phoenix666

exactly, it's eternal (hard to grasp that now, but right there I just felt the infinity) but what brought me to heaven was accepting it for eternity. it was like oh, ok, I'll just be here forever. I'll suffer this pain of death infinitively. this will never end. that's when it went full circle for me and turned back around into infinite bliss

I felt pretty much the same. you go through hell and you end up in heaven, like in Dante's Divine Comedy

that's very hardcore of you, congrats on your strength <3 whatever he told you and what emotions that evoked in you, don't suppress them. they'll grow into a massiv baggage of shadow that you don't want to carry with you for the rest of your life. let yourself feel those emotions and reach out for help if you need some to face them. this doesn't mean that his words are true, in fact don't believe any of them. but don't suppress your pain, in order to heal we must suffer though it. I've always suppressed so much it ended in total apathy, now I have to face everything I've run away from. but you are strong, you faced your brother like that, so you can do it! I wish you all the best <3

hahah I know that feeling, @Nahm's comments are always heartwarming to read <3

mood is a terrible measure, I noticed. my mood fluctuates a lot. and while I became more aware of good mood, the same could be said about bad mood. I'm much more conscious of those mood swings nowadays. it's a bit frustrating, because I'm now much more aware of my little moments of annoyance, frustration, boredom, nervousness, irresolution or disappointment. (one year ago I would have buried myself in distraction without even noticing) but how do I measure how deeply I'm grounded in Nothingness? I can see how that's the highest indicator. but how exactly can I 'measure' that?

my deal with Menschenkenntnis (there is no english word for it) it's interesting that there is not even an english term for something that has always been a big issue for me. I think that's another sign for me. that this 'big problem' I've always seen as critical to my bad experiences is nothing else than a concept. it's a story in my head. I made that belief up, and labelled my personality with it. talk about limiting belief I've always thought to be pretty bad at reading people. I had trouble with 'seeing through' them. I couldn't see whether someone was lying, I just wasn't able to interpret their actions and words. I've been hurt, used and treated badly by people. friends around me always commented with 'I told you so' 'couldn't you see what he was up to?' 'didn't you see the signs?' 'didn't you see through his/her facade?' to be honest? no. I was never fucking able to do that! it always seemed so obvious to everyone else. and I was clueless. I just can't grasp other people's nature. if you ask me to describe a friend of mine, I struggle to do so. I can't reduce people into adjectives. when a label comes up, I become unsure because its opposite would be right as well. I've always seen that as a deficit. as something which got me into trouble countless times. trusting in the wrong people and ending up cast away, exploited and just hurt. what if this wasn't a deficit? what if this was actually a special trait? people like talking to me. they say they never feel judged. they feel like they can say everything to me with no shame or guilt. that's exactly because I don't! I don't put them into frames, I don't label them. I don't reduce them to categories I've pre-organized in my mind. I listen to them, take in their words. I don't interpret it to form a picture of them in my head. I just listen and reply with whatever comes up in the moment. what if this was something good? maybe this makes me an empath? maybe this makes me a good listener? someone who's not judging? (I still judge sometimes, mostly myself. but it's getting less and less) I'd like to think all of that! downside? I'm prone to trusting the 'wrong' people and ending up hurt. but what if I'm ready for that? maybe that's why I'm strong enough to handle that? that would be awesome <3

sometimes I get those glimpses as well. it really feels like heaven on earth. small things like the taste of a fruit, the smell of a flower, the color of plants or the sun on my skin suddenly feel so intense and overwhelming, that it brings tears to my eyes. it's very special. the higher our awareness, the more we can perceive the beauty and miracle of reality

@DMM710 I guess that was in the topic with my trip report. hahaha I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you I've already had some pretty deep experiences on psychedelics, that was my third ego-death experience. and I never took really high doses. those 3g of shrooms were also extremely dry and a potent strand, so I guess the psilocybin concentration was a little higher than for usual 3g. also, I'm a 1,50 m short girl, so I guess the average person can handle quite a bit more. (even though it mostly depends on different liver enzyme expression and of course the foundation, ground level awareness and such) so long story short: don't be afraid, go for it. 1g will be very pleasant and pretty cool. Nahm's suggestion with the surrender note is gold. I used it this time, I wrote don't worry, you're tripping. all is well. surrender, surrender <3 on different sheets of paper and sticked them on walls/doors. it really helped me! because surrender really is the key to a heavenly trip. it's normal to forget it and to get sucked into all kinds of fears and stuff. those notes which remind you to surrender are pure gold have fun and I'm looking forward to hear about your experience <3

I already did. more than once hahaha 5-LeO is hilarious

that's what I felt when I was reduced to a cramping, sweaty mess on the floor. (without the heart chakra erupting) don't know what kind of demon possessed me right there did that experience open your hearth chakra permanently? how did it change your daily life? then I'm definitively hardcore by McKenna's definition I guess facing your biggest fear in such a realistic, physical experience makes you more relaxed about minor fears in your daily life. makes you realize what they are, groundless, empty constructs of your mind. at least that's how I experienced all of this I've had extremely tough moments on trips. so critical, I regretted taking them in that moment. but I always remembered to surrender at one point and it took me straight to heaven. so I never got this message to 'hang up the phone' up until now, although my trips were far from perfect and smooth. in my opinion there are no 'bad' trips. in the sense, you can go through hellish experiences. but that's when you grow the most, that's when you purge all the earthly suffering. that's when the deepest wounds get healed in surrendering to that horrifying pain cool, thanks very much for your suggestion! fascinating, is he a psychiatrist? I'll look into it. seems like something that could in fact interest me didn't they actually create LSD in order to feel into the experience of a psychosis? to gain better understanding of psychiatric patients? when Hoffmann isolated LSD a lot of psychiatrists took it to simulate psychosis. I can see the value of that. when I studied the symptoms of schizophrenia, psychosis and such I really could feel into it because that's exactly what I've been experiencing on some trips as well. on my internship in psychiatry I noticed that cold and clinical distance between doctors and patients. it was like an emotional wall filled with fear and misunderstanding. I kind of could feel into the patients much better, they felt very understood (even if I had much less clinical knowledge than psychiatrists of course). some psychiatrists even mentioned it to me they noticed that patients trusted me I think that understanding what others go through (empathy) is the key to connection. if you've experienced it yourself, that empathy is just there. and patients can feel that. of course, I couldn't say all of that to the doctors. I've asked around carefully and I was disappointed because I found out that actually all psychiatrist are very much against psychedelics. very closed-minded. I don't want to work in such a place..

aww, thanks for your encouraging words my dear! <3 I feel like I've known, I've had glimpses, but it's not implemented into daily life...that's what I would like to achieve. to speak and to act from that source of love and compassion.. I like Teal Swan's videos a lot, specially those about emotions. have helped me massively. have been on one of her workshops? I've seen they are in Sydney, Melbourne, New York.. I can't afford that as an italian uni student

whenever I get that feeling, this helps me changing my limited perspective hope it can help

yeah, that striking difference between getting something conceptually and actually living it, going through the actual experience. I feel like shrooms are that kind of teacher that just gets hold onto the devil inside of me and smashes it in my face with no mercy know that slippery slope.. just falling through the ground endless times..

soothes agitated souls and worried minds with paradoxically touching lightness <3 :

oh yeah! christmas is a very gross example. but I even notice it in small achievements ..very subtle and easily overlooked by most people. it happened after getting good grades, passing big exams with flying colors, winning a race or even after eating my favorite comfort foods. I always felt that emptiness and disappointment of being unfulfilled afterwards. even worse because some people noticed my crankiness and just didn't understand me. the 'I don't get it, aren't you happy? you should be satisfied' comments made the whole thing even worse because I felt guilt and shame for being such a ungrateful, spoiled brat

wonderful! I can relate so much to that. reading it through 'your' perspective makes goosebumps arise all over again. dying has also been the most horrifying and the most wonderful experience in 'my' life <3 I have many anchors as well. I guess the first step to letting go of them is to become aware of us having them. then seeing their true nature: nothingness. it hurts to realize that those anchors are hollow and only constructed by ourselves in a desperate attempt to give meaning and purpose to our existence. nice healing experience <3 it hurts so much to let go of people we fell in love with ..I know that very well. but it's time to realize that illusion. it will open the gates to true, unconditional love! happy for you, nice report <3

I can understand that. I know how deep that fear of insanity can get. I guess I'm also prone to experience it on shrooms because 'insanity' is a theme that has always fascinated me. I deep interest in how our mind/brain works and psychiatry also led me to my life purpose to become a doctor. I also did an internship in a psychiatric clinic, which touched me deeply. but it has also scared me away.. it pained me to see that dehumanized, heart- and compassionless mental health care system which still dominates the field. don't really want to be a part of that. but this theme of insanity seems to go full cycle for me really? I didn't know that about McKenna. I don't know too much about him, but maybe his frequent use of cannabis has fueled those terrifying trips.. I'm happy to have a strong foundation with yoga and meditation. that definitively helped. hahah don't want that to happen. thanks, I will take the suggestion to heart. 1P-LSD and of course 5meo are high on my list

@Lynnel thanks <3 it surprised me as well that 3g would take me as deep. @Quanty yes, I've never seen myself as anxious or prone to panic attacks, but I definitively went through one on the trip. I guess fear of death can become very visceral and intense once you're really there. meditation has also surfaced some anxious tendencies lately, I guess I've always been suppressing them. I'm ready to work through that. I'm happy cause at one point I remembered to surrender to that fear and that's when the gate to infinity opened <3 @cirkussmile thanks <3 yeah, I don't know what exactly was healed, but I definitively purged something. those body spasms hahah it was so intense! @Leo Gura I've already broken through that barrier of insanity twice on shrooms. this was the third one and the fear was still massive. I don't know how many times I'll have to go through that. I think I'm still attached to logic and rationality... there is that deeply rooted belief that I absolutely need that for studying, my future job and just functioning in society.. have you lost that fear of insanity completely? yeah, thanks for the suggestion. shrooms are indeed murky and twisted. it's true, they fuck with our memory as well. I had some difficulty recalling the sequence of my trip. (it's strange because during the experience everything was so clear, I was very lucid and so conscious) it became foggy afterwards. writing the report helped me. my experiences on AL-LAD were much cleaner. I don't know if I can find LSD, but I was thinking to try 1P-LSD, which I could get more easily and should be very similar to it's famous twin brother 5-MeO-DMT has been my dream ever since I heard you talk about your experiences on that godly molecule. kind of hard to get to it though. I don't want to force it. I think I will get the opportunity when the time is right for me. can't wait for it..curiosity killed the cat I guess I was inspired to take good old shrooms because of McKenna. I find his writings quite entertaining. I wanted to get that tribal vibe of the ancient goddess. all I got was dying though

thank you for your patient explanations always @Nahm you're a big inspiration for me. I always resonate with your words. yeah for me it's still frustrating because I get 'lowered' into other's vibrations. like when interacting with my mam, it really feels like I get stuck into her tension, anxiety and worry. eventually I get nervous and lash out. it has gotten better lately though. I sometimes manage to stay conscious. the I suddenly become aware of what I'm feeling in my body. and it clicks 'shit, this is empathy showing me how my beloved mam feels. what would I crave in such a situation?' then I feel my body relax and 'll try to soothe her, be calm and loving towards her. it has improved our relationship a lot! I also noticed that I feel awkward and uneasy in the presence of other people. I can sense that most of them are very tensed and anxious, but don't want to show it, like they're all wearing impenetrable masks. don't know what to make out of that though hahah

the pills are a band aid. they ease symptoms. but only you can get to the root of your pain.. do you feel ready to get off medication yet? if not, take your time, don't rush things. maybe numbness is exactly what you need to face right now. I know it's painful.. but you can go through this <3

it was you projecting? in the sense that you projected onto people what you thought they feel? what do you mean with vibrational work? I'd really like to develop this empathy a little deeper. I think it's the key for connection and maybe helping others <3

could also be one of the side-effects of the antidepressants. they can help with drive, mood and anxiety depending on which type of AD. but they surely don't help with getting in touch with our emotions. I can really resonate with what @Arkandeus said <3 I've been dealing with emptiness und numbness for a long time. I'm slowly re-connecting with my emotions. to do so, we have to face the negative ones, those we've been running away from first. we'll just have to bite that bullet..

I feel like those two go hand in hand and worked synergistically with me. I started meditating after I discovered Leo. but it was a very rational approach. I thought it would help me to get better concentration and less mind chatter. I was a very rational, result oriented girl. I was disconnected from my emotions, nature, other beings and stuck in the materialist paradigm. psychedelics fucked with that paradigm and with my rational mind. they opened a whole new world for me. the inner world, the spiritual world. they showed me my biggest fears and forced me to face them. I had glimpses of ego death, oneness and such. all that motivates me to stay on the path on a daily basis. (I think I had those deep trips because of the foundation I have from my spiritual practices. some friends of mine never got to see those places on psychedelics) that's why I think they go hand in hand. meditation works in the long run and is foundational for the base level of awareness, whilst psychedelics are an occasional boost (which can come with massive ego backlashes of course...you just need to stay aware of that) within that practice. I've experienced unconditional love on a trip, which made me realize how disconnected from my emotions I am. I'm working on that. psychedelics are great teachers because they show you exactly what you need to see right in that moment. they are the inner guide made visible again (most of us, including me, are too distracted to feel it in daily life) the dig stuff from our subconscious mind into our awareness <3

it won't go down without a fight yesterday I had an ego backlash. it came out of nowhere. I was studying and usually if I get bored, at least I take a break with something 'productive' or 'spiritual' like meditation, contemplation, journaling, reading a SD book or even here on the forum. I thought gone are the days where I fall into the traps of internet. fail ok let's face it. I'm a huge addict. in this case I don't mean the subtle addictions I have (like thinking or judging, which is getting better and better btw). I still have some pretty gross ones too: doing. mostly the urge to do 'something useful, practical or productive', like my parents would say. like studying, doing something for my studies or working out smartphone. oh yes. I try to keep it shutdown, on flight mode and to deactivate wifi. it works for the most part. it got better since I deleted almost all the apps and my FB account. but still, if I'm bored or feeling uneasy, I find myself taking my phones and activating internet. thinking 'let's see who wrote me.' if no one did (rather often) I get the urge to write someone. why? to escape loneliness. to escape reality. I realized that now. laptop. pretty much the same. if I get uneasy, bored, anxious I flee. I browse on the forum, watch some Leo/Teal Swan/Matt Kahn video. (at least I surround myself with SD/spiritual/growth content...at least, that's what I tell myself. am I deluding myself?) food and drinking (ok, I 'just' mean water and tea) but still.. again, I flee and distract myself with 'let's brew some tea' let's eat some fruit. the worst: phantasies and fan fictions. ok, this one is embarrassing. looking back, I've pretty much lived 80% of my teenage years (and even now sometimes) so far away from reality. I mean, I still interacted with people, studied and stuff. but it was all secondary to my phantasies. everything seemed an interruption (sometimes a pleasant one, usually an annoying one) from the beautiful stories in my head. it's so powerful. I could read ffs all day. and worse, when I stop reading them, the stories just keep running in my mind. endlessly. I've been so many characters... this sound crazy, I know. yesterday I had a FF relapse. with it, phantasies came. the usual sappy ones. but you know what? I couldn't even fucking enjoy them as I did my whole life before. why? because awareness kept creeping back. screaming WTF are you doing? at me. annoying. I am grateful that my ground level of awareness seems to be so high now that it won't let me too deep into those mental stories. it won't let me run away too fast or too far away. that'S soothing. that's progress right there! but seriously, I need to work on my self talk. I felt shame and judgement. I want to be more compassionate and loving with myself. I don't want to fight ego, I want to love it to death.. it won't go down without a fight. well, I'll open my arms to it and give it all the love I have (it's not much yet. my heart still feels closed behind a wall of wounds. but healing will occur, I'm sure.. <3)

for me it's been two things I've implemented into my (daily) life 1. meditation and (not daily) 2. psychedelics once in a while