phoenix666

I'm excited to find out, I really don't know. I guess he will slowly embody his vision of a sage, more and more. probably less searching, more being. it's what I envision for myself as well, one day.. <3

@Viking thanks, I'll train my observational skills @Erlend K oh, I see. I can totally see what you mean. I was already hoping for some cool chakra stuff going on. like Manipura/navel chakra opening or something exciting like that

not exactly vomiting, not as intense as you're describing it I sometimes feel nausea, particularly strong during some Kriya yoga sessions. it comes and goes. I try to tell myself that's a sign of things moving, Kriya is working and I'm finally purging some deep stuff. that helps a bit, I find. I'm sorry dear @lmfao , I hope it will get better for you soon <3

you're too sweet, dear Solace :3 thanks for your encouraging words. I really try to get comfortable with those negative emotions. it's so hard because I've just come back from a retreat where I was really in the flow, I was so present and calm. everything felt light and delightful, everything amused me and made me smile like a fool. I could see through the meaningless of life and it made me smile! I honestly felt like life is a wonderful play, a game filled with love and opportunities. it's hard because of the contrast, you know? I got kind of attached to that wonderful state. coming back and facing loneliness, emptiness, meaninglessness and that cold feeling gripping my heart then felt even more horrible.. but yeah, I'll try to keep in mind that all of this is a sign of growth. awareness is increasing and old suppressed emotions arise in order to be loved and integrated.. <3

the higher you fly, the deeper you fall are my mood swings and emotions getting more intense? or is my awareness getting higher? I don't like this alertness when it comes to bad emotions, I have to admit.. quite a backlash I've to face right now. let's see how this evolves. I try to remain mindful of my emotions and distraction mechanisms. I want to accept those bad emotions and I want to encounter them with love. I'm not sure how to do that. but maybe the conscious intention to love those negative feelings to death already helps?

you're right,@Viking thanks for your input. it's definitively true that western med needs some heart. and fighting against a system is completely pointless, I know that much now. I'll just try to bring my best into it as long as I'll work in it. for now I don't plan to get independent (maybe in future, one day..) but for now I feel like I have to gather experience first don't worry, dear@moon777light wow, I can truly relate to that. I sometimes doubt whether I've just become too open-minded, if you know what I mean.. it really is an up and down. sometimes things seem so clear to me .. and sometimes I just don't know what to believe in anymore you're right, in fact my goal is to do surgery, so at least it's a bit easier for me to balance my way through those clashing worlds. it's much more difficult when it comes to long term chronic diseases.. I really try to find that link between what I study for university and what I've stumbled across lately.. it's tough..

I can relate to people more and more. from face to face, it's like I can feel into them. on the forum even more intensively, I can relate to some words so much, I get the feeling I wrote them. is that boundaries dissolving? is that merging-process slowly deepening?

@okulele yeah, we're in this together <3

hahaha really? I've already recommended that video to you? ooops, I didn't remember, sorry means it really helped me, if I keep recommending it but so glad you can relate to it <3 it's a longterm process, but it surely brings fruits. one day something will happen and you'll be surprised to notice 'oh shit, I actually don't care' (at least, that's what happened to me I was actually shocked how little I cared) remember to be patient and kind with yourself <3

isn't that the purpose? to slowly get access to our unconscious. a lot of stuff is surfacing for me too. it can be hard to face all that suppressed stuff, yeah, I feel you <3 but isn't that what makes us grow?

I know exactly what you mean, I experienced the same thing. I sometimes feel caged by what I feel for my parents. ultimately I had to look straight into myself and admit: I still look for acceptance, approval and love. not so much from other people any more. but still from my parents. it holds me back..

yes, finally we've become aware of that defense mechanism. now we're paradoxically strong enough to make ourselves vulnerable <3 yeah, I now that technique, we've used it on a retreat a couple of times, very powerful. very heart-opening hahah *feeling like poor patrick star poor lad

@UpperClassWhiteBoy this helped me a lot last summer. I truly feel like something has changed over the past months (of course, it was a slow, longtime transition) and I think Teal's videos triggered that for me

I just had to grind through today's Kriya session. but I did. that's all that matters. isn't that when the biggest growth is supposed to happen? then I should have grown massively by now. what came up: boredom: I just felt bored to death, I found myself thinking about all the exercises still left and just huff, I can#t stand this anymore massive resistance: my whole body tensed up. I got extreme adverse feelings towards the exercises nausea/sickness: my whole system reacted to my unwell. I felt waves of sickness, suddenly my whole body became very hot. (once I felt a cold breeze over my spine though) is that my ego kicking back? I definitely felt the urge to do something else instead. maybe drink some tea, study a little for my exams or reading a juicy fanfic. yeah, definitely sounds like ego not going down with a fight..

Yeah, I think I need to be whole and one first. otherwise I can see it coming, codependency (again)..

oh shit. oh yes, it is. I feel you! I really miss that, I admit. I miss intimacy and skinship..

love that quote, gets me every time exactly what happens to me when my parents come home after work - my enlightenment bubble burst just like that

wow, I can relate so much to this. as if you were speaking from my heart! as people suffer -and they do, I can feel it too..so much, I had to become apathetic in order to protect myself at some point- and don't even know it, we are aware of it. that makes it so painful for us at the beginning. but this can deepen our compassion. I feel empathy getting deeper every time I suffer. maybe as we become aware of other people's suffering we can ease it for them too by transforming that pain into love and compassion

aww, thank you so much for your kind words. so sweet I will, but I don't want to force anything anymore. I won't run away, but I won't fight for it either. I've found some solace in solitude lately, I want to cultivate that. I have this idea in my head of 'friendship' not being a thing anymore. friend - no friend - of there not being any difference anymore. of just the whole universe becoming my friend. it's still a vision. but sometimes I feel all my concepts and beliefs blurring. I think that's the way to becoming whole again and oneness don't know if this makes sense

with the heightened awareness over the last days, my dreams have become sharper and more clear. they were filled with sex, violence (murder and blood), anxiety and uneasiness. wow, is my subconscious mind really that filled with - well - shit? ok, I may have been consuming a lot of horror/psychothriller stuff in my past. and a lot in my phantasies revolved around that and sex.. is it still there, all cramped up in my memory? no wonder I have to deal with so much darkness ans suffering again and again. something that I heard in my dream last night stuck with me. it doesn't even feel like I dreamed it, more like a memory... but no, it definitively was part of my dream (then again, reality? dream? where's the difference?) a study colleague of mine was talking about someone we both know (don't remember who) and she was speaking in a very judgmental, disapproving way. it made me shiver and I just starred feeling very uneasy. she talked about how that girl had lost all her friends, that she isolated herself from everyone and everything. how boring and lonely her life must be. that girl seemed pretty satisfied and calm to me, so I wasn't quite ok with her judgement. I told her that. (I also felt like she was talking about me as well, I started doubting some of my past decisions) then she looked straight into my eyes and said "well, look at her. it's so sad, but it's all her fault. she doesn't have any friends." huh, that's when I definitively felt like she was talking about me as well. it was like a punch in my face. but then a calm energy surrounded me. I relaxed and smiled. "I don't have any 'friends'. nor do I need them if the whole universe is my friend"

wow, thanks for sharing your experience. I really enjoyed reading it <3 I hope it can motivate you to go deeper, this is great

so true <3 after my first shroom trip I just dropped all interest in alcohol. it wasn't even something I wanted to do / tried hard at that time. it just happened. just the thought of drinking it or even worse, the smell of alcohol, makes me feel sick since then. one of the best changes in my life so far the more aware I get, the more I can perceive just a 'bad energy' around alcohol and drunk people. it drags everything down..

Kriya gains it's hard to net get too excited after the last session. it's hard to be detached from results. let's face it, I am. I can't wait for all of that stuff to happen.. I admire people on the forum here, I feel desire to be as aware as them. I feel a desire to 'achieve' all the benefits the author talks about in the Kriya book. I even dream about unlocking those formidable siddhis. I won't suppress all of that. that would just make it all the more unhealthy. I am aware of those desires and my goal oriented mindset. let's see if that awareness can cure it, can at least take some weight off it. the last session was heaven. nothing too exciting or flashy.. but a calmness of mind. a peace of mind I've never felt before. there was just...nothing. everything seemed so wide, clear and far away - yet sharp. wonderful. I did two consecutive meditation sessions because I felt so good. those were heavenly as well. a feeling emerged: this is it. this all I want. just sit and be. I had no desire whatsoever to do anything else. just sit there and happy as never before. gotta prepare myself for some ego backlash right there..

@The Don that's actually a good sign..it's working. growth happening right there. don't halfass nihilism. there is no meaning. but if you take it all the way, you realize that there being no meaning can't be be negative, as that is again creating meaning. so that there is no meaning is absolutely meaningless itself, it's not a negative thing. it just hurts momentarily because we have to let go of our attachments.. funny, I was just listening to this episode yesterday: on point -->

@BjarkeT if your not looking for anecdotal evidence / personal first hand experiences, but for scientific evidence, then you can easily do some research yourself. and there is a lot! I've attended a lecture not long ago where numerous studies have been presented. unfortunately I don't have access to the presentation. if you have fun researching try typing yoga, mediation or awareness into https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed I'd consider that a quite reliable source