phoenix666

But still, one must become aware of them, doesn't he?

I was also hyper-hiding it like it was something to be ashamed of.. I realized I was afraid of being different and of being a black sheep. Now I slowly come to peace with being one (it's still difficult and very painful) and I slowly open myself. I don't even do it on purpose, it just happens that I subconsciously let the conversations drift in that direction, specially when I talk to someone who is suffering or asking for advice.

Wonderful <3 I think I am still stuck between I am mind/soul

Servus I am from Northern Italy, but German is my native language. and I study in Austria. Anyone from there?

so beautiful and inspiring <3 specially the part with the creature, rotten in the inside and walking around with a classy mask in society. Also the part about love... I read it again and again and I understand it on a logical manner. But I don't really feel it, maybe I am not ready because I don't fully love myself..yet. That love everyone talks about is something I still have to experience. Thanks for your wonderful insights

1 hour SDS results: slight back pain. my back and my neck felt like they were burning off my skin no, seriously. I had some pretty wonderful moments, specially half way through. It actually resembles the spiritual path, or really life in general. It's a constant UP AND DOWN. as I reach a peak, I feel like I'm floating in heaven. then I fall back down in a crash. until I slowly creep back to baseline (with disappointment and frustration). the trick is probably to know that after a high, a down has to come. it mildes the crash and saves the disappointment (some of it is maybe unavoidable. but then, what is disappointment? a fleeting emotion, just accept it, embrace it. what exactly does it feel like? surrender to it) I can't but notice, that the baseline is slowly - really, like really fucking slowly - but constantly rising. sometimes when I meditate I get this strange feeling: like my face is somehow melting away. or dissolving. I get this image of my head, without a face. a faceless person. and I feel something opening, like something bursting out of my face and then slowly expanding.

If that's your passion - do it. But maybe am biased, because I'm in med school myself I am also very interested in lifestyle and holistic type of medicine and one day I probably will go in that direction. But if you really chose medicine, be prepared that 90% of what you have to do is regurgitate bullshit. Leo is right on that, most of it is low conscious. The majority doesn't give a fuck about lifestyle and mind-body connection. If you really want to become a doctor you have to just go though it with a bigger goal in mind (one day you will do your own thing and help people your own way) also have in mind that studying medicine is by far not the only way to help people. there are tons of other options. I personally chose medicine because I've wanted to be a doctor since I was little. Whenever I'd think about it, I'd feel goosebumps rising and my heart beating faster. When I assisted on a surgery for the first time, I just knew holy fuck, that's what I wanna do. I felt so excited and giggly. Like I was in love, not kidding. Do you have that kind of passion? If you have, try going for it and never forget your prime goal (helping people)

exactly, where do the cultural memes come from? How can so many people, divided through time and space have similar 'fantasies'?

when staying true interferes with your vibration

I had the same problem for a very long time. I solved it using a meditation cushion! I only found out a such thing exists when I went on a retreat and when I came back I immediately bought one online. It's perfect, I love it. makes meditation a lot simpler and more enjoyable. It even improved my posture. yoga is helpful too

@art fuck, I love my Black Metal... Be more radical than that, aim for Classical

shit. looks like I have to quit Metal

@nexusoflife I feel you. I have so much to do between college and work. and it's so frustrating because the way universities are structured undoubtedly clash with enlightenment work. It's not studying and understanding for the sake of studying and understanding, but it's a lot of memorizing stuff just to pass some idiotic exam where they ask details you're never going to need at work. It's hard to find time for spirituality and for 'just being'. It's a constant struggle. I have phases where I pretty much slack off in college and read a lot about enlightenment, spirituality, nutrition (I am also very interested in veganism), psychedelics and work on my meditation and self inquiry. then I have phases (like now) where I have so much to study that I only manage a quick meditation session in terms of personal development. I guess the key is to never give up. just go ahead, even if you have some days where you can't really work on yourself. never forget about enlightenment and dive deep into inner work whenever you can.

@pluto looking back at my life.. I wouldn't be here at this point without all the emotional pain I've suffered. mental pain has helped me far more than happy little moments, ecstatic highs and physical pain. I'm sorry for your suffering. but see, it made you a stronger person. I can feel the same for me. you're right, the only way is to give up control and accept whatever is coming.

Today I sat through my second fully completed Strong Determination Sitting Meditation. It was very painful, I'd go to say one of the most painful sessions I went through. It eventually became the best meditation I've ever experienced. The first half passed very slowly, there was a little bit of emotional suffering like confusion, boredom, frustration. Then I slowly felt the pain becoming physical. I felt it in my chest, my pulse increased. Then my whole leg began to hurt. now that was pure physical pain, probably something I was doing wrong with my half lotus position. I slowly tensed up, but then I decided to just go with it. I observed the increasing pain, which was mostly located on my hip joint. I felt all my muscles tensing up, spreading the pain. Then I just relaxed all my muscles, completely surrendered to the physical suffering, even embracing it, giving it my love. then I think I got a very small glimpse of infinity. microscopic, but non the less beautiful. It felt like the point in my head, which I generally always interpreted to be 'me', suddenly broke out of my skull. It expanded, felt empty and at the same time full of energy. I felt very peaceful und released. as soon as I wanted to put it into words, I felt my muscles tense again, the radiating pain coming back and the 'thing' which felt like my expanded mind escaped. It only came back when I surrendered the tension and embraced the pain once more. This cycle repeated like 4-6 times. Two questions emerged from this experience: 1. can physical pain increase your consciousness, thus leading towards enlightenment? When you think about it: pain captures your full awareness and it makes you focus on this very moment. it can make you very present. in many cultures and traditions we find examples of self induced pain (fakirs, scarring..) 2. could that have been a very, very, very, veeery small glimpse of infinity? or at least a small step towards higher consciousness? much love

@RossE I really like the car analogy. Yeah, sounds like you can try driving on busy roads. I'll keep practicing on the empty one for a while I've been mediating for two years now, varying from 15 minutes to 1 hour a day. I've now committed to more practice the last few weeks because it's been really helping me a lot. So I am very curious to experience some of the things people speak about on the forum.

he pretty much put it into words. so I just observe. it makes a lot of sense because a lot of times I had to break my meditation sessions because I felt so overwhelmed by the pain or the boredom that arose. and last time I didn't try to resist it, I just watched it and surrendered to it. so, the key is to just watch. god, it always sounds so easy....but it can be so hard sometimes

@beatlemantis thank you very much. good luck on your journey! remember to face the dragon, don't run away from it

@RossE wow, so you're already doing that? wonderful that you're at that point! I am not able to stay aware when I interact with arguing/angry/agitated people in most cases. I usually get right sucked in my lower self, in my thoughts and emotions. and it makes me suffer a lot because I then feel myself also suffering with and for the other person. I guess I just have to practice that. how do you do that? just becoming the observer of you thoughts as in regular meditation? and how can you talk to people when you do that? don't you have to 'step into your thoughts' in order to form a sentence or so?

@RossE i just stumbled on this video and it immediately made me think about your post https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqr98O8QT3M

@beatlemantis absolutely glad, looking back it was exactly what I needed. This horrific relationship showed me exactly what I've always ignored or tried to fill with other friendships, sex, love etc. this inherent emptiness. the fear of ending up alone and finally the bitter realization I had after we broke up: I am alone, all alone, now and forever. everything will fade. I am facing it right now, I've been working on it the past couple of weeks. a lot of meditation, self inquiry, contemplation, journaling. also the forum has helped me a lot. writing your insights and progress down also helps to get things out of your system, it helps detaching from them. I also experimented with shrooms. they showed me my biggest fear and made me face it. I just try to turn inward instead of trying to fill my inner void with other people.

@Emre even if you try to follow someone, you're still a unique person. you still have your own constructed view of the world, made out of many other views. don't worry so much on 'going your own way' or 'not to follow someone'. ideas, concepts, views are a collective pool from which you can take what you want, try what you want and also let go of again. you can take on whatever concepts you want, in the end the only thing that matters is what you experience. and that is something that you have to do on your own

I can relate to this. you can fix this either externally, which I did the first time when I encountered this problem, or internally. The easy way is the one I chose a little more than a year ago. I continued with my meditation practice and general with PD, but took it less seriously. My focus was on what was going on outside. I felt a need to connect with people and so I did. I eventually found someone I fell deeply for and we started a relationship. at that point meditation and PD were not important for me anymore. I was completely engulfed in my connection with this other person. It was good for a month. Then it was just a spiral downwards. I realized my need to connect was fueled by fear. (fear of being alone maybe, or I was running away from the emptiness) I was needy. Filling that emptiness with another person wasn't going to fix the root cause. Needless to say that the whole thing ended in a painful mess. That falling on my ass was exactly what I needed; a real wake up call. I started my whole journey one more time and this time I wanted to fix this problem at the root cause. I feel distant from people from time to time and have no real desire to connect. Sometimes I end up having a nice chat anyway. but I recognize it for what it is. chit chat, icing on the cake. Really deep conversations are very rare, you can't force them. When I happen to stumble into one of them, I try to savor them and am so grateful. You can't run away from the emptiness inside of you. you have to face it if you really want to grow.

It's impossible to not be influenced. But it's also impossible to not go your own way because as much as you imitate someone, you will never be the same. Get as many sources as possible, try different things. Keep what you like and discard what you don't. Make a meta-analysis of the meta-sources so to speak.

I agree, it is one of the most practical tools out there. It helped me a lot. When I first watched it, I immediately felt a strong improvement because I was turning inside more than usual. (and it helped to stop some bickering and criticizing I had going on with my parents). But of course, we tend to forget higher consciousness behaviors as soon as we're sucked back into work/society/friends/college. thanks for reminding me. I will apply it to my daily life again