phoenix666

why I love swimming: repetitive activity, requires attention on the breathing process and little distractions available. it's kind of meditative. two days ago I came to a smaller realization during a 45 min swimming session. this work has become my first priority (with minor exceptions and a few distractions here and there) enlightenment, inner work, exploring my subconscious, expanding my awareness. tools: meditation, yoga, reading, journaling, forum, videos health (kind of goes hand in hand with enlightenment work) ? it's the pillar, the foundation. taking care of my body and mind. tools: inner work for peace of mind. whole food, plant based diet, hatha yoga and a little bit of sports here and there for my body. becoming a healer. tools: studying, practicing the third priority in my life is for others. am I being selfish? placing 'my' enlightenment, 'my' health before that? sometimes my parents say I am selfish.. self-centered. am I?

to explore different perspectives and connect with like minded souls <3

you could slowly introduce her into self help/development? if Actualized.org is too straight forward or advanced, then maybe more videos like Teal Swan or Matt Kahn? they talk a lot about self love and acceptance in a very helpful way <3 I've struggled with that as well (sometimes still do). my parents always gave me a hard time about my physical appearance... so I know how tough that can be.

I've stopped watching TV and listening to radio over 2 years ago, also one of the best changes I've implemented negativity, distraction, mental masturbation...comes with that whole package

@Charlotte that's healing going on right there <3 I'm so happy for you, connecting deeply with your emotions, wonderful! be gentle with yourself, treat yourself as you would treat a crying little baby <3 I wish you all the best dear Charlotte!

@Colin thank you very much for your suggestions, much appreciated <3 I've actually read 'meditations' by Marcus Aurelius. so I already intuit that I'll like the daily stoic. I'll look into it on the next opportunity.

<3 I love this! utter surrender..

oh shit, I know that 'Oh my god, it's all me' moments. they blow your mind. speechless. <3 yeah, I always write a trip report afterwards, helps me to sort my mind and to gather insights. then there comes the difficult part....integrating the experience in daily life. embodying the revealed.. I'm rooting for you, I wish you all the best <3

wow, I really enjoyed reading through your report. wonderful, congrats @TimStr! this bit <3 gold I know what you're talking about. had the same experience on AL-LAD <3 it's incredible, constant creation and collapse and being able to zoom in and out between formless expansion and contracted ego, wow.... love it! thanks for sharing, I'm excited for you.

ok, I just went through a 24h hell. responsibility really fucks you up. you? well, me. this shows me, I'm not ready to take on responsibility for others (yet). now I am exaggerating. I can, I can go through anything. the question is, how? there was a lot of beating myself up and even more: hurt ego. that one is clearly still around, and quite big as well! lesson learnt: I'll keep my nose out of other people's business. been burned twice now. that's enough. I won't force anything on people anymore. I'll just go my way, silently. if someone asks, I'll react and respond. I want to stay in silence otherwise.

exactly, feels like hypersensitivity (or maybe it's actual, 'normal' sensitivity...and I've just underrated the contrast from the state of numbness I was in before) oh, I'm sorry to hear that. and how did you deal with it? how are you now? hmm.. I wouldn't say guilting. it's more that it doesn't satisfy me anymore. it's like I can look through it: before I may have noticed that too, but at the end or even quite a bit afterwards. now I seem to notice whilst doing it. I don't know if I managed to explain myself correctly thanks for your input <3

finally I get what Leo meant in one of his older videos. I don't know which one it was, but he talked about sensitivity. about how important it is to be sensible and thus aware of things going on with and around you. specifically body sensitivity / awareness. this has improved a lot for me recently. as soon as I have only one 'bad' meal...I notice. some time ago I would start to feel something off after maybe an entire day of 'bad' eating or even a couple of days. yesterday I went eating out with my parents - excellent vegan dinner- but wow did I feel heavy and tired afterwards. and it's not a first. I noticed it a lot lately. one heavy/fat meal is enough to make me more tired, lazy, less clear in my head / awareness. I feel best after eating fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds and maybe some rice and legumes. the lighter, the better. the fatter, heavier, the worse I feel afterwards. ok, seems very simple and obvious. yet, I didn't really have that awareness before. at least it has never seemed that clear. I guess it's obvious and I apparently started with an extremely low body sensitivity. ( I probably had to, with the kind of unhealthy, horrible lifestyle I had..) I guess that numbness is a defense mechanism: you eventually numb down if you load your body with fat, toxins and stress. I am happy about this change. although - it seems to come with some downsides as well. I enjoyed the meal, but I felt especially grumpy afterwards. it was like 'I've never wanted some greens and fruits so much instead'. I can't do 'fun' stuff anymore....without feeling and suffering the consequences much more intensively than before..

very true, it's too simplistic to compare such complex organisms like human beings and expecting them all to react the same.. true, individualizing therapies.. focusing more on the single person instead of the numbers and stats of the collective. that's very progressive!

there are some very promising associations between schizophrenia and Vit D as well. it's so complex. so many variables, so many factors... feels like science keeps discovering more questions than answers. it's quite fascinating..

I've been feeling weird the last couple of days. very unstable. then again, there was some kind of stability there as well: a lot of mood swings, but not that strong. milder than usual. fluctuations decreased in their amplitude, but increased in their frequency, so to speak. today I went for a walk in the woods. it was very soothing. for a moment there, my retreat feeling came back: I couldn't stop smiling. the sun felt warm and empowering on my skin. the grass looked greener, leaves playing in the wind looked like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. air smelled like freedom. life seemed a wonderful play. no meaning, no point. wonderful. I can create whatever meaning I want and attach it onto anything I want. I create my points! I create my life! Kriya is fluctuating a lot as well: sometimes I get that peaceful, calm state of mind. then I feel those knots in my abdomen again. dissolving, liberating me, deepening my breath. sometimes it's just really dull. so boring, I get distracted by my usual juicy fantasies. or i start asking myself: WTF am I even doing here? what are my 'friends' doing? fucking around, making money, partying, having fun, socializing, playing games. I could do that as well. meditation was weird today (as well what's up?) I felt very confused. pieces of distant conversations came into play. I sometimes couldn't immediately discern between what was said by me and what was spoken by someone else.

thank you, dear @Charlotte

I just came back from my third retreat the other day and I wanted to share my experience because I found that retreats are the most powerful tool on this path - at least for me. I dare to say, even more powerful than psychedelics in the long run. they provide a similar quantum leap in awareness level...but do that in a more gentle, more grounded way, which makes it easier to implement the growth in day to day life afterwards. (still, I can only speak for my experience) it was a 5 days silent retreat and here is what I took home with me: I've noticed some progress in my levels of patience and discipline. it's hard to notice that in daily life because it's so subtle. the progress is slow and steady, but hard to grasp. on the retreat I had the comparison to the other two and I was really impressed by the difference. I may still be an inpatient ADD compared to a Zen master but miles better than a year ago I still have some issues with my parents.. it's important to become aware of them. also of all those toxic patterns the imprinted on me. nevertheless, they gave their very best, it was all well meant. I love them. I'll try to see things from their perspective when interacting with them. western medicine and everything I've been reading up lately clash. when studying, I can feel my intuition stirring. but I'm still in love with surgery. I won't give up. I first want to gather experience in a hospital for at least a decade before I can start off to new paths. in the meantime I'll use that evil feeling in my gut whilst studying for uni to strengthen my connection to my intuition. let's see if I can sense it in other situations as well te more I meditate, the more I raise my awareness, the more I get into a flow. a place with less and less resistance. there is that double edged sword of everything. specially of meaninglessness: in day to day life, existential crisis hits me quite often. then I feel lonely, cold, empty and hollow. everything is pointless. I am pointless and so is everything I do. that causes a lot of suffering. I feel like the loneliest person on earth. funny that the exact same insight was my biggest source of peace and deep calm during the retreat: I got glimpses through the fog. here and there I could see the meaninglessness of life. and it made me smile. it amused me. it made me feel light. food tasted better, sun felt warmer, flowers smelled more intensively and colors were brighter. I felt so much compassion for the people around me. I could see them searching for meaning, struggling, taking things serious. it made me smile, because I found it so sweet. I could see that struggle in myself as well. it broke my heart to see it in others, but it amused me to see it in myself I hope this can inspire the one or other to go on a retreat! just do it! it's like a whole year of daily 30 min sessions compressed in a week. it can be hard, specially when coming back and being sucked in society again. (I'm dealing with a strong backlash right now) but it will be worth it <3

I'm attached to feeling good and I hate bad emotions. maybe not exactly hate, but I fear them. I judge them. I have too much expectations: I expect to feel good because of all the work I do on myself. to be honest, I feel like I do so much more than most people I know (except on this forum), that I expect to feel better than them. then again, I don't really know how they feel when they're alone without anything to do (that's the challenge they avoid and I face) spiritual ego, caught! but it feels good to be honest. the first step is always to become aware of one's patterns.

@TeamBills wow, I'm glad you had such a delightful experience. I know exactly what you talk about, I just came back from a retreat and it was so, so relaxing and liberating to be free from all that stimuli we encounter in daily life. everything was calm and peaceful <3 during one session I had a little WTF moment where I thought 'oh shit, this is it. I always fear to miss out on something. and by doing all the stuff I do, I actually do miss something. I miss simply being. I could do this forever. I could stay here forever. I wouldn't miss anything at all, not my family, not my friends, not my books, not the internet.. just being' hahah now ordinary life has me back though I enjoyed reading through your mini report, thanks for sharing!

@herghly mostly mindfulness meditation, using breath or other bodily sensations as anchor. in the mornings we did Kundalini Meditation by Osho, once a day 30 min of walking meditation, a body scan, some hatha yoga in between and Heart meditation in the evenings

thank you very much for your input, Solace! hahaha it's very deep, gentle and soft in my imagination

wow, I don't really know what happened right now during the last meditation session. so I decided to share my experience. for some reason, right at the start I got stuck with this idea of "deep stomach breathing." I actually know where it comes from, too. thanks to @Nahm <3 your words just kept knocking at my awareness (usually, when I do awareness of breath, I focus on my nose) so I just went for it. and wow. it happened in waves, again and again: I definitively felt something in my abdomen! difficult to describe, the only analogy I can find is 'knots dissolving/opening'. it felt like my abdominal cavity would expand and expand, sometimes inhalation extending without my control. someone had similar experiences? what is that? thank you beforehand <3

exactly this. <3 ok, thanks for sharing your experience, @okulele right, I'll try not to cling to it. just observing and letting myself sink into it deeper hahah thanks @Quanty I won't <3

wow, I'm so excited for you, Charlotte! keep up the good work <3 I have the feeling you're onto something right there

no, don't worry. you're right. measuring progress can be motivating, but it can also be a trap, like you say. and it's one I fall into again and again. I come from an extremely goal oriented society.. hard to unwire such a pattern/belief system. repeating it might help to dissolve myself from it