phoenix666

I'm at odds with myself. that's what creates resistance. if I could just accept myself fully each moment...love myself unconditionally from moment to moment...that would be enlightenment, union, all one, infinite love <3

time to admit something: fear and yes, I have lots of it. there is a constant level of anxiety in me, hidden beneath the urge to do stuff, to distract myself from it I've always seen myself as a courageous, fearless person. and in some situations I am. but one doesn't exclude the other, so I've learnt. during meditation unease comes up and I now became conscious that a good deal of that 'unease' is anxiety. it's always been very present in me, when I look back consciously. fear of not living up to expectations, of not being good enough, of being left. school generated a lot of anxiety in me. but the most shocking thing I've now discovered: all of those things are associated to my biggest fear... it's hard for me to even think this, writing it, saying it out loud...because I love him so much I'm afraid of my father. I've always been. every time I disappointed him, every time I did something 'bad' or 'wrong, every time I failed... I was so, so afraid of going home, of meeting him.. I'm so sorry, I don't want to point my finger at him, I don't want to make him responsible for all my problems.... but I've become conscious that to some extent, he is.. and I am so sorry, I know he didn't do all of that on purpose... but it hurts so much

I'm having kind of a rough time. but it's ok, I guess. I think I have to go through all of this. I have to go though all those repressed feelings during my childhood. a lot of stuff from earlier came up. the illusion of my idolized parents finally broke. I became conscious of what they did to me. and I am not accusing or judging them... I love them so very much. I see how they where just passing on their cycle of abuse. nevertheless, they did a lot of bad stuff to me. no wonder I don't have any self worth. no wonder I have a gigantic shadow that draws me into emptiness, depression and suffering again and again. I'm at odds with myself. I've always been. it's good to become conscious of all that stuff. so a lot of negative feelings will be waiting for me.. that's ok, I can handle that. maybe it's part of my journey of becoming whole again <3

@Nexeternity wow, thanks for sharing, I'm excited and happy for you <3

and that face when he talks about the awakened baby ?? hahahaha I love his humor, gets me every time... cause it's true he reads me like a newspaper I feel like his videos always appear at exactly the right moment for me <3 yeah, I hope so

this resonates with me a lot, specially with the kind of obstacles I've encountered lately. so precious, that's why I wanted to share it with you. maybe it speaks to some of you too <3 I feel like the contradiction only appears to be. paradox is all there is, and yet there is no paradox at all because in the end, all dualities collapse, reunite and become one (they always were and always will be) how would you reconcile this with other, 'traditional' teachings? I love Matt Kahn's embracing, heart centered and kind approach to everything

hihi, I was surprised too ^^ the shrooms were super, super dry and I think that flush was very potent (I usually don't get that deep with 1g) no, I'm still curiously waiting for my first 5-meo experience (I may be a little inpatient there ) but I've had several experiences with shrooms and AL-LAD, one with DMT and one extremely intense, life changing awakening with mother aya. I guess that all builds up. I've also been doing Kriya Yoga for the past year and daily meditation for the past 2-3 years. thanks for reminding me of how much my path has already unfolded <3

there is no path, but I'd be a fool to not walk it. this is it, this is what I've always wanted: oneness. this is what I've always been looking for, since I can remember the thought of 'I'. all my suffering stems from feeling separated, isolated, from the illusion of not being part of it all, but of being a separate entity. it means that my cells contain a long forgotten memory of truth: they've always known deep inside that unity is where we all came from. oneness is where we belong to. and where we merge back into. but we don't have to wait until we physically die.. we can die before we die. in fact, that's the purpose of being here, the purpose of life is to expand our consciousness. to merge back into oneness and to create a bridge between being everything and being 'I' that's how we can radiate love, live intensely, with awareness, with compassion. just by being and merging with unity consciousness again and again we can see through the illusion of separation. we can see god in everything and thereby awaken truth in everything. that's actually the way I can help others, by working on myself, by going inwards. that's what I've always been trying to do all along: I've always felt something missing in me. my vision was always clouded by a layer of suffering and the most horrible thing was that I didn't know where that suffering came from. my parents always accused me of being so 'existential'. my dad suffers from recurrent episodes of depression. as a kid I picked that up and just assumed that he passed it on to me. but today I know there is a reason for my suffering: separation. I've always attempted to 'escape myself'. I wanted nothing more than to be freed from my mind for even a little bit. to forget myself, loose myself. to merge with something bigger than 'I'. to escape that horrifying condition of being incomplete. that's why I loved to lose myself in fantasies... I dived into being someone else to escape. that's why I wanted to be drunk: to reach another state of consciousness where I don't exist anymore. (today I know that alcohol is regressive and the idea is repulsive to me) that's what I've been looking for all along in love, sex and relationships: connection, unity, oneness being someone is to not be everything. being an 'I' is to be separate from god. but even that is illusion. because even that is god. in fact, there is nothing that is not god. if something exists, it must be part of the absolute too. I want to build a bridge between 'I' and the absolute. I want to merge with unity consciousness again and again. feel it's healing energy flowing through me. I love that feeling of love expanding in infinite directions. and holy moly...it's infinite. ego lives in scarcity... but there is actually no limit, no end to god's love. so soothing. in oneness I feel whole, I feel perfect as I am. like everything else i perfect as it is. there is light and love in every cell, in every being. everything is holy and here to be embraced and loved I've also finally, finally forgiven myself for that thing....the thing that has seemingly ruined my life. the thing that caused all that shame and guilt and self hatred. it wasn't my fault. I didn't want that to happen and I couldn't have prevented it. at that time it was easier to think that it was all my fault than the scary idea of having no control over life. but today I know there is no control, I know that everything is here to help me grow. it feels so good to release all that guilt. I feel so light. more complete. more in flow. maybe I can finally begin to love myself <3 love is infinite and there is enough for everyone. and everyone deserves infinite love <3

to the right eyes, it really is <3 thanks for reminding me. you're perfect <3

this is so wonderful, let the domino unfold <3

time to come back, it's helpful to express my thoughts and emotions I've become conscious of a groundbreaking realization which shattered my whole world, me. all these years so many people have told me and I was so blind, I just didn't believe them, even got angry at them for saying things like that! how could they dare to criticize my parents? I blindly, automatically defended mam and dad. blind I've always been rather proud of myself for being my own master, for not believing anything without forming my own opinion, for questioning everything before adapting any belief. there I thought to be free. what a joke. I did question society, media, school, university, other people. but not my parents. I've been manipulated (not consciously I think, but nevertheless) I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like they shaped me. where do their beliefs and projections end, where do mine begin? it's slippery

of course, it was 1g of dried psilocybe cubensis thanks Lynnel! yeah, I just realized how much I miss to share stuff with myself here on the forum... so here I am again after quite some time thanks for your love and warmth as always, dear @Nahm <3

I like the term 'integrating' the ego more and more. feels like the more loving, embracing, feminine approach. as long as we secretly hold the ego as our enemy or obstacle to awakening...it will be ver, very hard to transcend it and merge into oneness. it's part of oneness. illusion is God too

I slowly start to see plants as the highest creation. we have to kill to survive, no matter how hard we try not to. all forms of live somehow have to. except from plants. actually, they're not a creation, they create themselves. they create out of air, sunlight, love. they live in stillness, meditating towards the sun. they provide us with oxygen and sugar, create entire eco-systems. they're holy

I resonate more and more with the embracing, divine feminine approach. everything is divine, everything is being and here to love, here to embrace. illusion is part of God. all of my thoughts are here to be embraced too. whatever comes up, is ok. whatever comes up, is perfect and divine creation. everything that is, is a manifestation of God and thus pure perfection. why? because it is. if it exists, it must be divine and perfect. why? because God is all there is. there isn't anything outside of IT <3

It‘s time for some yellow. Time to dive into some long forgotten wisdom. The wisdom of the voiceless: nature, plants but I Need some theory First, before I can hear their subtle voices .. time to become passioned about learning and discovering again

Oh yeah, that‘s exactly what I feel. The thing that almost ruined my life was also my salvation. Without all that suffering I wouldn‘t be on this path today <3 I‘m actually grateful thanks a lot Tsuki May you be blessed <3

the less I am, the more I perceive the more I empty myself, the more existence fills me

<3 in a world of endless questions love is the only answer - Matt Kahn

wonderful insight, Tommy I found that for me too. I've actually shifted my focus or lets say number 1 priority from awakening/consciousness to love in the last couple of months. higher consciousness and awakening comes with a heart-centered path, it emerges spontaneously when your goal is to love deeper and deeper thanks for your report, I enjoyed it ver much <3

how can I forget the Truth again and again? it's impressive. the self deception itself is pure beauty. so perfect and consistent. almost impossible to see through. almost.

instead of transcending and letting go, I've found in my experience that embracing is far more powerful. it's the more feminine approach, the more heart-centered way. I wouldn't go as far as to say that it works better for everyone..but definitely for me. maybe cause I'm finally integrating more and more of my feminine traits. I'm loving it more and more to be a woman and that's probably a big part of my integration process and spiritual journey <3

I want to be free - free from searching and wanting, free from the illusion of separation, free from feelings of loneliness and not being enough, free from the feeling of lacking something anything what happens when all of that falls of? utter, utter relaxation and relief, floating in space, dissolving into air and bliss just being, formless and light, free from the heavy burden of wanting and searching that's what I'm looking for. that itself is the obstacle. catch 22, what irony^^ at least I'm becoming aware of it

I've been practicing Kryia daily for a couple of months now and I sometimes get into very pleasant states of consciousness (not too often, but I always lighten up like a christmas tree when it happens.. I guess I'm still hunting experiences^^) I wanted to share what I've noticed and I'm curious to know if someone has experienced similar things. I've noticed a knot-like blockage around the area of my navel. sometimes I feel my breath flowing like a stream, but it usually gets blocked right there. I guess it means that I have some imbalance in my manipura chakra? could that be connected to problems with self worth? sometimes I get the real pleasant experience of my whole body lightening up. hard to describe: like a huge force of energy, like a lightbulb that suddenly sends warmth and light through my whole body (it usually happens during maya mudra or pranayama 1/2). someone experiencing the same?

@zunnyman you may resonate more with a more feminine or heart centered approach like Matt Kahn's teachings. they've helped me a lot in the past months. it's not about transcending and deconstructing, but loving and embracing, integrating the ego. I've noticed that this approach brings a lot more peace and warmth in my being. I still love Leo's videos and they're very precious to me. but combining them with Matt Kahn or Eckhart Tolle for example brings a lot more balance and tranquillity in my path <3 the most enlightened/transcended experiences during meditation and yoga for me have always come through embracing, accepting and loving