phoenix666

it's been 3 days in a row now that I just haven't been able to go through my Kriya routine smoothly. I was interrupted by very emotional thought stories, mostly monologues about my past, traumata and my own toxic patterns and projections. all of that touched me that deeply, that I started crying. today it was so intense, I just couldn't stop crying. anyone having the same experience? how should I move through this? I'm not complaining, I feel like this is a sign that it's working... stuff being resolved <3 but how should I manage those emotional outbreaks? should I just try to go on with Kriya, stumbling and forcing myself through the exercises and trying to not engage in my thoughts? or should I interrupt Kriya and focus on my thoughts, emotions and the crying? thank you in advance <3

this is so adorable, thank you from the deepest place in my heart my dear! I'll try to expand that feeling in my chest now <3

thank you so much for reminding me again and again. I need to carve this into my consciousness <3 I want to become aware of this 24/7 ..

thank you so much @Solace <3 maybe honesty is my way to self love... feels good to be authentic, to admit and finally accept everything that arises..

your words keep warming my heart

everything was just so great. I felt like I was walking on clouds... not even walking, more like floating. then the crash. fuck, why does that keep happening?? the higher I fly the deeper I fall. I don't know why this keeps coming. maybe it's all self induced? it really feels like the universe is trying to test me. (again) funny, how things come in circles. feels like reality is a loop, coming with the same challenges again and again, right in the moment where I thought 'I'm over this, I outgrew this stuff.' BAM! it goes full circle, kicking me in my arrogant ass. it actually makes me laugh insight: I'm a moody MF. I must be a quite challenge for most people. no wonder no one seems to stick with me.. this makes me a bit sad. I want to fix those mood swings... I think that's the reason no one wants to be with me for long. I hate myself for it. that's why no one can love me.. because I don't love myself (yet) I need to start loving this horrible mood swings of mine. I feel unstable, like a reactive oxygen species. toxic. specially for intimate relationships.. how do I love this part of me?

@Leo Gura @Girzo thank you very much guys! I've installed google chrome, it's working !! whoop whoop

@Leo Gura I've tried everything: I've disabled the adblocker, restarted the whole thing, updated the latest safari (high sierra) .. still not working ps. I like the new shirt and definitively the fancy beard. you should keep it

funny that you posted this now. I've just reconnected with an old friend. it felt so good and warm. and you know what my first thought was? oh, yes... I can be authentic with her. now I remember why I loved being with her. do you believe in coincidence, Gabriel Antonio? you're right. I haven't found many self actualizing people in real life yet. only one spiritually inclined (I love talking to him) and some people where I feel I can really be authentic with. you're so right, but I'm still thankful for this place here. you guys helped me so much <3

oh shit, I think I saw Kutastha. I waited with posting this because I wanted to be sure (I'm still doubting it) it happened some days ago, during maha mudra I saw that usual blue light. suddenly I saw a white star. it was a bit blurry, but definitely there. it continued to reappear the last couple of days, sometimes very vague, sometimes sharper. I still wonder if I'm only imagining it.. but it's mostly a withe/gold star on dark background, no ring. I tripped on MDMA a few days ago (I'll probably write trip report, it was a very deep, spiritual experience for me..very underrated substance..) and I think that triggered something. the day after I did a 'normal' meditation (no Kriya, as I felt too much energy flowing through me) and suddenly that star appeared very clearly. extremely sharp: white star on blue background. I was very overwhelmed and felt my whole body tingling pleasantly. anyone having similar experiences?

thanks for your answer Leo. I deactivated the adblocker on your page, but still not working. I was viewing it on Actualized.org. now I'll try to upgrade my web browser and restart the whole thing, let's see

Hi Lucas, :3 wow that's so sweet my dear! it makes me happy to know that. it's so beautiful that we can feel connection across the universe simply by reading words on the screen. I am not such a big fan of technology as I've used to be, but that's definitively something wonderful. listening, reading about other people's emotional journeys if they share openly can be quite assuring and insightful, I feel it myself on this forum <3 that connection I wish you all the best <3 maybe you're inspired to share your journey as well soon <3

@Solace thank you for spreading so much inspiration <3

wow thank you all for your inputs guys <3 motivates me a lot to keep on walking the path all much appreciated! sounds familiar, I want(ed) to go straight into self actualization as well. but I feel like my basic needs are quite stable right now. I feel a bit of lacking in my social needs. maybe I should work on that.. yes, I can see that in myself as well. thanks for pointing out that self deception. but great, you became aware of it! isn't that wonderful? that alone should take some weight off your shoulders. keep that light of awareness shining onto that...and it will heal those 'lacks' <3 true, I've also been using those things to alter my mood and to cover up negative emotions. I've neglected the negative children...now they rebel, trying desperately to get my attention. it's working... I feel like I can't run away any more. I guess we've just picked out what we liked most there. most teachings actually encourage to pick up those neglected children and to give them what they want: love and attention. I feel like I wasn't ready for that before... maybe now I can handle them, maybe now that I've experienced some glimpses of unconditional love, I can direct that feeling onto them <3 wow, that is very sweet of you, @jjer94 I know exactly what you mean. like minded souls find each other, you know. I've been reading your journal as well because your words resonate deeply. I wish you all the best as well that is so wonderful. you know, I can't feel it in my daily life right now. I hope I will one day. but as I read this, I can feel something. as if I somehow know this, deep down. buried under that pile of beliefs and 'lacks'. I guess I'm slowly unraveling that inner knowledge. I feel an inner warmth as I read this, something melting (ego? beliefs?) it clicks! I felt the same as I listened to Matt Kahn and Teal Swan saying the exact same thing. thank you for spreading that message of love, Solace! I can see the power in it. I'm working on that feeling of love.. it's getting stronger. but it's still unstable.. sometimes confusion and emptiness prevails. I am happy that my words seem to touch people! enforces my feeling of being connected to you all

happy to hear about your bloodwork,@Solace great! yeah, counting calories seems so artificial/forced to me. I did it the first month I transitioned to a plant based diet to make sure that I get enough calories until my body adapted itself to less calorie-dense food. sounds really interesting. it is true that I feel much more aware after a meal packed with fruits and veggies. and sloppy and dazed after a high fat/grain based one (which still happens when I eat out) I'd like to increase that sensibility some more. also working on that 'loving what arises'... sometimes I can clearly feel that love, sometimes I get confused yeah, make sure to update. I love reading about your journey

@Solace my life improved so much as I turned vegan two and a half years ago, so I know how life changing food can be wow, how can you live on 600 calories a day? I don't count my intake but I assume mine to be approximately around 2000. I'll just try to increase the overall amount of raw fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds (I guess my 'need' for grains and cooked stuff will naturally decrease as I do so) I've also started supplementing with chlorella and spirulina. I really enjoy summer right now, the perfect time to increase fresh fruits aren't you worried about missing nutrients? I feel great eating this way for now, but lots of people spread panic about Vit B12 (that I supplement sublingually as well), iron (done a test after one year of being vegan --> first time in my life I actually wasn't iron deficient/anemic ), zinc, iodine, calcium, vit D...

@TeamBills I'm glad to hear that oh yeah, this connection to being. I think that's the way.

I've just been reading inner engineering by Sadhguru. he also writes a lot about eating and food. he recommends eating 3 times a day and 2 times once you're over 30 years old. he also recommends lots of raw fruit and veggies. the more, the better. and nuts and seeds <3 I'm moving towards that lately --> integrating more and more raw fruits and veggies, slowly replacing grains with them. I also feel pretty good with nuts and seeds. and avoiding snacks has also been quite natural lately. saves time and energy to stay without food in between. funny thing is, I've been moving towards this in the past weeks/months lately. I've read it in his book only last week

wow, I sometimes get that tingling sensation when I read through some posts. is it really that big? really that all-encompassing? how can I create something that highly intricate, self consistent. it's all so full of details and well put together. I close my eyes and when I open them, how can I create everything in that fraction of a moment...and that creation is so consistent. how can this be

love this <3 I've actually just been tested by the universe, you know? I think I've handled it quite well, kept a calm and positive mindset (I used to be very pessimistic in my past) and... everything turned out well! <3 I'll keep that idea of universal tests in mind, riding the waves smoothly

thank you for assuring me <3 let him who would move the world first move himself always comes to my mind

wow <3 talk about shift in perspective. wonderful, thanks Pluto! also reminds me a lot of this: this helps me through my own darkness <3

I wish it was like that we may tend to be more in touch with our emotions, more at ease with letting go and surrender.. (generally speaking)

the manta ray doesn't care about debates cool as a cucumber!

wonderful, dear @Viking ! I'm excited for you. sounds like a nice insight. it's beautiful to read that the realization of meaninglessness can be so positive as well (it has been for me too, at times) lately it tends to draw me into existential crisis/slight depression. thanks for sharing <3