phoenix666

@Charlotte thank you my dear <3 yeah, I was just talking about intuition and how I have trouble sensing it to a dear friend last week. when I passed that piece of cleared forest with the noise of chainsaws in the background...there it was! loud and clearly. I sensed that it was just wrong. a very strong feeling..

on saturday I took a long walk in the woods. it was wonderful <3 but suddenly I passed a place where they had cut a lot of trees. it made me very sad, it was almost painful to pass through that. I think they were doing forest work somewhere there, I could hear the noise of chain saws from afar. it felt all wrong and over the place.. I think my connection to nature is getting stronger again <3

what conclusion did you get to?

this morning my dad said something that made me think. he said he wonders about all the time I 'waste' with doing all of 'this stuff' (this stuff = yoga, meditation, the forum). he said one year ago it was like half an hour a day. it moved up to an hour. and now it's just out of control, he said. my practices right now - if I'm not too busy with university: 30 min Kriya twice a day 30 min Hatha yoga 30 min formal meditation with labeling or being aware of my breath: minimum once a day. I try to perform it twice ore even three times a day mindfulness/awareness of breath throughout the day (by far the most challenging for me) catching up in the forum, reading through what resonates with me, journaling reading books (usually in the evening) coupled with trying to eat healthy (involves a lot of cooking and shopping for fresh fruits and veggies) and squeezing in some sports (swimming once a week, a little bit of climbing, skiing, trekking..) and trying to spend time in nature - shit! it takes up most of the day. he is right. but is it wasting my time? it's good to think about this. it's important to always question the status quo. I don't want to follow Leo - or any other teacher - blindly. something I may tend to do.. maybe? some insights I had. it's those kind that keep coming up and become more and more clearly with every passing week and month. I'm most happy (the unconditional kind, the one with peace, calmness and just being satisfied) when I am mindful. when I am in the present and fully aware. when I notice small things that make me smile. when I am not stuck in worries, stress or worst of all - in the rat race. how did I get in such states of mind? through meditation, psychedelics, yoga, watching and listening to teachers and reading. the more I do those things, the more I manage to implement mindfulness into my daily life. correlation doesn't equal causation. but it seems quite clear to me in this case. true, I don't do much other than all of this. true, I spend most of my time alone. true, I am seemingly losing interest in everything else. but this is exactly what Leo was speaking about in his video about unconditional happiness. he was right. most people don't want that. most people want conditional happiness! (and then wonder why they end up fucking desperate and empty). my happiest days and moments: when my awareness was high. for example on my retreats: I felt at peace in connected. small things made me smile like a child. I didn't have anything special, just a shelter, food and meditating all day. I wasn't even allowed to speak. and hell did I have difficult moments. but it all resulted in happiness. true, most people are afraid of unconditional happiness. I am, too. slowly I started to realize what it really means.. to let go of everything..

@moon777light I'm not giving up other practices either. doing formal meditation sits is something that has changed my life so much for the better. it would feel wrong to give it up, so I don't. I don't see where mindfulness/labeling/breath awareness meditation could interfere with Kriya. I've actually noticed those practices getting deeper with Kriya!

@Tearos what you wrote resonates with me a lot. I ran away from my own suffering so much in the past. I distracted the hell out of me. in retrospective I can say that there was that gigantic amount of suffering, hidden under layers of numbness and action. now I am much more aware of it. so sometimes I think 'how is it possible? I've put so much work in all of this. how can I still suffer so much?' but then I realize that the suffering has not increased (quite opposite actually) it's just that I become aware of it much more. so as soon as there is a pinch of annoyance, frustration, sadness or emptiness - bam - I notice it. two years ago I would have distracted myself with something, completely neglecting my own emotions. very interesting topic!

what I've learned from spending time in nature today: slow down. nothing good emerges from rushing. (Eile mit Weile ) let things unfold. good things take time. it also reminded me about an analogy I've heard from Sadhguru. the mango tree: does it always have sweet fruits? no, most of the time it's ornamented with quite bitter tasting leaves. no sign of sweetness. but the tree is slowly working towards those fruits. so the mangos are fruits of long term work, hidden underneath bitter leaves. so have patience, keep working and the fruits will emerge with time. my patience has increased and I became a long term thinker. aren't those already fruits? the cycle of rebirth: sometimes things have to be burned down in order to blossom. a volcano's ash burns down everything in its way, but leaving earth extremely fertile afterwards. I have to burn down some things in my life: bad, destructive patterns I still hold. judgement, comparison/competitive thinking, being result oriented. I'm also becoming aware of my greed. I'm very greedy when it comes to food. (why?) I can be quite egoistic and self centered. I'm aware of those negative patterns, that's the first step. burning down sounds so radical and aggressive. I've learnt that's the wrong way to go. I want to try it the accepting way. love your sins to death.

one of my favorites as well. so inspiring I'm glad I joined sage university. turned my life upside down. it's funny because I know from the outside it looks boring. but I've never felt richer about experience itself!

<3 and I love yours

I found that in order to get to a meditative/mindfulness state 24/7 I first have to build habit and momentum with formal sits. when I stop the formal sits I slide right back into old habits or even destructive patterns. the more formal sits I do (also forced ones), the more awareness I manage to bring into daily life. that makes me calm and content. so I think there is some value in formal/forced sittings. but this is just my experience.

wow, sounds intense! I wish you a good practice. let us know how it plays out for you.

bite the bullet and just go through with it. could be a good sign that it's working. don't you guys think? the last 4-5 sessions I had to deal with a pretty strong nausea. (that's very unusual for me, I'm rarely nauseated) I almost had to give up, once I took a short break. what do you think, could this be an ego backlash or something like that? I just took myself together and went through with the practice anyway, but it wasn't easy, massive resistance. anyone experiencing something similar? ps. @Viking I'm also far from mastering kechari mudra I just do it the same way @Mart described above

that's very sweet, thanks <3 but I can already say that awareness work does it for me. the more mindful I am throughout the day, the more joy I feel by noticing small things like leaves in the wind, little flowers and the new baby plant growing in our banana-tree pot on the balcony @tsuki I really like what you wrote there <3 thanks for sharing!

this is so beautiful, Charlotte I remember experiencing that as a child. but it's like a distant memory. I feel like I somehow got disconnected on the way. but this inspires me, I hope I can find that connection to animals and nature again. I feel like it's slowly strengthening again <3

@Solace this is what I need to remember every time I get lost in seeking.. thanks for sharing this beautiful wisdom <3

I second that! they kept getting better and better in my opinion

@thehero I've been struggling with that one a lot as well. Teal Swan has some wonderful videos about that. they helped me a lot! I would check them out. specifically 'how to stop caring what other people think' and 'emotional wake up call'

they eye can see everything - except itself. hahah sometimes it feels so frustrating. we do all that stuff and in the end the circle closes and we end up where we began. we see that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do. that everything already is, we are already it. I'm not there yet. I still wait for that insight to check in

what does that mean Pluto? I've come across that notion a couple of times now, but I don't get it. what do you mean with being stuck between worlds at too small dosages?

I would suggest to take them in complete silence. lie down, make yourself comfy with blankets and pillows and close your eyes. but keep a nice playlist ready in the case you need something soothing. something you like and that has a calming effect on you. (personally I keep a playlist with classical music ready, mostly Tchaikovsky, Chopin, Satie and Dvorak ) write notes before tripping, write things like 'don't worry, this is just a mushroom trip' and 'remember to surrender' or 'just surrender, just surrender' on sheets of paper and keep them lying around in the house or stick them on your walls. surrendering really is the key for every trip. we tend to forget that. every time you remember to fully surrender, the shrooms take you directly into your heart <3

straight from the heart! <3

I'm excited for you Leo! I wish you all the best. I've been having those thoughts for a while now.. that letting go of your baby is the last thing bringing you to that tipping point. deep down I know I should do the same. I'm massively afraid of it. huge respect for finally doing it. I hope one day I will have the momentum to surrender as well. we all cheer for you. remember to fully surrender, that always seems to be my 'leverage'. all the best from my little heart! <3

'it's all fun and games until you start dying' that stuck with me. it really makes all the difference to actually have that experience directly. it's not that you get all the answers.. you lose all the questions!

whenever I'll feel stuck in homeostasis, this image will pop up and make me laugh thank you very much my dear! <3

I’m trying to make sense of what I've just experienced. I took 3g of dried shrooms and they took me straight to .. I don’t know what the hell that was. if I could describe this trip in one word it would be dying. I’m reading Terence McKenna right now, so I was really inspired to let the ancient magic flow through my veins and take me to deeper truths. I did a Kriya session (was a bit messy, since I was excited for the trip) and took the shrooms on an empty stomach right this early morning. my intention for the trip was to feel re-connected to reality and others and awake compassion in my heart. I just lied down and closed my eyes, went inside. boundaries melted away, my identity started to blur. I kept it quite cool for a while. then fear hit me. confusion, paranoia and a horrible feeling of losing my grip - on anything, really. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I merged together with all kinds of people I know. it scared me to death. I was also beating myself up. why are you doing this? why can’t you keep your fingers from stuff like that? self improvement, meditation, psychedelics…look what they did! my whole life I’ve been searching searching searching for something. for value, meaning.. where did this lead me to? lying on the floor, having lost it completely. gone mad, insane. I questioned everything. I suddenly felt so afraid of what my parents would think, seeing me like that. (at one point I couldn’t even say anymore 'me' and 'my parents' and their expectations and judgements - we became one) then it hit me. why are you crying? why are you panicking? this is it. wake up. then I felt my body exploding. suddenly everything was inside of me, breaking out of me and shattering my body into countless pieces. I didn’t feel anything anymore, it was beyond feeling. just awe. I remember lying there and thinking words can’t, language can’t, mind can’t possibly describe this. then it hit me again, I had to let go, surrender. so I did. it went deeper and deeper. it was infinitely wonderful. it was really like (and I'm blushing to even write this) orgasming taking to infinity I don’t know what got into me, I crawled on the floor, probably looking like I was having seizures. my whole body cramped, moved around. it felt like being possessed. yes, I really felt like a poor creature, possessed by a demon and gob-smashed by harsh reality. panic choked me again. I was once again, doubting whether I just got clinically insane. I was lying on the pavement - distorted into positions I couldn’t have thought of my body being able to do in dreams, when I felt life fading away. but not like a sudden punch in my face like before. it was very, very slowly. I died excruciatingly slowly. painfully aware of the fear I still have in my bones. the fear of death. cold, endless and unknown. (well, not that unknown anymore ) I realised this is it. just surrender, and I did. then I was sucked into an infinite strange loop containing everything that has ever existed and that will ever exist. all compressed into an endless cycle of dying, dying, dying. I saw the substance of everything, the substance of myself: it’s empty. it’s reality giving birth to itself endlessly whilst constantly dying. and it’s inside of me. (well at one point I clearly felt ‚inside‘ turning ‚outside‘ and merging into one) what’s left of all of it: wow, I just realized how much I still cling to this identity I’ve build up. frightening. I cling so much to logic, mind, self image. I’ve never thought of myself of a fearful person. well turns out, I’m full of fear! I’ve just suppressed it behind a massive wall of denial and distraction. a smaller insight: irony, sarcasm and teasing actually make the canyon between me and others even deeper. people are massively insecure and those things can seriously hurt them, even if they don’t admit it. sarcasm is been a self defense mechanism for me. a way of keeping distance in order to not get hurt. but now I feel ready to be vulnerable again. shit, I died. multiple times, endless times! I was stuck in a loop of dying for infinity and it let me in awe, not being able to move from the floor. I guess I can manage to be vulnerable again