phoenix666

in doubt, alway follow the heart. there are many paths that lead to the one. but the one oft the heart feels the best, feels the rightest. actually, all paths can be taken, maybe the one with heart isn't even a separate one. maybe it doesn't matter which path I walk, maybe it only matters that I walk it with my heart I want to make myself vulnerable, I want to open my heart. I'm not sure how, maybe that's the first step. admitting, being honest, I'm trying

@Highest thank you for spreading the love, I just really needed that <3 the whole world needs more of that, actually <3 it has in fact started to be my highest value, my highest purpose. the number one reason I'm into this whole thing, why I walk the path: becoming more loving, towards myself and all beings <3

sometimes I get a glimpse through the illusion of time. everything that has ever happened and all that will ever happen; it's all in the now. all right now in this moment, all interconnected and interwoven. it's like I get thrown into a past experience or a dream I've had long time ago. it's not sheer memory, it's more like really, like really being there. is the illusion, my mind's construct starting to collapse?

I know it's all an illusion, I've experienced that cold shower, or worse, that terrible feeling of the ground disappearing right under my feet. the horror of falling and falling, through groundless floors. but so what? the illusion is divine. it's part of that holy beauty too. and if I'm here in this body, I'm here for a reason. even for the sheer reason of being itself. we're in this body to wake up. but it doesn't end there. it's about waking up and then come back. what for? enjoying. pure beauty of being. creating. LOVING. honoring the divine that is in everything. seeing the light that permeates each being. awakening that light in others by spreading love. there is no purpose other than the one we create. that's the real meaning of being a creator. what I'm here for? I want to connect with unconditional love, I want to merge with unity consciousness, so that I speak and act from that place. that's how I can help others, that's how we awaken the whole planet, by loving and honoring each other <3

I'm actually grateful for my beautiful, creative mind. after a psychedelic experience of utter emptiness I've learned to honor my mind as a creative and divine tool that has been given to us for a reason. all there is, is divine. all there is can help us awaken <3

no-mind has always been the goal in one form or another. I've been influenced by lots of Zen teachings and other spiritual teachers that see the mind as 'enemy' against awareness and being. I'm starting to realize that no-mind isn't a goal. it's eventually a consequence of mindfulness/awareness. so the goal should be to rise awareness. the silence and peace of mind will flourish as a byproduct of that. seeing things like that helps me doing all of this in a more feminine approach: not the getting rid typ of letting go, but the loving embrace of everything that may come up.

as love has become my highest value, I feel like I want to make this more down to earth. what is love? or more importantly, what do I mean when I say that love is my highest value? love = inclusion = unity, that is seeing myself in everything or including everything and everyone in my heart. I want my sense of self to expand wider and wider, so that one day it can take in the whole universe. separation is illusion. it goes hand in hand with fear and unconsciousness. if everything goes full circle, why is god love and not hate? because love is union, love is oneness, non-duality. even separation and illusion are paradoxically a part of that oneness. hate and fear and suffering are misguided, unconscious and primitive forms of love. I wish I could love myself unconditionally, so that I can love the world around me unconditionally. the way I treat myself is the way I treat those around me and so the world will reflect back. I'm not there yet and that's ok. it's not easy to reprogram years of self hatred and negative thought patterns. but I am aware of that and I am ready to open my heart, I am ready to expand, I am ready to face the fear, I am ready to love and to become love, even if 'I' have to dissolve in the process.

my values change with me, there is no path in the sense that the path is ever-changing. constantly adapting, endlessly developing and flowing like currents in a stream. like water, formless, shapeless. truth is still important to me, I'll continue with consciousness work. but I now know that my highest value is love. it's probably all one and the same in the end: beauty=truth=emptiness=fulfillment=absolute=LOVE. many roads lead to Rome, there are endless paths towards awakening. I want to walk the one of love. I actually don't want to awaken only for myself anymore: I want to do it for all beings on this earth. I wish to speak and act from unconditional love and oneness, to see the divine in everyone and everything in order to awaken the highest potential in everyone. wherever the path will lead, I'd like to choose love at every possibility <3

I can imagine. I had the same epiphany during my first experience with it: this is it. this is what we're all desperately, desperately looking for. most people without even knowing it. although I must admit that I already was on the path, already had a few glimpses... but it was the first taste of the utter perfection and unconditional love that is god <3 I've enjoyed your video thank you, it really sounds like they're talking about spiritual awakening. got goosebumps, reminded me of my glimpses on various psychedelics and during some good yoga/meditation sessions. thanks for the inspiration <3 where did you get this info from? I haven't tripped that often, but still get very intense feelings of love and empathy. a friend of mine has tried surely over 20 times and still gets those effects

I want to take the path of radical honesty, as that is the first step of accepting what is and loving what arises. I don't even have to like the way I feel...I just have to acknowledge it. and trust that whatever comes my way, can only be a manifestation of the divine, waiting to be recognized as such. nothing is less than the divine. the divine dresses up as everything we encounter, waiting for us to stop judging and avoiding, to start honoring it as the light it is <3 lately I've been feeling quite needy. I want attention, warmth, cuddles, admiration, sweet words and gestures that show me how much I'm loved. not that I'm getting any of that (or maybe a little bit...but not enough) I actually think I deserve more of all of that. maybe the first sign of improving self worth? I actually get some of that from some people...but not from the one person I love so desperately. then again, it's all the divine, dressed up us characters and situations waiting to be acknowledged as god in form. maybe it's helping me developing unconditional love?

oh I so know what you mean I've been thinking the exact same thing. that pure love, awe, empathy and sense of just being connected to everything and everyone is what I imagine it to be like too. it's also more or less what I've felt on my awakening experiences on shrooms, aya and AL-LAD but you're also right about saying that it's dangerous to phantasize too much about that. I've become aware that a lot of my suffering these days comes from my own expectations to how I should feel. I've had amazing afterglow from MDMA and specially from aya (long lasting, like for weeks or even months) and I've noticed that right now I constantly compare my mood and general awareness to that period of time... so it can be a trap. but I think it's starting to get better now because I've become aware of it. I guess the MDMA high can inspire and show you how much love there can be <3 and yeah, we definitely need more of that <3

oh yeah, definitely. I'll always remember my first experience. everything clicked into place. I felt like every molecule was exactly where it should be, I felt pure awe, looking at every atom of existence like it was utter perfection. ever since the first time it always gets me in touch with my emotions, I can speak freely from my heart as if my heart chakra completely burst open. I feel unconditional love and a warmth almost impossible to describe. it practically shows me how deep love can go <3

I've dissolved my ego again and again (on psychedelics) .. but I start to get the game. infinite. never ending dissolving... it comes back layer after layer whilst living unconsciously. and living unconsciously is hard to avoid in today's society. we're bombarded, our nervous system literally overstimulated. that's why it's important to come back to moments of awareness and mindfulness every day. every day. with every breath, with every meditation, whit every time we remember to be aware

this is so precious, thank you Solace <3

I fail my own expectations, I crumble underneath the pressure on my shoulders....the pressure no other than myself put there. I sometimes feel as if the light has left me. where are the good days bursting with love, energy, connection, awe, wonder...? without noticing I've constructed a new self image. I've constructed a new ego. I continuously fail to live up to the spiritual ego I've created. time to let go of that where to start again? back to the roots, back to the breath what resonates most at the moment, is Matt Kahn. I guess I'm starving for love. the first step may be admitting that I don't know how to love myself... How? Matt show me how <3

today I was able to touch many people's heart at a funeral, I managed to get them in touch with their emotions with my words. it was beautiful. maybe I should use them more often...maybe they can open up peoples mind, consciousness and specially their heart. talking to my father was very, very good too. maybe he's right. I am passionate about this whole consciousness 'thing'. I'm actually in too deep to lose it again. thank you <3 and to my dear grandpa <3 may you rest in peace, I love you

oh wow, I just fell hopelessly in love with this, @ivankiss this is pure love, thank you

there are some long hidden emotions that I still need to go through. it's rough, but I know that I have to. all the shame, guilt and self hatred that I furiously suppressed with distractions want to be seen and accepted. not just that, they want to be loved. I now know the key: self love. no numbing down anymore. the way of the heart is the highway to heaven <3

2g of dried mushrooms those wacky shrooms sure know how to fuck with my mind times and times again. it usually takes me a bit to finally surrender… this time too: I felt increasingly uneasy, some anxiety coming up. questions kept ghosting around my mind, feeding my restlessness: who am I? what am I doing? why am I doing this? I kept asking myself why I have to be such a curious, restless seeker. why can’t I ‚just live‘ like most people seem to do? I got the feeling that all my seeking and trying would lead me into a blind end. then the fear of losing my mind kicked in. of ‚losing it‘. losing grip. then the fear of death arouse. I’ve already died a couple of times on AL-LAD and shrooms and an infinite amount of times on aya. but apparently there is no limit to that. I realized that since my rebirth-experience on aya, a new ego has been formed around my Self and that this process is never bound to end: surrendering of self is an ongoing process. it was hard to let go, I had quite some attachments holding me back and that’s ok. I love and I care for people in my life, I don’t want to hide behind walls again. I want to keep opening my heart until I can love the whole world. until I care for every ant, love every grain of sand of reality I merged with an infinite strange loop which seemed to be me and the universe at once. one and the same, all is one. I felt so small in front of the Absolute that I became enormous. I fell through infinite grounds. every realization became the next dream to wake up from. I merged with an infinite loop. suddenly I asked myself ‚oh shit, am I ever coming back?‘ I realized to be trapped into infinity. forever. it took me a while to surrender to it. but this is exactly what you wanted. oh yeah? oh yeah. wait, what did I want? Oh shit, what do I actually want? then I realized my highest value, my truest desire. the one thing I want to have in my life and what I want to spread in the world, what I want to give to others: love infinite love and warmth overcame me. love for everything: my mam, my dad. I started crying. then I felt love for every person I know. for myself then I realized that what keeps me from eternal bliss and god are the limits I set myself. I don’t feel worthy enough. it’s not possbile! I can’t be worth all of this’ I kept thinking. the moment I realized my own lack of self worth and self love… I felt love in every fiber of my body. I kept repeating that I love myself and that I am worth all the bliss, all the love, all divinity. I realized that all beings are looking for love and attention - consciously or unconsciously. I saw myself as a child and then as a teen, desperately fighting for my parent’s love, acceptance and appreciation. I remembered doing everything I could at skiing and at school to get some approval and warmth from my dad. I remembered the cold feeling of never being enough, never being good enough. the pressure I felt every time my dad wanted me to be the best. and I am not accusing him, I am not angry at him. I know he only wanted the best for me and my life. it’s ok. I love him and I hope he can love me too, now that I’ve stopped trying to be the best. I also felt a very deep connection to my mam and a strong desire to talk to her (I later called her and told her how much I love her) I also asked the shrooms to show me how to integrate all of my psychedelic/yoga/meditative highs and experiences into my daily life. I don’t want to separate those from my day to day life. I realized once more that I wish to act and speak from that place of unconditional love and oneness at all times. (not really sure how yet, but time will tell..) <3 I also realized that all the suffering in my life comes from being separate from god. or better - from the illusion of being separate from god, because actually…everything is god, including illusion, including separation. my suffering stems from being homesick; some parts of me know that I belong to God or the Absolute and the illusion of being separate from it is very painful. it’s like being cast out of paradise. I need to remember the all is God, all is the paradise. formless and form. this nostalgia, this suffering is both a blessing and a curse. curse because I am a restless seeker, I want more out of life and blessing because it is this suffering that sets me into motion, that makes me walk the pathless path

after focusing my energy outwards for the last couple of months, I feel like I've reached a limit. I got a bit lost in the illusion so to speak. nothing wrong with that, I'm here to feel, I'm here to love and to care. and I've been doing that. honestly, it led to quite some suffering.. but I want to make the best out of it. let's use the suffering to focus inward again. I want to find that inner place of silence, peace and love again. from there I can give more love to others and to the world.

the mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master -Sharma

much has changed since my break from this forum, I'm glad to be back. I've missed writing down my thoughts. I found quite some close friends to talk about this kind of things and I love it. I've opened up and deepened the connection to my dearest friends. even with my parents <3 it feels so good. I feel more free, more like I can be myself and less isolated. I've discovered that deep connection to people is important for me, one of the most important values in my life. awakening is still my most important purpose in life, but it's different. it's not something I want to achieve for myself anymore. my goal is to become a more loving, more compassionate being in order to serve and help others on their journeys. that's what fuels me. feels like I don't only want to wake up for me, but for the entire planet. love has become my most important value in life and I want to act and speak from that place as much as I can, whenever I am mindful and aware until one day love becomes my only option <3 lovely to read from you again Charlotte <3 I haven't been around for a couple of months..probably because of that enjoy your popcorn my dear <3

I’m trying to categorize and subdivide infinity into smaller pieces, in order to put it into tiny, defining boxes we call words. I see the impossibility there and it makes me smile. every word, every thought makes infinite possibilities collapse. but I really want to try, as I feel that writing could help me with the integration process. I also want to share this experience with all of you, since I would have never, ever had this experience without this wonderful place full of inspiring souls <3 thank you I feel like everything’s perfect and exactly the way it should be. this is such a relief. I’m still in awe by all of it. it’s still hard for me to communicate, linear logic I used to rely on so much seems to fail me.. but I don’t mind, it feels like I’ve madly fallen in love with life I drank ayahuasca for the first time right after a 1 week long retreat in a Zen monastery. how perfect is that? the monastery was a beautiful experience. meditation, zen books and the most amazing garden I’ve ever seen. (I finally understood why Zen monasteries are actually Blue by the way, huge insight for me) soothing and healing nonetheless. I drank aya in a beautiful place in nature with to kind souls taking care of me (good thing, I was completely out of my mind. in a good way though) I lied down with my eyes closed, focusing on my breath. the effects came in subtle waves. tingling, my meditation started to feel deeper than usual. it became easier and easier to ‚reach‘ that state were I completely let go and forget ‚myself‘ and merge with my surroundings. as I didn’t feel any difference between ‚me‘ and the girl lying next to me, I knew that aya had started to work in me. and so I surrendered. the whole trip could only be described as a huge game of surrender - deeper and deeper and deeper into the rabbit-hole. and wow, I didn’t know….I couldn’t have ever imagined how deep this goes. the more I died, the more infinite ‚I‘ became. inside became outside, the deeper I went ‚in‘, the further I came ‚out‘. the more layers I stripped off me, the more I gave away, the richer I felt. rich in everything, everything. I screamed out in pleasure. I didn’t know that was even possible. it just got better and better, infinite joy and bliss. I couldn’t believe it was so, so fucking amazing. it made me cry. every time I thought "oh fuck, this is it. it's so fucking perfect. it has to be it", it went even deeper. I couldn't believe the bliss I saw life in a flow and resistance against it being the biggest problem. but I really started to get good at letting go, so I surrendered all the resistance again and again. each time merging with the overwhelming stream. the flow was everywhere, I infinite melody, the sound of life. it was in me, around me, flew through me. I surrendered a million times, consciously. I died and died and died and each time I felt more one with the universe. I couldn’t believe the bliss. unimaginable. it still brings me to tears. I am crying right now <3 at one point I felt the earth sucking me in. the soil ate me, tore me into infinite parts until there was nothing left of me. then it spat me out again. I felt the earth giving birth to me, again and again. it felt so..organic, dirty. it was both painful, disgusting and also the most natural and beautiful process I’ve ever been through. that cycle went on for a while. each time I felt more and more connected to nature. like nature streaming through my veins as the effects started to lessen.. I was too in awe. I couldn’t speak for a while. all I did was sitting on the ground, crying and shivering. I looked around like I’d never seen a forest in my life before. and I hadn’t. not like that. I literally felt like a newborn. I looked at the world, unable to conceptualize it. they spoke to me, I could only listen in awe. no words came out of me. everything was new. my whole body felt like it had just been reborn. every movement seemed so foreign. (my trip sitter told me later that my movements and whole coordination looked very weird. they said "literally like those of a newborn") I think this will change my life. I don’t know how yet, but I really hope I can integrate this into my daily experience. I want to embody everything I’ve felt. I still feel kind of different than before. there is something deep inside me, like peace and calmness. like I’ve stopped searching because somehow I know that it’s all in me. nothing „out there“ could ever fulfill me. it’s all inside. I also realized that it will never end. awakening is not an endpoint like I’d imagined it to be. it’s a beginning, again and again. there is always deeper to go, more to surrender and more infinity to expand into. that’s the beauty. it brings me to tears <3

a student has anything to ask, so many things to know. I've already dissolved some of that need to know in me. after aya I had the feeling of not needing to know anything anymore. no searching, no wanting. it has come back since then. but it's ok, I'm aware of it and I want to love that searching part in me. it brought me into this journey. <3 a master has nothing to know or ask and anything to bless. thank you Matt Kahn, may you be blessed. you helped me so much. I'd like to give you something back for all the light you've brought into my life. I want to walk the path, but I want to walk the one with heart and your words feel right to me <3

oh my, this actually made me cry. thank you so much for your loving and soothing words, Igor. self love is a big one for me (I actually start to think it's the biggest) I still struggle with it, I'm still fighting with old patterns of self hatred, shame and guilt. it's much easier to love others than one self, even if in the end (and somewhere I already know that) it's all one and the same. love for the universe is love for myself and vice versa. I try to cultivate love every day, I try to deepen my love for everything with every meditation and yoga session, in every interaction with other beings <3 thank you, I can feel your hug und the warmth in your words <3