BMoss

Post #2. I just checked this, heart pounding. It still amazes me how much I'm afraid of judgement and criticism. Maybe I should at least start by learning to accept my own judgement and criticism on me Have a good day everybody

Edit: Hello, people. I thought it would be inappropriate to post something long without an introduction. I'm BMOss, a relatively new member, currently lost and stuck. My main question here is "how do you start to improve your life?" Because currently I am so confused and at odds with myself I can't bring myself to do it. What follows is the train of thought that led me to this question. Thank you for reading, even if only up to this point. Thank you for your feedback, and thank you Leo and the moderators team, and the userbase for keeping this place alive. Thank you, have a good day. I didn’t know much about personal development (aka “self-help”) until about three years ago when I looked up material on self-esteem. In fact at that point I was at an all-time psychological low, but for the first time I had figured out at least part of my problems. Psychologist Jordan B. Peterson, whom I discovered later, and to some extent veteran consultant Jocko Willink spoke more about self-respect. After self-esteem and self-respect, I read about other aspects of psychology but also a little of philosophy, politics and religion. And while the new found knowledge appeased me (who would have thought I was creating my own issues?!) it only partially diminished my fears and self-loathing, and it certainly created new fears. For instance, I’m very resistant to the idea of change, main argument being that if “I” grow, I’m only benefitting the “me” from the future while replacing current “me”. Granted Leo made a pretty good point about “level two people coming against level eight problems, discovering they need more growth, strength and willpower to bust through”. I also am lucky enough to have successful people in my family (and they own most of their success to voluntary growth, hard work and discipline, and mental fortitude). However I don’t deliberately “surround myself with successful people” for reasons I’ll discuss right now. Putting aside the fact that I’m lonely, bitter, misanthropic and don’t have most of the things Jordan Peterson said a healthy human needs (no friends, no job, no intimate relationship, no real hobby, no schedule, no life purpose and personal values I’m constantly questioning). *Let’s assume that to live a full and exciting life a man (broadly, I’m also including women in there) must accept responsibility, believe in himself and that there’s good in the world, and then act out the leap of faith by voluntarily shouldering the burden of existence. This means to look for meaning, for purpose, while accepting that life is fundamentally suffering, and that tragedy is unavoidable. *Ideally (but that’s the end game), this man will also work on increasing his consciousness to the point that he becomes enlightened, understands concepts like non-duality, becomes one with his inner self and surrenders agency to live a life of bliss and unconditional love. Here’s my problem, or the first thing that comes to mind as of late: this is so unbelievably stupid. Emotions don’t matter that much. Or if they do, if a lack of sustainable, genuine daily positive emotion is all it takes to push some men and women “to the dark side” then that show how weak we are. The second reason this is stupid is because it is naïve. Since life is fundamentally unfair, to just accept it and look for meaning in spite of it is to agree to play a rigged game. Your bubble of happiness is a placebo effect, it’s no different from someone who takes psychedelic drugs daily to cut connections with reality. But here’s the second thing that comes to mind, and likely it’s another side of me speaking. Humans needs purpose because they are weak. And like Peterson said humans need a reason to move forward. If there is none, there is no reason to move forward. Also: to refuse to “play the meta game”/to live life just because the world is perceived as unfair makes me no different from radical social justice ideologues. From people who only complain, but when asked for what alternatives they want to offer have no clear idea, or one that is impossible to bring into reality without oppressing billions. I’m lucid enough to know I can not bully reality into giving me perks, and even if I extorted my next door neighbour, it would never protect me from getting cancer, erase my limiting beliefs or prevent me from getting older. In short we need all this complex apparatus of things in place in our lives (friends, a job, engrossing hobbies, schedules, life purpose, possibly even intimate relationships, values we honor) because otherwise we would see no meaning. We would not move forward. We could not tolerate life. Peterson had this idea that to live the ultimate life is to make the ultimate sacrifice. This means a) to picture a vivid image of reality as tragic and dangerous and chaotic and unfair as it could possibly be b) to conceptualize a counterweight, to figure out reasons to fight so that in spite of life being all that nasty stuff it was still worth it in the end. c) “To get out in the unknown and live forthrightly in the world” in spite of any limitation, obstacle, hazard, unfairness, etc… This is how many conceptualize heroes – people who “struggle with all their being against the tragedy of life”, people who are “a light rather than a blight”. However this way of living is incredibly hard. It requires a lot of humility. It requires a lot of courage. It requires to take responsibility at least for one’s own thoughts, actions, circumstances and wishes. It requires a commitment to learning and the acceptance of vulnerability, and the inability to ever study everything or achieve any “ultimate” knowledge. It requires a radically open mind. All of the above entails at least some level of personal exploration, both inner and outer. However most people, me included, are very much scared of this introspection. It usually involves accepting you could be willing to do some very nasty actions, take a very dark road. I’m afraid that I could never “go back” if I imagine the circumstances under which I’d be willing to. I like to think of myself as good, or at least good enough, but here are many wise men telling me I’m just naïve. Naïve isn’t “good”… In any case, my biggest question remains whether this is all worth it. I’m past the point where I won’t do it just because 99% of humanity won’t. However I’m left with some very deep questions that I absolutely must formulate: - If ultimately all this gives me is positive emotion, is it still worth it? - If ultimately all it gives me is happiness, is it still worth it? - If ultimately all it gives me some Truth I am uncomfortable with, namely the realization that I’m Ether, that I’m nothing, that it doesn’t even matter that I ever existed, is it still worth it? At this moment it’s not just about me. On one hand I could be looking for self-improvement and help out the community by “playing the best game I can”. Like Leo said it’s selfish behaviour that is ultimately unselfish. On the other hand I could keep slapping myself for even contemplating quitting college until I find a field I’m a little interested in, and honor the sacrifices my parents and grandparents, and… made my becoming a high status man. Quantitatively, won’t it be more beneficial to the world? Won’t it change the world for the better? You could make the argument that “I am the world” and all that matters if whether I’m happy. But it doesn’t sit right with me. Because I think I’m not worth it. I still think I’m not worth it. I still have the issues I had three years ago when I started to read about personal development. Bceause nothing changed much in the last three years, I just gained a little more awareness. But if I can’t find happiness even within the confines of my cage, how do you expect me to find it elsewhere, where it’s so vast? I’m too afraid to commit 100% to exploration because I’m afraid I might be just wasting my life. If all there is to life is positive emotion, I could get it through drugs or through videogames. I could even try to mindfuck myself into thinking that the world is beauty to be sitting at a bench in bliss, like the author of “the Power of Now” (scratch that, I know his circumstances were exceptional, and that it usually takes a journey to arrive to that point). But you see the idea. If a lifetime of wandering is what is takes to come back to point zero and “realize” that life is life and the world is love, how detrimental is it to “the physical world”, to society? What would I have accomplished? Raised a family? Founded a business? 1% of them would undertake the journey and live a ultimately meaningful life. Should I not care whether they do? Is it even ethical? Isn’t it more socially and religiously acceptable to encourage people to do better and wish they do? I’m confused. Many said that to start at least “baby stepping” problem solving one needs to know where he is and where he’s heading to. A ship needs a course. Well, I don’t know either! I still haven’t strategized as Leo advised, I still haven’t meditated because I’m constantly questioning it’s utility and benefits; I still haven’t introspected. Peterson’s Self Authoring program is collecting dust on my shelf even though I bought it last Christmas. “Twelve Rules for Life” had me think for a week but I scarcely remember any of it. All I faintly know is that Big Five wise I’m very neurotic, very un conscientious, very introverted, moderately agreeable and with a low-ish open-ness to new experience. All I faintly know reality-wise is that at twenty four I’m entering second year of college and am very un-interested in my combined English-Japanese course. I also know that I’m in college to appease my parents and myself, and play/pretend I am a college student. And to not have to work. That I could not bear. At least right now, and the reason is basically the same “why bother?” All I faintly know as far as the destination is concerned is that I’ll be more comfortable with a “safe” job, but one where I could speak in different languages (I speak four) and (a very “millennial” thing to say) make an impact. Call me a neurotic idiot, but I get the feeling I must be contributing to the betterment of society, at least somehow. Now, my problem is that I hate society 99% of the time, or at least some aspects of society. And I’m constantly making excuses to not take any sides, to not fight for anything, to not serve anyone, even myself. So, where am I now? In Hell. No. That would be too big of a world. I’m in a ditch. A spoiled brat in a ditch. A smart brat who won’t get out even though the ladder is here. So, where do I want to head? Correction, where do I think Iwant to head? I don’t know. Will this ever get published? Perhaps! I thought I’d ask you guys question, but by end of this diatribe the first words that pop up in my mind are “I’m doing this for myself” and the second words “why would I bother people with this?”. But heck, what do I have to lose. If this gets deleted, I still have it on my hard drive. If someone gets anything valuable out of this, good for them. If by any chance a good Samaritan helps me with a little piece of advice, I’ll be thankful. But I’m not asking for attention. No, wait, I am. I want to know what you guys think of this, how do you guys cope. And please don’t delete this the second you see this, Mister or Miss Moderator. I respect you and your job and I know the site rules. I don’t mean any harm, I just wanted to share my thoughts. That is all.

It is only my own opinion and you can do whatever you want with your life, but personally I am wary of any foreign and hallucinatory substances, especially since a lot of evidence exists that both personal development and enlightenment work can be done just as well without them. Again, go ahead if you're really interested and think the trip is worth it. Bon voyage

In short - pride and fear. I am anxious, reluctant to try new things and meet new people, often depressed and afraid. Yet at the same time I am arrogant and have victim mentality and little self-respect. I have a pathetic tyrant ruling me and warning me that leaving my comfort zone and challenging him will cost very dearly. A voice from the depths often tells me it will cost me even dearer to not try anything at all not seek change and growth. Yet I still pretty much approach life like an angry teenager who doesn't want to grow up. Cause I'm afraid that the second I try to meditate, develop myself, accept myself and reality I'll have the woa moment Leo was often talking about and... well I might just not make it. If I fully embrace and accept the fact that life has both good and bad sides, if I fully embrace and accept my own humanity and my own mortality, what will become of the me now? Leo said that life is about reconciliation, yet I just don't want to. I'm afraid to take the leap of faith, afraid of emotions, afraid of life. Thank you for creating the topic, have a good day.

Gentlemen, I've been feeling really down this morning and one video made my day. In short, I'm not very deep into personal development, I've been looking it up for the past three years along with material from doctor Jordan B. Peterson and and former soldier Jocko Willink. I'm currently at crossroads and the last months I've been questioning everything Leo and the gentlemen above profess and casting doubt on it. What I've been asking myself up to this morning was whether the process matters, whether me becoming more aware is important or not, whether me growing is, whether having more high quality positive emotions is important at all. Cause I think I don't matter. I know it is likely because the filters through which I see life are messed up or because I'm physically and emotionally and psychologically immature but I think I can argue the point of personal development because of a simple concept: if good and evil don't exist, if there is no such thing as a good or a bad emotion then what is the point of chasing them, imroving thir quality? what is the point of getting more knowledge, insights, revelations? what is the point of seeking a life purpose if the rewards are just some fulfillment, positive emotion, happiness that are ultimately meaningless? So there I was, confused as hell, and on my way back home I drew the ipod and switched on Leo's video on confusion, one I haven't rewatched in months. It blew me away. First, I kinda learned that apparently it's okay to be confused and it's okay to not know. Then I learned that it's okay to never know and it's even better to accept such things and move on. Then I learned that it does not matter if nature gives me answers in one year or in ten years. Up to this point I was sort of throwing "should" statements (Hi Leo's video on Anger) at my development process. I've spent the last five years on courses I had little to no interest in ended up in English and Japanese studies (1st year) where I've been yelling at myself from the beginning that I do not have the right to fail. Yet I have no work ethic, anxiety issues and introversion among other things, so basically I was frantically checking out psychology and personal development material to force out a reason to study more. Cause I thought I had no right to lose interest in Japanese and no right to try, let alone consider, any other activity. Then I had a revelation: the studies I'm doing now and the maturation process I've been putting off since I was seventeen (I still am, by the way, even though I'm turning twenty four this April), these studies, if anything, could land me a job and I could have a source of resources aside from my parents. Then I would have more time to think, to question, to study, to try out new stuff, maybe socialize more and basically I would have more time for more revelations to take place. Another revelation I had while listening to Leo's videos on confusion was how rigid and easily pissed off I've gotten over the last few years. At the end of high school I was kinda open minded, a little social and just a little clueless. Five years passed, and I grew more cynical, nihilistic and insane. I'm also secretly an asocial introvert even though I catch myself enjoying some of the interactions with others in my course (I'm not affected to the point I can't leave my house, thank God). So, in short, apparently I should not be too worried about feeling confused and overwhelmed. If anything I should do things in order and at my own pace, maybe even start by cleaning up my room as doctor Peterson famously recommended. And I should trust my intuition with what to start on first, not procrastinate or blindly set up some spartan study schedule I'd wip myself through to come more damaged at the end of. Finally Leo's video on confusion made me question one, no, all of the taboos I've put on myself since I was five. A fresh, recent one is "I am obliged to not repeat my first year. I must go on to the course's second year or else I'm a pathetic moron." Up until now, I've tyrannised myself with shoulds' and blamed the world for my failures and God for the absence of meaning, then absence of meaning for absence of meaning. You see, I don't need to repeat a year of Japanese to be a pathetic moron - I am already one. But I could use a bit more widsom, who knows? So, what are your thoughts on the subject of confusion? what about the subject of college studies? do you think I might want to explore other options outside of college? And lastly; if you ever had a lot of things that needed fixing, how did you decided on what to work on first? Thanks a lot, gentlemen, have a good day.

Thank you, WaveInTheOcean ! here's something I'd like to share with the community There's also this song: This one really made me ponder

Go outside, with friends or family if you can. Run or walk - up to you. Music or not - up to you. Try to clear your mind. To me personally it did bring some relief. Good luck on your journey!

Hello there, this is entry #1 of this self development journal. Since I am still quite confused and my lower self's holding me hostage, I'm not quite ready to commit to anything, but I'll do my best in updating this at least once per month. Let's say entry #2 is due around July. Do please keep in mind that I like writing. You could say I aspire to become a writer even though I lack the guts to be. So this first entry is going to list a few grievances I have with the world. To not be a hypocrite - this is how I honestly feel when I'm at my worst, I mean really really down. I am a bitter loner. Anything I post does not have the conscious intent to create polemic, nor do I intend to insult or slander anyone in particular. There'll be no finger pointing if not at me. One last thing: thank you Leo for giving me and so many others the opportunity to post on this forum, to debate, to interact. Thank you mods and the site staff. Thank you readers, or anyone stepping by to take a look. Have a good day! Entry #1 It started, I won’t even log in to this site, I’ll write it first then post it right away. I’m the sentient being known as Me, early twenties, male, apparently it could’ve mattered. Word’s out Higher Self wants to get rid of me, I mean He’s talking about peaceful negotiations, but we (with Lowie) know it can’t true. Better reign in hell than serve in heaven. So, I’ll open by reminding you that signs to start “self development” have yet to reach us. May I remind HS that it is lame and shameful to start working right away on the spot? Why not wait for Christmas, why not wait for some epiphany? What if the whole world blew away in an hour and we were foolishly working on some “development”. HS called it “exploring”. Exploring, my ass. Been there, done that. Resisted the urge to take the Literature road and focused on Math, switched to business studies when HS bitched about Maths not being his thing, dropped out of business studies cause no internship. Why? Cause people. What? Interaction? Been there, done that. In third grade a bastard jumped me in an alley. Wish I’d have wasted him. Never living through that kind of humiliation again. Can’t trust no one. People? They always end failing, they always cling to lust or religion or dogma. Take me. You can’t work with those who live their lives completely clueless to the problems of the world, let alone their own. When we could’ve dealt Evil a crippling blow ages ago, had we just all lived by the Bible. What? “practice what you preach?” Tee-hee. Some bishops raping kids and stepping in corruption ain’t no excuse to not live a virtuous life. Most of ya are all cattle, sheep living to small percentages of their potential. Caring about their families, their jobs… afraid to tackle issues head on, always electing the same politicians. Go rot in the world you turned into a swamp. Yes, a swamp. Maybe that’s why I prevented the Higher Self from conducting human interactions. The world’s all binary. Who can you trust? Family. Not always, but His’ turned to be all right. Everyone else is just trouble. Ya all created a swamp, why should I mess with some frogs? Plus HS, Lowie and I know we’re screwed anyway. At the deepest level there’s no meaning. Some guy out there has been talking ‘bout “reality just is, accept it”. Can’t recall how it aligned with some people making it big, cause they changed reality. Excuse? They “first changed their selves”? Yep, some kind of black magic. The same that made high level criminal organizations (often much helped by the State) grab all the power and money with all ya’ staying weak moaners. Cause what can you do? “Work on yourself” first?! Well m’am, when less than a tenth of a percent are doing it, what the hell is the point? If we are all screwed, why not indulge in pleasure instead? Selfish you say? Ya all are selfish. Yes, ya all the same. That’s why you’re no good. That’s why I made sure HS would not interact with ya, all those damn years. You see, I’m much better than most. First I’m aware of my status. Second I know what to do to make the world into a better place, at least on paper. Tolstoi once said “just live by the Bible, don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself. No political party is right, all are wrong” (Tolstoi, “On socialism”). Third I am moral. Yes, moral. Is it moral to pursue some self-development dream when the world is riddled with injustice? Is it moral to grow corrupt when pursuing morality and feeling dissatisfied? Is it moral to be dissatisfied at all? When you’ve got so much? Some preach to strive for happiness, passion, beauty. Sample, explore, fail, try again. Build up a routine, learn to enjoy work. What if meanwhile they are raping somebody downstairs? You can’t be everywhere. But you can change reality. Forever. Challenge it. Build a new world order. Conceptually it’s quite simple. Curse a few virtuous people with immortality and make them rulers. Their guidance can’t go wrong, can it? No, the most simple is just blow everything up. Don’t have kids. Never talk to people. Don’t look for a job, they’re all boring people, and it’s a boring job. Plus it can only burden you with responsibility, accountability, stress, drama. Yes it might make you feel happier, but does it matter? You can get happiness from drugs, we’re no more than dolls of flesh responsive to stimuli. So bottom line, ya done f*cked up, humanity. I’ll be keeping the Higher Self. If we never serve anything, if we don’t fight for anything, then at least we’ll do no Evil. We’ve zero chance to go corrupt. To betray our country, to alter history, to settle back an entire nation’s development for our little self. Ya done f*cked up humanity, go rot in hell.