phoenix666

Why is the illusion so persistent? oh shit, it is! so much! baffles me every time. so persistent and so perfect, all the time! the devil's in the detail. I don't know why though. I guess it has to be. to the ego it's literally a matter of life and death, so it has no other option. is has to literally be the greatest deception there is..

ego is what starts meditation, until meditation becomes a process for it's own sake. that's when it starts to wash ego off

I also added 'thinking' to the labels, like infinitePotential said. that helped me a lot. sometimes I just got hung up on 'was this hear or see?' for too long, it distracted me. then I added thinking and it got much smoother. hope that can help you!

@Leo Gura thanks! I'm working on it..

maybe you already started with a high level of awareness? my experiences became deeper with increasing ground level awareness as week, even on quite low doses. that's fantastic! I guess your intuition told you once you've got the message hang up the phone? I can see the value in that. I hope Kriya can teach me how to properly let go from any attachments and how to quiet my mind ..

I'm already there. everyone is. what is preventing us from seeing it? our mind! thoughts! it suddenly became very clear whilst meditating. I was just observing, came close. then some thought came I'm close. I'm almost there. I want this. that's ego right there! it operates with neediness! I want enlightenment. that's absurd! there is no one to become enlightened! there is still a lot of I want, I need in me. that's clouding my awareness. they were right! quieting the mind is the way!

it's beautiful to read about other people's awakenings <3 I know it comes from within, I know.. I've seen glimpses on trips. it's just tricky to let it percolate in day to day life!

I resonate with that! I've also had both. radical shifts usually on psychedelics though, or during specially deep meditation or yoga sessions. rarely throughout daily life. gradual and persistent ones are tricky, because surely they happen on this path..but sometimes they remain unnoticed. journaling and interacting with others helps me becoming aware of those. beautiful! what a bliss I hope to become aware of those signs everywhere as well. I want to feel that connection to the universe in daily life too <3

'the only way out is in' made me feel things <3

it feels wonderful to read your words! thanks for sharing your experience, inspirational <3 how did this happen? was it a radical shift or was it slow and transitional ? happy for you!

so true <3 but getting there, getting there .. it's like running away from the dark, not realizing it's your own shadow

@Vladimir @Timotheus I'm glad you liked and got some motivation out of it, guys! <3 yes, it took quite some courage, but you know what helped me? the insight that no matter what happens, it is exactly what is supposed to be. and everything is here to help us evolve! I just thought no matter what comes up, I let myself fall into it. @OBEler my spiritual preparation and background is a year of half-assed self development thanks to Leo's videos (I started an inconsistent meditation practice as well). then a year ago I took shrooms and they opened my mind to spirituality. I started meditating more seriously (every day, between 30 - 90 minutes ever since), went on two silent retreats, started writing a journal here on the forum (helped me a lot to sort my thoughts and to keep track of my development). I tripped a couple of times (4-5 times on shrooms, 4-5 times on AL-LAD I think). always planned, at home, alone, and meditating beforehand. I also wrote a trip report every time afterwards, to sort my thoughts and gather better understanding on various insights. on my last AL-LAD trip in january I had an ego death experience and I got a glimpse into the strange loopiness of reality. that was hard to digest, it really fucked with my mind. I took a break from psychedelics afterwards. maybe that's why I felt so anxious and decided to take a lower dose this time. the setting is not the best, I admit. it contributes to the slight paranoia that always comes up when I trip. I live in a dorm (my best option is to trip at home when my parents are on holiday, but that doesn't happen that often) and it can be quite noisy sometimes. I also started to practice Kriya Yoga about two weeks ago with the book Leo recommended. I feel like that is really, really powerful and I think it contributed on this little awakening. you will, you will <3 I get this feeling that you're scratching right at its door when reading your posts <3 good things take time thank you so much @Nahm you're always a huge inspiration, my dear <3 hahaha doesn't surprise me at all, I sometimes feel the connection when reading stuff on this forum! next time you get that huge feeling you have to say something! surely would have been a lovely push in the right direction <3

@onacloudynight there are no coincidences your zit and my skin peeling tells us Kriya is actually moving something. although - I start worrying about the adverse effects. tongue elongation. molting. we might morph into reptiles?

everything is in flux, today specially. I expected an ego backlash after the breakthrough on AL-LAD. it came in form of frustration, tension and irritability. not regarding spirituality or awareness, but regarding work. this dissertation bothers me. I did so much work for nothing. it made really annoyed. that in turn made me even more frustrated. kriya went very well, surprisingly. I felt deep calmness, a cold sensation surrounding the throat region and an intense blue light appeared when I focused on my front. how do I ground my awakening experience into daily life? --> my spiritual path. still a lot to work on! I have a problem with my emotions. I've felt apathy for a long time. I've always been told to 'not be sad'. you have no reason to be sad. that's what they always told me. so I started doubting my own emotions, believing authority figures. if I have no reason to be sad, but I feel sadness, then something must be wrong with me. that's what I've always believed! that there is something wrong with me. they also told me to don't cry, distract yourself! so I never learned to become aware of my emotions, to watch my emotional body. they just taught me to doubt my own feelings, to run away from pain distracting myself. hell, I even felt guilt and shame for feeling bad. a vicious cycle. time to interrupt that. never feel guilty about your emotions. don't be ashamed for how you feel. your emotions are trying to tell you something. if they're here, they're here for a reason! acknowledge them. validate them. observe them. what are they trying to tell you? stop running. sit down. and feel into your body. and if no answer appears, the question will disappear.

hahah I came to know this very well. when deciding whether to trip or not it's very tricky to discern real intuition/wisdom from 'just' a panicking ego

today I felt something like a cold energy around my throat. it wasn't exactly subtle. also a blue light appeared while focusing on Bhrumadhya. and help in the last days I felt like energy releases in my abdominal region during kriya. I don't know if this can really have to do something with it, but today I noticed that my skin is peeling off in my navel. I only noticed because I felt a slight pulling/itching around my bellybutton, so I gave it a look. first time I noticed something like this. can this happen? anyone experiencing something similar?

this. exactly my thoughts. you have to work, to practically fight your way through hell to find a glimpse. and true, I also think psychedelics are just a part, maybe the icing on the cake which gives a last push. without all the other practices like awareness, grounding ecc. I don't think they'd do much in the long term..

@PsiloPutty @Sukhpaal yeah, I was also surprised because I definitively felt something going on right where the manipura/4th chakra is supposed to be. I felt something I could describe as a strong energy ball there. I was only 10 day or so into the habit, so I didn't exactly expect it. but yeah, definitively a good sign. it must be working. @DnoReally definitively not. but I already noticed a slight improvement after only two weeks. this motivates me, in the book he is talking over months and years

@PsiloPutty possible side effects of Kriya Yoga

my dreams keep getting more weird. I experience depersonalization in them. or is it a shift in consciousness? There is no limit between 'me' and 'other' in them sometimes. I'm both me and the person I interact with, the two simply get mixed up. every 'low conscious' (gee feels horrible to even think in that term' is here to help me, is here as a chance to choose the high-way. I chance to let love be my master. a possibility to connect with my higher self. I often feel as if my parents drag me down. then I feel guilty for even thinking that. maybe they are here exactly because of that. asking me to choose the path of love?

this is wonderful! I have to keep this in mind. every 'unpleasant' encounter is a chance to be loving, a well meaning hand to offer people stuck in destructive patterns a possibility to climb up the emotional spiral. <3

we don't find the answers, we lose the questions (coming from someone bursting with questions)

@Markus oh, I see. so I need to become aware of those blockages. I have many of them, I know.. I've faced some of them, but maybe once is not enough. what I learned through direct experience, is that as soon as I become aware of those blockages -fears, attachment, dislikes- they seem to become weaker. like admitting 'oh, I still fear being labeled as weird' or 'oh, I'm still very attached to knowledge, I'm afraid of losing my mind and rationality' is actually taking away some of its power. I do, I do.. much less than a year ago, or even some months ago, but still. thank you for your explanations! very insightful <3

@Charlotte oh don't worry, this stuff could never bore me beautiful! I've felt that too, but it was during a trip. love was just pouring out of me, surrounding me <3 things just keep surprising me. that materialist paradigm seems to be pretty strong

@Markus that's what I feel as well, that experiences keep coming again and again, kind of like a spiral that keeps repeating in slight variations and becoming deeper each time. I can see how one can easily forget that.. I guess that's why grounding is so important. just for curiosity, what do you mean by 'karma'? it's a bit confusing to me, as people seem to use it in different circumstances and contexts.