be okay so we kept going chasing jack rabbits here and there as they ran for their lives lol while we were running a 8 or 9 foot wide ditch came up fast and I didnt see it till he had his front feet going up in the air. I had no time to prepare. Before I knew it I was flying in the air above this beautiful powerful creature. Something told me to relax and dont panic. I didnt. When we landed I was on the horses neck and he was still running. I had lost 1 of the reigns. The only thing I could do was turn him so I did. I kept turning him till he couldnt run anymore and I was able to grab the other reign. Third time. I was 19. I was angry and going to my favorite place as a child. High in the rocky mountains where I could feel smaller than my problems. I had my dog Sammy off leash and was hiking. As I got higher on my hike this voice started whispering. PUT YOUR DOG ON A LEASH SHE IS GOING TO FALL OFF OF A CLIFF. I resisted this message for about 30 minutes while hiking. Then finally I became annoyed and just put her on a leash, five minutes later I rounded a corner on the trail and became startled as I was all of a sudden unexpectedly on a very high cliff looking down. I became disoriented because of how high it was I started to loose my balance and actually fall toward the cliffs edge which was only a foot away. I had nothing at all to grab, all shrubs were gone and there was nothing between me and over 200 feet of free fall. At the exact moment where I lost my center of gravity and began falling my dog decided to run up the mountain as fast as she could. She pulled me with the leash back toward the cliffs edge and saved my life. RIP Sammy girl <3 I love you with all my heart. Fourth time. I was 24 and driving at around 3 am on a weekend. For 20 minutes this voice kept telling me to get out of the fast lane. This voice would not stop it became so aggravating I actually got angry. In order to stop allowing my mind to obsess about me being in the fast lane I flipped on my blinker and started getting over while in a tight curve going 74 MPH half way through my lane change a deer came up in front of me fast. Someone else had hit it and it was alive trying to stand. It was in the lane I was in moments before. I was still half way in that lane so I had to swerve pretty hard to the right. Because the deer was partially in the lane I was merging into if I hadn't have had that message constantly telling me to move over I may not have survived. I was in a sharp curve on the freeway. I was not wearing my seat belt because I had a death wish for most of my young life. fifth time I was 25 riding a dirt bike for the first time on a very advanced trail in the high mountains of Utah. Bad advise from a friend. While coming back down the trail I hit some gravel and began to slide. It was as if time froze and my vision narrowed down the path to a spot where I would crash. I saw nothing but this spot, A voice said lay the bike down NOW. I did. I was in a daze after the crash. Not sure if I was injured. I sat and waited for my friend to come. When he arrived he pointed out how I almost fell off a cliff on this bike. I got up and below me was a good 200-300 foot drop. We were almost at the top of one of the rocky mountains. I looked around me and there was only one bush. I thought there were many bushes because when my vision narrowed it was as if that was all I could see. Kind of like a kaleidoscope. It turned out that was the only bush on a barren cliff edge and somehow I managed to lay the bike down strait into it with that being my first ride. In the end though I laid the bike down on gravel going about 30 MPH I didnt have a scratch on me. Sixth time. I was driving home through a canyon it was late. All night long deer were jumping in front of me. I saw like 40 deer and about 6 had tried running in front of me. I was driving very slow due to this random event. I have driven this canyon for about 2 years pretty regularly and never seen that many deer since. While finishing up my drive I was on a road that has a 75 MPH average speed for most vehicles. I was doing 45 because of the crazy deer. In the distance I saw a truck coming. I was tired, sleepy, ready to get home and pass out. As this truck approached head on and was about to pass me. Something hit my windshield that sounded like a thrown handful of sand. Right in front of my face. Time again slowed down. I watched as this truck turned into my lane while about 5 feet from my front bumper. This truck was about to hit me head on. Because of the deer and that sand? I was going slow enough to swerve hard to the right to avoid the collision without rolling my car. Because of the sand I was awake enough. I probably would have reacted too late. I literally had to swerve at the exact same moment of this vehicle in order to avoid missing this collision. I again did not have my seatbelt on. This was the end of me not wearing my seatbelt actually. I tried to back track to find out what happened because I could find no reason for the swerve or the sand hitting me. The vehicle sped away as if to avoid being found out. These are only the times I am aware of. I believe the universe has us right where we need to be at all times and that karma future and past are intertwined and time is only our perception of the experience of these things in a linear fashion. I am excited to find out why I am here as someone has worked hard to keep me in this game haha

Hello Journal! Things have been chaotic lately! Awareness has been a bit fuzzy, I am not sure if that is because I have a lot going on or if has something to do with the solar flare that hit earth 3 days ago. I have a side hobby that involves studying the solar wind, earths magnetoshpere, and when earth goes into geomagnetic storm the effects on people around me. I have been focusing a lot since the geomagnetic storm which has caused me to neglect my awareness a bit. As far as the effects of the geomagnetic storm. Things I noticed I will put below for tracking: Linclon Park band member committed suicide right after geomagnetic storm started- Emotional disturbance is heightened during magnetic storms. Anxiety and depression in particular are heightened. My whole works network shut down for about 2 hours- Computer software issues are common during geomagnetic storms. Thunder storms have become extremely electric since the solar flare hit. I live in the lightning capital of the country USA, and the lightning has been insane. People seem very emotional- I talk to people all day long while working and every day I have had people crying and claiming mental illness since the flare hit. People I know have advised they feel excessively emotional and irritated the last few days. As far as my awareness goes I feel It has been a little fuzzy. I have been extremely focused on other things at this time. I am going to regroup and start fresh this weekend. This weekend I will be trying to keep my awareness constantly. I will also be meditating more to recenter myself since things have been hazy.

Today has been great! I have swung back into maintaining awareness more consistently since yesterday. One thing I notice while maintaining awareness is the clarity. Like...? I remember things that mean a lot to me, for example.. Things that I have really deep down been wanting to do. Things that kind of bring my spirit back to life. I have been cooking more. I find it to be so much fun!!! I had no idea I would love cooking. I actually used to hate it. Let me elaborate on this cooking a little more. It turned out that I had some shadow work to do with cooking lol. You see I hated cooking, I hated eating (never anorexic), I hated washing dishes. Anything to do with cooking I hated. During this time increasing my awareness I have noticed very small things. One of those things is I realized why I hated these things. I hated them because all through my childhood cooking and doing dishes was always a big fight. My whole family would just go nuts fighting about who would cook and who would do dishes. We always cooked the same things too. It was very toxic and that was where the anxieties started. I have fixed a lot of my major anxieties but some of these microscopic issues still remain. This increased awareness has really elevated my ability to realize why I move away from certain things. I now love cooking. I love baking. I love the idea of food being such a loving gift that makes everyone feel so good. This paradigm was invisible to me because of my previous experiences in childhood. Because of this realization I have taken this awareness further and asked myself what else I don't particularly like doing. Another realization I have from this is money. I hate dealing with money, managing it, paying bills etc. I dont hate earning it I just hate banks and companies that have IOU's. I did the same thing. Thought about my relationship with money as a child. My mother was poor with us, on the streets. I watched my mother stress about money my whole childhood since I was 8. I internalized this stress and developed anxieties. This awareness has illuminated my mind so much I am really excited to apply this to more in my life. I am waiting for another thing to come up like this. So again as far as today goes awareness has been easy to maintain, I always remember my breath when any kind of stress arises. This always dismisses the stress and centers my spirit. I feel very comforted like a child holding a security blanket. One thing I notice... Its a small thought but it exists. I am a little sad my shadow work is so complete. I miss discovering myself and having those amazing AHHHAAA moments. Those were very special to me and deep down I am hoping that there is something more to do. I guess I can branch out and start helping others have their moments. This is almost just as exciting for me..... Oh months of meditating with Osho in the dark how I miss you.

Today has been very busy. I have had to meditate a lot to keep my focus strait. Having a headache and not getting enough sleep is definitely a challenging combination. So far I have handled it like a champ my awareness has been heightened because of this though. I have basically been watching my breath constantly today with the occasional thought floating by. I was thinking about what I said yesterday about not trying to do this on the weekends so much, I changed my mind because of today actually. Today has been physically draining but mentally and spiritually its pretty easy. Watching my breath is becoming a "go to" kind of thing when I get stressed. Because of this I am not going to do regress because I think it will cause me to slow down my progression. I think my next challenge is to be able to be around others and interact with others while watching my breath at the same time. When around others I feel like there is a lot of noise.... Not sound noise. Something else, almost like a static distracting energy kind of thing. I think this is what creates the trouble of focusing around others. I will practice this while working with clients since I talk to people at work Sincerely exhausted but excited!

The weekend has been tough to keep my awareness. I have basically reverted back to my old habbit but better because of the extra focus and practice. I think I'm not going to worry too much about my improvement on the weekends I will just use the methods in moments of need or play. One thing that was really cool! I went to the dog park and received repetetive intuitive messages to talk to this woman there. The me messages included queues telling me what topics to bring up. Every time I followed the messages it turned out this woman had the exact same interests! I ended up making a new kayaking friend from listening to the universe the intuitive messages are getting louder. It's a subtle change but I'm sure it will keep getting better im excited to see what's next!!!

Today has been good. It is my first weekend trying to maintain awareness. I don't think I did as good as I would like, but I did okay. For me it is difficult because every weekend I drink with friends socially and this can really bring awareness down. I did spend about an hour paddling around a lake taking in the amazing beauty of the water, the breeze, the moment where the clouds look so damn perfect. Such beauty in this world. Such beauty. I wish I could write more. Much love ?

Ask yourself. Do you forgive for them or you? Forgiving for them that will be hard. Lots of emotional karma entanglement that's a lot of crap to sort out for one person way to much time for the crap you have already delt with. Or do you forgive for yourself. Because holding onto hate is uncomfortable, painful and it really keeps that enemy close. Because you will draw their energy/consciousness with your obsessive thoughts. I choose to forgive for myself. It feels great. Anyone that doesn't live up to an accepable honor code I don't rush to be around that's all.

It's kind of sad that what we know isn't common understanding. Seems kind of natural. Walk towards your fears face them. I learned that from cartoons as a kid LoL

The concept of impossible is a product of the mind, not reality. I have been aware for a while now. Today is interesting my ego says yesss it's Friday let's celebrate. But I have been happy this week. No fight with the self at all. When fight comes I immediately remember my breath. Sometimes ego says "why do I have to watch breath. This is all I will ever do" and pouts lol but it's funny. Childlike pouting. I love it. Anyways this awareness has really focused me to my path. I am following it to see where we go! I'm excited. I feel like time has frozen, I am loved, I am right where I should be, connecting to wonder my higher self is becoming increasingly easy. I feel a constant buzzing in my being. Like a static charge feeling. A churning warmth the swirls and envelops. Increased energy in my head region. Pressure of something pushing on my forehead. My eyes feel like they are weighted somehow. Seeing seems different somehow.

@AleksM Yes! I would very much like that thank you!! Edit Alesk I want to say thank you. I have been practicing awareness for 3 days now. I feel very different. Things are amazing. It is so funny that you brought this simple idea to my mind as I did walking meditation with a buddhist monk once and I myself had this idea to remain aware always. But I didnt, ego convinced me it was too hard and I continued to separate meditation from life. Now this changes everything so thank you.