phoenix666

wow, you just opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. <3 thank you

oh, it's that time again. I feel this big cold emptiness overcoming me again. I don't know who I am and what I want. I don't know what I am here for. throwback. I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I feel so distant from anybody else. disconnected from everyone and everything. there is a hole in my I've been trying to fill my whole life. what is the difference now? now I am aware of the emptiness. I am aware of this hole I feel in me. I am aware of my need to distract myself from it. I don't want to run away from it. I don't want to neurotically try to fill this emptiness (and fail again and again, becoming caught in the endless cycle of distraction, pleasure und ego games) writing this down already helps. I know this is temporary. I am not my feelings. they change. this too, will pass. I am ready to observe in stillness. and I fully respect the power of sadness and loneliness. I want to welcome those feelings home. they're here to be loved.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29030624 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28677095 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27810345 such a fascinating topic. I'm sure there will be much more soon. science is slowly moving towards a paradigm shift <3

the concept of living in the present moment is part of the core of many, if not all spiritual teachings. if oneness, calmness, peacefulness and all those wonderful thing lie in the present moment, why are we so desperately running away from it? this question came came to my mind whilst walking through the woods: I noticed that nature is always present. always in the now. I became aware that my whole life, since I was a little girl, I've been running away from that. I've been hiding in fantasies about my past, my future, alternative universes. we is it so hard for us to just be in the now? why doesn't it come natural to us, if the key for inner peace lies within the present moment? much love <3

that's why most people don't go deep into Truth.. I notice more and more: people suffer and most of the time they don't even know it.. but I can feel it lately (I don't know why I suddenly started sensing their pain) suffering is what ultimately keeps pushing me back into spirituality

@Nahm yeah, I realized some time ago that food plays such a huge role. and I keep realizing its importance more and more. I see, thanks for your explanations. I think I understand it on a logical level. now I've got to experience it. I want to 'get it' on an empirical way, feel it. I want to unravel my web of beliefs, all my paradigms. your exercise will surely help me <3 I will continue with the list you suggested to eskwire, I miss some of those suggestions. thank you, I am so glad my journey brought me here <3

I know, just mental gymnastics. but this came to my mind lately and I thought I could share it with you. enlightenment is this one big thing all spirituality, religions and art is finally all about. there is no one way to get to it, there are infinite paths. (or all paths are actually one and the same) fully surrender, fully detach (and fully integrate), love, letting go, silence, no thoughts, separation from the self (and union with everything), death, rebirth, compassion, concentration, expansion. aren't those all different forms in which one can pursue enlightenment? there is no good or bad, we only project that categorization. but it's more enjoyable to walk the path with the just listed 'tools' nonetheless. I was just wondering, because in non duality opposites become one and the same, is it then possible to become enlightened through the opposites (the 'bad' versions) as well? that would explain why there are stories about people that suffered immensely right before they became enlightened. like didn't Eckart Tolle become enlightened out of extreme pain?

exactly what I am also trying to do. I try to expand being mindful beyond my usual meditation. I also try to observe my breath throughout the day. it's so challenging. I continue falling off track.. but you motivated me! now I know I am not the only one struggling.. we can do it! patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet

as I watch my breath, I fall of track. again and again. now I really get it: everything is a distraction. hell! what comes up as I observe my breath? that's the problem. I expect something big to come up. I expect something to hit me and blow me away. the problem: I expect something. what does actually come up? nothing. silence. boredom. emptiness. hell, have I been running away from all of that! it's all a distraction from that big, empty, boring nothing that arises. it's time to stop running. all those thought stories I've been living in, for years. (with the excuse that I have a very well developed fantasy and that life could never be as sweet as fantasies in my head) of course I lived in a never ending cycle of disappointment: life could never reach my perfect little fantasies. all those meanings and values I put on things. everything I do, just to give myself the feeling of worth. time to face exactly what arises. time to face nothingness. I will fail. ego doesn't like being empty and bored. but I will go back on track, as often as necessary!

@Nahm I started enjoying little things the last couple of months: eating in general, specially sweet fruits, listening to classical music, sunshine, rivers, trees, sometimes fantasies.. but I have to admit that practice yoga, meditation and mindfulness for their end result. at least when I started getting serious about them. I'm still a seeker. I'm still looking for something out there to reach..to accomplish. I chase peace of mind, happiness and enlightenment.. I noticed you write a lot about food. what exactly do you eat, if you don't mind me asking? food is huge for me. we are what we eat! I went vegan two years ago and I feel so good about this decision. live changing! I center my diet around fruits, veggies, (mostly whole) grains, nuts, seeds and legumes. 'wait.. what?' that. exactly. I had some of those 'what-the-fuck' moments during the trip. what is this? what am I doing? what am I actually doing in my life? can't wait for that real freedom <3 I already feel very different from the way I was even before this summer. I was always under so much pressure. I kind of sailed through the last exams so relaxed, like I knew that it would go well somehow. very untypical. yet, I still have this drive in me.. I still want to accomplish something. I still work on things whilst having this silly idea of 'there is something I will get out of it' so I hope I will experience real freedom and intrinsic motivation one day. I imagine myself doing everything for the pure sake of doing it. and being 100% present in whatever I do I asked myself questions like 'who am I?' 'what am I here for?' 'what is living, being alive?' during the trip. I had some deep experiences in front of the mirror. I will continue going in that direction, thank you.

@Nahm it was more a temporary feeling of insecurity that overcame me yesterday after I worked on the list. I felt unsure whether I was 'on the right path' (I know there is no such thing, but still) I felt disconnected from my past and from my friends. like something got lost in me: like I lost my motivation..or reasons to do things. I think it has to do with my last trip, where I suddenly realized 'shit, my whole life was a doing things for a reason.' I realized that I don't do things simply because I enjoy doing them, but because I want something out of them. very result oriented. I would like to go back to the way I did things just for the sake of doing them when I was a child around this subject I have a few things on my list that I had to put into 'belief': everything happens for a reason life should make sense everything is explainable things happen as a consequence of prior happenings there can't be something out of nothing value/meaning/worth my past I am here for a reason goals/there is always something to accomplish/reach models of reality enlightenment itself the uneasy feeling went away after I meditated. after spending a beautiful day in the mountains and wandering through the woods today, I feel much better. I think it's my web of beliefs slowly unraveling. like I said, I've been very result oriented and ambitious since I was a little girl. so I guess this journey will bring me some painful moments, stripping away all my motivations, values and my idealism.. thanks for your help, as always <3

@Shin you got me there. true. hahah thanks for reminding me. that's actually exactly what I'm trying to work on: starting to expand 'meditation, awareness and yoga' into my daily life. I am trying to practice mindfulness throughout the day.. it's so challenging thou..

@Leo Gura i will kick this stubborn mule of mine into motion! again and again! thanks Leo <3

@jjer94 I guess this never comes to an end. maybe endings are just an illusion. everything I've been viewing as an end has revealed itself to be just another beginning frustrating and fascinating.. but you seem to be on the right way <3 keep it up <3

@Leo Gura I see. thanks for the beautiful analogy of the shark moving forward. I've just been realizing this during my AL-LAD trip and today. I feel a bit lost now, because I realized that my whole life I've been chasing. I've been doing everything because I wanted something out of it. I've forgotten how to do things out of pure joy. I've buried the playfulness of kids under layers of goals and result-oriented seeking. It's true, doing enlightenment work seems to be a process of killing, bit by bit. How can an enlightened being function in society? or actually, I imagine enlightened beings managing that very well. to them it's probably sailing through in a flow state. all just a play with everything to win, nothing to lose. but on the way towards becoming unlighted, that's where it can become tricky and spirituality and society interfere. true, ego doesn't want it, I can feel the resistance and procrastination whenever I want to do enlightenment work. but there is also a part in me that really, really wants to discover my true nature. otherwise, I wouldn't be here..

@Nahm I tried this exercise once again, expanded the list and re-evaluated a few things. I feel strange now, not sure how. a bit lost. like I always had goals and securities. like I always did things for a reason. now I feel kind of uneasy, insecure, also a bit empty. I don't know whether it has to do with the exercise, or whether I feel that way independently from that.. @MiracleMan beautiful! so I guess the trick is to see through that illusion to be out of it.

@Nahm beautiful <3 so I don't get to the now by acquiring. but I get there by stripping away layer upon layer of belief? I just don't quite know how to then actually shutter my beliefs, in practice.

@jjer94 is that what we need to do? face all the 'dark' feelings and reactions we've accumulated over our lives? did you manage to? <3

@Wes Thoughts I wish that too. we have to train our awareness muscle! again. and again. and again.. @Shiva he gets a bit messy in the end, but I loved the beginning, with the difference between living for or in the moment. I think that many people get that wrong and get trapped into the pleasure trap. I was there too. so the key lies into accepting what is, he said? being in the present moment=accepting whatever arises? it's also on of those concepts I came across multiple times. letting go, dropping any resistance...those are all things I would like to work on.. @Dodo oh, this is ingenious! thanks for your input! mind is in the past a priori. awareness is in the present moment. I'm not my mind, I am awareness, ergo I must be in the present moment. I 'just' need to become aware of this. ^^ therein lies the most difficult leap. thanks for showing me a new perspective! thank you all for your inputs guys <3 very much appreciated <3

nature is a teacher we can learn so much from nature. silence, being, calmness. just being. nature is always fully present. we are caught by the past, the future or fantasy. yesterday I took a long walk through the forest and I could feel that we've been distancing ourselves from nature. I could see that pretty much everything in our lives is a huge distraction. it's all been a running away, it started when I was a little girl. but what are we running away from in modern society? what am I running away from? I asked myself that whilst walking through the woods. instinctively an answer came to my mind: nothing. at the beginning I thought oh, uff is that it? nothing? no answer? but no, I then realized that I was wrong. oh yes, that right there was the answer: what am I running away from? nothingness. emptiness. silence. the present moment. but why? why am I running away from that? that I don't know.. boredom? fear? if fear, what do I fear?

@Serotoninluv thank you for your detailed insights! you kind of put into words what I was starting to theorize from my still very humble and limited perspective. it happens when it happens. you can't force it. it is all the time. you actually 'just' have to wake up and see it. there are ways to increase the potential or chance for waking up, like contemplating, meditating, watching videos and reading books. yeah, psychedelics are like a trigger for a huge snowball effect, at least from my experience

sadness came up. I didn't run away, I just let it take me. I was lying there and just thinking overwhelm me, overtake me. it's avery strong force. it really is true, what they say. it calmed down and fades after a while of truly letting it in. I'll do this more often in future: when negative emotions arise. don't resist. welcome it. embrace it. let it overwhelm you. admire it's force. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person in the world. I will explore this loneliness in future. what does it want to show me?

@Lauritz my journey started a little more than two years ago out of deep suffering. I really was at at a painful place and one day took the decision to take life in my own hand. it was like victim mentality waking up and deciding to become a fighter. I kept forgetting thou. it then really started to change my life completely after a shroom trip last spring. that really made recognize the power of this whole work. the trip opened so many doors. I joined the forum, started meditating every day at least 1 hour and also went on a retreat. I really feel like something shifted in me in the last months. I've become a whole other person, even other people noticed it and asked me about it much more loving, calm and giving. I hope to expand in that direction even more, it really is a beautiful place to live life from <3 people on this forum inspired me a lot <3 also Matt Kahns teachings. but you do know now, don't you? that's all that matters I didn't know either. I just wanted the pain to stop. I would have never thought to become 'spiritual' and loving one day. I was a misanthrope. filled with hopelessness and hate. what changed now is that I don't look back judging myself. I'm not ashamed. I feel compassionate for my former self. specially on the AL-LAD trip: that really showed me how to love those repressed shadow parts of myself <3 wonderful so you have this permanently now? it's always in your background? so beautiful! I'll have to start doing some serious self inquiry as well..

well, that was quite intense and enjoyable. I took 3/4 of a 150microgram stamp - so I guess approximately 100 microgram of AL-LAD. I’ve had previous experience with trips, but only with mushrooms. so this one really took me by surprise: I didn’t expect a so called partydrug to take me this deep. and what surprised me the most: AL-LAD is very clean. so gentle, much less mindfuck and muddy than the shrooms. as I waited for the effects to come, I did some yoga. until I felt slightly different. very hard to put into words: everything was the same, but oh so different. like the external world was still the same, but my perspective on it changed. my thoughts went on: what shall I do? How can I grow? what do I want out of this experience? how can I use this? suddenly I just had to laugh. how sweet! I suddenly felt waves of adoration and compassion for my searching soul. and then I realized: this drive in me, this endless striving and looking for something. I am a seeker! everything I do is because I want something out of it. I didn’t judge myself for it, for the first time. I felt honest adoration for this goal oriented little girl in me. I felt compassion for me: yes, I’ve been feeling like something is missing my whole life. everything I ever did was to feel validation, love and worth. I kept embracing and loving that striving part of myself until I burst into tears. it felt good, I felt my heart melting I once again had to face the fact that I didn’t know how to love myself. I’ve been running away from that my whole life, looking to get this love and affection from others. I realized I could only ever get it from myself. I think this little magic stamp showed me how to love myself. and that I can. I was lying on my bed, just being there and feeling my emotions. until there was no one lying there: I didn’t remember who was lying there (already happened once with shrooms, freaked me out that time) this time I was quite cool with it. I just thought yeah, what do you want to show me? Where are you gonna take me? I’ll come with you. I’m ok with everything. just bring it. I had moments where I thought about friends/people in my life and I felt like I was them. hard to describe it. I just stopped being separate from them. wonderful <3 I had moments of what is this? what’s actually all about? I need to figure it out. and then laughing: oh, sweetheart, nothing your mind could ever wrap its head around. and I realized: this will never be over. it will go on and on. no matter what you find and grasp, there is more and more and more. it’s never ending and so abundant! I had moments that where like slaps in my face like shit. what the hell am I actually doing? all the things in my life, all the importance and value I give to certain things..what is it actually all about? I felt that everything was absolutely worthless. but it wasn’t nihilist negative thinking. it was more a wow, I need to slow down. give more value to what really counts. what counts? I don’t know! but I think it’s the feelings I have…for me and for others. love? compassion? I had a crazy experience where I was quite happy and relaxed, lying there with a bis smile, floating through my thoughts. shifting from on person to another. and suddenly I felt something in my lower belly: like a slight hurt. now here it gets a bit scary: I suddenly felt like a mother. I felt like an african woman that just gave birth and I saw this baby in my hands, so tiny and fragile. it was just skin and bones. it didn’t even look human. it lacked everything: water, food, shelter. I think it was on the verge of dying. it looked into my eyes and in that moment my heart broke. I felt so much pain and overwhelming love for this little innocent creature. I took it into my arms and cried. (what the fuck are we doing? what the fuck am I doing? all whilst things like that happen every moment?) huh, that really humbled me down this happened multiple times: as I stood in front of the mirror I asked who am I? and then my face started morphing. at first it was always undeniably my own face. but different versions. ugly, dirty, evil ones. also loving, caring and beautiful ones. different personalities. ok, I can’t point it down to one character. I am many. I felt fractured. I told every version of myself in the mirror I love you. also to the most ugly and horrible ones. at one point the faces in the mirror stopped being mine. I went through what felt like hundreds of faces which morphed into each other. I didn’t know who they where! at one point I thought maybe my ancestors? I felt some resistance to male faces. (maybe I don’t fully embrace my male characteristics?) eventually I surrendered. it sounds crazy, but suddenly I realized. ancestors, me. it’s all the same. a knowing smile crept on my face. pure awe. I am human! I saw an african woman with scars on my face. then I saw cleopatra and einstein (don't ask, I really don’t know why) and then…. I saw buddha. his gentle, loving, knowing, compassionate, soft smile. he was me and I was him. no male, no female. just a compassionate smile. what if this is it? a life for others. a life of service. happiness in others makes me laugh, makes me shine. my heart beats for others. I am truly happy when I forget myself and completely merge with what I do for the wellbeing of all creatures. hahah talk about psychedelics and god-complex (I am buddha) but it’s not like that, it humbled me. now I would really like to take all this love, compassion and desire to serve I felt during the trip into my daily life <3 sorry if it got a bit long, but I could go on and on rambling. it was so eye-opening. thanks for reading <3

I've tried different techniques for months. I managed to become lucid three times. what surprised me: it was spontaneously. it was those nights where I didn't try, I didn't even think about it. frustrating in some way, but also funny I'll give your technique a try!