phoenix666

thank you. N, thank you for abandoning me. thank you for ignoring me in my darkest hour. it made me feel like the utter victim. it was the beginning of my journey. you made me find actualized.org. you made me realize that in the end, I am alone. and that is the beauty, I was strong enough. you kicked my ass into motion. you triggered the lion inside the suffering camel. S, thank you for abandoning me right after plucking up all the courage I had, offering you my heart. you broke all my walls. and then my heart. thank you for making me feel like the loneliest person in the world. it's what I needed to come back on the path. you made me find the path again. and you opened my heart for love again. you made me a giving, passionate and hopeless romantic again. thank you for letting me love you <3 P, thank you. thank you for ruining my most innocent years. thanks for taking away my memories, thank you for exploiting and abusing me. thank you for using me for your * purposes and throwing me away. thank you for manipulating me. thank you for making my life hell (I didn't even know... I didn't even understand) thank you for giving birth to my most destructive beliefs: thank you for making me think that I am a victim. that I am a failure. that I am a toy. that I am worthless. that I am nothing. that I can't trust anybody. not even -or specially- not myself. you really got me there, for a long time. you have no idea, you and your (caring, loving?) vicious, sometimes knowing smile. thank you for breaking me. I mean it. you made me strong by making me weak. you built me up by breaking me down. you made me reborn by killing my heart. thank you. I wouldn't be here where I'm at without you. may you forgive yourself for what you did to me (if you know. I think you do) thank you for making me grow. thank you for showing me where love should go.

@haai14 I had strong negative emotions during my shroom trips. like really, really horrible feelings. but never during meditation. during meditation my most common negative feelings are boredom, loneliness, and agitation/stress. but usually very mild. everyone is weird, have you noticed? like, very weird. I notice it more and more, as I talk and write to people. everyone is just so different. but I love all that weirdness! @mk0998 thank you for your insights! would be nice if it really was the beginning of a metamorphosis... I am a bit skeptical because up until now, every time I made some 'progress' a huge backlash came in the way. it feels a bit different this time thou. I am kinda relaxed because whatever will happen, is exactly what needs to happen and will only be there to give me a chance for growth. I'm genuinely curious for what lingers around the corner

I just experienced one of my deepest meditation sessions. I just went with the flow, not using any special technique. then I started admitting to myself 'I don't know. I don't know how to stop thinking. I don't know how to be. I don't know who I am or what I am here for.' I admitted not knowing how to become aware, how to raise my consciousness. I surrendered control by admitting that I don't know how to do any of those things. and I kind of asked the universe to do it for me. to manifest itself through me. to show me how to 'be'. to lead me to higher consciousness and awareness. I felt a huge relief and deep relaxation. In the process I also admitted 'I don't know ho to love myself' I repeated that. I then truly realized how true all that was. I never really loved and excepted myself. I've always felt worthless and empty. I was a slave of my own perfectionism and ambition. I was never good enough. I didn't only look for validation and appreciation from others. but I also constantly had to prove my worth to myself. I've never loved myself unconditionally. I actually don't know how to love myself unconditionally. this realization was so deep, that I started crying. I just went with the flow, let the tears crack. then I felt like hugging myself mentally and I gathered all feelings of love I had in me and tried to surround myself with them (strange to put it into words) but it worked, I felt the love and I felt really safe then I felt a strange tingling, starting from the center of my head. it spread to my face, down my neck, shoulders, arms. down my spine to my abdomen. it felt like waves through my nervous system. like energy vibrating along each of my nerves. I also felt kind of paralyzed. then the tingling changed into something that felt like cold and warm at the same moment. It was as if I couldn't control my jaw anymore and my mouth opened and my face turned up to the ceiling. the warm/cold vibrations through my nerves continued for a couple of minutes. I was not afraid, I felt very safe and relaxed. the tingling was actually pleasant. it felt a bit like coming out of a cold shower and warming up again. but I was just wondering.. what the heck was that? anyone having similar experiences? much love <3

@zenjen hahah thank you for making me laugh out loud

@haai14 I've had some minor glimpses, all very beautiful stuff but it took me almost two years to get there....then some months ago a kind of snowball effect started. it really is a longterm path. it never ends, very fascinating. not a fun process? why do you think that? you want to experience something which really show's you where you are? something that can be a guide and teacher on your path? shrooms opened a lot of doors for me. also a meditation retreat. psychedelics and retreats are golden nuggets on our way! <3

@haai14 it was a mixture of feeling insects/snakes crawling, energetic sensations like electricity in the body and paradox feeling of hot and cold simultaneously. if it was something in kundalini direction, I guess it was a very mild form. I've heard about it before, seems to be a huge step towards enlightenment. I think I am far from that, but still cool to get smaller glimpses and minor insights/awakenings I feel like something has changed thou. I feel more safe and guided. I don't feel that strong need to change anymore. I don't feel pressured into working on myself in order to grow right now. I feel a kind of intrinsic motivation for enlightenment work. less purpose driven, more just for the sake of doing it thanks for sharing your opinion on my experience <3

nature is therapeutic. there is something magical about nature. if you observe silently, you'll notice. it's calm, self sustaining. it knows no past and no future. it's completely embedded in the present moment. it has no worry and no stress. it's silent. it's giving. siddhartha learned from nature, he learned from the river. we humans tend to think that we're smarter than nature. we exploit it, look down on it, feel superior. how silly be humble, let nature be your guide and teacher. I think there lies a deep wisdom in it, we just need to become silent enough to hear and see it again. again because we used to listen to nature much more. back to the roots, back into the woods there is a raw beauty in all of it. <3 nature is curative.

I've always had a fable for writing things down, for it is a very concrete form of self reflection. Whilst finding words for my feelings and thoughts, I also realize that they can never ever live up to what really is going on in my mind. That's scary. But also calming, because it makes me realize that in the very end - nothing REALLY matters - not the words that I compose and not the strange sensations in my head. writing it all down is liberating nonetheless. This journal is the map to my inner me. Piece by piece I want to flick it all together - or unravel what I think is 'me', not sure about that yet. The more I go on this journey though, the more I feel like I am not what I always thought I am. So probably the unraveling option. I'll keep in mind: there is the option to not find myself, ever. The option, that there is nowhere to arrive to. No 'me' at the end of the route. But it's not enough to think it, I have to experience it. (I always have to, I never believe what others tell me. I always have to live it myself. One of my biggest weaknesses. Maybe also one of my most precious strengths, I don't really know.) Maybe I'll find out.

@Nahm love spreading through my nervous system? I love the idea <3

@Nahm I just did the exercise. there is so much more in the 'belief' column than in the 'experienced' one. it wasn't easy to decide where to put things. at the first glance I tend to put things in 'experienced'. then I become unsure and change them to 'belief'. the whole thing made me really unsure. It made me doubt my own perception. I guess that's the point, huh? shattering my security about what I think to know.. thank you Nahm, great insights as always <3

everything is here to help me all that is, is exactly what should be. everything is here to help me becoming a better version of myself. it's crucial to keep that in mind. it's so easy to forget it in daily life. but it's crystal clear. why shouldn't it be? I'm a manifestation of the universe. the universe is trying to become fully conscious through me. emerging consciousness is the motor of evolution and awareness is trying to become aware of itself through every being. partly this is just another belief I have. but there is also a deep feeling of security there. something I can't explain in words. like a deep rooted trust that everything is going towards higher consciousness. also, looking back I can see it clearly: whatever came my way, especially the bad stuff which caused a lot of pain, made me grow. everything helped me growing. it all helped me becoming the person I am right now. the dark chapters in my life (x x x x..) are what shaped me the most. I would have never ever discovered actualized.org, self development, spirituality, yoga, meditation.. I am so thankful. thank you. <3 talking about butterfly effect <3 everything is here to help me. I just have to keep that present.

@Maxx @Nahm so it really boils down to dropping all beliefs, right? but how do you actually go through the process of unknowing? I started telling myself 'I don't know who I am' 'I don't know how to stop thinking' 'I don't know why I am here and why I do what I do'. but it's like deep down there is a very strong part of me that thinks to know all those things.

thank you emerald <3 yeah, I already cam to peace with me being completely contradictory and paradoxical. I realized this summer that there really are no determinate characteristics to pinpoint my personality

I guess it's hidden by layers and layers and layers of concepts and beliefs. and it's painful to go through the process of unknowing, because knowing gives us a false sense of security. it's like jumping down a cliff whilst taking away one security net after the other.

@Emerald oh, I see. yeah, it's probably easier to admire those aspects when we first externalize them. maybe because we are not used to love ourselves? maybe because generally we've been taught by society that it is wrong to 'flatter ourselves'. I don't know about anybody else, but I generally got the message that loving and accepting myself is a form of narcissism. I can see how wrong and damaging that mentality is now. but it's been carved into my subconscious mind by this goal/success oriented society since I was a little girl. so maybe that's why I need to project those aspects onto someone else first, in order to love them? thank you Emerald, you really got it there, completely resonates with me. I also always tend to imitate those figures. so is that ok? I just let myself imitate them, so that I can integrate those projected aspects into my character again? the difference now is, that I do all that consciously and try to stay aware of the process? it makes sense, thanks. your comments are always so insightful. you seem to know a lot about psychology

@Ilya I also have to deal with so many egoic desires: I noticed that I need approval and validation from others, I want to be loved ecc. It's crucial to not built up resistance to those wants, otherwise they'll become part of your shadow and grow like monsters judging those 'bad' desires and blaming yourself will just feed them. we need to accept those desires. tell yourself 'it's ok to feel this way' 'whatever I feel, is okay.' be kind to yourself <3 tell yourself 'it's ok' and then observe what happens. I've been trying this lately and it immediately takes away the tension of 'oh shit, I should x'

@Max_V yeah, self worth is a big one for me too. I am working on it thou.. well, that's an even bigger one. I imagine it like to lines, meeting each other in a circle: you experience true love as soon as you realize that there is no separate entity. and as soon as you open your heart to real, absolute, pure, unconditional love, you realize that all is one. we're in for a long journey thou..

this right here, I feel you. I feel isolated. most of the time I enjoy being alone, I love time to myself, so I can meditate, do yoga, work on the Truth. but sometimes it just hits me like a tsunami. I feel like the most lonely person in the world. like an alien. and then this strong urge to connect with someone on a deeper level, not even sexually. more like talking, sharing each other's deepest thoughts, holding each other and cuddling. where does this come from? is it all lack of self-worth and self-love?

I had this experience of 'I got it' and then 'it' slipping though my fingers like sand on a shroom trip. whatever point I reached, I felt like it went deeper. and deeper. it had no end. the trick is to not grasp onto anything (easier said than done, I am actually the queen of grasping onto things, being attached to knowledge) that's why I felt stuck at the beginning, I was looking for something to get, something to grasp onto. then I realized it was like trying to catch air with my hands. so I just let myself fall through everything that came, without trying to get it. without trying to keep anything of it. it felt like magic

hmm meditation=observing?

it's such an interesting topic. aging=oxidative stress. oxidative stress is caused through soo many different factors. food and lifestyle play a bigger rule than genes and environment. antioxidant rich foods (fruits, vegetables) help prevent aging. meditation lowers stress. when I take a deep conscious breath in the middle of the day, I can actually feel the tension and stress melting away. so I think we all built up stress unconsciously. it takes consciousness and awareness to relax and take the tension away. when I meditate I also feel the contrast between the calmness there and the stress during my daily life. so I guess the more you're able to expand your meditation into your daily life (like meditating 24/7), the more you can reduce stress and cellular damage aka aging.

I was so charged, I was so motivated, I felt like nothing could knock me down. now I am stuck in fish love. (at least I can laugh about the term 'fish love' hilarious!) I felt like being honest, wearing my heart on my sleeve. then, before I could gather the courage, words crushed me, little by little. Is it just fish love? is it just parts of myself being projected onto another person? I don't understand. I feel like I really made some huge progress in the last months. why does some stupid, shallow crush still hurt so much? I don't know what to do. maybe I feel to proud to let myself feeling hurt and sad. maybe my spiritual ego doesn't allow bad emotions. I know that in order to feel good, I have to allow whatever arises. maybe if I write it down, it helps reprogramming my subconscious mind. It's ok. it's ok to feel sad. it's ok to feel rejected. it's ok to feel lonely. it's ok to feel desire, to reach out to others. it's ok to want being held. it's ok to want being hugged. it's ok to want being loved. I don't know how to stop looking for validation from other people. I don't know how to stop wanting love from other people.

oh wow, I just realized that as I read your comment. thanks for opening my eyes to this new perspective. this is so true, I can see it clearly. I really do project parts of myself onto another person. my feeling of crush gets stronger when I think about them, when I get lost in thought stories. but of course, in those thought stories I actually virtually interact with myself. of course. when I talk to them in real life I often feel an incongruence, like a judgement 'oh, I didn't imagine them to be like this' 'oh, they should react differently' thank you emerald! it was actually clear the whole time: I realized this summer that I never fell in love with a real person. I always fell in love with a person I made up in my head. I always felt that incongruence in real life. It's so simple; that made up person is just parts of myself. but I never thought about it this way but why? why do I project parts of myself onto another person? why do I then fall in love with that?

you just described it perfectly @Emerald I've also been getting crushes since as long as I can remember back. as long as you don't get too attached, or don't attach any meaning on it, (although, that mistake must be made sooner or later and it can be a huge stepping stone for growth) it is a very uplifting feeling. so energizing! it can make you smiling like a fool and giggling like a little kid. just observe your feelings as they arise. I kind of have to follow my own advice there, since I've just got out of a huge story...very painful. I got so attached. but I think I just came at peace with it. enjoy the love @Spiral pick flowers, draw little hearts and welcome the butterflies in your belly (haha or maybe that's just what we do, I don't know what boys do when they have crushes)

I've been ignoring the importance and power of self acceptance for a long time. only lately I've recognized how crucial it is to integrate the shadow in the more loved aspects of my identity. this helped me a lot lately, so as I stumbled on your post about shadow work, I thought I could share it with you @zenjen