phoenix666

I feel like I am slowly slowly accepting myself. that's true growth: inner change! nothing needs to be changed on the outside. nothing needs to be forced and fought for. and Leo was right. it's not shiny, it's not something people will immediately notice and compliment for. it's subtle and slow, so very slow. and so subtle, only few will notice. but it feels good. it's freeing. changing the circumstances is glorious, loud and proud. inner work is silent. also it's not for others, it's for me. I'll be honest: it's hard. the mind resists it. I know why: it's not about doing (the mind wants to do). it's about being: it's boring. let's be honest. but sometimes, sometimes it becomes so calm and peaceful that I feel the love. sometimes it's sweet like fresh fruits in summer <3

@Nexeternity you are wonderful! <3 and you're not alone in this, remember that <3

stimulation = distraction we're constantly bombarded, and it's getting more and more in modern society. everything is fast paced and instant. no more stillness, no more patience, no more silence. it's counterintuitive, but I think that happiness lies in the opposite direction. not in all the pleasure society makes desirable. that's short sighted. no conspiracy there, just people trying to be happy. (and not knowing how) I've been there myself. still am, sometimes. but I start to know better, I start to become wiser. how I want to start the new year: meditation yoga contemplation and self inquiry minimalism simple life nature dwelling in silence, peace, stillness and calmness breath present moment food: the simpler, the better green tea <3 books it's not about perfection. it's about trying, giving my best and progress. it's not about being better than others (I almost stopped comparing altogether, I'm so happy about that). it's about creating a better version of myself day by day.

what if: thought is a sense if thought was a sense, why would I be so dumb identifying with it? I can see things and I don't identify with them after all. I hear, touch, smell and taste things and I don't identify with any of them either. yet it is so difficult to draw the strict distinction between 'me' and 'thoughts'. I get sucked into them again and again. they generate fantasies and seduce me until I get immersed and completely lost in them. using some simple logic: I can perceive my thoughts. I can watch them. how can I be my thoughts, if I can watch them? so I cannot be my thoughts. who am I then? am I the one watching them? am I the one perceiving them? am I the observer?

I made a huge leap after a mindfulness/silence retreat. supercharged my motivation and awareness. also psychedelics gave me a huge kick in the ass those are the glimmering highlights, the motivation and the fuel. the actual power lies in patient, daily consistency.

what do you really want? Leo was right. I spent half of my life chasing things I thought I wanted. only to discover that those things didn't do it for me. they didn't make me happy. didn't satisfy me. in fact, left a lingering aftertaste..of emptiness. I actually want to be happy. unconditionally. I want to be satisfied. unconditionally. I'm not sure I'm 100% clear what that actually means. I want to be the kind of person that people look up to. not because of what I reached or did, but for the way I am. I would seriously like to become a sage. I'm not sure what that means either. but I have some ideas in my mind: that's what I imagine myself to become along the way: loving and caring. unconditionally, loving and kind to everyone. everyone is worth my love and compassion. wise (there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom): I would like to give good advice to people who ask me for help. calm: I would like to be so calm and peaceful, that people calm down themselves in my presence, so that I can make them feel better. I would like to be a good listener. I don't really know how to embody that image. fake it until you make it? acceptance of my current way of being? self love? for now: the vision is more important than the how to.

@BobbyLowell I feel you, dear. still struggling with it. Matt Kahn from True divine nature has helped me a lot though. try watching his videos on youtube <3

what if you tried to concentrate/focus on your breath?

you recognize fear as an act of love, beautifully put

you're on the right path. how do you know it's true? it scares you to death! I'm so excited for you! keep going, but give yourself the time you deserve. be kind to yourself <3

@Joseph Maynorbeautiful! I'd guess you're a musician yourself from reading your words I'm just an avid listener... playing the piano must be wonderful!

I expected it to be twisted, murky and mindfuck like my past shroom trips. but it was more like a very, very deep relaxation. I felt at peace with everything, with the world around me and most importantly, with myself. for once, nothing to change. it is perfect the way it is. do you see it? <3 insights: music and overall environment are very important. sounds influence our mood so much. music opens the gates of our emotions. throughout the whole experience I listened to lovely Erik Satie, I think it was part of the reason I felt so at peace. when I closed my eyes, I could see the sounds. (I think this phenomenon is called syensthesia?) every tone had a special color and shape, it all moved, interconnected and played together with the slow rhythm of the music. I could not only see, but actually feel the music. I realized how much it influences my mood. I could literally feel my emotions, mood, relaxation merge with the music. I will listen to music more consciously in future. what happens around us has a big impact on our inner world. decide wisely and consciously what you surround yourself with. what do you eat? what do you see? what do you hear? over time, all that shapes you. I have a lot of thoughts. I was at peace with it. thoughts are not my enemy, my mind is not some big evil I wanna fight. I still have a lot of questions, but I start coming at peace with them being open. for once, there was nothing to ask anymore. nothing to figure out. it just is. right now. nothing I wanted to achieve and to hold onto. everything was perfect the way it was. it was one sweet moment emerging out of another <3 I hope that can inspire some of you guys! thank you all, you keep inspiring and motivating me <3

@Shanmugam thank you, I will. I'm actually reading one of Osho's books right now! what a coincidence.. or maybe not

inspiring! congrats and thank you <3 what was the single most powerful tool on your journey? (just curious)

tensed and a bit stressed, read your post and slowed down. now I'm focusing on my breath and relaxing into my body quite well, thank you!

I noticed that I've become much more calm, serene and aware. and I just realized that I slowly let go all my stress, anxiety, anger, regrets, expectations and a lot of judgements. thanks for making me think about this, I wouldn't have realized it

happened to me as well this summer when I was in a really good flow, meditating a lot and practicing a lot of yoga. I would like to get back into that state. but no, no magic pill for that. just hard work, patience and practice..

I feel quite ok now. but yet, the flow I felt this summer disappeared. autumn has been quite rocky, with a lot of 'negative' emotions. lots of loneliness and emptiness. lots of unfulfilled desires. what do I actually desire? I want love, I want happiness. I want to feel joyful and at peace. I want to really feel grateful. I want to be calm and loving. I want to be needed and loved.. I want to connect..with people, nature and myself. but I also had some great moments: the magic of helping others <3 the joy when people thanked me <3 the taste of unconditional love I've felt on AL-LAD <3 what changed since summer? I already know it! I became lazy. meditated less, let stress overcome me. stopped taking things slow.. tried to do 'normal' things again, tried to live like my friends do. it didn't work, now I know. lesson learnt. I hope. back to basics. slow down. breathe deeply. relax. practice yoga. cultivate awareness and patience. meditate. contemplate. write your journal.

so beautiful! I wish you all the best with your practice <3

oh, and a little input <3

what do I actually want? I sometimes seem to forget. I get lost in things that are supposed to bring me where I want to be. where is that? I want to be happy. I've always wanted to be happy. I just never knew how. and for a long time I didn't even realize that's what I actually wanted. I've been trying and trying and trying. I've always been looking for something. that thing being happiness and fulfillment. every time I thought I got it, it vanished. every high was just the beginning of an even deeper low. took me quite some time to realize that I was trapped in a hamster wheel. a vicious cycle of consumerism, self loathing, victim mentality, drama and pleasure. with the best intentions, it took me deeper into hell. I was suffering. I don't judge myself for it, I feel deep compassion. I just didn't know better. but I think now I do. I want to be happy. in order to find what makes me happy, I first had to realize what doesn't. that I have. next: what makes me happy? helping. loving. caring. compassion. truth. passion. art. connecting to people. listening. awareness. mindfulness. relaxation. curiosity.

sanity and madness go full cycle and actually become one I experienced that on shrooms. it was both horrifying and, after surrendering, one of the most wonderful moments of my life <3

your fears literally dissolve as you look them into the eye. you seem much more mature <3 face what you need to face and love whatever the psychedelics dig up. AL-LAD also seemed more gentle and clean than shrooms, at least in my experience. let us know, would love to read about your experience <3

it's definitively an opportunity for unconditional love I'd say <3

wow, beautiful insight there! letting go is an ongoing process, it never stops. you'll probably have to get that insight again and again I'm excited for you!