phoenix666

@Stoica Doru that is beautiful! it's like I get it on a logical level, that everything is exactly as it should be. everything is here to help, everything is nothing but I chance to grow, to expand. the question is, how aware of this are we? I feel like I do not embody that fully - yet. my thinking knows it. but my consciousness isn't feeling and embracing it yet. hopefully it will some day!

shame I noticed that my dreams seem to follow a pattern. they're full of negative emotions that I rarely feel when I'm awake these days. mostly emotions I've struggled with in my past. some emerging patterns in my dreams: shame (the most common one) being lost, losing my orientation and my mind, not being able to 'function' left alone, more general being left by people I love being ridiculed by people I love being lonely fear, just general anxiety. sometimes I don't even know what I am afraid of. or things that just seem ridiculous afterwards why do these emotions keep coming up in my dreams? they remind me of my past. they caused a lot of suffering for a long time.. only now I realize how much better I feel now, almost 3 years into my self help/development journey. thank you so much! I feel grateful for that day when I hit rock bottom. <3 but why do I keep dreaming that negative stuff? is there something unresolved in my past? there is always something, I guess.. shame. why? is there some aspect of myself I do not accept yet? there are probably more than just one. I need to be aware of my standards. (my? or where do they come from? are they actually mine? I don't think so) my standards: being good (what the heck does that even mean?) I guess being a good girl being smart, intelligent to know a lot, being intellectual to be beautiful (skinny) to be fit being healthy being straight (oh yeah, I think I haven't solved that one yet..) being normal in general. now this one is huge. being appropriate. what does that mean? being intelligent and intellectual comes from me I think. my dad influenced me a lot on that though. he always wanted me to be the best in school. he rewarded every good grade. I could do anything I wanted as long as I was the best. that fed my ego... a lot. I still like knowing things. I get anxious when I don't know things. being beautiful and specially being skinny: my mam.. she puts a lot of value onto what she would call 'beauty' (being skinny and chic, wearing nice clothes) it's so external. I'm actually quite happy with my body now. it happens more and more that I see myself in the mirror and just get a nice warm feeling. I feel love and compassion for my 'little me'. insecurities come up when my mum says that I am fat..and she does. she criticizes my belly and my thighs. I get very self conscious after that, every time. being normal, appropriate and a good little girl. I think I got this values from my religious grandma and my mum. I don't blame anyone here. I know they just wanted the best for me. I know that they themselves suffer under those implements. they themselves are trapped. I now get the chance to escape, because I finally found out to be in a mental prison of standards and expectations! this is my chance to break free: first I must see that I am in a prison: I do. I feel ashamed because I don't fulfill my conscious und subconscious standards what are my standards? more importantly: what are all my subconscious standards? don't judge. I don't need to change. I just need to become aware of my own mental patterns. <3

Italians be like

what I want I don't really know yet. how I want it, that I know. then I learned that the what isn't that important. it's the how. how do I experience things? how do I perceive things? it's all a matter of awareness, that's clear to me. that's what I have to work on. I still have some external goals.. and I feel that the reasons are getting less egoic. (am I fooling myself? probably. sneaky) I feel like I'm acting more and more out of love. maybe I am really fooling myself. but I hope that one day I will act purely out of love. I want to be a healer. not just a doctor, or surgeon. I would like to approach people's health more holistically. it will be a rough path. but I'm motivated. I recently discovered a new passion. I found out that I love plants. plants are magical! so much healing powers in our small friends! nature is magic!

@onacloudynight wow, thanks, that motivates me a lot! congrats on your discipline, now enjoy its fruits! I will hopefully update with my progress as well in future.

@Girzo you know I actually thought 'me thinking and writing about this is mental masturbation' when I wrote my post? everything is we're so lost in it.. but at least we keep noticing it more and more @onacloudynight I will continue with both too, yeah. I guess my intuition will be strong enough to guide me one day. I'm really excited to give this kriya thing a go! thank you!

hei there just started with the book and my practice yesterday. I'm excited! what do you guys think about the author's tendency to kind of fall in the same trap as the schools and teachers he himself is criticizing? I get the impression he has fallen into the trap ''Kriya = the only Truth", disregarding all the rest. he is disregarding other meditation techniques as 'wandering thoughts', or in Leo's terms 'mental masturbation' I will continue my Kriya practice, but I will also go on with regular meditation. I simply don't feel that as lost time, wasted hours like the author is kind of implementing. what are your thoughts about that? I wish you all the best with your practice <3

@Monkey-man I'll try to do that when I get the chance again (hopefully) thank you! @Okaythen wow, that was quite some stuff you wrote there! thank you very much for your time and effort. took some time to read through everything but yeah, I don't want to overload my big ego with too much stuff simultaneously. specially since I began with my Kriya Yoga practice yesterday and I'd like to focus on that. there must be a reason Leo recommends it so strongly and I wanna find out I might try that tibetan inner fire meditation as it resonates with me most. let's see what time brings. thank you!

it happens quite often that I feel general coldness or warmth during meditation. but today it was slightly different: it wasn't a general sensation or like a wave of goosebumps. it was more a concentrated point from wich it radiated to the whole body. it all began with rather chaotic sensations which I could describe as energy. (I feel that quite often lately) and suddenly I felt like a single pointed, concentrated heat in my chest. it went on for a little more than two minutes, just getting more intense and spreading the heat in my whole body. I just tried to focus on my breath (doing awareness of breath meditation) but it didn't fade. it already happened once or twice, but not as intense. and it was very clearly coming from my chest this time, right were the heart should be. anyone having the same experience? what could this be? (just to have an idea: I have a daily hatha yoga, awareness and meditation practice. I will start a Kriya yoga practice in the next couple of weeks, really looking forward to it. so I don't have any personal experience with kundalini, chakras and stuff like that...yet.) thank you and have a lovely day <3

@Monkey-man thank you for your answer. ok, I was hoping for it to be something like that, I admit. I wasn't afraid or anything, I actually found it kind of cool. so what do I do when it arises again? shift my awareness on it instead of on the breath? surrender is something difficult to grasp with the mind...I always found it confusing. but when a certain amount of resistance has built up, I'm usually letting go naturally.

fruits are my fast food I reached a point where if I could decide between any snack/fast/junk food in the world and mangoes, berries, pineapples, kakis, peaches or pears.....I'd go for the fruits. undoubtedly

oh my god, I can't believe this. I came back today from a almost two months long break from the forum. I always wanted to come back, I just wanted to wait for april. guess why I gave in today? I had a massive blow-up with my mum today. then I see your comment right when I log in for the first time in what feels like a little eternity everything is fine now, but I really threw some ugly things on her. I didn't think I could say such horrible things. (I apologized as soon as I got it together again) it went quite well the last couple of weeks. today I had what felt like a big breakthrough during my meditation, i felt very stable and calm. hahaha yes. and then my mum came home. stressed and anxious, her nervousness electrifying my nerves the second she entered the same room. it was as if I was able to feel her emotions. a couple of stingy words from her mouth were enough to make me explode with rage. well, spiritual breakthrough my ass you're right, she is quick to forgive.. I don't want to use her that way, it just sort of happens. my parents don't only show me my mistakes, they make me feel them. I guess they have so much power over our emotional body because our main patterns and characteristics, even most of our web of beliefs stems from them. so by hurting them we hurt ourselves. and we sense that because of the closeness.. I wish you much love with your family <3

guess who's back wow, after almost two months I actually only wanted to take a short break, like 2-3 weeks. but tempos fugit, as it turns out. it's not that I fell off the path, hell no, I actually worked quite hard on myself. and I don't mean the masculine, I-need-to-change-myself -with-a-hammer approach. not that that's a negative one. it can work quite well, like it did for me. at the beginning. I finally learned to appreciate the more feminine approach. the one which doesn't give me big shiny prizes for all the work. the one that operates in my inner world. the one that no one notices...or at least very rarely. I made some progress with meditation and yoga. I'm starting to feel a difference in my awareness: both my body awareness and, very subtle, the awareness of my mood. I realized: I'm very susceptible to mood-fluctuations. As soon as I get particularly down (also when I get high, but less) I immediately look for a reason. I latch onto it and then escalation happens: thought after thought, worry, anxiety. shame is also something I feel quite often, when I think about my past. a vicious cycle, because then my mood gets even worse, resulting in even darker thoughts. what I'm learning to do: when bad mood comes up: noticing it. no judging, no jumping at reasons. that's just BS-intellectualization and our cute little try to implement rational thinking on existence. hahahah as if that would ever work my dreams are getting very clear and strange since I started writing my dream journal again. it also feels that feel more conscious in my dreams..not exactly like in lucid dreams.. but I find myself questioning things more often in them. I repeatedly dreamed about animals and about being able to communicate with them. in one dream specifically I thought 'I'm so happy to be vegan'. I noticed that shame is a recurring theme in my dreams. I wonder what that means? well I came back because I missed writing down my lessons, thoughts, progress, plans and everything that dances around in my monkey mind. writing down feels like letting go, wonderful <3

you think you are enlightened? go live with your parents for a week. there is very few which can upset me nowadays (I used to be a walking fury, like my dad). but there is something which can still get me lighted like a firecracker. my parents. fuming. why? why are the people I love most the ones I can feel the most hate for? why do they still have so much power over me? I feel like an eternal child sometimes. it's like I feel how they feel: I feel my mum's worry, negative thinking, victim mentality, nervousness and anxiety when she enters the room. I feel my dad's anger and impatience. I'm judging right now, I am aware of that. and it stings, because every single thing I listed, still exists within me as well. it's hidden and subtle, but my parents seem to be able to dig it out. well, nothing to do. watch it.

everything is here to help me growing. I'm an eternal student. my teachers are as vast as my curiosity deep. I'm a sponge, I just go through life listening, reading, watching, observing. I'm at a point where I'm open to anything. I've understood that there is no absolute, no right and wrong. every thing is just a symbol, an approximation, a conceptualization of reality. everything is just a map, not the territory. it's a matter of perspective. I can learn something each day, each moment. from every situation, from every person even. I'm not better than others, than people who don't meditate or do inner work. nor am I worse. I can learn something from anyone. I start to see the beauty in everyone, in diversity. what I used to criticize, I start to admire. those people, seemingly flowing through life so easily and superficial. my narcissistic vein used to label them 'shallow' or 'stupid'. what if that was just jealousy? Yes, I'm jealous because I'm not able to do what they seem to master. just go with flow, just live, not being obsessed about results and achievement. they seem to be ok with the status quo, ok with themselves. whilst I always have that need to change something, to achieve something. I have that drive for improvement. it's nothing bad either, but it's limiting my capacity to accept, love what is. it's preventing me from fully loving myself. now the paradox: can I accept that I don't accept myself? can I love the part of myself which constantly strives for improving myself?

@Max_V yeah, baby steps are frustrating for me too, know that too well I've always been very result-oriented. it's something that has been imprinted on me by my parents and society, specially at school and sports. very hard to unwire. spiritual work helps to change. it forces you to give up striving because the more neurotically you want things, the less it gives you. do them when they feel right to you. you seem really wise exactly that's what's up. shrooms show you your weaknesses, fears and mistakes. and they show no mercy. they tell you exactly what you do wrong. at least, that was my experience. they are very direct, unmerciful teachers.

@jjer94 if there was one, I'd click it, my dear.. <3 I love and hate reading your journal. a lot of self deceptions being uncovered - it's bittersweet.

let me face one of my biggest fears. being different (I also get a paradox feeling of proud out of this one, it's part of my narcissist personality) being labeled weird, crazy, strange being an outcast losing my mind it's such a paradox. I've always wanted to be normal, to fit in, find a group, to belong somewhere. the strange thing is: I just didn't. or I did, but I've always fitted in everywhere and nowhere. everywhere a bit because of flexibility. but nowhere really. I've felt a sense of belonging to groups a bit outside of the norm. but in the end I didn't feel at home...not even in those groups. I suffered a lot from that. but I also enjoyed it. the being special, being a special little snowflake. ok, I've opened a can of worms here. so let's go: I am such a narcissist! holy shit! the whole story about how special, intelligent, smart, authentic I am. (false kind of authenticity) always that phantasy about being oh so different. so special. I've constructed this mysterious personality, this image of an interesting, highly complex woman. full of paradoxes and contradictions, so out of the norm. how can this be? how can one of my greatest desires be one of my biggest fears at the same time?

@Vlad Ropotica I know it's easy to say from here, but try to surrender to your negative emotions. let them overflow you. don't resist them or distract yourself on purpose. you're not alone! I wish you all the best <3

@Max_V yeah, I feel you there. I've been running around with this question in my head 'what am i actually doing? what am I doing in life?' the last months. I still am. I've always been one to think about what my purpose is and what meaning I give to life. but an AL-LAD trip 2 months ago really took this question to its pinnacle. I seriously considered not knowing for the first time. not who I am, not what I am doing and not what I am here for. it was very powerful. like someone took away the floor under my feet. it is overwhelming sometimes, you're so right, Max. that's why we need a powerful vision <3 I like Leo's approach so much because it's so broad, rich. it takes the best bits of everything, it's meta. a real sage university

for me right now it is the letting go of beliefs and judgements. just pure awareness of things happening. and seeing infinite love in everything that happens.

@Max_V wow, sounds incredible what you're able to juggle. you're still pretty young if you go to school, so chapeau! imagine your life 5-10-20 or even 30 years from now. incredible! I'm pretty much working on the same stuff. self love and loneliness are big ones for me. I agree, it's hard to do all of this. it sometimes interferes with my studies for university. it's also hard doing all those things whilst mostly living with my parents I guess you know the struggle but hey - we're young. we're lucky we've found the path this young. ready for Leo's sage university <3

this resonates with me a lot. I also tried to numb myself down for most of my adolescence. distractions were huge. all that repression led to a lot of suffering. I guess the best method for healing is raising our awareness.

spending the last days with my parents has taught me a few things. it made me aware of quite a few patterns that dictate our life. I constantly seemed to criticize them, judging about what they do wrong in life. having seen Leo's video about criticism being untenable, I mostly recognized my own mistake there. and I started reflecting it back to myself. everything I criticized in them...I found in myself as well. of course, I grew up with them. they imprinted their own self deceptions and patterns onto me! and I'm not blaming them. it's not that they did it un purpose or to hurt me. they did their best to grow their perfect little daughter. they want the best for me, I can see that. I want to stop criticizing them. I can see them suffer, they suffer enough. I can't liberate them, but I can liberate myself of those patterns and maybe then, when they see me grow and be happy, they will start to change themselves. some of the behavioral patterns I detected: negative thinking, worrying about the future (mum) being fearful (mum) having a lot of stress: not being patient, everything must go fast and be effective (both) being angry, aggressive, snapping at others (dad) always being right (dad) being egoistic: putting my needs first (dad) not being good enough, lack of confidence (mum) competitive thinking; that strong need to be the best at everything (dad) being materialistic, loving and admiring expensive things, impressing others with those (mum) being proud (dad) how to change? the first step is done: becoming aware of it. shining the light of awareness on it will autocorrect those self-harming patterns.

for some reason, this question struck with me: do you really want Truth? do you actually really want it? something arose. yes. I want it. Do you realize the price which comes with truth? no, I don't fully realize it yet. It's dying. literally. I know it conceptually, I even went through it on psychedelics. but it seems like a distant dream, a memory. I don't fully embody it in every moment. that's the reason I felt a physical reaction, a quite unpleasant one. something in me is afraid. something in me is scared to death. that's how I know it's true. no, I don't fully realize what it means yet. but yes, I want it. hell yes, I want the Truth.