phoenix666

just wanted to share some inspiration with you! <3

back to your breath, back to your roots, back to your base. again, again, again. slow your breath and relax into your body. it's not that hard after all. don't beat yourself up when you catch yourself being unaware. celebrate that you noticed it! when you're unaware, you're unaware that you're unaware, per definitionem. compliment yourself, you came back to being mindful, you came back home <3 be gentle with yourself.

this. <3 I felt the exact thing on my last trip. I knew that it would change, that I would 'go back to baseline'. it made me sad for a moment. then I got that very strong feeling, like a certainty that something in me changed. a truth that cannot be unseen. <3 thank you for the wonderful report, amazing!

struggling with this as well. and yeah, the mindful labeling technique has been rather helpful. it builds up the habit to just spontaneously interrupt your thoughts with the small aha moment oh, it's just thinking. that puts distance between your awareness and your thoughts. it's slow and subtle, takes a while to built up the habit.. I also found that slowing things down and focussing on my breath helps not getting lost in thoughts. I've always considered myself a thinker, living in my head..so I feel you! we need to keep practicing <3

why is all the loneliness creeping up again? what is it, actually? it's cold, a feeling of distance and of being alienated from others. disconnection, separateness, isolation. it's strange, because people around me seem happy. or at least quite ok with their mainstream lives. they study, play video games, watch TV, interact on social media, eat bad food, gossip, get drunk at parties. I lived like that too, it destroyed me. it became so bad, I had finally had to change something in my life. sometimes I think: why can't I be satisfied with that 'normal' life? why can't I be ok with living like the average westerner? then again, what is normal? why have suicide/depression rates never been so high? this isn't leading anywhere good, I've experienced it myself. I have to keep reminding myself of it. but then, why do I feel lonely, empty, sad and pissed of again?

on my last trip I had a huge insight about how it's my own beliefs that hold me back. I had glimpse of how I can be everything, if i only stop thinking that I am any less than it all. I saw that I still have lack of self worth, I think I am not worthy of enlightenment, divine consciousness and love. for a moment I let all those limiting beliefs fall, I just thought I'm it, it's already in me. I'm worthy of love, I am love! I felt how I'm already it, I'm just not aware of it is actually true. it was just a tiny glimpse, I know. but it was very powerful. I'm know back into 'normal' consciousness. how can I transcend my own limiting beliefs? has anyone become aware of them and somehow overcome them?

@Ether how long did it take you to establish that pattern? how long did it take you to spend most of your time being aware of your breath? I've been trying for weeks, forgetting again and again. looking back I can say that I didn't really try very hard. like I didn't try my very best.. maybe your success story con motivate me

@Ilya awareness is curative have you noticed your pattern dissolving as soon as you become aware of it?

the voice of your intuition is always there. it's just very silent compared to everything you surround yourself with. we're so overstimulated in today's western society. I found that by reducing those external stimuli (Leo's video Lifestyle Minimalism should help you there), the silence expands and the inner voice of intuition becomes louder. it's more of a feeling, not really words. ask yourself: when you think about something, imagine a scenario. how do you feel then? how does your body feel? what emotions arise? that's how you know. psychedelics also invited me to ask myself what life is actually about. the made me reconsider my values! good luck on your journey <3

neurotic and painful, exactly what it feels like! can't wait for it to become more integrated into my subconscious. can't wait for awareness doing me

@Shin sadly most psychiatric conditions are cured with meds in modern medicine..

@AleksM I'll check it out, thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience! i'm actually trying the 'being aware of my breath 24/7'.. but it's so hard. hahaha I keep forgetting. again. and again. and again. I kinda feel a bit neurotic doing that during day to day life and sometimes it just gets really, like really boring. but this only tells me that it's worth while! it's huge, that's why it's difficult I guess!

hahaha reminds me of some comments I got: wtf, you don't drink alcohol? but you take magic mushrooms and LSD analogues? you must be crazy! hamster in a wheel? bullshit, I'm totally happy! if I only got.. uff, when did you become so boring?

how many of my choices come from a place of love and compassion? Most of my choices run on autopilot. that has become quite clear to me over the past weeks. so they come from my thought patterns, ingrained in my subconscious mind. I already shifted my unconscious from depression, anger, victimhood towards acceptance and compassion. I want all my actions, words and thoughts to arise out of love. how do I ingrain that into my subconscious mind? self love. the psychedelics showed me how, right after I admitted that I don't know how. it's this inner child I feel love for. it's this little girl, naive and innocent, curious to explore the world. I will try to keep that image in mind and let the emotions run through me (that's when I really feel love and compassion) I also want to face whatever arises. I know I'm repeating myself.. but it's crucial. and I keep forgetting. I keep running away from things.. it's so sneaky, it's ingenious! what do I run away from? boredom. loneliness. emptiness. sometimes sadness. face it. look it right into the eyes. let the emotion devour you.

@Colin thank you, I will try and include it into my meditation habit <3

@Joseph Maynor hmm, good question. I don't actually know. I guess the state I'm in most of the time, feeling and seeing myself as a separate entity? I know in theory that all beliefs are false, but I can't feel it, or at least I'm not aware of it most of the time. thanks for your input <3

are you aware? or are you going through life on autopilot? the next step is to expand mindfulness 24/7. AL-LAD showed me how to observe my body and my breath. I'll just have to be patient and train my awareness muscle. as you go through your life, try to sense: how does my body feel? where is my mind? what emotions do arise? ask yourself again and again. until it becomes natural to remain aware.

yesterday during my second AL-LAD trip I had an heartbreaking experience. I was in the midst of a shiny scene, very fancy and caught in abundance and consumerism. there was a scene with women on a catwalk, wearing the craziest, most luxurious clothes. suddenly everything changed and I saw a little creature (I think it was a mink) crying in pain. it was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen: it's skin had been taken off, it was white, covered with blood and red eyes, it's mouth wide open, crying. the shriek sounded human. it was like a punch in my face! I felt so much pain. then I felt really happy that I haven't been eating meat for two years now. I don't think I'll ever go back. there must be a reason why spiritual leaders/sages tend to move towards vegetarianism or even veganism. how can you kill sentient beings out of pure pleasure (because we don't need meat) once you've realized we're all one?

100 mcg AL-LAD I’m quite confused, I’m still trying to sort it all out. it feels like I’ve been through a lifetime of experience in the last couple of hours. no words live up to it. it really is so big, that whatever concept you create, it’s restricting it. as soon as you name it, you confine it! I really do struggle to articulate my journey rightnow. and not because of my not so glimmering English, it really is a lack of Truth in language itself! the whole journey felt like it was split into different chapters, I’ll just let my thoughts flow, in no particular order. for quite some time I didn’t know whether I should keep my eyes closed or open. I wanted to close them, but was afraid to fall asleep because I was lying comfortably on my cushy bed. when I closed them, it was like the whole journey starting, different scenes playing out. I was worried to miss something: if I close my eyes, do I miss reality right in front of me? if I keep them open, do I miss reality inside of me? an insight came up: whether it happens in my head or ‚for real‘…does it really make a difference? like, really? how would I know? fact is, I don’t. at some point I asked myself: how can we even communicate? we throw words at each other, it doesn’t feel like we even understand. like really, how can we? words don’t bring it, it’s something else, it’s the feeling we emit. are you sensitive enough to feel? or do you rely on the words? I want to listen to people. how? I think it’s not about hearing what they say. rather: how do I feel? what do I sense in my own body as they talk to me? that’s connecting. connecting: how could I be so blind? for so long I thought humans to be hateful and ugly. I am no angel, hell, I am part of it all! am I ready to forgive myself? like fully? not just accept my past, but take it into my arms and love it? this is so powerful. I see the potential. it really is an inner game: if I love my ‚sins‘, I’ll be able to love humanity fully. I can see through all ‚evil‘ actions. what’s behind it? hurt souls, so much suffering lies underneath. and people addicted to mobile phones and internet (myself included)..that’s a desperate cry! they’re reaching out for each other! I am afraid to miss something. took me a while to get what exactly. I am so afraid to miss life itself! do I? do I focus on the right things? again and again, a question (icy goosebumps and the feeling of the floor under my feet taken away): what is it actually about? what am I actually here for? not sure if I know the answer. my body came up with something: it’s feeling. when I looked into the mirror, the same thing as last time with AL-LAD happened: my face kept morphing into different people. I continued asking who are you? the answer: morphing. change. flux. nothing I could hold onto. I suddenly was very unhappy with my body. I looked at it, it continued changing. I felt like doing some simple yoga. it helped. insight: I’m so tense! I’m so little aware of my body through out the day. yoga is helping though. I want to feel more into my body during daily life. food. it started breathing, it was beautiful. the colors <3 the broccoli, a piece of art. so bright, full of energy. my body craved fruits most of all. I see it as a sign; let my body decide what to eat. I live so much in my thoughts, it’s incredible. thinking over thinking over thinking. and the best part: thinking my mind has it all figured out! how cute! what do things feel like? when you do something, when you eat something? how does your body feel? what emotions arise? deep inside, you already know. your body is so smart, there is inherent intelligence to it, let it guide you. trust yourself. and then again, don’t trust yourself, thoughts are deceiving! love that paradox! are you creating your own reality? it felt like the psychedelic asked me how I wanted my character to be. I honestly answered: I want to be loving, caring, humble, wise, mindful, helpful. I want to become a sage! maybe I’ll never become one, but I’d like to transform myself bit for bit towards being more loving. then I had an insight: I’m limiting myself with my own beliefs! thinking that I am any less than pure divine creation! less than perfect! that I have to work so hard, change myself to become enlightened! (I can see the practicability of that mindset, and I’m back into it) for a bit, I just surrendered: that’s it! I’m it! I’m worthy! it was like one door opening after the other! one jackpot after the other, infinite winning. what changed? nothing, but absolutely everything. for the first time I got that it’ s already there, I’m already it. I’m just not aware of it. now some darker chapters: sometimes I felt fear creeping in. I continued forgetting who I was, I identified with some people I know. I can’t explain it: I just was them. and then a slightly panicky question arose: wait, what the hell? no. that’s not me. who? are you losing yourself? what does that even mean, losing myself? oh, so many things I don't know.. then I saw different versions of myself. I felt my personality splitting into different characters like I know from dissociative identity disorder. I also sensed something dark.. something that may have happened in my childhood. (I already had this feeling during my last trip). just a weird feeling in my body. I think that maybe something happened. something sexual.. and I think someone I know did something to me. this would also explain my rather strange sexuality.. I also saw some disturbing pictures about poverty. first everything was shiny, there were colors, music, clothes and fancy gadgets. suddenly distorted sounds, horrible cries. and I saw that contrast between my life in modern society and life in a third world country. it brought tears into my eyes. it humbled me, something in me broke and compassion shined through. I had to ask myself again: what is life actually about? <3

meditation=observation, more specifically: self-observation. being aware of my body, my thoughts, my emotions, generally of what I feel. it's as simple as that. I can see why the ego doesn't like that. it's so simple. a rational mind can't accept that something as simple could lead to THE Truth. Truth is so huge, its path must be complex, rough, challenging. the ego loves challenges. the more difficult, the better. it's going to be torturously simple, nothing to do, nothing to accomplish, nothing to figure out. how fucking boring! ok, I'll just be honest about stuff: how boring. this simple idea of observing....not actually doing anything... it's such a torture. compared to the juicy stories my fantasy makes up. I get it, I get why this is so hard. it being so simple is the exact reason why it is so hard. what about this boredom? where does this come from? how does it actually feel? usually I feel it arising, then awareness packs it's bags and my mind runs off into fantasy land. right into some juicy romance/hero/success story. I'll have to dwell in this boredom. observe it. let's see if I find the patience to do so.

how do I become more aware? I want to practice being aware of my body of my thoughts of my emotions how do I feel in my body? as soon as I become conscious of my body I notice tension. relaxation comes through awareness. tension is passive unconscious autopilot, relaxation is becoming aware and slowing down. slow down, observe your every move. move with gentleness <3 what about my thoughts? they've definitively become more positive over the last months: no fear, no victim mentality, no self-pity, no dwelling in old stories, no hate, no anger (or at least, much less). they are still very much in fantasy land though... fantasies about love, romanticism, sometimes a bit about success and career. me being a sage, me being wise, loving and caring. (oh yeah, the ego just loves that) why those cheesy fantasies about fictional relationships? did movies, series and books mess me up? why do I crave romantic love and intimacy so much? a part of me thinks that will satisfy my needs. thinks it will fill the hole in me, make the loneliness and emptiness go away. a part in me is doubting that. I don't know. how do I feel? huh, this one is huge. sometimes I don't even know how I feel. that's how unaware I am. half of the time I don't even know how I feel. here, there I go, there I said it. I don't know how I feel. does it really take those huge, sharp attacks of sadness, angst, loneliness, anger or any other kind of intense emotion to wake me up? to make aware of how I feel? I want to be aware of calmness, stillness, serenity. I know it's all there. I just have to become aware of it. I want to raise my level of awareness. I'll keep up my practice.

it's probably not everyone's path. but maybe sharing my story can inspire you. it generally got better with experience, specially since I started practicing meditation, yoga, mindful breathing.. but what really helped me the most, was a mushroom trip back in spring. it helped me realizing that the reason behind my nervousness was my identifications: I identified with being smart, a good student and with being successful in my future career. during the trip I forgot everything I was: I didn't know who I was anymore: no successful student, no future doctor. nobody! I just didn't know. I forgot my future and my past. that's why I used to be so nervous! it wasn't just grades, it was about my identifications! it was literally a matter of life and death. (I realized that later on, after contemplating my experience with the shrooms.) I am so much more relaxed now.

@Nahm I believe that breathing air is keeping me alive. how do I detach from that belief? how do I experience otherwise?

who would I be without my story? I don't know. i honestly don't know. I want to become a vessel of love, compassion and service. If I picture myself that way, will I become it?

@egoless but thinking about it won't take you anywhere. it's just more theorizing. I only know that, not even my life, but my whole perspective on the world has changed since I've been on this path. so even if this is all just another trap, and of course, I have to take that in consideration, I still am happy to pursue enlightenment. until now it really has shifted my life from hate, depression, judgement, self-loathing, victimhood to acceptance, love, service, humbleness and calmness.