Commodent

Which is essentially the same thing. The only difference is that the judgment is directed at the self instead of other people. I don't mind people being disagreeable if they are true to themselves. I cherish that. But if they do it out of some twisted idea that it will make liked and respected, then I certainly won't respect it. If you're gonna go through all the discomfort of being disagreeable, at least make it worth it to YOU. Fighting without anything to fight for is wasted energy. It is in fact a quite weird thing to observe, seeing people act all disagreeable and "macho" from a place of people-pleasing and powerlessness. As if that in and of itself is what will make people respect them. Point being, be as disagreeable as you want, but make it worth it. If agreeableness really is a problem to you, I'd figure there is something in your life that it's restricting you from doing. Focus on what you want to set free, and not what you want to get rid of. That was a really hard lesson for me to learn, and it's so important. Find a positive motivation. I can relate to that. You lived through the trauma of being shunned by authority figures for expressing your inner truth (like many of us), and now every time you face the opportunity to express yourself you unconsciously relive all that happened to you through implicit memories. Which fires up your amygdala and shuts down your prefrontal cortex. Probably even hindering your ability to think clearly and actually express yourself even if you wanted to (something which I have struggled with a lot). What you're describing is quite common (to varying degrees) and entirely possible to heal from. Be kind with yourself (gently remind yourself what you've been through), and stay mindful. That will take you a long way

Don't be disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable. I know a guy who's like that and I can see straight through that bullshit. What do you want to become less polite FOR? What do you want to be more blunt FOR? Self-expression? Sharing your inner truth? Focus on that instead.

@Viking External (mental) stimuli. Your brain needs time to process what it has experienced throughout the day, and if you're just constantly jumping from one distraction to another it won't really have the opportunity to do that until you put your head on the pillow. And thus insomnia will naturally arise. Going to bed is basically enforced do-nothing meditation.

Do you spend a large portion of the day distracting yourself? Because the brain needs some time to settle down.

Yes. Just do a lot of intellectual activities and your IQ will follow. Pattern recognition abilities, which essentially is what an IQ test measures, can be trained. Also, scientists have known for a long time that the brain is very moldable. See neuroplasticity. Also, there are HUGE benefits to being proficient at sensing and feeling. Don't neglect that.

Get creative Is there something you want to know about the person? E.g. do you share any common values/interests? What are their passions? Or, is there anything about yourself that you want to share? I've noticed some introverted types prefer you to do all the talking. To deal with anxiety, try breathing deeply and act like you have everything you need. It might feel fake, but remember that it always feels fake when we are changing our behavior. In a sense, fear of fakeness is there to mantain homeostasis of the personality.

DaveSuperPowers (Basically MBTI 2.0) Daniel Mackler (Living your authentic self) PewDiePie (Funny, down-to-earth guy. I watch him every night) RealLifeLore (Crazy "what if"-scenarios) Two Minute Papers (The name says it all) 434 (Feel-good spirituality)

It's generally hard to know what to talk about when you have limited information about the other person. So I feel like, that is the best time to ask questions!

How do you know you're on the right path? When should you decide to quit? How does one know a college degree is not for you? Is it just the nature of universities in general to suck out the joy learning? How do we know what is best for us? How do we narrow down the most important things in life? How do we find perfect balance in our lives? At what point should one accept missing information/skills and just get to work? What is the most efficient way to figure out your blind spots? How do you know which parts of yourself to work on? How do you deal with dysfunctional people? Should you call them out on their dysfunctions, particularly when their behavior is inflicting harm to those around them? I would like to know your answer to these questions. I like these.

I remember being in the mindset of always facing my fears head-on, but that didn't really work out for me. I would put myself in situations that I found very scary, which led to overwhelm. I would then feel incapacitated and unable to act rationally and clear-minded, which made the whole thing doomed to fail from the beginning. And thus my fears would be reinforced. The past year or so I have made more the habit of giving a bit more into avoidant feelings, and face my fears when I know I can handle it (despite it being uncomfortable). And now I actually succeed and I'm able to resolve the fears, because I have a calm baseline to fall back onto. Funny thing is, I had to face the fear of giving into avoidant feelings, because I was always pushing myself to the point of overwhelm. Which would sabotage my attempts to resolve my fears. Facing my social anxiety head on and always being social didn't really work out (and I did that a lot). Spending LOTS of time in solitude and away from other people, saying no to party invitations etc. is what worked for me, weirdly enough. After some time, it's almost as if I "forgot" the anxiety. I don't really want to get in an argument or dismiss OPs approach. He's doing good. But I wish I had known back then that avoiding things is okay. Everyone keeps saying you gotta push through your fears all the time and just go, go, go. But chances are you're just gonna get re-traumatized if you push yourself to the point of overwhelm and never give yourself some space to calm down in your day-to-day life.

Sometimes when I'm suffering badly I give into the suffering until it gets really intense, until I'm reaching a breaking point. And then I just let it break. I think sends a really powerful message to the subconscious and can elicit some very deep change. Like, oftentimes there is a certain urge to think or act in ways you know will probably make you feel really bad. But we never really go there fully because we're afraid to test the depths of its waters. But I think this is preventing us from really seeing it and becoming fully conscious of it. For example, thinking neurotically about how much your life sucks, and instead of resisting you choose to do it even MORE intensely. Or feeling really stressed and then you just fuel it even more to the point where you become SUPER stressed. If you feed it enough energy the structure will inevitably collapse, and you will become aware of its fleeting nature.

@Pouya Yeah, who is watching what is going on? Does it have an understanding of the whole? Also, can it talk?

@Smurfinstein Why not both?

I don't really have a good answer to your question, but I just wanted to point out that this can often be enough. That is, listening to podcasts, audiobooks, reading books etc. of people that inspire you. Over time their way of thinking will grow onto you.

To me it sounds like you are depriving yourself of solitude, which is absolutely essential to mental health. You don't even have to train to be more aware, you can just stop consuming all the time. That alone will give you tremendous benefits. You might want to read "Digital Minimalism" by Cal Newport.

Great post. Thank you for sharing

IMO two egos are better than one. By realizing that you're kinda beating the ego at its own game. There are probably even more parts of you that you are not aware of, which is really the case for everybody. We all like to believe we are one coherent whole, but there are usually several conflicting parts fighting against each other. See IFS.

Yesterday I was listening to some folk metal, and I felt inspired to draw a viking. So I sat down, drew a cartoonish-looking viking and considered myself done pretty quickly. I really enjoy the idea of unfolding myself creatively, but whenever I sit down to actually draw it feels really uncomfortable. It's like I'm forced to face my perfectionism. That is no excuse however. I'm gonna keep doing it and just face it. @Inliytened1 Yes, I definitely want the freedom to not do these things. It feels like a form of addiction. Another thing, I have tried very hard to still the mind before, and I kept doing it for maybe well over a year (through mindfulness). But it felt very forceful and it did not leave me feeling any good at all. Although I had suppressed the verbal thoughts I was still very much thinking under the surface. Nothing had really changed. So if I'm going to still the mind I want it to be an organic thing. I don't want to fight with myself anymore. So maybe I can find some enjoyable activity that will induce this stillness of mind. Drawing seems like a good candidate. Thank you for your post, by the way. I liked it. @Thewritersunion I'm curious about everything related to my life. Insights give me pleasure, because I know that I'm growing. The curious thing is that when I have become able to help myself through seeings things more clearly, I've begun feeling a rising urge to extend a helping hand to others. To people who might be in a similar situation that I were. That's something I also want to do, to write a book or something. Maybe even become a therapist.

I had this insight a couple of days ago after watching "How Fear Works" part 1, and I figured someone in here might relate so I'm going to share it. I was walking my dog, reflecting like I usually do, and I came up with the thought of monitoring my micro-fears like Leo had suggested. I did that for a while, and then I put my attention on the activity that I was doing in the moment, which was reflecting. Don't get me wrong, I find it a rather pleasant activity, but I do it all. the. time. That is, unless I'm gathering new info. So I started wondering why I'm never really taking a break from it. Why am I so addicted to thinking and generating new insights? And then it hit me. I have a strong fear of being surpassed intellectually. It's very real. I can even recall abandoning certain ideas for the sole reason of them becoming mainstream. I feel very calm and relaxed when I'm reflecting, and I enjoy the places where it takes me. I feel like I'm growing. But when I stop doing it, the fear hits. If I still the mind, I will not grow. And what will eventually happen when my understanding is not growing? People will surpass me intellectually. People will see things clearer than I do. And thus, my value in the world will diminish. I will have nothing to show for. I will become boring. Dull. Unineresting. No value. And most frighteningly, I will be stuck at the place where I'm at now. No new insights, no growth. Just ... nothing. I feel good about sharing this with you. I feel like it might help some people. I feel valuable. But I would not have been able to share this with you hadn't it been for reflection. I would not have been where I am today without it, not even close. That's what makes it so hard. Because the rewards of reflection are so obvious. For each new insight, I feel like I'm growing and seeing things more clearly. So I feel like I can never get enough. The hunger is insatiable. But at the same time, there's this fear of not doing it. And that makes me wonder what lies on the other side. It could be growth, or it could be stagnation. It seems like I just have to take the plunge in order to find out.

You also have the problem that the psychiatric profession tends to attract a lot of unhealthy people. You might want to watch this video:

@Aeris I've been wanting to get into art for a long time I feel like these are the things all this info gathering and reflection is distracting me from doing. Other things I would also enjoy, like art.

An that's the tricky thing. I feel like reflection helps me see things like that. That I might need to become more empathic or a better listener. And I feel addicted to that growth of seeing things more clearly. In my case, it is. But when I stop doing it, fear hits. Why do I want to stop doing it when it's such a positive activity, one might ask? I feel like I can sense an unbalance, like @studentofthegame says. It's limiting my ability to live and enjoy life fully. More on that. Yes! I'm constantly gathering new information, organizing it in my mind. But I never actually do anything, besides schoolwork. I have like a thousand things I want to do, but I never actually get started. I guess I might be afraid of committing to the wrong thing. Which makes me feel like I need to think and reflect more. As you said, contemplation and journaling is definitely something I need in my life, but I might be overdoing it. Thanks for the insight I am curious about this "infinite intelligence" people are talking about. I don't quite understand it, and I feel like I'm quite far from realizing it. Or maybe I do understand it, and I'm just making it grander than it really is. It's not the first time that I have been seeking something that I already have. It sounds intriguing at least, that's for sure. Haha YES! Never enough! The intellectual pursuit really set in in the start of my teens when chronic depression kicked in and my humor faded away. So I began desperately seeking for a solution in order to find back my humor and light-heartedness, the only thing really that attracted people to me up to that point. So my entire teens I was desperately pursuing knowledge, like my survival depended on it, in the hope that I would find a solution that would help me return back to my funny, lighthearted old self that was loved and accepted. But during this entire pursuit I was really just running away from my depression and the fear of the losing my identity as a funny and socially accepted person. I was not really facing the real issue at hand, although I felt like it. The solution always remained far away in the distance. Now, I have healed lots of my traumas and I feel like I'm at a much better place. Which has got me hooked, to the point where personal growth has become all-consuming. So I guess it's more an identity of always growing, wherein the intellectual identity seems tightly interconnected. So insights won't help me get in touch with my true essence? More insights really won't help me get there quicker? That sounds very counter-intuitive, because I feel like what I'm doing is literally shedding away my delusions. What you say about surrendering meaning resonates a lot with me, so I will reflect more on that. Living a boring, stagnant, meaningless life sounds absolutely terrifying. I might be really bad at showing it, but I really appreciate the work you're doing. Thanks for all the work you're doing in helping us move forward. @Bas Yes, that is exactly what it is! A more "elevated" form of ratrace. It's a very sneaky thing indeed, distracting us from what we have right here, right now. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it's good to know one is not alone.

Yes, I read most of it a couple of years ago and I didn't like it at all. Very shallow.

Isn't your resistance towards dualism equally dysfunctional then? You are the one dividing thinking patterns into "good" and "bad", and you are the one projecting onto him a problem that might not even be there.

Yes, your view on gay men will probably change upon resolving this trauma. I remember when I was younger and watching porn, I would always be disgusted by the sight of a penis. To the point where I would only watch lesbian or solo girl porn. But in the past year or so upon healing lots of my traumas, I have become much, much more comfortable with male sexuality. Now I can actually look at classical statues of nude men and marvel their beauty. Sometimes, I can even feel tinges of attraction towards really attractive men. So it is definitely something that can change. Now, I cannot remember having ever been exposed to any sexual trauma, but I know for a fact that my mother endured sexual abuse as a child and was afraid of men during my upbringing. So there's probably some transgenerational trauma involved.