phoenix666

thank you for your detailed infos, dear @pluto I completely agree on everything you wrote there. specially the part about using the whole food instead of for example the oil. I try to do the same most of the time (sometimes it's just very difficult) I still live with my parents half of the time, so it's quite hard to follow everything all the time. they also complain a lot because I (quote) 'keep getting more and more radical' I would like to cut out wheat entirely.. maybe keeping whole grains without gluten for now. but I don't know if I am able too when living with my parents. I may try a detox on only fruits in future. but I have to do find a period of time where I don't have a lot of stress/studying/work going on. skin is definitively linked to stress. and to physical activity/pollution/spending time outside. no doubts on that. I guess that's where my problem lies as well.. I spend a lot of time inside with my computer... for university/studying (impossible to study without actually) and admittedly also on this forum I hope it will get better now in summer time. otherwise I'll definitively try a only fruits detox..

@Viking @Stretch I'm far from feeling what the author describes but sometimes there is something... usually like a spot where some energy is concentrating and finally released. hard to describe. sometimes a blueish light appears at Bhrumadhya. I also struggle with the breath, specially during maha mudra but I feel some improvement from the beginning at least. whenever I feel frustrated the book 'Mastery' by Robert Greene comes to my mind. that mindset can help through doubts and plateaus.

@brugluiz I feel you, I am sorry you had to go through this. you're doing great! you're so right, I did an internship at a psychiatric hospital and I was shocked about how they just filled patients with those drugs in order to keep them...well, quiet. no aiming for the root cause, just keeping them quiet and 'functional' enough to send them back home. it felt very heartless and de-humanized, really.. @moon777light oh, do you study medicine as well? I find myself very torn and conflicted when studying lately. I study med because I have that big (constructed) life purpose of becoming a healer. but when I sit down to actually study for my exams, my intuition gives me a very bad sensation. it gives me a very bad feeling about the way modern western medicine is dealing with health. how do you put up with that inner conflict?

thank you so much dear @pluto ! I've put the hemp seeds onto my whole grain pizza with veggies, tasted great I try to avoid oil when cooking. except when I cook for my parents (they get upset when I don't use oil) so I may buy some hemp oil and use it instead of the traditional olive oil.. I in fact do have some problems with my skin. I keep getting acne on my chin. it's not so bad/severe. I just wonder why, cause I practically only eat fruits, vegetables, seeds, nuts, legumes and some whole grains

@pluto I think you've mentioned that you use CBD for microdosing? that got me interested! I just bought organic hemp seeds and I am starting to get more and more interested in this plant what's a good way to use this little magic plant? how can I use the seeds for example? or what's up with hemp oil, is that something I should include in my (plant based) diet? (I've tried smoking weed a couple of times in my teenage years, but it wasn't particularly pleasant) if you don't mind sharing your knowledge <3

seems like whining, moaning and bitching helped my last Kriya session brought a deep calmness to my mind. very enjoyable <3 but no, it wasn't the playing the victim part that helped. it wasn't the needy complaining part. I know what helped. it was the honesty! it was the becoming fully aware of my 'bad', desperate emotions. I became aware of them, labeled them, accepted them as part of my perceptions and expressed them by writing them down. wow awareness alone is curative

pretty much the same for me. I have those moments where things get really intense and it makes me stop in awe, makes me very present. happened with colors, tastes, smells.. suddenly those perceptions get so vivid! it usually happens on days where I've been mediating more than usual

we'll miss your lovely posts <3 I always enjoyed your gentle words. I wish you all the best my dear!

hmm thought = a perception we experience through our senses just like seeing, hearing, tasting.. ? but it's the king of perceptions. the Bowser at the end of each Level Mario has to kill (or in this case transcend) (oh, this pic makes me a huge nostalgic sap. I'm such a 90ies kid)

@Stretch I do it the same way @Viking described. sometime I feel something, sometimes I don't

I can't believe it! I got a sign. it came in the form of the deepest meditation session I've had in a while. very calm and peaceful. some hints of dissolving. some pinch of forgetting my 'self' thank you thank you thank you <3 god, did I need that what got me there? breath. as simple as that

I know, I know my dear.. it's rough at times.. but in retrospective, that's exactly when we grow the most. I found that suffering can deepen one's compassion a lot. focus on that <3 @Nahm I'll try to remember

radical honesty II I'm in for full blown honesty. at least with myself. I don't like this, in fact, I hate this: I am so desperate for progress. I meditate and drift of thinking 'when is this going to bring some fruits?' I do yoga and get frustrated because I can't feel any energy releases anymore. no cold or hot prana or anything exciting come up. I bored to death sometimes. watching my fucking breath until I get sick. uff. I want something to happen. sometimes I'm so desperate for something to show up, to assure me, to tell me 'you're on the right path'. something that motivates me, a little glimpse. just fucking something. it's so damn frustrating. the fruits may be subtle. so subtle I miss them? my awareness still not high enough to notice? I disgust myself when I'm this needy and desperate. so goal oriented and ego-driven. I force myself to do all this stuff, get insecure, my dad is planting seeds of doubt asking me 'why I waste all of that time with this stuff' 'I could be studying, doing some sports, helping my grandparents or him and my mother' usually I am very sure of this path. but sometimes doubt is plaguing me. I would like to see or feel some sign. a sign that tells me don't worry, honey. you're on the right path. you're doing the best you can do every day. your decisions and priorities are wise. this will help you becoming a better person, reducing your suffering so that you can become a vessel of love and compassion for others.

@John Iverson hahah I've noticed now. our reactions are pretty much the same, wow @Nahm would it surprise you if I told you that your answer didn't surprise me? use the time to do some inner work, maybe that's exactly what you need right now. and keep yourself and your little one safe <3

as if you've sensed something I sometimes feel a special connection between all of us on this forum @zoey101 my god, I'm glad you're safe now!

@zoey101 it hurts to read your post.. I am so sorry my dear <3 but I feel like you already know.. listen to your intuition, I know it's there.

get up and make some green tea drinking two cups of green tea whilst reading, studying or browsing on the forum Kriya Yoga 30 min of Hatha Yoga having my super yummy oats with fruits and nuts 30 min of meditation I love it, but it takes so much time.. I don't know for how long I will be able to keep that up in future when I'm done with uni and will be thrown into work schedule..

awareness can hurt that's why people run away from it. that's I've been running away from it. in short: that's why distraction. I feel stuck again. I'm feeling lonely and confused again. I guess it's because I've really been working on my awareness lately. I somehow expected to magically become that loving, smiling and fearless spiritual master. always relaxed and ready to give wisdom to others. spiritual ego right there! I'm desperate for results, I'm inpatient and restless. I guess that's exactly why I feel stuck. I think the increased awareness also comes with some backlashes: I am much more aware of when my mood is down now. in the past I would have distracted myself immediately as soon as my mood changed towards the 'bad' side. all happened unconsciously. I would eat some food, text someone, read a juicy fanfic or engage in some romantic phantasy story. now I've dragged that pattern under the light of awareness. loneliness comes up? there you go, the urge to text someone. the urge to meet some friend. I stop myself in the track. sadness comes? uneasiness? anxiety? juicy phantasy here we go. fuck! I'm hunting the big fish of ego/self transcendence....whilst still having massive holes in lower parts of the pyramid. the foundation is unstable. where is love? I still feel a lack thereof. I dream about someone who falls in love with me. I am very attached to that media induced belief about romantic love and companionship.. it feels like ages passed since I last felt that intimacy with someone. my heart has been broken so many times. I feel like it's still shattered into pieces. I sometimes feel literally heartbroken. I'm dying for someone to pick it up, stitch it and to tell me 'I love you' shit, it's so desperate. I hate it. I hate myself when I'm so needy and desperate and whiny. but it's the truth. this is radical honesty.

@Viking oh dear, I feel you. same here.. I want it so badly, sometimes it hurts. I want to be part of that whole. (I know that I already am intellectually, but that really doesn't help) I want to feel that connection to everything and everyone ..

@moon777light don't worry, makes a lot of sense. I enjoyed reading it because it resonates a lot with me <3 I've come to the same conclusions, specially after my first retreat last summer. Leo's videos have helped me a great deal, but it really sank in on that retreat. but I fall back into the materialist trap sometimes as well. it's a play between gaining consciousness and ego striking back. the important thing is to stay aware of that mechanism and to always come back to the path hahah don't worry about the botox videos, there are worse backlashes I sometimes end up stalking on FB and I get lost in phantasies a lot

just being never felt sweeter <3

I don’t know why, but this time I had more doubt whether to trip or not. it was all planned and everything, so all those doubts and worries made me quite confused. maybe I grew more respect for this substance after the last ego death experience on it. I was very uncertain, the whole day before and also when I got up that morning. I noticed it’s actually something I’m struggling with quite often. it takes a lot of mental energy -mental masturbation essentially- to take decisions. (also simple ones like what to eat, what to wear) ..need to work on my intuition there! I let my emotions decide: I imagined taking the stamp. I got nervous, anxoius, but also excited with a kind of ‚fuck that, I want Truth‘ attitude I imagined not taking it. I felt slight relief. and a strong wave of disappointment, which made me face my fears. the onset took quite long, so I was becoming rather nervous. that didn’t exactly help. In fact, it started out as a ‚bad trip‘: I was lying there, with a horrible feeling of doing something wrong. as if I had to justify myself! I can see how a moralizing, condemning society is only hurting us, keeping us caught in mental prisons. I actually felt guilty for doing something 'illegal'! fears that came up: to lose my mind: I was confused, I wasn’t able to justify myself (for what? lying here with an ‚illegal drug‘ intus, trying to finde myself, trying to become a better version of myself so I can serve others from a non-egoic place??). I was afraid to trigger a latent schizophrenia or other type of mental disorder, to be found by people in an absolute state of psychosis. people would just shake their heads in disapproval and think of how stupid and crazy I am to do things wrong, to just live life in a wrong way (what does that even mean?) I elaborated that further: have I set the wrong priorities? is this leading to suffering? to miss something, to die with a lot of regrets right when I started regretting the trip, bathing in ‚why did I have to get on this path?‘ ‚why can’t I just be like all the others?‘ ‚why do they seem happy in their illusion and I am here, going through hell‘ (hell for me being losing my mind, my grip, my rationality, just being there not knowing anything) something happened. I suddenly remembered to surrender. I did. to hell with this, I don’t care. devour me. and then I saw in the face of God. it was me! it has been me all along. everywhere, everyone, everything, always. I saw myself in myself in myself in myself to infinity. I was flabbergasted. no language, no logic, no mind, could contain this. how can this be? that I gave birth to my bloody self! all I ever interacted with is myself! this is the thing called God everyone has been talking about! it exists, it’s in fact the only thing to ever exist! and it’s me! I went through a cycle of birth and rebirth. something told me ‚this to infinity‘. it didn’t scare me, I relaxed into that feeling of my body constantly being de-and reconstructed in that moment that lasted an infinity. it was less mindfuck than the first time I experienced being a strange loop. maybe because somewhere, in my cells’ memory I already knew (sometimes, when I think back on trips they feel like a distant dream observed from under water). or maybe because I took a smaller dose of AL-LAD. It went on in waves, where I just laid there, being, enjoyed that infinite cycle. some insights I gathered: I’m on the right path. doubts are not a bad sign. it’s good to keep questioning if the ‚spiritual path‘ is my first priority, I’m good. I won’t miss anything; I’m trying to get at the very it. there is no more direct way! spiritual path: meditation, kriya, mindfulness, healthy plant foods, practicing kindness and cultivating love and compassion everyone I interact with is just myself showing me a new opportunity for choosing love and compassion everything is a distraction. everything is used to run away from Truth. why? because it has to! in the moment you turn around and look at yourself, you die and you’re being born, forever. to live, to do, one must pick life, thus look away from Truth what I am looking for: more being I hope I can integrate my experiences in daily life once again. I know that an awakening on psychedelics, such a tiny glimpse of the Absolute is absolutely worthless. (then again, a huge motivation for all the work) my goal is now to ground this higher wisdom into my day to day life. I want to embody it. I want to speak and to act from that place of union. I hope this can inspire some of you psychonauts out there! <3

you're doing great @Karin12414, chapeau <3

@Vladimir thank you, looks fascinating. I've read through some reviews. I'll add it to my book list for the next order

let's be honest. doubting my life purpose I've been doubting it for a while now. I just didn't want to face it. my intuition revolts when I sit down to study for an exam. I'm not excited for the seminars and anything I have to do for university really. I'm not even looking forward to internships in 6th year and the specialization afterwards.. have I failed to follow my heart? medicine became heartless, mechanical and de-humanized. patients are treated like clients or objects. there is so much deception going on behind the curtains of the modern medical system. everything revolves around money. the only thing which makes me happy at university is working at the anatomical institute. dissecting and teaching younger students. today I had to prepare for I special course I have to hold. That's when I fell in love again. this is what I want to do. maybe not for the rest of my life..but I want to try. surgery <3 I have to keep that in mind. I have to keep in mind my goal of becoming a surgeon, that's what pushes me through all that BS at university .. VISION. having a vision is important.