jwkspeck

Meaning/meaninglessness is still a duality. Bringing meaninglessness into the world of meaning (language, philosophy--whatever you want to call what you are doing here) is an absurdity. You aren't seeing how you're attaching meaning to your current state of experience.

I've become hyper-tuned into my intuition, lately. In a scary way. It feels like I've abandoned rationality. I can do logic, although my abilities aren't so strong (and never have been.) Is this just ego-fear? Should I force myself to be more logical? Should I be ok with this feeling of freedom, like I'm becoming empty and God is my leader? I don't need answers, just advice. I'm both terrified and excited for the terror. It's quite surreal, and I'm unsure if my passion for this surrealism is misplaced. Can I transcend logic without itself? I feel like the answer is obvious, but some discussion will really be helpful. Do I dive into the deep end without a back-up plan? Is this only a danger to me because I want to live? Should I let go of my attachment to survival? I just want comfort in discomfort. But there's still a nagging voice yelling back away from the cliff! Can someone give me a reason to give up reason?

@deci belle I appreciate that. Keep going and pay attention, huh? @Leo Gura What might be the first refuge of a strong mind? Must all refuge be destroyed before it might be found? Should the mind turned against and into itself look only for truth and beauty without repose or hindrance? The ride's just only started and I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea if I give myself permission, or refuse firstly all idea.

I'm not discontent with the fear, I'm discontent with what it means. I want to give up the anchor--but I'm not sure giving up on giving up is the right choice, because it has no rationale and I may not give it one without deceiving myself (and so I may not). You did give me a valuable insight. The unknown keeps returning, and with a new mask each time. Thank you!

@Serotoninluv What stops this from also being the most beautiful realization? Nothing is out of place.

I think you're confused. The ego is the thing being hurt - it's not that it sometimes gets inside you, it's that you ARE the ego! Sacrificing short-term goals for the long-term goal is emotionally challenging. I'm not too sure what you mean by sleeping with your ego, but here's what you can do: sit down and write down your (1) obligations and (2) passions. By obligations I mean every habit that is necessary for you to live your lifestyle, and by passions I mean every habit that is necessary for you to live your purpose. Then, prioritize your obligations, and prioritize your passions. The ones at the bottom are the ones you will sacrifice. If you are struggling to do this, consider your attachment. Contemplate why it is so emotionally difficult.

What is your lifestyle like? What kind of activities do you do? And how does your diet, sleep schedule and exercise look? Have you tried journaling before?

To be truly connected to other people as well as open to (and conscious of) your own emotions probably does necessitate empathy. If you feel connected to others, it's because you have a better sense of the truth that there is no absolute distinction between yourself and others--the reality is you are one and the same. If you can become actually conscious of this, not just conceptually, you may find you are either (a) sympathetic, and then empathetic, or (b) emotionally repressed. If you care about your own well-being, and you are the same as everyone else, you would care about everyone else's well-being. However, I don't want to make it seem so black and white, and I won't pretend to understand you from this one post. I have been very agreeable and sympathetic over the course of my life, and consciousness work has bloomed my empathy into deep compassion, but has also let me be more disagreeable when I judge it worthwhile to do so. It seems I come from a very different direction than you do, so do be skeptical of my words.

Detach being from doing. Literally do nothing. Just be, consciously. I find it works best in conjunction with another practice like concentration or mindfulness so that there's a sort of contraction and release, akin to molding a mound of clay with your hands; sharpening the mind through disciplined direction, and then letting go to see how it has changed.

I find this interesting so I'd like to follow up a bit. Labeling these different centres (or repeating some cycle of labels onto different centres) is much different from being conscious of them. Do you find this to be the case? Observing negative thoughts and behaviours does two things: it labels a thought or behaviour as negative (this is critical judgment, a desire for the case of the matter to be otherwise) as well as reinforces your subconscious goal as these thoughts and behaviours (unwittingly). If you are labeling it negative, it won't help you to dwell on them. If you are going to ruminate, ruminate on a question or something positive, creative. How do you define "I" here? Is it an experience? A thought, or some sensation? Are you, the observer, an experience?

The advantage of Gurdjieff's system is that it is confusing, but the disadvantage is that is not direct. Pushing through and taking action whilst being conscious of your confusion, deliberately letting yourself be confused, is an emotionally difficult and rewarding path, akin to Zen Buddhist koans. I'm not too well read on his work, how much does he stress detachment? You said it yourself, but maybe I can help clarify: it is an inevitable process; "I dropped down to a lower level of consciousness" is attachment to a state - remain the observer of all experience, even when it is emotionally difficult or a thought says you should, want or need otherwise; understand important distinctions in your own experience; and my suggestion would be to really, deeply contemplate in length what (1) "I", (2) "self", (3) "ego", (4) "consciousness", (5) "being" and (6) "illusion" actually are in your direct conscious experience. You may have a robust set of theory, but now a deconstructive application is necessary. Really internalize the fact that the map is not the territory.

ALD-52, 100mcg. ALD-52 is a synthetic LSD analogue (a legally purchased research chemical), "1-acetyl-lysergic acid diethylamide". This is a (disorganized) rewriting of certain insights I had during my trip. It’s a little long but written simply. This trip was super confusing and emotionally laborious. Very profound but quite clear. My work here has actually just begun. I've embraced and redoubled my efforts. I’ve only glimpsed a small facet of the Truth. My inquiry is deeper, and I see greater value in meditation and contemplation. It's become apparent that my pursuit of Truth and of purpose is inextricable. My life and my path is recontextualized in whole. What a mindfuck. --- At the end, I realized this trip began when I woke up, not when I ingested the substance. In a surreal way, a certain thought began in the morning, disappeared for the duration, then reappeared and completed itself once I'd come down and finished writing things out. Tab placed sublingual at 2PM, swallowed with water 20~ minutes later. I contemplate mindfully lying down and feel effects just before 3PM. Inquiry into my existential nature. A vision, with my eyes closed: conscious of my body, my body turns to stone, quite literally. Light overwhelms me and I crumble, disperse into nothing, everything, infinity, God. This is brief, for I realize this is mind, and so the body IS mind. All form is mind. Mind is infinite, formless. The body IS form, all form is one. The body exists in the mind, the mind exists in the body. This is God. Every word is infinite and one part of infinity. I am literally everything AS IT IS. “I want” is ego. Manipulation is inauthentic. To want something other than what exists is devilry. The devil is illusion attached to illusion attached to illusion. The light of awareness is a spiritual fire that burns away this illusion. I can FEEL ego in the body. All tension and pain comes from denial of reality. ALL pain is self-inflicted. Change is inevitable - everything IS change. To WANT or NEED change causes suffering. The ego’s beliefs make it think that things aren’t perfect - but things must be perfect because they exist! Through great suffering comes Truth. Hope and faith in change is not desire or need. Visions manifest on their own, without a self required to manifest them. A human is both a robot for creation, yet has a rich psychological background and life. Culture, language, history, evolution and beliefs all tie in with everything else. Nothing is apart. Juxtaposition and consciousness play key roles in my life purpose. Culture doesn't want to wake the fuck up, so getting my foot in the door is the challenge to focus on. Art and education are vital, as well as relationships and compassion. People are suffering because they want things to be otherwise, and escape begets escape. Purification requires faith. Dogma is always an obstacle. Physiology and health are so important. Em-BODY-ment. I’ve been very unconscious to aspects of my being. I’ve projected emotional repression so much and have only come to understand I’m the repressed one. This took quite a while to come to light, I was arrogant enough to think I had my emotions figured out. Just the opposite. I’ve been afraid to get help. I can be strategic about it. There’s no need to be paralyzed. Fear and confusion are emotionally laborious. I’ve REALLY learned the value of emotional labour. Emotional healing and integration of my shadow will be a bigger part of my work now. There has been much destruction through addiction and neglect. There is much to renew. My values and strengths have changed drastically. My purpose is quite a bit clearer, but still murky. I am both incredibly passionate about my purpose yet feel trepidation towards the amount of emotional labour I will be putting in. I feel much more passionate about being creative and generating value. I understand I haven't taken enough action, but I won't rush myself here. Pay attention to judgment. I am LITERALLY everything. Unconditional love is infinite. Neglect, unhealth and unconsciousness is ego. And yet ego as it is is perfect. Beliefs are SO much more powerful than I thought. Mind and body are interwoven physically, metaphysically, literally. Body is form, all form is mind. Mind is existence, nothingness. ONE. Learning is so important. Evolution and correction is a cycle. Education can NOT be packaged and shipped. It is an individual process. This is huge for my purpose. Learning about the “I” is very important - psychology as a personal endeavour is much more authentic than academic psychology. Much more difficult. Delusion is so so so so easy. Vigilance and INWARD skepticism is necessary. I may be deceiving myself with this trip, but I continue to question my beliefs and stay grounded. Inquiry is the difficult part. Embodiment is even more difficult. There is no other frame of reference. EVERY perspective has only the one frame of reference! Conceptual distinctions: higher “I” is everything, nothing, God, infinite lower “I” is me, ego, self, illusion even though it’s all illusion it’s all a paradox, existence is a paradox but it is EXISTENCE, it is perfect It’s all pure magic. Empiricism is so important. Emotional labour is a process. High quality is the ideal, not quantity. “I am therefore I am” is just an appearance, a form! Everything is appearance. Every ground is just a surface; every surface its own ground. Sexuality and emotionality go hand-in-hand. Self-honesty is key. I need to be able to express clearly to myself to express to others. Nothing is anywhere and comes from nowhere. This is a just a game. It’s a self-assessment without grading or a prize. It’s infinite play. Life is both deadly serious, yet not serious whatsoever. Culture is largely seductive and unconscious. Infusing consciousness into culture is so emotionally laborious due to this. There are so many traps and wrong turns and reasons not to do this work. Existence is recursive and empty. Embodying Truth is difficult, maybe impossible in my lifetime, but it is my mission. Academia is unconscious, which is so backwards. Education ought to be highly conscious. We ought to be learning about ourselves and existence across every field. Specialization does not take a back seat, but actually becomes deeper this way. Culture is an AWFUL teacher. Massive action, spending time finding high quality teachers, and the creation of massive value is where the sweetest fruits lie. I.e. hard choices, easy life. “Consciousness” is infinity experiencing itself, without substance. Everything depends on perspective. To be “human” is to be relatable, in differing degrees. The answer to “why?” is obvious. Psychology is not generalizable. I thought my suffering was a seeking for purpose - really it was an inability to pay the cost of admission. I am the devil that does not accept reality. Mind tries to map things onto itself. Self forget that the map is not the territory. And once the map becomes the territory, more maps are made onto that, so on and so forth. “Others thoughts” and perspectives are incredibly confusing. Money is interesting to contemplate. My beliefs are pretty backward. Another vision: conscious of my body, deciding I want otherwise, my being is restricted, tense, boxed in and fractured. I was very mindful of this, and letting go of my desire to be otherwise revealed a relaxing and dissipation of this boxing-in. I am simultaneously no form, all form, and a subset of forms. I am far far far from enlightened, but by God am I motivated. Yes, I am somewhat deluded, but that’s kind of the default position, that’s the whole point of this work.

@LRyan Be careful about getting stuck in ideology. If this is truly profound, wouldn't you want to use this as motivation to do your own work, to realize these things very deeply in your own way? Language is so tricky. It's much easier to take this on at face value as ideals rather than contemplate and become conscious of these things.

@SOUL I mean it much more literally than you are considering. All your pain is inflicted onto you by you, in multiple ways, whether it comes from internal or external abuse, a broken leg, a house fire, or someone repeatedly stabbing you in the abdomen. The pain is self-inflicted, even if the abuse is not "self-inflicted" (it is, in a different sense), and the suffering results from resisting the pain - which is more than natural. And I am not saying realization begets embodiment. This is something that you can become conscious of. The difficulty is that you hold your ideas about what "pain" and "self" are as self-evident and clear-cut, rational and non-contradictory (because otherwise you would be contemplating this and digesting, not asking for answers, more language to stomach). But it's too obvious to be able to actually talk about it. No matter how similar, every perspective is so radically different from my own for the very fact that it is NOT my own, and so I can't actually work the comprehension for you. I seriously wish I could. These words won't reveal this to you, you need to deeply contemplate these things, these concepts and experiences. What is pain? What is suffering? What is self? Your job is to work out your understanding, as a process, with vigilance. Be honest with the beliefs you hold and question very deeply what the truth really is. And again and again and again and again, ad infinitum, for every aspect of your life.

Nothing is forbidden. That is very rigid, a blue way of thinking. The stages are not denoting literal actions, but rather the motivations and results of actions. You can always evolve socially and sexually, and so on. It's not like you'll just be in a stage and then move on - different areas of your psychology and your culture are in different stages. There is way more nuance here than you're giving credit. Even within dating and pick-up many aspects of your psychology come into play; there isn't just one stage having its influence on you and your interactions, so to speak. This is a very flexible model, don't make it out to be so black and white. And remember that you have to go through every stage!

@Power Everything you observe is impermanent, shifting and changing every moment. Were you born? Will you die? If so, you assume you are a constant from birth to death, a single thing, a self for the period of your life. If you are the constant from birth to death, how can you be the thing you observe? What thing being observed is constant? Every identity you have has not been a constant through your life - but you need to prove this to yourself. Look closely, then look closer.

Note I'm not saying every perspective understands truth. I'm saying they're valid, they are part of the big picture. I'm curious why you think science and spirituality are competing and spirituality is struggling. I'd like to read your explanation of why they would be invalid, and I'm also interested in why you think I'm wrong in "believing" Leo's video. Do you think you can get to absolute truth through thought?

Epistemology, skepticism and understanding paradigms is huge. Rationalist paradigms are different from spiritual paradigms, but every perspective is valid. Don't forget all language is dualistic, it's all relative. And also don't forget that a lot of what you'll be learning might not be empirical, so continue your own contemplation to find reconciliation. The hand pointing to truth is only one part of Truth.

I think there's a distinction between holding a position and expressing an opinion. Both are based on your beliefs, but a position is always a defensive one, whereas an opinion can be held lightly with a big helping of skepticism and radical open mindedness.

If you are more mature than some standard of maturity in relation to age, you may be "wiser than your years" - but the problem is that every perspective has a different standard of maturity. To live "older than your age", do personal development. If you are taking the self-actualization path seriously and actually doing work, you are already going where you (really) want to go.

I like this analogy of a hose and a bucket. You can increase your reading speed as much as you want (the size of the hose) but if you don't develop and practice your memorization and visualization skills (size of the bucket) you won't comprehend the text. For professions and tasks that require reading a lot of text, creating good chunking hierarchies and quieting your sub-vocalization can be incredibly useful for increasing efficiency. For actually learning something life changing and practical, a slower pace can be important. Pre-reading and skimming is always a good idea, but intentionally slowing down, being more mindful and contemplating while reading is essential.

I do suggest you take a break from psychedelics if they are only increasing your confusion. Focus on meditation and contemplation. Remember that all of language is conceptual. It's difficult, but even your assumptions, your most deeply rooted beliefs, are conceptual. Definitely continue searching your direct conscious experience for the truth of what you are. Remain both grounded and open. This work is not supposed to be easy. Use and respect psychedelics for the incredible tools that they are, but don't forget to do the work outside of those experiences.

You are the ego. You are an illusion. Perhaps you believe the ego is only a part of you - but how does that work? What are you, in your direct conscious experience? Of course your agenda is self-survival. This "I" that wants to rest is what will keep you from finding out what reality actually is. Realize that sanity and insanity are both just concepts. If you want to discover truth, you will have to have an insight into your true nature, what you really are - and understand that "normal" is just another consensus concept. Can you try to see how everything in your experience is weird, no matter how acclimated you are to your environment?

@YaNanNallari But you will be less effective at 2 compared to 1.

Murder being "wrong" is probably a belief stemming from the ego's desire for self-survival. Does a gazelle see a lion as evil? If you're conscious, you quite likely won't be killing people. Being okay with murder should be lumped in with being okay with everything - accepting reality as it is and as it should be, including murder, rape, genocide, so on. Having a judgement about murder, or beliefs about how we should behave is an unconscious mechanism to keep unconscious humans from being malevolent. But rules and laws are clearly not even close to being as effective as being a conscious human - they make us neurotic, and more often than not cause us to repress thoughts, desires and emotions that we will be unable to deal with when they arise. I doubt you're okay with murdering people. You don't need a law or a religion or a parent to tell you that you will create suffering for yourself by making another suffer. We're very empathetic creatures - I can understand very viscerally that what hurts me can really hurt you.