phoenix666

I started being more loving and giving to others naturally as I started being more loving and giving towards myself. watch your self talk: is it harsh? is it judgmental? does it come from guilt? be kind to yourself and automatically you will be more loving with everyone else as well. if you've spent a lot of years hating, bullying and shaming yourself (like me), being nice and loving with yourself will feel forced and inauthentic. just go through that initial phase, your inner innocence has to learn how to trust you again. soon it will feel authentic again. you can check out Matt Kahn's videos about the love revolution, self acceptance ecc. on youtube, they've helped me a lot. it really works. good luck <3

I didn't get rid of all my neurosis, addictions and negative thinking. but I am much more aware of all of that, which already makes it much better. like the moment I become aware of 'bad' thought patterns, they start dissolving. I am much calmer, got rid of anxiety (that I didn't even know I've suffered from) and I started enjoying small things. my life is simpler. I have something strong and reassuring in me, which I can hardly find words for....maybe the best word would be 'trust'. trust, that everything will work out. that what is, is exactly what should be and will help me on my journey to raise my consciousness.

@Geromekevin what do you mean with 'normal'? do you mean you're happy living the 'materialistic' lifestyle? like no meditation, no searching for Truth? no being, just having?

@Gabriel Antonio I've been taking cold showers for 4 months now! couldn't have found a better description than yours. it was so hard at the beginning, actually funny watching all the excuses arising then it became easier and easier, also because of the very hot summer here. now winter is coming, and it's getting harder again. but I will stick through! also thanks to your inspiration! I will just sit back and be amused by all the excuses and procrastinations of my sneaky ego I have to agree with @Kaity thou. it's a hell of a bigger challenge for us girls with long hair! even more hardcore

@Geromekevin thanks for this shift of perspective! very true, of course, Leo could be wrong (as he often says himself) but in this case I really feel the truth of his words, as I've experienced it myself. but I can only talk from my experience, that's why I was wondering if it is the same for all people. I for myself have learned (the hard way), that nothing seemed to fill that hole in me. I was always looking for something, not even knowing what, until I found this path. thanks for the suggestion, I've already read it 3 times it's actually one of my favorite books it was all a game for siddhartha, until he fell into the trap of shiny materialism. that's what I liked about him, he didn't just believe things. he had to experience them for himself, in contrast to his friend Govinda. I've always been like that as well. it can lead down some steep roads, it hurts, but it grows you the most.

@Nahm the most logical explanation of an illogical Truth I see, I really grasp it on an intellectual level. now I'd like to experience it...I'm in for a long journey! can't wait for my mind to be completely blown @jhmarrio yeah, exactly! It's similar to the subtle difference between 'being aware of x' and 'thinking about x'. being aware is just being, nothing else. no control, no judgement. it's very pure and clear, surrender. as soon as the thinking comes in, there goes the judging, attaching value, rationalization and all that mental masturbation stuff

I seem to come across this theme again and again. so many practices seem to be centered about breathing...why? what is it, that makes it so special? is it really a door to the inner self? the portal to Truth? I was just wondering what you all think about it or what your experiences are with watching your breath?

wait, I don't get that

I also find that ego comes back around people. and when around family, it comes back hardest, full force. there is so much baggage in family. they co-created your identity right from the beginning. they infused their entire web of beliefs into your baby-mind. if you try, you could probably trace back most of your 'bad' thought patterns to family. and yes, the key is not in running away from it, but facing it all. taking it as an opportunity for growth. I still struggle with all of that as well

@Leo Gura yeah, I know the never ending cycle of suffering and stimulation very well. and I remember justifying my suffering with 'that's how life is, it's a constant up and down' (ignoring the fact that in my case, it was way more downs than ups) and with 'we live in a world full of war, hatred, exploitation, I can't but feel horrible', exactly as you said. I can see that clearly now, looking back! I guess the first step out of hell is realizing that you're in hell. that's how deep most people are in...they don't even realize where they are. I wonder whether it's possible to fall back into that kind of life once you've started your journey on the spiritual path. I sometimes slipped back into old patterns, specially at the beginning, but something always seemed to pull me back up. thanks for your answer, Leo! I'll take the opportunity to thank you for all of your wonderful work. you have no idea how much you've changed my life. you're a big inspiration for all lost seeking souls like me out there <3

@Leo Gura that's what I feel as well, at least that's what I've observed in myself. but do all those people know that they're suffering? or are they immersed in denial and lies so deeply, that they don't even see or feel their pain?

@Joseph Maynor yeah, exactly, it feels like becoming present, centered and just aware again! @Shiva everything gets better with practice I noticed thank you, I will give it a try!

thank you for your insights @Shiva there probably should be a difference, but I have to admit that I find it very difficult to watch my breath without influencing it. I also noticed that sometimes watching my breath makes me very agitated or generally giddy and sometimes it's very relaxing and makes me feel grounded.

I had to deal with a lot of boredom as well. (I still have to, sometimes) and my mind just has such a vivid fantasy.. hell, how juicy my thought stories can be! but the more you stay on this path, the more you'll enjoy small things in life and just 'being' in general. it's very slow first and you need a lot of patience.. but eventually you'll start feeling the sheer power of the snowball-effect sit through that boredom. watch it, feel it. tell yourself 'it's ok' 'it's ok to feel this way'. where is it? how does it feel? welcome and get to know it, eventually you'll become at peace with it

I sometimes wonder whether those 'low-conscious people' really do suffer. I know that I suffered immensely before I started on this path, but are really 99% that unhappy? sometimes they seem pretty ok and satisfied with their things like going out, TV series, movies, games, fast food, drinking and stuff.. or do some of them not even know that they're suffering? (and isn't that some kind of bliss of the unknowing?)

panta rhei everything's in flux. everything changes, comes and goes. yet there something which seems to be present all the time. this sense of being me, the sense of 'I'. there is no denying that 'I' feel very real to myself. 'no self' is still very much only an idea for me. I had a glimpse on that scary trip, but looking back, I wasn't ready back then. It scared the hell outta me. I had nothing to old onto. only now I can see the beauty in that. the only thing which also seems to be constant in me (slightly changing, but in a never ending cycle) is my breath. is that a coincidence? or is there something in the breath? inhale: welcome whatever comes up exhale: let it go

it was quite clear, after my 'spiritual high' the last weeks.. sooner or later something had to come. well, here it is. I feel stuck again. I am distracted, lost in thoughts. can't focus. again. but something is different this time. I am aware of being unaware, at least to a degree. and it's ok. I'm not beating myself up. Life is throwing things at me, I get distracted. this totally is an opportunity to grow! and this time I feel like I have the right mentality. I'm much more laid back. it's okay. (I don't have to like it, but it's ok) what is life trying to teach me? --> to integrate my spiritual insights and practices into daily life. it's a long process, I need patience. but one day I'll walk through life in a flow, I am sure. no need to rush, I'm confident that things will somehow fall into place. what I discover more and more about myself: I love helping people. (it's kinda pleasing for the ego, too, I admit) but nowadays it's more and more helping for helping's sake. all in all: I don't think I "fell back down the spiritual/awareness/vibrational ladder". I don't think that's even possible. I just face old problems with a new mindset and the difference is noticeable. everything is less forced, less of a struggle. is flow supposed to feel like this? if so, then I like it and can't wait for more.

I am trying to carry the meditative state longer through the day and it's working fine when I do simple things like chopping vegetables, taking a shower and such. but everything is blown away as I study or interact/communicate with people. how do you do that? like how can you be aware (can that just mean watching your breath?) whilst listening to people and responding to them?

the obstacle is the path. but yeah, I feel you

everything is here to help me. this is new. I've never been one having faith. I've always found religious people to be weak, to not take their responsibility. I can't deny that I feel something, something that is slowly growing. an inner feeling of security. everything will work out, one way or another. wherever I am, is exactly where I need to be. whatever I think and feel, is exactly what I need to. everything is meant to be, and not just like this, but in order to help me. that's where I stop resisting. that's where I start embracing whatever comes my way. there are still a lot of parts of myself which I don't like. I want to start loving them. for now I can at least say that I understand why they exist. there is that part of me which is just desperate for love. it feels very lonely. it feels left. lost. cast aside. used. forgotten. no wonder it's so desperately searching for someone to take it in it's arms. then there is the thinker, oh, that's a big one. it's smart, perfectionist, proud. I see why it's here. it helped me getting where I am right now. it opened many doors for me. it won compliments, validation, admiration and success. of course it will continue to arise. then there is the fearful one. it's shy, introverted, doesn't feel at ease around people. it also feels special. but mainly like an outcast, like a black sheep. not really fitting in anywhere. I love them. they are here for a reason. they are here for me to learn how to love myself. they are an opportunity to rise my awareness. whatever is, is exactly what needs to be. love is always the answer.

the moment you become aware of the unwanted behavior the need for doing it should weaken. or at least in my experience and if it's not too deeply rooted into your subconscious. in that case it take times and times again of you engaging in the 'unwanted' behavior and just becoming aware of it, again and again. patience is the key. and don't beat yourself up. I know it's not easy, but try to literally love your 'sins' to death <3

from what I've researched, I don't think oil is healthy at all. neither cooked nor raw. It doesn't have any nutritional values that you couldn't get from healthier sources (seeds, nuts, avocados..) I usually try to cook without oils. of course it's not possible to avoid it completely (when I go out for lunch/dinner). but when I can, I prefer to avoid it

@Max_V there is a certain sadness to the 'end' of things. it reminds us of transience. we cling to things, that's why it makes us sad, I guess.

I ready for love it's so ridiculous, how I've always been running away from it. I wonder why? probably because of fear. of what? being vulnerable? ending up being hurt? (I ended up being hurt anyway) and I've always felt like a victim, full of self pity. not recognizing, that I was the one hurting myself, not others. I denied myself the most beautiful thing in the world, not others! I always associated love with being weak. not realizing, that it's the strongest thing in the world! I thought my walls made me strong haha I made myself vulnerable once. I was so scared. but there was an inherent power to it as well. it all went downhill from there. I realize that now. I've stripped myself naked (emotionally). it was like putting down all my defenses and giving her a knife. looking back: fuck, was that courageous. needless to say what happened afterwards, slowly, month by month. the knife cut me into pieces. I've spent so much time piecing together my bleeding heart. I've never understood what love is about. I feel like many people talk about without understanding it, too. I still don't get it. I still do not really, like really feel it in my bones. But I feel that my mind is opening up to it, slowly. It's got to be slowly, I've denied it for so long. but I am ready. thank you @No-Thing <3 you sent me the link to the love revolution I'm gonna share it again, maybe it can help someone <3 I've really discovered Matt Kahn in the last days. I love his content, it feels like exactly what I need right now. I think I wasn't ready back then. I was too closed to the idea of love, too much wrapped up in that (ironically oh so narcissistic) idea of self hatred. now I get the importance of self love. it's crucial <3 I slowly start to see in others and in the world what I see in me. I slowly start to see that the outer is a mirror of the inner world. this is huge. the world has become a much nicer place since I've stopped hating myself. once I started liking, accepting and being compassionate with myself, I magically started doing that with other people as well. it happened automatically, almost magically. I wonder how beautiful life must be for those wonderful people who fully love themselves. how much they must love life, the world, other people, really all creatures. I want to become one of them.

there are those moments (they're getting more frequent) where I become aware. aware of the moment, of what I am doing, of who (I think) I am. and then it hits me: fuck, I've just been sooo unaware. total autopilot. what was I even doing? my whole life I've been living like that. shit. like a machine. torn between desires and duties. running after happiness, not even knowing what happiness means. and I still am living my life like that. the glimpses become more frequent, but mostly I still run though life on autopilot. I slowly start to grasp the ramifications of this. the autopilot runs on a completely fucked up software. it consists of values, norms, rules, judgements, priorities I didn't even consciously think about. I start to recognize the patterns: how much of my behavior is explained, becomes understandable with how my parents, grandparents, school, friends, books and TV influenced me. I taught I was making decisions about my life all the time. how wrong I was.. I wonder who, what is making them now? I still feel like I am deciding.. only when I am more aware (meditation, yoga, contemplation, journaling) I notice how things just flow. how I am much more of an observer than a doer. observe, observe, observe. without judging. (it's becoming easier) know thyself