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Everything posted by phoenix666
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so true! it just takes patience, patience, patience. we need to be long distance thinkers. it all sums up and the more you bear with it (and all the struggles which come along, and oh yeah, there will be struggles), the more you'll feel the power. it's a snowball effect. when I look back, I get very excited, because I feel that I have changed so much since I discovered actualized.org. I am an entire new person. everything changed, my way of seeing people, the world, myself, my thought patterns, my way of thinking, my entire being in general. it keeps me motivated to do the work every day.
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very interesting! I sometimes come to a similar conclusion (it differs from time to time I think about love) but am I the only one who feels kind of sad reading this?
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from royally fucked up to seemingly stable enough to be asked for advice well, I really have no idea where that came from. when did I stope being the basket case? when did I stop being the one crying at a party? when did I stop being the one drowning in drama? and when did I start being the one who gets asked for advice? like genuinely. not just I helped you, know I can help me. but really 'you seem so strong and at peace, I feel like you can help me'-asking. it really came out of the blue. two friends confided in me some weeks ago, it seemed no big deal. last week other 3-4 opened themselves about what they where struggling with. all people I considered as very stable and at a good place in life, some even older and more experienced than me. they suddenly told me about their suffering. (fears, anxiety, apathy, depression, disorders..) I asked one of them why she suddenly felt the need to talk to me about her problems. she said she felt safe with me, like I could be someone who can help. that I seem strong and stable. that she felt like she could really trust me. that I would never judge her. and when she told me, I felt that she was right. I wouldn't judge. I still catch myself doing it from time to time, but the judging gets weaker. I start feeling more and more compassion for people. like I start sensing their pain. and I feel a deep want to help them. I am probably not good at giving advice. But I stopped preaching some time ago. I just try to be the best version of myself, hoping to be an example and maybe even an inspiration for some. and I think just me listening to them and asking them to describe how they feel, already helped. It felt so good. It really put me into a higher state of consciousness. yesterday I went to bed with a big smile. I was always kind of afraid that 'I want to help people' was just some empty phrase, I used as an excuse for becoming a successful doctor. But no, I really felt it in my heart. this was not about me. not about stroking my ego. not about validation. really just about helping and raising others. it came from a deep place.
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wonderful experience, so inspiring to read! That part about surrendering.. indeed! I also struggle with that... during my last trip it was like surrendering to insanity.. like accepting to literally go crazy, it was so scary.
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phoenix666 replied to Afonso's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
being aware of my breath catching my thoughts whenever I tend to get sucked into them and recognizing them as futile letting go with a deep sense of trust daily meditation and yoga a healthy diet centered around veggies and fruits to know thyself; becoming the observer of my thoughts, emotions and actions -
Sometimes I can't but feel that everything happens for a reason. The people we bump into, who we bond with. what happens to us (whether good or bad, if such distinction even exists.) I actually start to feel that in fact, there is no such thing as good or bad. It feels like it in the moment (but even that feeling is getting weaker and weaker). but in the long run I can see that illusion frail. looking back everything could be seen as 'good' (or bad, if I wanted to, but I am not as negative as I was before). nothing made me grow like the things I labelled as 'bad' at that time. the good things were nice and all, but I didn't really learn much from them. they remain as a good memory, cushy to think back and maybe to use as some sort of motivation. but the really bad shit was it that really kicked my lazy ass into motion and forced me to change.
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phoenix666 replied to phoenix666's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@Afonso I guess all nature will look jaw-dropping @nightrider1435 thanks for the motivation. but that's probably one of the obstacles to overcome: once you got the taste you love it so much that you start looking for it, chasing it. it's difficult to then meditate without purpose -
something really strange happened to me yesterday: I went swimming in the pool and as soon as I dived into the water and started crawling, it happened. I'm really not sure how to explain it, but I'll try: suddenly everything felt different. the world around me was the same, but it was like my perception of it slightly changed. it was very, very subtle, but it hit me with and undeniable force. everything felt more intense, more vivid. the way the water hugged my skin felt so soft and alive. the light-patterns in the water looked like magic and it was like my eyesight became sharper. almost like I could distinct more colors and shapes. I was fascinated by the small bubbles in the water. I was even fascinated by the dirt on the pool ground. the way my body moved was the strangest thing: I felt the movements happening, they felt elegant and in a perfect flow. yet, I had absolutely no control, I was just watching them (I was still inside the body though). like the motions came from somewhere, not from me. yet I was part of them. (uff it's frustrating, I feel like no words are good enough to explain it. no matter what I write, it's so putting distance between the words and the experience) then a smile crept across my face. I soon snapped out of it. It only lasted like 30-40 secs, but it was enough to make me wonder. it was so subtle, yet so powerful. I don't know, hahah no idea where it came from either, I meditated in the morning, but when I went to the pool I was lost in thought stories, not very aware of the breath and the present moment. so it really took me by surprise. During my meditation today the experience continued to pop up and my mind was constantly trying to conceptualize what happened (what I just did). so I thought writing this stuff down and sharing it with you might help. much love
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phoenix666 replied to phoenix666's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@Afonso wow, that's so beautiful. I hope I'll experience it more often too. it's like switching from a black and white movie to a modern 3D movie. -
writing writing is like a valve for inner turmoil. whenever thoughts are raging, the mind is racing like a monkey on crack and the body is tensing, it's all just a big chaos in my head. rationalization, analyzation and conceptualization, it's all just the same trap of running in wheel like a schizophrenic hamster. writing all that crap down is curative. it's shining a light of awareness on all that mental masturbation, instead of trying to ignore or suppress it (which in turn just makes it stronger, what resists persists). it's looking at what's going on in my mind. processing it, ordering it and making sense of it. it's getting to know myself. writing it down is making an active move to release it. as I write it on paper or type it in my computer, I let it go. (speaking it out is also a form of letting it go) but the act of writing forces even more active processing, ordering and understanding. it's slower and more contemplative, yet can be very raw and intuitive. sometimes it comes from a deep place you don't even know you have when I look on stuff I wrote time ago, I often feel like it's not even written by me. did I really write this? would I really think this way? would I express myself this way? what the fuck did I think? who is this person in my past? so it really seems that by writing, something leaves. not only the energy involved in the act of moving, which exits the body. something more subtle leaves the mind. it's like you put something of yourself into the words and it leaves you with the ink. you slowly get rid of everything you think. you notice it, think it all through, sort it out. and then you give it into your words. gone not all of it, but it loses some of its force.
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phoenix666 replied to phoenix666's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@How to be wise it really felt magical. subtle, and yet so strong. it does motivate me! it's just ironic that with all the hours I spent looking, searching, wanting, working, trying, desiring.......it hit me when I was completely unconscious and lost in my usual thought stories -
sometimes I try, try, try so hard until its becomes frustrating. I give up, almost forget about it and then boom! it happens, effortlessly. just like that. I've been trying to have a lucid dream for months over the last year. I made some progress; my dreams started getting much more frequent and more vivid. I even once became conscious that I was dreaming (then I immediately snapped out of it and woke up because I got excited). The last months I almost forgot about the lucid dreaming thing. It was somewhere in the back of mind like "oh yeah, there is this thing...I'd like it. would be kinda cool. But I don't wanna force it. Maybe it happens, maybe not. I'm ok with whatever happens." the last weeks my dreams became more frequent and more vivid again. not because I tried to have a lucid dream, but just as a nice side effect of my new yoga, awareness and deepened meditation practices. I was quite happy about it, but I still didn't feel the need to try anything. and then BOOM! I was walking around on a Cuban beach, full of rich people, sweating their cream smeared ass off in the sun. drinking sweet cocktails, turning their backs on the poverty and misery behind the beaches. I realized "oh, I am in Cuba and I can't be. I must be dreaming it." just like that. I stayed cool. I decided to walk around and became a little disgusted by the tourists. I decided to take a walk through the neighborhood, taking a look on the rotting houses (it probably wasn't Cuba, but in the dream I was sure it was) I remembered it as soon as I woke up. There are so many possibilities in exploring my dreams and there is a lot of room for improvement there, I think. I guess there are many degrees of awareness to reach and I didn't have a really high one. I realized I was in a dream and I had a sense of controlling my actions, but it was a little distant and hazy. I hope I will be able to deepen that experience. exploring my dreams is like diving into my subconscious mind, it's probably a good and entertaining way to get to know my hidden parts, my shadow and such. Maybe things happen by accident, I can't force them. But I guess training makes me more prone to accidents?
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exactly, I guess applying learning=behavior change is the most effective method
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phoenix666 replied to Wes Thoughts's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I stumbled upon this video just today and now after reading your comment it came bouncing back into my mind (friend) -
what I learned from my yoga practice - or rather, how my behavior is changing I learn how watch my breath, my body, the motions, the sensations. the subtle shifts before, during and after each asana. the flow, the focus, the process of getting lost in thoughts. and catching myself getting lost in mental masturbation. how unease and impatience arise..slowly, but with an underlying force, how they tense my body up and shorten my breath. as boredom arises..seducing me with the sweetness of all kinds of distractions. thoughts, phantasies, things to do, everything that shifts my focus away from the torturous slowness of yoga. As I notice all that, I shall not judge my resistance..but welcome it with a slight grin "here you are, coming back again. you cheeky bastard!" as I focus back on my breath and loosen up my muscles, I feel like coming back into the moment. patience, quietness, calmness, flow, relaxation, focus, acceptance. The soft overcomes the hard.
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@Sukhpaal I also pondered over a similar question the past couple of weeks. what is love and such.. I've also been asking myself what I actually felt for people I 'fell in love' with. Since I don't fully love myself... yet... It couldn't have been love, now looking back. what was that all consuming feeling then? a deep desire to be loved? by others? by myself?
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what I learned from my retreat. or better: how my behavior changed what did I learn? There are parts of me that I resist to. (what resists persists) I don't feel fully comfortable in my body and I am full of tension, specially when I am stressed and specially in the neck/shoulder area. I am stressed, I am addicted to doing and being productive. I identify with a lot of labels that then force a lot pressure on me. I look for approval and love, I care so much about what others think of me because I wanna be accepted, loved and admired. I wasn't always like this, there was a time where I didn't give a fuck. How did my behavior change? I started a Yoga practice. I already feel less tense, have better posture and flexibility. I meditate more consistently. I slowed down my daily life. LESS IS MORE. I do less and what I do I do more slowly. I feel less stressed and I am more aware of when stress overcomes me: it's very physical. I tense up, my breathing becomes faster and shallow. When I notice it, I watch the tension and try to release it with every exhale. Next steps: Journaling, work on why I care so much about what others think of me, start to not only accept, but also embrace the parts of me I still resist to (shadow?). stop identifying myself with labels. I am what I am.
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Can the perceiver perceive himself? As sensations arise in my body, I can watch them. If I can watch them, I can't be them. Ergo --> I can't be my body. I slowly come at peace with that. I still identify with it, but this projection starts to frail... Same goes for what I see, hear, feel and the biggest obstacle for me what I THINK. If I can watch all those things, I can't be them, can I?
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phoenix666 replied to Sage_Elias's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Only when I started meditating I became conscious of how toxic my environment is. It's always such a hard contrast when I leave the house after meditating or when I interact with people. It's like a punch in the face It's negative because it can distract you and take you back to lower consciousness It's positive because the sheer power of the contrast shows you how beautiful a calm, conscious mind and inner peace can be -
I have so many identifications. so many traits, roles and personalities I've identified myself with through the years. I noticed that's exactly the reason why I enjoy reading so much (I still do) and watching TV-series and movies (I've limited that down). It's all about identification. If I can't identify with the hero, or in my case, usually an anti-hero, I don't care about the whole thing. I story touches me, when I can think myself in the role of the hero. I see myself in her. or I fall in love with a character and interact with her in my head. usually I am more fascinated by female characters because it's easier to identify myself with them. and then my mind goes on autopilot, constructing relationships and adventures about different characters. each one of them is a part of myself. I am addicted to this shit. My mind is desperate to identify itself with characters, it latches onto every personality it's fascinated by. Roles I identified myself with for so long and I am no ready to let go of (slowly): metalhead med student/future doctor (it's what I do and will do, not what I am) the bad girl (I gave that up quite some time ago, without even being conscious of it) the nerd (I don't care about grades anymore, I just want to become a good doctor = actually helping people) I love metal, but it is in fact very aggressive, specially the black/death stuff. It's violent and I always liked the power that comes out of it. Nothing bad about it, but I feel it's time for a change. I can't be stuck in this 'fuck the world' and 'I hate everything' forever. It was right for a long time (troubled Sturm und Drang years). It's not that I have to say goodbye, I will still listen to it when I feel like it. but I feel like changing the 'I hate everything' into love. I always thought love is pathetic.....and maybe it is, but my attitude was as well. and who the fuck cares? people change and I love changing because no growth can occur in stagnancy. I just discovered Tschaikowsky, love it <3
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Sometimes I feel massive resistance. I wonder what is the best way to encounter it? I usually bitch out (already figured, that's not the best way) is it good to go exactly there, to go the path of most resistance? bite the bullet, embrace it, surrender to it? it's painful..
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THE CHAMELEON Through the years I noticed that every time I had to describe myself (in a brief oral introduction or also in a more elaborate text at school or so) I struggled to pin down my characteristics. Looking back now, I can see that if you compare what I wrote...it seems like it's about completely different personalities. I sometimes feel shocked about the changes I went through. When I look at my past I sometimes feel I was another person. I also realized that everyone who knows me, knows only a tiny little fraction of myself. and not just that, but a completely different fraction than anybody else. They would probably describe me in such way, that if you compared their descriptions, you wouldn't guess they are about the same person. Growing up, I always had the feeling that I don't fit in anywhere. but looking back I could also say that I fit in everywhere I want. like a shapeshifter. and I did, I kind of morphed from one group to another, often having the feeling to live in multiple different worlds. Those worlds being completely independent from each other, only kind of joined through me. I struggled with myself because I couldn't pinpoint my personality, EVERY ASPECT of it. I always thought to be one way, only to find out later that I was the complete opposite. It always came as a shock and resulted in insecurity and massive confusion: am I confident or do I doubt myself? am I courageous or anxious? introverted or extroverted? straight, bi or lesbian? practical or theoretical? happy or sad? calm or excited? passionate or platonic? romantic or only interested in sex? quiet or bubbly? greedy or giving? a doer or a thinker? a dreamer or practical? rational or emotional? lazy or a work bee? intelligent or dumb? do I care or not give a fuck? ..... I slowly come to realize that I am none of those things. and all of them. It wasn't one big insight like I wish it would be. It's a very slow, ongoing process. Bit by bit I start to stop wondering 'am I A or B?' I am neither A nor B. I am A and B. Or not even that, I sometimes just do not know anything about myself anymore.
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I was wandering about music as well.. Our mind is the average of the incoming stimuli and music and its lyrics probably has so much influence over our unconscious mind. I've been listening to metal music (all kinds from Heavy, Death, Alternative, Doom, Progressive, Thrash to Metalcore and Hardcore Punk.. and a lot of Black Metal as well) for the past 10 years. and not just a little, but like 3-4 hours a day.. I wonder what all that did to my mind I've been cutting it down for the past weeks.. What music do you think is best? In terms of self actualization/enlightenment work/spiritual awakening? Classical? Jazz? I actually like Classical. I always liked Dvorak, Beethoven and Bach... (but I always listened to like 98% Metal and 2% classical) I now try to reverse that
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https://www.lighter.world/providers/Michael_Greger Dr. Greger <3 Did anyone read 'How not to die'?