phoenix666

I realized that before I knew about all of this ..I still was looking for something. I wasn't even aware of it, most of the time. and when I shortly become aware, I had now I idea what I was so desperately looking for. so yes, you are always looking for it, unconsciously ore consciously. I don't know about anybody else, but the unconscious way happened to be a pretty miserable one for me. nothing seemed to fill this seemingly inherent hole in me. and what's to say about statistics: they say a lot about the masses and nothing about the single person

@cetus56 still a hell yes! I actually want to feel this fear so many are talking about

@Serotoninluv because I don't trust my mind. I've always been a thinker, my mind is very conceptual.. and I am afraid that I construct all those nice theories in my head and that those theories create a false sense of security and trust. just another trick of my ego, you know? difficult to explain but I actually just came up with the answer to this: less theory and thinking, more of the real work: meditate, meditate, meditate ..

hell yes!

@Serotoninluv but exactly that thought ( I am not in control, infinity/god/nothingness is acting through me and creating a false sense of self in my mind ) is making me feel really calm and peaceful. like I can lay back and that one day everything is going to click. but it's still very abstract and heavily based on intellectual concept. nothing I have really felt I probably need a real kick in the ass, come right face to face with a reality which erases my 'I'. like the experience you described with 4-aco. I guess that would really take my understanding to another level. and make me feel all the fear and panic

@cetus56 I know, it's probably right under my nose “What is hardest of all? That which seems most simple: to see with your eyes what is before your eyes.”― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe thank you, I will!

@cetus56 the more I read, hear, think, there more I have the feeling 'I get it, I get it'. but it's just concepts in my head, just an idea, I am at least aware of that. I know that the intellectual understanding won't help me.. can even be a further obstacle. I know it's just something the mind is grasping on, in order to keep on creating the illusion of self. it really seems frustrating. like the system is too perfect, the deception is too ingenious to get through. but there is something that calms and reassures me. (it's rather new, a feeling I got some weeks ago. and I think it's getting stronger) it feels like a very solid trust I have deep inside. like that on some level or at least a part of me knows that it is all an illusion: the self, my willpower. sometimes I just think 'relax, who the fuck cares? wherever I am, I am at exact the point I need to be now. I think I have free will, but I don't. whatever happens with my mind, needs to happen. and it will be ok. somehow, everything will fall into place.' then I become very calm and relaxed. sometimes I think it is my destiny to have an awakening one day, at some point of my life. that really keeps me motivated. thank you for your description! I really enjoyed reading your words <3

I know it's probably needless to ask, but I can't deny it to my ego nevertheless how do you 'take a leap of faith'? how do I decide to just jump?

it is true, I am the devil what I condemn in others, what I judge in others, I have in myself as well. I am just not aware of it most of the time. as soon as I become aware of my own devilish nature, all condemnation and judgment towards others starts to dissolve into thin air. I am selfish as fuck, I want so many things. it doesn't help to act all nice and spiritual here, I have to be honest. at least to myself. I want everything: appreciation, validation, love, success, money, health, purpose, value, admiration, friendship, shelter, security, adventure, freedom, peace, beauty, comfort, luxury, honor, results... I want enlightenment. I want awakening moments, glimpses of infinity. I want to feel this big love that is all one. I can see the irony and paradox in this. the ego wants to see that it is part of god. but as long as there is ego, no such thing is gonna happen. I can see the conflict there, from an intellectual standpoint. but I can't help it. I can't deny my desires. I want all those things. frustration arises. but as I don't resist it, something else awakens too: amusement. it truly is paradoxical. it's so deceptive, it's a piece of art. who is the genius who invented this stuff? it's an ingenious method to keep an illusion alive. incredible why do I want all that? I think it's a self worth issue. I sometimes feel worthless and meaningless. in order to feel worthy, I need all those things (love, validation, success...the whole package really) I feel like I am nothing without those things. I feel empty and small. insignificant. maybe it's time to ponder in that emptiness, meaninglessness, worthlessness, insignificance. maybe it's time to face this hole in me, which I constantly need to fill. it's time to dive into the nothingness I've always tried to run away from or cover with achieving my wants. what resists, persists. how do I face all that?

@Mad Max hmm, at my last retreat I already discovered that a lot of my negative patterns come from my mother.. I always had a more complicated, two faced relationship towards her than towards my father.. I'll still have to dig deeper there.. thank you for your advice <3

@Mad Max you assumed right that I am a girl^^ but I haven't been romantically attracted to a man since I was 18. over the last years I fell in love three times, but it was always with emotionally damaged women ^^ do you think it is still the same mechanism, but with my mam? that it somehow has to do with the relationship I had to my mother?

know looking back I see that pattern in me as well. I've always been attracted to emotionally damaged people. never to the 'good, healthy' ones. I can see that it's coming from a lack of self love, self worth/esteem/appreciation. I guess the answer lies in looking inwards, finding self love..

@ajasatya I read your comment a couple of times and let it resonate in my mind during dinner. then I actually had to google who those masters sit. you're right, they have a different way of moving, sitting, smiling, standing, general being. relaxed, at peace, calm, without resistance. truly beautiful. I see how powerful this method of learning can be. i wonder why it hasn't been more present in the west as well, since imitation is the most fundamental way of learning in the animal kingdom and also for newborns. in mimicking motions and postures, we start to feel the same. I've read about it, but I've never actually tried it myself (not consciously since I was a baby/little girl). I'm just a little confused because of Leo's video about the Devil. at the end he warns about the danger of just behaving like we know that we're all one without feeling it. that that's just gonna create more devilry and spiritual ego? (I feel a bit guilty there, cause intellectually I slowly start piecing it all together and I know about, I believe in the Truth of no self... but I haven't felt that all is one yet) anyway, I am deeply impressed by your way of living and I can feel that your words are coming from a deep and loving place. I want to try what you wrote about imitating the masters. when it worked subconsciously as a baby, it has to work now as well. thank you <3

maybe we already live in a world where 'normal' is an insult?

thank you so much, @ajasatya your words are pure gold <3 I am so glad that I joined this forum, you guys are such an inspiration. you're part of something very special, I can feel it. the part with the priorities is true, I think you hit something right there. My priorities have changed since I came on this path..very much. and they still are in development. I hope that one they they'll really be aligned with Truth, both in my conscious and subconscious mind. sit, walk, smile, be healthy, speak and do good like all those great masters..sounds like a wonderful place to live life from. how did you manage that exactly? was it a conscious decision, did you 'just copy' them? or was it a subconscious process? how did you know them so well to be able to walk in their shoes? biographies? wow, you're amazing! I also had this insight a couple of weeks ago: that I identified (I still do to some degree..) with all those roles: being a great student, becoming a good doctor, becoming an excellent surgeon.. that identification put a lot of pressure on my shoulders and made me very goal/results oriented and neurotic. once I became aware, the identifications became weaker and at this point I am much more relaxed about studying, work, etc. it's not just a play yet, but I hope that it will be, some day. (like it was for Siddhartha, all just a game) thank you very much, you're a big inspiration. from yogi-hopefully-to-be to yogi

am I not? not always.. when I shift away from awareness, I am not. but I want to be, I try to be. I am much more than I was in my past. I really want to become even more loving, caring and compassionate..

you are? how did you reach that level of awareness? was it like a gradual increase? like did your meditative/aware state just expand more and more from when you were actively meditating to 24h a day? I believe you, and I am deeply impressed. <3 but I guess there is some part of me that still doesn't hold it as possible for me. hahaha I really like your way of commenting, I noticed it before, your words always trigger something in me. something subtle like calm amusement. the same amusement I see now in this face. but ramana maharashi's amusement in this picture also seems knowing and full of wisdom. (mine is full of questions) hmm.. I see him thinking something along the lines of: "oh, you silly little soul. full of thoughts, concepts and ideas. I love your eagerness. but you have to stop doing. and start being." yeah, I see him saying something like that. but in a very loving, caring, soft and compassionate way.

@ajasatya I really like the fishing analogy <3 perfect. fuck, that's hard. I wonder if it's even possible to live in meditation while functioning in our modern society with uni, exams, work, deadlines and all that going on. hmm. discipline, endurance, motivation, inspiration, vision, balance, patience, passion, focus, strategy, flexibility....?

absolutely true. for me it has been a struggle for a long time. right now I feel like I've come to the stage where it really is enjoyable sitting in silence. sometimes when I am surrounded by chattering, people or general in a crowded and loud place I catch myself thinking how much I'd rather sit somewhere alone in silence on my meditation cushion.

@key kicked my ass into motion some months ago ..

@ajasatya how do you open that doorway? it also came to my mind that the breath could be the doorway between the conscious and the unconscious mind? how do you get through that portal?

Breath is 'my' only constant. it's the only part of the vegetative nervous system that we can influence consciously. there must be something more to it. why do so many meditational/awareness/spiritual practices center around the breathing? as I watch my breathing I noticed two patterns 1. it becomes shallow and short, like I'm about to panic. I become tense and my breath becomes more and more shallow and quick. it feels like I am about to suffocate (not as pleasant. when I try too hard and unintentionally try to control it instead of just observing) what is this? is it fear? agitation? I don't know.. I probably have to face it. question it.. 2. it becomes deeper and slower. it seems like it stretches out in time. it feels like time actually is slowing down. (very pleasant) this happens when I actually manage to just observe. no judgement. no control (not so easy!) it seems like I perceive my breathing. who is this perceiver? it feels like it is 'the real me'. but where is it located? I can't find it..

@The Monk legumes are an excellent source of protein

@Nahm ok, I'll chill and try to consider. i think this is perhaps the most difficult part, to just open the mind to the possibility..of no self, of all being one, of being infinite and the whole thing. on some level I believe it, what enlightened teachers tell, but probably somewhere I still am closed to the idea. If I said I don't believe in physical reality, I'd lie. I still am science minded. It's difficult not to be with the stuff I have to deal with for university.. but I am less than I was before. I feel like my science minded part is decreasing and my spiritual/openminded part is slowly taking the upper hand. yes, that's why it takes wisdom an longterm thinking to go towards the stuff that society is not appreciating - with the cost of being labelled weird

it was quite intimate actually