phoenix666

the first step is becoming aware of things. shining the light of awareness on them is already curative. meditation does that, it's very powerful! that's change from within, inner growth. I'm happy for you!

@Max_V pretty intense. very emotional, touching. it made me think of suicide as well.

<3 that's what I try to imagine when it's hard for me to understand my mother's tendency for overprotection

I almost forgot one of my biggest additions. sneaky! speed (fortunately not the chemical) : doing things fast. being effective and productive. checking the time and not to 'waste' any of it. (what does that mean anyway?) I come from a family which values hard work, effectiveness and productivity. I grew up in an environment where doing was put over being. if not worse, the concept of being not even existing, not even being a thing. but it's ok. my grandparents and parents didn't know any better, they did their best, with all their good intentions and love <3 now I know being is not only a thing, but the thing. multitasking. this being another side of the same coin. effectiveness and productivity. giving my mind something to do and giving my ego a sense of value, a sense of purpose. and of course distraction. the more I do at the same time, the less I am focused on being aware of the present moment my homework: deceleration. doing one thing at the time. focus. doing things slowly and in a mindful way. starting with the very little things: eating, preparing food, cleaning, putting my clothes on/off, walking, listening, just sitting/lying. yoga helps with this as well. practice being. I find more and more: less is more

sometimes to value something we need to contrast it with its opposite - at least, that's what I found out for me. I get a really good kind of excitement about life when thinking about death.

I know this very well. I used to feel that impulse to jump whenever I was somewhere high up or looking down from a bridge. I still feel it sometimes, but now more because of the exciting feeling of being alive I get immediately afterwards. I also know that impulse to hurt someone. It happens with people I have a strong connection with. it's scary, I've often asked myself why I get such ideas..

distractions they come as sweet temptations. the problem is: they are everywhere. and the wear deceiving masques. they seem important, high conscious, noble and sometimes (the trickiest of all) even fulfilling. they come as friendship, love, hard work, career, studying, art, passion. the key is not to abstain from all that. it is true that I am addicted to distractions. and that those distractions keep my mind busy, my ego alive and empowered. they keep me on the doing rather than on the being side of life. I know that there is nowhere to go, nothing to reach. it's already here, right in me, I am it. I've seen it, felt it. (my last AL- LAD breakthrough) but it's covered by layers and layers of distractions. I am not aware of it. I am caught up in distractions. things I am addicted to: my phone (internet, messaging to people) books and reading in general stories (in books and in my head): mostly about romantic love, success and sometimes about sex. lately also about being a sage knowledge. this is huge. holy moly was I scared when I lost it logic and concepts thinking. of course huge. maybe the biggest. food and drinking (water) moving (SDS kills me every time) my computer: googling, reading up on things, researching, this forum other people: validation, appreciation, love and attention communication music yoga and meditation. even those are an addiction. I sometimes try to weasel myself out. I buy excuses and postpone it. but in the end I usually just do it. if I don't I feel like I've missed something. the key is not to abstain from all that. it makes me human and my life rich: passion, compassion, serving, socializing, creating, life purpose, relationships. the key is to become aware: I am not doing all of that just for doing it. I am actually looking for fulfillment. the key is getting that there is no happiness to be found in those things. true happiness is not found externally. true happiness is found within. all this is just a bonus, an ornament. a celebration of life. in becoming aware of my addictions, they lose power. in becoming conscious of the fact that none of those things ultimately keep me satisfied, I slowly get to the true happiness: unconditional.

everything going full circle - again and again. I seem to find this theme everywhere I look

it's one of the insights I got on the last silent retreat. isn't it the essence of zen buddhism? it's so simple that most will neglect its importance. “What is hardest of all? That which seems most simple: to see with your eyes what is before your eyes.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I also think 'where the fuck have I put myself into?' sometimes. but then, when I see how people around me which everyone would consider 'normal' live, I am quite happy to have stepped out of that! it seems more and more that they're really the crazy ones..pissing their lives away like that. running around in circles and giving meaning to destructive things. selfactualizationcity <3 it would be wonderful. I imagine really deep connections!

@Girzo maybe they're going to open his eyes one day, you never know. I think lots of people came on this path through psychedelics wonderful, that about authenticity and honesty! <3 I have in fact been more open about my spiritual work and general my inner world in the past weeks. it feels liberating. but I am nowhere near ready to tell my parents about psychedelics let us know how it went if you tell them!

I was quite caught up in my thoughts and phantasies today. not as mindful as I was in the last two weeks. I think it's a little ego-backlash. of course, I didn't expect anything else. it got really I nice kick in the ass on the last trip. it was a small ego death experience. that's clear for me now. I struggle to remember exactly.. but I know that at some point I just knew that I was about to die. life was taken away from me and I was scared to death. literally. and then I surrendered. I just let life slip through my fingers. of course my little ego is coming back full force now. fantasizing about romantic love and success. I have to remember: my ego is not my enemy. it's just afraid, I have to calm it gently, not to forcefully kill it.

@Girzo alright you cold, non-reactive bad boy chapeau, seems like you escaped quite nonchalantly. I could never tell them. I don't think they would understand. I told some people who I considered to be quite openminded and they didn't react badly.. but not as open as I expected them to. the stigma is huge. telling my parents would complicate things. they'd try to control me and wouldn't trust me anymore. but that's my situation.. I don't know about yours. but think it through..you can't take it back once you tell

@Shanmugam @blazed too many posts I would have liked. but Leo's right. it's a small ego death. a very small one, like a kick in its ass.

I also think that Jesus was enlightened. the problem is, that like in every religion, his followers misinterpreted his words, way of living and actions. his insights got distorted in the process of trying to write down the uncommunicable Truth

wonderful! thanks for sharing your experience! how did you manage to stay cool when your parents came? I was always alone when tripping and yet I felt a bit paranoid.. one of my biggest fear was them catching me in such a state. that what you wrote about bubbles <3 I had that experience as well!

so I'm not the only one seriously suffering under the loss of the reputation button? when you want to judge a comment and Leo has taken your favorite button away..

@Moritz wonderful, thanks for sharing your experience! everything Nahm wrote is gold. yoga and a clean diet are also very important. we are what we eat good luck on your journey Moritz!

@Annetta absolutely. we wouldn't be here trying to explore our inner world and higher consciousness I have so many things in life that I am passionate about and I love the way the deeper you go, the more you see how everything is connected - the big picture. I also like the holistic approach.

@Annetta @Monkey-man INFP as well here. seems to be quite accurate from the description..

I think they are a mirror to our subconscious mind. they enable different parts of the brain, which normally are not interacting (at least not consciously), to communicate with each other. since we are in constant flux, every trip is very different. it's the result of uncountable stimuli influencing neuronal activity every second it's such an interesting topic! hopefully science will give us some interesting insights in the future

I love this definition or rather explanation of the essence of yoga <3

@Max_V it's all you interacting with yourself anyway

The aim of zazen is just sitting, that is, suspending all judgmental thinking and letting words, ideas, images and thoughts pass by without getting involved in them. the simpler the task, the more difficult it is for the mind. the ego wants challenges and reward.