phoenix666

I had two lucid dreams. not really paranormal, I know..but still cool I really enjoyed them and hope to get some more. I talked to a very close friend and suddenly I became him/her. we morphed into each other and I felt like my self jumped back and forth between my body and theirs. I have to admit thou, one time it was during a mushroom trip and the second one during one of my lucid dreams. mindfuck nonetheless

@Wes Thoughts it was 5 day silent retreat. with different yoga, vipassana, walking meditation, zen practices. I definitively want to go on more retreats. I already planned my next silent retreat for the coming winter. I'm so thankful for Leo's tipp, he suggested me a retreat. it is a very powerful tool. in 5 days you can make months-worth of progress

some people would burn me at the stake for saying this, but I had that insight whilst watching a carcinoma under the microscope. a cancer is a quite fascinating creation if seen as an end in itself.

this. it brings me to tears. I've never heard something that turns melancholy into joy and vice versa like this. it's like the conjunction of opposites in form of music <3

cutting out TV, radio and news papers has been one of my most important steps toward positive, constructive thinking. news take you away from the here and now. they take away your awareness of the present moment. they put you into a different time and space. usually in a place with lots of drama, suffering, debating..

@Wes Thoughts I really understand, I still have the same doubts sometimes. I am not a complete ascetic, btw the opposite, I enjoy life very much lately.. but in a very different way than I did before: small things. like listening to a moving piece of classical music, watching tree brunches in the wind, eating wonderful fruits and things like that. it takes some effort: mindfulness, slowing things down, focus on only one activity, doing less things. it was a big struggle for me actually, I was addicted to multitasking, working my ass off for uni, doing sports, reading, studying, always doing. needless to say that meditation was very difficult for me at the beginning. then I decided to expand my mindfulness practice into my daily life, not just during meditation. (my retreat really helped me with that and Leo's video about the lifestyle of minimalism) so I enjoy things immensely, but in a very different way. it shifted from a hedonistic kind of numbing myself down, running away from problems and fear, creating drama and just having the 'mainstream kind of fun' to a mindful, peaceful und calm kind of enjoyment. it's hard to put this stuff into words, I hope I managed to get my point across

@Wes Thoughts I really feel you! it's periods wise. sometimes it seems like it, sometimes not. but the trend definitely goes towards yes, this is what I truly am here for, the is will bring me happiness. I'm far from 'everything becomes pleasure' right now, I must admit. but it is true, that I slowly start to see little joys here and there, specially in the small things I would have ignored some time ago. my mood shifted from 60-80% worried, grumpy, bitter, angry or depressed to 80% excited, calm, happy, amused. so I guess yeah, it's true. right now in this moment I am sure that this is it. this is what we're here for. I hope this can motivate you! <3

@Nahm not sure what you mean by meditating on I am love, all is illusion/possible? like affirmations? or more like a conceptual contemplation? hahaha everyone has their magic place, for you it seems to be a coffee shop. I'll have to find my own "When all seems seperate, is when we have an opportunity to experience all is well." this is very powerful. I felt this during my craziest shroom tea trip. that everything goes full cycle and that the darkest moment could be the best trigger for an illumination. but it's always so difficult to transfer the insights of meditation/trips into daily experience. I guess that's where the hard daily training comes in. but I already feel some slight changes in my day to day life, so that's a big motivation. your words are an even bigger inspiration. decades of work on philosophy, religion, nutrition, quantum physics and on the spiritual path.. that's big. respect! I am also very interested in quantum physics. I've read some (not too difficult to comprehend) books about it and it gave me goosebumps. It seems to kind of pinpoint in the direction of non duality and everything that spiritual teachers talk about. ach, this love! it's probably right under my nose........but I'm still blind....

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. -Heraclitus I become more aware of that with every day. I change, I change so much that at this point I wouldn't be able to describe my personality (which I didn't struggle to do in my past). I changed then too, I just wasn't aware of it. I created a personality with exact characteristics. I noticed changes, but very slowly. now it's a whirlwind, a constant flux. opposites turn into each other. there isn't one characteristic I could name, without also admitting that the sheer opposite fits my description as well. I see it in yoga too. every day the same routine. every time the same positions, the same movements. but it's never the same. I could repeat a movement a hundred times and each time would feel different: my breath, my thoughts, noises, tensions, relaxations, muscles, pain, release.. panta rhei.

this right there. this is so powerful. this thought occurred to me many times during meditation. on my retreat I also had moments where I could literally feel time passing slower.

@Nahm I'ver read your trip report, wow. sounds like a real breakthrough. do you consider it enlightenment? and have you had such huge awakening experiences also without any psychedelics during meditation or even during day to day activity? Thank you so much, I've noticed your comments before, they're always so inspirational. they always seem to come from a very deep place, a place of love. authenticity shines through. reading your words and similar comments always fuel me to keep on working on this path, so that one day I will reach similar levels of awareness. <3 I've had 4 shroom experiences. 2 very chill ones. 2 with some really fucked up shit going on, where I seriously lost all sense of identity, I just didn't know anything anymore (I think I was not ready at that moment, I was panicking for some time..) and one time I felt like going insane, like having a psychosis. you could probably call them 'bad trips'. but I don't consider them as bad trips, because even though I was scared shitless, at some point I surrendered to my fears and then I experienced one of the best moments in my life where everything went full circle. my fear became the strength of a lioness, psychosis became deep understanding, immense pain became joy and endless bliss. I would like to experiment further with psychedelics, but right now I don't have the possibility. I'm sure that when the time is right, a chance will pop up. for now I will continue with my regular meditation, yoga, journaling, book-reading, nutrition, education practices. wanted thoughts? like being mindful/aware of my thoughts and steering my mind in the direction of pleasant thoughts about my future? I can feel more and more that the world is a reflection of the inside. the more i accept myself, the more I understand and feel empathy towards others. maybe I will recognize reality as love once I truly/completely start loving myself. thank you <3

about time: I sometimes feel that my perception of time changes: when I observe something, it's like time slowed down. sometimes when I watch my breath, it feels like it stretches out, expands. anyone else having the same experience?

wow, some of the stuff you describe sounds so wonderful I hope I can experience all of that some day. I had a strange experience whilst swimming two weeks ago, where I felt a shift in perception. no changes in space, but in clarity. everything looked sharper, more vivid, more colorful. sometimes I feel something strange, I'll try to explain: like my experience is splitting into to options for a very short amount of time (for example my mam either says something, or she doesn't. or I choose to either taste a piece of fruit during cutting or not) then I fall back into 'normal' and I have no idea which option actually happened during meditation I sometimes feel like something changes in space. It feels like my face starts to open up. like my head/mind/centre of perception starts to grow out of my skull and expand into open space. maybe this is comparable to your changes in space? it's so difficult to put certain stuff into words

distraction holy fuck, that's huge. I can see it clearly now. every time I made some progress on my spiritual path, something came up. ever since I started. friends, hobbies, family, education, sport, partying, uni, some big exam. specifically and especially: love (rather being in love) either with a real person or with some fantasy in my head, thought stories.. it seemingly comes out of nowhere and swipes me away. away from awareness and consciousness and right into fantasy land. plans for my future, fantasies about love, success, really everything that could be. away from what is now. what you really have to do on this path, is to let go off things. letting go of 'having a life'. I really start being one of those people society would call 'boring, she doesn't have a life'. sometimes I feel like an outsider, an outcast, a black sheep. but then again, I've never felt more calm, happy even. I guess it really goes full circle. first you abstain from pleasure. then, everything becomes pleasure.

@Nahm I've spent a great deal of my life hating..people, life and myself. I really was a misanthrope. (only few knew that, I did quite a good job at hiding my true feelings) I lived in classic victim mentality, really. two years ago I discovered Leo's videos and whenever I fell back into old habits, there was something inside of me, which pulled me back to his videos, again and again. suddenly everything changed very quickly. I started meditating, went vegan, stopped watching TV and reading news. it never felt forced, it just happened, like a natural unfolding process. I felt my thought patterns change and when I now observe other people, I can clearly see the destructive cycle they're in. specially when I went vegan, I felt a strong aversion against 'unconscious' masses.. I really couldn't understand how people could be so selfish, exploiting the planet, hurting themselves and causing the suffering of millions of sentient beings. over the past year I started working on my past. I stopped running away and numbing myself down. I started looking straight into my 'problems'. I am not quite at a point where I completely accept and love myself yet, I think. but I feel like I am getting there. the same for other people. especially after my silence retreat this summer, I started to be very sensitive for other people's suffering. It's like I can feel their pain and all hate vanished. I started seeing why they do what they do. I can see them stuck in patterns where I was for a long time. it's like I stopped hating them as soon as I stopped hating myself. I hope that sums it up in an understandable way. thanks for your help <3

how do you become aware of that? how do you like really feel that?

it's like jumping into cold water. it's freezing first, becomes more cozy with time. it's heaven afterwards

@Milos Uzelac thank you so much for your kind words! they motivate me as well. I was on holiday last week, so I didn't do my yoga.. I started today and I felt a big difference...it was a bit of a struggle, but I felt so great afterwards. and my meditation right after was very intense. there really is a difference and the more you practice, the more you feel it. keep on training, it really is like a muscle...awareness, concentration, motivation, flexibility, observation, calmness, balance.. the more you practice, the stronger, easier and more pleasurable it gets. <3

@The Monk is that what Leo calls a Zen Devil? @Dodo I feel the same about alcohol. in the past it sometimes was a real struggle to stay away. I tried to quit it completely two or three times, but it was always a lot of struggle and it just felt forced. this time it is so completely different. I don't see alcohol as evil. I recognize it as to what it was for me: a distraction, numbing me down and an escape. once I chose to stop running away, the desire for it vanished. I am not afraid of it, I can imagine drinking some if someone offers it to me, but for now I just feel much better without it.

Spirit guide meditation: I am not sure what really came spontaneously and what I only made up (maybe it's all just the same?) (maybe everything comes spontaneously from nothingness and we just think we made it up ourselves?) however, the spirit guide gave me money. I don't really know what that means. Do I feel lack? do I feel financially insecure? I don't think so. I feel financially dependent. for sure Maybe I am still attached to materialism far too much for a spiritual and minimalist life style. for sure. But I am working on both problems. maybe my spirit guide just wanted to remind me. I had a lucid dream, my second so far. It again, just happened without forcing it. In the middle of my dream (it was an intimate dream about my ex..) I realized I was dreaming. I stayed relaxed, cool and just surrendered to the sensations. A man came with the intuition to kill me (for some reason, I just knew that, but I was not afraid, I stayed cool). there was another man, a bodyguard who shocked him with a teaser. later during my dream, I remembered, that all characters of the dreams are actually me. this is a great opportunity to get to know myself, to talk actively to my subconscious mind. so I went talking to the man who had wanted to kill me and asked him why. fuck, I don't remember his answer. then I went talking to the bodyguard. I don't remember that conversation either. what a shame. but a good experience nonetheless.

I see, hear, smell, taste, sense. but I am not a sight, sound, smell, taste or touch. that's quite clear to me. I think and I feel. That's what I usually identify with: my thoughts, especially my inner voice and my feelings/emotions. for the most part in daily life I'm completely immersed. sometimes I get more aware and realize that I am not any of them. I get those small moments of -wtf, wait. I can hear my inner voice talking and talking. I can see my mind firing thought after thought. I can feel my emotional body sending sensations all over me. I perceive all of that, I am not it.- those moments are gradually becoming more frequent. when I meditate or do consciousness work, I can see my thoughts, hear my inner voice and feel my emotions. I am not them. I am the one perceiving them. But I can't grasp where/who this perceiver is. I know that's the point. I know there is no one to grasp. I know it on an intellectual/rational level. I still have to feel it. But I want to, I want to feel that nothingness in my bones...

@The Monk thank you, your words are a real motivation. hahaha are you sure you don't want to spoil? you made me so curious..

@cosmicrays it's because "modern" medicine only treats symptoms, not the underlying causes..

@Elton wow, sounds like you got a nice couple of insights there. that's how we have to see trauma events; as an opportunity to learn something (--> change something in our lives) yes, the ego cares about its survival, that gets really clear once it gets threatened. it then come right back full force. it gets very present. letting go is difficult, I think it's a longterm process. baby steps every day and with time the transformation will be huge.