phoenix666

my attitude has changed completely. now I see where my misanthropic mindset I've been holding for years came from. I was rooted in self-hatred. I'm not shaming myself for that anymore. I can see where all that hate and mistrust come from. I forgive myself for all the self-loathing and hate I projected onto humanity. my innocence was hurt, I had (sometimes still have) an issue with lack of self worth. it's time to heal. when I stopped hating myself, I stopped being a misanthrope. when I started accepting myself, it was suddenly easier to understand people and their 'bad! actions'. I'm not yet at a point where I completely embrace and love myself unconditionally. I've had a glimpse of that unconditional love during my AL-LAD trip. it was heavenly. it was so powerful. I want to get there, I want to embrace myself fully and I want to feel unconditional love for humanity. it's not that I am naive. I simply stopped seeing people as 'evil'. I'm less and less judgmental, probably because I'm in the process of accepting myself with no judgment. I can see that my past 'bad' actions came out of deep suffering. I was desperately trying to fill a hole I felt in me. I was desperately trying to be happy in a world where I didn't even find myself worthy of living in. I think that people's 'evil' actions come from a similar place of suffering. as I forgive myself, I forgive others. oh, and wow. it's awesome: it really is an inner game. I slowly start to get the thing with turning inwards and Let him that would move the world first move himself. what I resolve in me, changes the way I see people and the way I interact with them. <3

@egoless there is only one way: let's find out ourselves <3

I stumbled onto this path because of suffering as well. I slowly came to the realization that nothing I thought I wanted actually made me happy. everytime I lost track of consciousness/spiritual work, it was suffering that pulled me back into it. lately I feel some sparkles of curiosity that motivate me, but it's still mostly through depressive states of mind: loneliness, the feeling of being lost and of emptiness.

I still feel like I have free will as I go through the day. but when I get more conscious, I can see through the illusion. at least little glimpses. I truly am a machine. I'm cool with it. If I don't have free will: I will consider it right now: it would have scared me shitless some months ago. now there is something that I didn't have before: trust? faith? I feel a lot of sadness, loneliness and emptiness lately. but I start getting comfortable in it. I started seeing the 'good' in everything. 'good' is such a 'bad' word (hahah) let's say I started recognizing the divine in everything <3 if I don't have free will, then something bigger must be at work. something divine must work through me and everyone else. so whatever I do, whatever people do, it's ok. things will work out. have you noticed? they always do, somehow. like magic. whatever I do, whatever people do: it's the divine acting out, interacting with itself. it shows me the way into growth. I just need to see it. am I aware of the divine?

I went for a walk in nature and tried to stay aware of my breath. I can only say: training. training. training. patience, patience, patience. not a problem, I can be a long term thinker. I can be anything! I had a few little moments: a dog passed by, a smile crept on my face and I felt waves of adoration towards that little creature. people passed by, I gave them warm smiles. (they came intuitively) a woman was actually screaming into her phone, in the middle of an argument. she looked quite a bit... I felt so honest compassion. I blessed her with 'may you be calm, may you find your happiness' in my head. suddenly the autumn colors of the few remaining leaves seemed more intense, I looked up and actually had to stop to admire the sky. that deep blue took my breath away. so intense! with the contrast of the leaves. <3 wonderful! my life is becoming simpler. I do less and less. I do things slower. A year ago I would have considered a life like this as quite boring. I actually think it's satisfying. calm and slow. I still get rushed moments, but they become less frequent.

the subconscious mind is always winning, yes. and it will never tell us why it does the things it does. the question is, will we surrender to it? will we fully commit to it? <3 I feel you, specially the part about your boyfriend. I had the same dilemma last spring.. a part of me was actually relieved when he broke up with me. follow your heart!

<3 to say it in Matt Kahn's words whatever arises, love that.

I went with 'mostly good'. but I wanted to specify: I had some really bad moments, which later on turned put to be the best teacher ever. <3 so in my humble opinion, there are no bad trips if you bother to integrate your experience afterwards.

hahah lovely <3 so here I go.. with a pinch of trust..

@Max_V I actually cried when he died. (in the book and in the film) he was all about love <3 great character

oh my god, reading your words make me so excited! I want to get there too.....

Albus Dumbledore

huh, I don't know anything anymore. I feel confused. I'm not even sure how I feel at the moment. as soon as a pinpoint it down to an emotion, it dissolves. something is missing. yesterday I watched people drinking and dancing and a deep sadness overcame. I felt the suffering of everyone. I think they don't even know that they suffer. they think they just wanna have fun, but they're really running away from their suffering. but is this really true? or am I just projecting myself onto others? maybe they do it for fun. maybe they are happy. I'm so unsure all of a sudden. how can I not even know how I feel at the moment? sad, lonely, disconnected. it disappeared and it came again. waves of melancholy continue overcoming me. why? it's all here to help me grow. suffering is what brought me here. suffering is what kept bringing me back on the path. maybe there will be suffering for as long as I think that suffering is necessary for me to seek the Truth? oh shit, I feel like I am slowly losing myself. I'm a bit afraid. I'm afraid of losing myself. this sentence. the shrooms told me this, repeatedly. is this what's supposed to happen? am I supposed to lose myself? what does that even mean? is there even someone to lose in the first place? who? what is there to lose? I don't know. I'm crying right now. it's not that bad. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. isn't that with every emotion? no inherent meaning to it. we attach all sorts of things, labels to it; good, bad. no such thing as categorization exists in nature. it all just is. my mind is so deep into conceptualizing. I've just adopted everything culture served me. I slowly start to see the incongruence between my mental concepts and reality. I can't even look at an object without projecting my thoughts onto it. I can't even observe a person without projecting my beliefs onto them. I already feel better now after writing. huh, is this normal? to change emotions so quickly? I feel unstable. not even that. somewhere deep inside me there is a trust that everything is here to help me expand my consciousness.

it's all inside. not the circumstances, but what you feel is the point. everything is here to help you grow, becoming the best version of yourself, you just need to open your eyes to it.

@Leo Gura I have to agree with you there. specially about studies being extremely unholistic. I see that in lectures at university as well. that's one of the biggest problems of modern medicine alongside financial interests, pharmaceutical companies, ecc. I've been trying to reverse the whole process of science over the past year: like zooming out and getting a big picture of overall health. of course I could be wrong, but I've come to the conclusion that a whole food plant based diet has so many benefits. it all makes sense in my eyes. many spiritual teachers also lean towards a vegetarian, or even vegan diet. science starts to go in that direction as well. it's like they all come to the more or less same conclusion. I can also speak of personal experience. I feel so much better since I've started centering my diet around whole plant foods. I am curious where all of this will lead us. given the environmental problems we have to face, we'll almost be forced to move towards more plant based diets..

@Leo Gura about the eskimo paradox.. https://nutritionfacts.org/video/omega-3s-and-the-eskimo-fish-tale/ the longest living population are (were? not sure, they've been pretty westernized lately) the Okinawans with a diet that is based 96% on plants. (fish, meat, dairy, eggs less than 1% each)

I just have to update. I didn't run away. I faced it. even jumped right into the arms of my 'bad' emotions. tried to sense: what does it actually feel like? like what is it, actually? (what is bad anyway?) 1. insight: bad. that's our huge problem. society demonizes bad emotions. we're told 'not to feel bad' 'oh, don't be sad' and the worst 'distract yourself' hell no! shit! we've got this all wrong! I don't blame anyone, the intentions are good, I can see that. it's all about wanting to help. but it's all backwards. emotions don't disappear when we demonize and fear them. they won't disappear when we run away fro them. or worse, repress and deny them. resist them and they persist. all backwards. it's counterintuitive. (ironically, it now just got intuitive for me, hahahah opposites really are one and the same, I see it more and more) face it. all of it. whatever comes, take it all in. whatever arises, embrace it. love it to death. 2. insight: it unravels right under your eyes. it dissolves into thin air. it's all flux, this too shall pass. everything comes and goes. welcome it with your inhale, say farewell with your exhale. it all changes. what I see, feel, hear, sense, smell, taste. no moment is the same and therefor just here to be loved, enjoyed. was it the writing down? the reading trip reports and inspiring concepts on the forum? the facing my 'bad' emotions? the exploring the depths of my loneliness? I guess all of it. whatever arises, live it fully.

definitively! psychedelics really made me think: what is life actually about? like, what am I doing? what do I want to do? less mind, more feelings. I definitively live more based on intuition now. I think meditation and yoga helped me with changing my patterns in the long run. but psychedelics are always like a huge stepping stone.

wonderful. so inspiring <3 reading your trip report just made me very excited. I'll check out Tycho!

here it is in me again. I saw my ex walking in front of me, holding hands with his new girlfriend(?) a wave hit me, cold like a winter day. there was that loneliness again. I am not in love with him. I think I never was. not romantically. I didn't feel anything when he told me that he had cheated on me. I didn't care. but that was just sexually. pure physical. now I saw him in close embrace with another girl. that did some things in me. it was nothing about him, I realized that. it was more like: maybe he found happiness. maybe he found his soulmate. maybe he is fulfilled now. and me? at the end of the day I am alone. nobody to share my life with. no one who holds me. I won't run away this time. no distraction, no games this time. I want to explore this feeling. what is it? loneliness: cold. empty. crushing. dull. like something is missing in me. there is an infinite hole in me, it keeps opening and sucking me in. on the other hand. I want to be alone. I don't think I'd want a relationship. I would just like someone to hold me from time to time. someone to talk, to share moments with. to share my happiness and my deepest emotions and thoughts with. intimacy = in-to-me-see why do people leave me? I know it's my biggest fear: that there is something wrong with me. I don't fit in. I'll never find anyone to be with. I'm just too fucked up and weird. sometimes I feel like an alien. disconnected from people.

<3 you're so sweet! thanks for your words, they make smile. what a motivation! it comes in waves. it's such an up and down. trust, consistency and vision are golden. the fruit of bitter patience is sweet! thank you <3

@Hsinav pecans are even better from what I've heard. I personally prefer walnuts though. they taste so good

the more I walk this path, the more caring I become. I've stopped hating myself and beating myself up. I started accepting my self and also loving myself. in the process I became loving and caring also towards others. I've never been more giving and this honestly makes me happy. seeing people smile makes my heart flutter too. two weeks ago a friend thanked me with 'I would have never managed this without your help'. it was one of the deepest joys I've felt in my life. I just feel this urge to help lately. I think helping others is a huge point for living a fulfilling life <3

huh, I just noticed once again - I am a machine. Ouspensky didn't lie. I am a result of everything that happened, of all the stimuli that entered my nervous system. with time, mechanisms as a reaction to those startet to form. I am a result of conditioning. it's all habits and patterns. as soon as I snap back into a mindful state, I can see how much of my life runs on autopilot: everything I do, I say, I think, I decide. I start realizing that nothing of that happens under my free will. so how does this all work? is everything that happens supposed to happen? what is it that wants to come back to mindfulness? what is it that makes me focus on my breath? awareness wanting to become aware of itself? hahaha awareness wanting to become aware of itself. this makes me shiver and laugh. I know this sentence.. I came across this sentence repeatedly during my trips. I wonder what it means. I have to admit, I don't know. I'm not sure of anything right now. maybe my sense of knowing starts to unravel. maybe my web of beliefs starts to break down. I don't want to be afraid of not knowing anymore! I actually want to get mindfucked! I want my beliefs to break down like a house of cards! Leo made me so curious. I feel a desire for mindfucks. I want my entire paradigms to be put upside down!

I too, had some pretty intensive waves of sadness and loneliness overcoming me in the last couple of days. didn't know what to do with my life and feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. they disappeared as soon as I surrendered to them. write down how you feel, it helps releasing the feelings. don't run away from negative emotions. embrace them and they too will pass <3