phoenix666

@MaxV thanks for sharing your experience! @Max_V hahaha I noticed as well, I first thought it was you

I've been asking myself this question as well lately. I think there is -like to many questions- no right answer. it really depends on the situation. and things are in constant flux, so it probably also works differently well depending in which stage you're at. I noticed that I have phases in which I feel a desire to connect to people and also one in which I turn inwards

oh, I almost forgot one of my biggest fears: the crippling fear of not knowing. I want to be honest. my whole life I've been hearing people complimenting my intelligence. that was my single most important source of self acceptance and self image. I identified myself with it. even though I was bathing in self pity, victim mentality in self loathing, I always had this image of myself as a rather special, smart and very intelligent person. my curious nature led me to a lot of reading, which resulted in a not so bad equipped package of knowledge in a rather broad spectrum of different fields. how proud I was (still am, can't lie about that) this was taken away from me. AL LAD made me face one of the biggest fears: losing my intelligence. losing my head. running around in circles, not knowing anything at all. literally not knowing anything anymore. not who I am. not what I am doing in life. it wasn't pleasant, it wasn't solved with a nonchalant 'letting go' or an elegant 'surrender'. it was more a fight, a matter of life and death. it felt like dying (of course, now I get it: I identified with my knowledge and intelligence. as it was taken from me, I felt literally like dying) I was suffering and shaking of fear. not only in my mind, I felt the horror in my entire physical body. dying also felt physical. I am not my knowledge. I am not even my intelligence. I still partly identify with it. but I've won some distance. the real power is not in knowledge. it's in the ability of being completely at peace with not knowing. very scary. ego doesn't like it. not knowing is associated with people ignoring me, not caring about me and disapproval. where does this identification come from? I think from school, teachers and my parents (generally people) always admired my so called intelligence. I connected it with love, validation, attention and admiration and usefulness. It made me feel useful, needed, it filled my life with sense and purpose. of course my ego latched onto it. I have to show myself that I am much more than my intelligence. that I am worthy and lovable independently from it. that's unconditional self love.

@star ark something in me doesn't like this, it's ego right there! when ego shows resistance there is probably some truth in it.. it's humbling. but be careful about assuming other people's lives are anxiety and pain free. I sometimes fall into this trap as well. keep in mind that most people won't show you how they really feel, some aren't even aware of their suffering because their all wrapped up in distractions.

I started eating with my left hand to eat slower years ago. it in fact becomes a more mindful activity, since you have to focus on it more than usually. thanks for the idea, I'll try this in other activities as well

something in my head opened up during my meditation sessions today. my head felt like it was expanding. it became very still and wide. a little insight: I can't force this, it doesn't happen under pressure and expectation. it happens under circumstances of relaxation and letting go. as soon as you enter a state where you meditate for the sake of meditation. just for the sake of the thing itself. you don't get to decide. it opens when it's time to open. your job is to build up the awareness, in order that you become mindful enough to notice it as it happens.

@Ruby White seems reasonable. specially the third one. money seems to be the number 1 force in western society right now

I just came back from my 2. silent/meditation retreat. it's precious to meditate everyday. slowly, it builds momentum. it raises our awareness a little bit, day by day. that's a good base. but once in a while we need to spice it up with some serious quantum leaps! that keeps our motivation boiling here some insights: I'm on the right path. (not that there is one). happiness is truly found within and it's unconditional. how to find it? we never lost it, we've always had it. it's under layers and layers of beliefs and distractions. how to reach it? unravel the web of beliefs, free yourself from distractions and raise your awareness. a pinch of trust: it's there, I just have to become aware of it. There is no path, but only a fool doesn’t follow it: meditation, awareness/mindfulness, yoga, clean diet, kindness and compassion, self love and a simple life. I'm living in phantasies most of the time. I live in romantic thought stories. there I said it, no shame, no guilt (working on the no guilt part). why? I seek validation, attention and love. nothing wrong there. but it's not found outside! the important thing is, to become aware of these mechanisms and automatisms. I was such a happy child. everyone says I was a real sunshine. somehow it got lost on the way, or rather I forgot and became a misanthrope. I identified with that role for quite long. I bathed in self hate, victimhood and suffering. I suddenly remembered how to laugh again. about small things and sometimes even about no thing at all. and that's it, that's the beauty: I don't always need a reason to smile. it can just happen. that's unconditional happiness. there was a lot going on in my early childhood: I slowly start to become aware of my patterns. it's in the way my parents and my grandparents brought me up. no shaming, no guilt, I'm not pointing my finger at them. it's just how it is. they love me, I know that. they gave their best. nothing but their best. but it explains my 'bad' patterns: competition, restlessness, guilt, shame, never being good enough and a lot of fears: of abandonment, loneliness, disapproval, emotional coldness, of being ignored. how to free myself? shine the light of awareness on those patterns: when they happen, notice it. don't fight it, just notice it and watch it (without judging it) two travelers come to a new town. before entering, they ask an old man sitting at the entrance the first one: "how are people in this town?" "how were they in the one you're coming from?" "very loving and caring." "then they'll be loving and caring here as well" The second: "how are people in this town?" "how were they in the one you're coming from?" "oh, horrible. selfish and hateful". "then they'll be selfish and hateful here as well" knowledge through learning. understanding through contemplating. embodying through living. I will try to integrate everything. nothing can be lost. I hope this can motivate the one or the other to stay on this path. I know it's not easy. there is so much resistance sometimes. but watch this resistance! it's without substance. watch it dissolve right in front of your eyes. keep going and spice it up with a retreat! much love <3

@Joseph Maynor do it! it's most direct way to focus inwards

I ended up facing some of my biggest fears, which I didn't even know I had. fear of other people's judgement and disapproval being different, the odd one, the black sheep and general of being weird (something I sometimes even get a hint of satisfaction and proudness out of) losing my mind, becoming completely crazy (whatever that means) and having a psychotic breakdown losing myself (I continuously heard that sentence, it made me shiver) not sure what that means either. isn't it what I want as well? doing something wrong, living life the wrong way and missing something dying they're mostly inter-wired. there probably is no way around them if I really want to stay on this path. one day I will be ready to face them, I know it will be worth it. I already did a great job, I surrendered to all of it. there was massive resistance, suffering and tearing apart at first. but in the end I surrendered. I'm curious whether this little breakthrough will show in daily life. I'll try to stay mindful. today I still felt different: I did things more slowly. I tried doing one thing at the time and I didn't get lost in thought stories that much. integrating is the most important part! does change your daily life? does it change the way you (re)act? does it make you more loving and compassionate towards others?

@Ruby White I rarely drink bottled water fortunately and I mostly try to stick to whole foods.. thank you! I wonder why they add it in the first place.. if it really helps against caries, certainly it would be enough to put it into tooth paste? I've never really researched into this.. at university they still praise it as anti-caries and for bone mineralization..

@Ruby White thanks for your suggestion! you'r probably right about the nasty shit... but at least the fluoride content should be ok, they don't add any to the natural occurring..

@Joseph Maynor I got the impression of shrooms being more murky, muddy and also more mindfuck. but great teachers. they show you exactly what you're doing wrong in life

how is it with fluoride in tap water around different countries? like in austria and italy? does someone know? I also use fluoride free toothpaste. but I still drink tap water..

aww, my first Leo video as well. how much things changed.. how much I changed.. and you can notice a huge development in Leo as well, I love it that we can see his consciousness expanding!

@Lauritz I don't know if it was guts, I was not really prepared for something like this. it had lots bad trip vibe at the beginning.. until I surrendered. thanks though yeah, it strips you of everything you thought you know. and it is very physical. I knew that I've always given a lot of importance to knowledge. but it totally blew my mind how much. we rely so much on our beliefs, mistaking them for knowledge. specially with our current educational system and science based society.. @Ruby White I've always suspected to belong there.. now I know

to nicely wrap up my silent retreat I decided to take 1,5 tabs of AL LAD. and oh shit did I wrap up. or rather, it wrapped up me! my mind is still buzzing and it’s all to big for my little mind and my poor language. this seriously fucked me up now. wow. what did I think? meditate here and there, go to some retreat, take some psychedelics and then I’ll figure it all out? write it down for a nice little trip report? it was all different. it took away the ground I was standing on. I suddenly didn’t know anything anymore. I mean it, I didn’t know anything anymore. in a very visceral way and it was mortifying. I thought I’d lost it, again and again. it was a big series of mindfuck fucking me over and over again. every time I felt like grasping something, I was left with nothing once again. it’s too big for me. with what arrogance I started into this.. I repeatedly thought: who let this little idiot play with psychedelics? who would let her do this? who would let this little kid on a journey to discover herself? like a was a little girl, getting herself in trouble and doing things wrong. and I felt like that again. I live in my own mind, in a fabricated web of beliefs. not even that! they’re not even my own beliefs! I felt generations of guilt and shaming. it’s a heavy burden this catholic religion, let me tell you! I felt my grandparent’s suffering. and bless them for giving me their very best. I had a very honest and interesting experience with my mum. I suddenly realized how much pressure I put myself under. I give and I give everything that I have and I feel like I am never enough anyway. it left me crying. then I merged with my mother. I was interacting with myself the whole time. the pressure didn’t come from my parents, it came from myself. I felt enslaved by my fears (there I was being all sure and grounded, thinking I was fearless): fear of death is real! I’ve never felt it before. and I mean it literally! I died in the process. maybe some day I can articulate it better, for now it’s all I have: in the process, I had to give up myself. the beauty is, there literally is nothing to give up, no self! I am a strange loop, generating myself. I am reality interacting with itself in every moment. I am it. reality is doing me, the whole time! again and again. it was infinite. infinite moments giving birth to infinite moments. it just flew through me in a huge torrent. it left me trembling, speechless and completely in awe. I just laid there in my bed, unable to move. it felt like dying again and again. it is here, happening in each moment. but it’s so huge it would kill you. that’s why it’s ‚hidden‘ behind layers of distractions and beliefs. it has to! I’m still awe-struck. watching Leo’s video about strange loops the morning before tripping? do it, but be prepared for some serious mindfuck. but who am I fooling? you can’t be. you’ll never be! it’s not something you gain and then you have it. it’s it doing you,. and you have to give yourself up again and again. I’ll try to integrate my experience. it’s all so big, but I now know that it’s all in me. we all share it, each in his own bubble. sometimes a bubble bursts and reality streams in. but there are more bubbles. there are infinite bubbles to burst! it never ends! Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. be kind with yourselves <3

at the beginning it was mostly suffering.. the insight that I was in fact suffering and the desire to escape the hamster wheel of wants. (which is itself paradoxical ) once you get a taste, you develop a genuine curiosity and love for the beauty of paradoxes negative, external motivation becomes intrinsic one <3 at least, that's what I see in me

@snowleopard when you turn out to be one of those impossible beauties ..

@Leo Gura can't wait for more bursting bubbles. there is fear in me as well though. something also told me to stop seeking, stop asking. I guess it's a trap? (but let's be honest, I wouldn't stop, I'm a sucker for such paradoxes!) also thank you Leo, you've been a huge inspiration for me!

too much too fast. it's what I wanted and it's wonderful. I love the challenge, I bit the bullet. time for grounding. I need to clean up my life, it's that simple. it's easy: when It's time to eat, eat. when it's time to meditate, meditate. when it's time to learn, learn. one thing at the time. be kind. (to yourself or to others) for once I can really say, it doesn't matter. it's one and the same <3

@nightrider1435 yeah you say it I think it swept me away so thoroughly because I was still at a more open, mindful and aware state from the retreat. my mind was calmer, distractions at a bare minimum. it practically left me laying there to be cracked open! more like eyes popping outside, wrapping around themselves and turning back inside to see their own back, peering through their own lenses. that in an infinite loop my head is still buzzing, thanks for your words!

@Lauritz so glad it motivates you! good luck on your retreat <3 can't wait for reading your experiences <3 @Nahm you always infect me with your posts <3

thank you so much @snowleopard! eloquently? feels more like so huge, intricate concepts which just won't fit into any words. you made me blush I'm glad that you liked it, a pleasure!

@SOUL toad smoking dreamer, love it! I agree, and Leo's signature, or rather Socrates says it too "Let him that would move the world first move himself"