phoenix666

It's so difficult to want to experience something and at the same time to not give a fuck. How do you find the balance between being curious and not caring? @OBEler @Shin

doesn't coffee make you even more stressed? stimulants activate stress response even further and then make you crash again. coffee is a strong stimulant and fast acting. green tea is a bit softer and longer lasting. you could take a thermos bottle filled with tea to work good luck with your improvements!

try replacing coffee with green tea? it worked perfectly for me. (as an italian I was very addicted to espresso I drank 5-6 espressi during the study-periods before my exams) I also discovered matcha powder some weeks ago. It's delicious! and has even more antioxidants than conventional green tea leaves.

@Prabhaker @Leo Gura Thank you very much for the insights and for the advice. This motivates me a lot to even deepen my work. I don't want to run away from it, I actually want to face it. Next time this boredom arises I will look deeper into it, observe when and how it comes and what exactly it is feeling like. Yeah, I became really aware of my addictions lately. I mean, I knew it on a rational level from the theory. But actually feeling it in my bones was new to me. I realized my addiction to thoughts, keeping my mind busy with studying and work. the realization really hit me during my last shroom trip, where I was able to finally let go of all the monkey chatter. I also re-watched the video about the dark sides of meditation and this boredom is probably the ego trying to regain power. the dictator fights back I've been thinking about a solo retreat, specially after the video series on vimeo.. I know it would skyrocket my inner work. it's so difficult to organize with today's busy society, all the social obligations and university. but I will try to organize something the next months. Thank you very much for the help, I feel very motivated and excited about this growth opportunity.

I've been meditating for two years now, (almost) on a daily basis. I already feel some progress. It was extremely difficult for me at the beginning because I am a classic 'thinker'. I was never able to shut down my thoughts and as a teenager I even thought always having a busy mind is a benefit (!). However, it's getting easier to quiet down my monkey mind for a couple of seconds these days. But I noticed a problem: whenever I meditate for a little longer, especially when I go over the 30-40 minutes mark, I find myself getting extremely agitated. I feel such a strong urge to DO something (studying, training, reading, responding to my messages..) and I just feel like I am wasting my time. The strongest emotion that overcomes me then is an extremely deep boredom. Sometimes meditating bores the fucking hell out of me...so strong, that I can't bear it. Does anyone face the same problem? Where does this boredom come from? Is it my addiction to thinking?

you're a nurse? cool then you'll probably be very interested in Dr. Greger's material! Oh, please, don't call me that^^ not yet... couple of years to go.. I wish you good luck on your journey! I am sure that a more plant based diet can make you feel better. I am so disappointed that they give diet and lifestyle so little attention at med school..

Self actualizing can make you very lonely I guess. Leo recently shot a video about this. I lately feel a very strong urge to isolate myself. I've always needed a lot of 'alone-time', but lately it's reaching a whole other level. Even my parents started to ask me why I spend so much time by myself. But they see that I am quite satisfied with my life, so they actually don't worry. they're just curious I guess. Don't let losing some friends stop you from keeping up the good work! It probably means that you're making a lot of progress

I sometimes notice my mind becoming very quiet and calm. In those moments I feel a deep contentment, sometimes there is a hint of fear, but I also feel save at the same time. It's difficult to describe! The moments with no thoughts arising get longer and longer (they are still very short, a couple of seconds). It takes a lot of time and practice. Patience in all things

@No-Thing To have or to be by Erich Fromm just came to my mind. He talks about the necessity of a major shift in society. There is a quote by Albert Schweitzer saying that the shift will only occur when men decide to become thinking men. I think the change has to start from within.

I also heard some bells ringing when I watched Leos video about being neurotic. Just becoming aware of it can already help. Admitting it to yourself is already the first step to become less neurotic I think. Raise your awareness, also in your daily life, not just during meditation. Try to notice it when you're acting neurotic. Maybe write down the specific situations in which you find yourself to be specially neurotic? It sounds so cheesy, but being aware of my own neurotic mind and admitting this to myself already felt liberating.

@No-Thing your question reminds me of this video series I discovered last summer.. it gave me quite a bit to think about..

I don’t even know where to start with all of this. Just the thought of writing down what I went through seems so incredibly ridiculous and meaningless. I do it anyway as a form of contemplation and sorting things out in my messy fucked up head. I took 3g of dried shrooms in a tea. I was very excited and had also a bit of fear in the back of my mind. I tried to run from it, it felt like a very heavy pressure. Like it became physically present. Instead of sweeping it under the rug, I decided to face it rightaway. Then everything became blurry and frantic. I stood up and started walking through the house. It was a very fast paced, possessed and almost maniac type of walking. Circling between the livingroom, the kitchen and my room, aimlessly. I felt like something was running after me and constantly watching me. I repeatedly heard knocking on the door, footsteps on the next floor. I felt observed and the constant urge to check my surroundings. Actually pretty much the definition of paranoid. I was scared to my bones. (Of What? That someone could see me being in such a state of madness? Of never coming back to normal again? What the fuck is normal?) I talked to myself in the mirror: who am I? What is this? What am I doing? Where am I going? Is there somewhere to go? Am I going insane? What is insanity? Am I destined to be insane forever? I found myself asking WHAT THE FUCK? repeatedly. Nothing made sense anymore. Then I felt this very primal fear of being „different“, being labeled as „crazy“. And I felt crushed: does what others think about me still affect me so much? But admitting this extreme fear of being a social outcast, as much as it hurt, as much it felt like I was physically and mentally going insane, was also a heavenly release which made me bend on my knees. I don’t know why, but this bending on my knees seems to be a returning pattern in my trip. I often found myself on my knees, completely overwhelmed. Times crying out my pained soul, times laughing tears of joy. Which by the way merged into one ecstatic feeling. On my highest peaks sadness became joy, pain became sweet, my desperation became security and my deepest fear became absolute bliss. I apologize for my report being frantic and hard to follow logically, but the thought of sorting everything and writing things down in a chronological order just seems so ridiculous to my eyes know. At the beginning of the trip I repeatedly looked at my watch, to check how long I was into it. I suddenly felt like a fucking slave to everything: my social obligations (friends, family), the educational system (my professors, my exams, my university), the society as a whole. I felt like I was choking on my time schedule. Like a pressure to DO things. All the time. This constant DOING and being productive (studying, training, even eating and washing myself) made me feel sick and submitted. Most of all I felt a slave to time itself. How silly! To let my life being dictated from something as ridiculous as a clock! I took my watch off and instantly felt freed up. I realized that I don’t do things for the sake of doing them. But for results. I want something from them, I am completely attached to my results like a baby to its fucking blanket. Just realizing how much of a slave to time, others and my own thoughts I am, made me feel so fucking good that I started rolling around on the pavement like a child. It was a constant cycle between searching, wanting, doing, possessing (so fucking painful!) and letting go, absolution and release (such a never ending bliss!) I constantly wanted to write down what I was feeling. I wanted to take all my realizations (so many! they came flying at me like bullets, hitting me everywhere) and bring them to paper. But I failed again and again to label things. No words came to my mind. Absolutely impossible to describe. Then I realized that my need to label things and thoughts was actually destroying them! Taking the beauty out of the experience. (It felt like I finally understood the SPRACHKRISE/SPRACHSKEPSIS Rainer Maria Rilke, Hugo von Hoffmannsthal, Stephan George and Ludwig Wittgenstein where referring to. Better, I didn’t just understand it, I actually experienced that deep loss of words. Words, words, just words. Language completely failing to comprehend experience and BEING) I actually saw myself asking: you? you want to write those things down? and then laughing my arse off of my sheer stupidity. It was an absolute release. I also realized that I am neurotic and perfectionist. Always on the verge of doing, learning, grabbing, labeling. A constant struggle. I need more of this being, just being. It feels so silly to write it down, it seems pathetic and childish, naiv. Everyone is saying just be, carpe diem, be in the moment, just breathe, let go. But no one really, I mean REALLY IS. (just me rightnow writing this down is destroying the sheer nature of being, I know..) Everything in my mind was twisted. Thoughts became physical. I tried to get somewhere with my rational thinking, struggling with understanding. At one point I struggled with my web of beliefs (made out of „logic“) so much that I couldn’t handle it. I was choking on my oh so precious logic and rationality. It was an immense pain. But then I was on the verge…I let go of (thoughts, words, logic, rationality, sanity, knowledge) everything. I found myself rolling on the carpet, surrounded by bliss. I felt invincible. Like nothing could harm me because there simply was no one to harm. When I realized this, I found myself hugging a bucket on the floor, feeling very safe. When I thought I was coming down from the trip, I felt calm. My mind was chaotic, fuzzy, whirling…but it was ok the way it was. I can live with chaos and not knowing. I felt the urge to be outside, in nature. I went on the balcony, took in the bright sunshine, watched the trees moving in the wind. (it was a rather strange weather: hot, sunny, but also stormy.) The trees never looked so green and alive. The colors where saturated, bright. So beautiful. I felt strong. Something in me arouse, like a inherent power. (complete opposite of the fear I felt at the beginning of the trip) it sounds ridiculous, but I felt like a lioness. I started moving my body. Feeling into it. I don’t know if at that point I was still high or not. But I suddenly felt the urge to nourish my body. I ran into the kitchen and started eating fruits: hauled on the floor I ate them with my hands. I felt like a primate. They tasted so sweet, delicious. I was completely lost in the process of eating, like a raw experience of the taste and texture of the food. I had the image of a chimp in my mind. And I absolutely loved it. Then I started dancing. I don’t know if it actually deserves the term „dancing“: I was moving like an animal in the jungle, completely lost in a primal rhythm. It felt natural, just pouring out of me. I just didn’t care anymore at that point. The term which describes it best, is RAW. Well, there is still a lot to process in my mind. Writing it down already helped me a lot. I already feel some 'sober' insights coming to me (where the fuck do they actually come from?): I am neurotic and perfectionist. I constantly want to label everything. I am addicted to thoughts, knowledge and doing. I am a slave to time, schedule, work, and rationality. I really need to just experience things for the sake of experiencing. Detach from results and wants. (the famous l’art pour l’art) I often am uncomfortable in my own body (stiff and afraid of moving, rigid), live too much in my head and worry about others. I need to give this animal urge I have inside of me more freedom. It sounds so silly, but doing that chimp dance took me out of my mental prison (=thoughts). If you came to this point, thanks for reading. Any thoughts? Similar experiences? I feel excited to elaborate all those insights.

@AstralProjection @Leo Gura @nightrider1435 thank you very much for your kind words. I now have to integrate what I saw and felt behind the portal into my daily life, the hard part of the work.. But I feel very motivated. I now got a glimpse of what could be expecting me. I am planning on more meditation, self inquiry and also sharing my thoughts on this forum, as I feel that writing things down helps me sorting everything out.

I don't have Chron's disease, but I'm a med student and I am very interested in the gastrointestinal tract, gut flora and nutrition there are a lot of new studies going on and I think the approach modern medicine is working with will have to change. I didn't have any particular health issue, but one and a half year ago I started following Dr. Greger's advice and I've been feeling great doing so! Much more energy, better physical performance and generally just feeling amazing. I also did some blood-tests in summer (I've always been a little anemic and I was afraid of not getting enough iron on a plant based diet) and everything was perfect. Good luck with your disease...Chron's is still kind of a mystery to medicine..this makes treating the root cause very difficult. But it's probably a mix of genetics, autoimmune disease, inflammation and nutrition. A plant based diet can help with all of that. I can recommend you reading 'How not to die' by Michael Greger, excellent book

I am not very experienced myself. But I do plan to get there I tried mushrooms three times (1,5 - 3 - 3g) and I what can I say, it was mind-blowing! Do your research (substance, dosages, setting..) and use multiple sources doing so. read some trip reports, so you kind of know what to expect. I have to admit, the last trip was extremely scary. Specially the beginning, but I feel I came out of it stronger than before. The shrooms really mess you up und show you your inner demons.. But it's worth it! I really feel motivated to continue my inner work after taking them

I started watching actualized.org two years ago, starting my self actualization journey. I've also been reading on the forum for a while.... I had the suspicion that reading and writing on the forum could be another form of distraction.. but finally, after a mind-blowing mushroom trip I noticed that writing things down helped me sorting things out in my messy, fucked up head. thank you for your kind words, I really think like-minded people here can in fact help each other a lot

have you checked out nutritionfacts.org yet? I'm sure you can find some interesting information there.. It's true, most of western medicine only treats the symptoms, not attacking the problem at the root cause! Dr. Greger is all about grabbing the bull by its horn I hope it helps

whenever I plan to do inner work I feel myself running away from it.. I distract myself with studying and accumulating knowledge. thanks for the inspiration! I guess there is no other way around it... I have to face myself. I am so confused and afraid. But admitting it actually already helps.