Lauritz

At this moment I feel that I need a tripsitter next time. As I called my parents and even the police last time this panic attack hit me. The police was very calm and understanding though. But they still brought me to the hospital. I am very cautious because of that I also feel mentally much better prepared now. Also my meditation practice since then should help.

I am currently studying darkness retreats. I have a 14 day darkness retreat coming up in january. I was first made aware of this by the story of a woman's darkness retreat in the book "The Psychedelics Explorers Guide". It is really nice to read, but probably not worth buying the whole book, if it is only for that reason. I can recommend the book "Dawning of Clear Light" by Martin Lowenthal. Really a beautiful book. It is not very long, but many sentences go very deep. If you contemplate and try to get to the meaning behind some of it you can gain a lot of insight from it. And then you can find good information on this page: https://darknessretreats.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/david-m-kleinberg-levin-dzogchen-dark-retreat/ I have so far tried to meditate for 40h in the darkness. I already noticed shifts in my awareness. I speak about it here: The brain supposedly releases DMT and even 5-Meo-DMT after about a week in the darkness. So you start to see visions and are basically "tripping". From the reports I have read, it is very different though. You are still in full control obviously. And if you manage to meditate and stay calm it is a great opportunity to face ones fears. This is considered to be a difficult practice for advanced students according to buddhist teachings. I would not consider myself to be advanced in my practice. It will be a major challenge for me. I am going to post my "trip report" here at the end of january. I will have a speech-recorder with me in the darkness. It has no display and only one button for recording, so I can use it. So maybe I will be able to catch some first-hand insights that I have during the retreat. https://www.dmt-nexus.me/forum/default.aspx?g=posts&m=772878 Notice the profound similarities between these four experiences, despite being triggered by very different things. "I became Consciousness facing the Absolute. It had the brightness of myriad suns, yet it was not on the same continuum with any light I knew from everyday life. It seemed to be pure consciousness, intelligence and creative energy transcending all polarities. It was infinite and finite, divine and demonic, terrifying and ecstatic, creative and destructive..." – 5-MeO-DMT account (Stan Grof) "As I neared the warm glowing radiance ahead of me, I felt pure ecstasy. I was in the beginning of the light. I was part of the light…It was as if I had come home. I had come home to the beginning of not just me but the beginning of all eternity." – NDE account(via Kenneth Ring) "I was absorbed into this light, and this light became the entirety of space around me until I was only this giant, radiant light-filled void. I was real and home again and bigger than a trillion of our suns." – Darkness retreat account (Lindsey Vona) "At one point in my meditation, my head opened and flooded with light. I watched and felt this quiet bliss and gladness take over and noticed that my body became pure vibration." "I was a gigantic bigger-than-all-concept-of-universe radiant unending shimmering ball of light emanating perfect compassion forever without cause." "Even my experiences of perceiving the maya, of perceiving emptiness and suchness throughout my whole “life as Lindsey” as a spiritual seeker could not come close to this total absorption into self-remembering perfection of total...er...uh...beyond words and description annihilation into truth-light." ...etc.

@Girzo haha sorry. I was thinking you were driving while tripping. No two days later should be more than alright. And I know the feeling you mentioned. To the point that it can feel weird getting of the motorcycle. Like having to readjust once senses and behavior.

Are you serious? Please do not do that again... On psychedelics you can never be sure when a trance will hit you. Intensity can vary from one second to another. And you don't want to drive a car while you drop into some of those deeper states. That is exactly why psychedelics get a bad reputation. People using them irresponsibly.... I enjoyed the rest of your report though and agree with your conclusion. I have spend four years developing understanding and the right habits since my last real trip. Now I feel it is time to explore it again.

The strange loop is so strangely looped that it creates infinite perspectives back on itself through everyone of us!? But can we actually assume the show of experience is running in others simultaneously? Or is it all just Leo teaching himself? And me and you learning from ourselves at other times? I still have no answer for the question whether others really exist. Or if I will be living through their experience. Or if other people are just appearances on my strange-loop (which is the only one there can be) without their own center of conscious experience. It is all one. And if it is always one than the concept "others" as centers of (simultaneous) conscious experience must be false. It seems that I am still on a piece of this infinite band that is infinitely blind

They were even looking through my hand-luggage because of a pocket knife. And the book was the Psychedelics Explorers Guide But not even that made him suspicious.

I just took a flight yesterday with AL-LAD in my handluggage. It is also on blotters, so same should go for LSD. Just put it in a book and noone will notice it. But I think AL-LAD is still legal in the EU. So in theory it is not a problem if they find it. But that is not true for LSD of course.

Imagine you were playing it even so well that you forgot that you hid, forever. You did it so well, maybe you just cannot find yourself ever again. What a mindfuck that is

I enjoyed reading your post. I reflects my own thoughts from time to time. I am interested in Truth on the one hand but at the same time feel that it will get me nowhere. Then I think, I am happy with being, what could there be more and meditation happens naturally. Thoughts loose their importance and just flow by. On my psychedelic journeys I had this strong intuition that I tried to solve the mystery of reality already for many many lifetimes. That it is impossible to solve. After the trips my gratitude for the fact that I exist and am aware of it is incredibly high. But it seems to fade after a few weeks when life regains its grasp ("something really important comes around") on me to a degree. I am at a point where I think I can flow with everything, as long as I remain present. I see value in mainly three things when it comes to realizing Truth and a pain-free, worry-less atittude towards life (or ultimately enlightenment): - Resting in Awareness (Meditation-Practice or All-Day-Awareness) - Psychedelics - Conceptual Knowledge I see conceptual knowledge more as entertainment these days. I introduce myself to new concepts and see how I can validate them. But in and of themselves they should always be regarded as something that arises in awareness. So it can never be the absolute truth. Similar to a sign-post on a hiking track, which is not the track. To see how this could not be any other way, psychedelics can help greatly.

Indeed a great realization to be had. When it hit me the first time I was completely frightened and confused. It helps greatly to know it before you experience it. Maybe you can laugh about it than. I have to say I live in the "knowing" of that truth now, but when I am involved in daily life, the illusion of me living this life is fully back in operation. Anyone here who is constantly walking around with this feeling of the experience without an experiencer?

I can tell you about my own experiences after a couple of shroom trips. They changed my dreams and made me much more aware of them. What you experienced could just have been lucid dreams but you were not aware of the dream state. And you were dreaming that you are lying there in your bed. It is common for me. I had scary experiences similar to yours as well. Like thinking I am lying in my bed waiting to fall asleep and then suddenly I feel that someone grabs me by the shoulders and violently pulls me back through the wall. But I was only afraid of it the first time. After that I knew it was just a dream and could relax and enjoy such weird dreams. Do not believe in any weird theories your mind comes up with, like the shroom god or something...

Oh yes your trip report really came at the right time for me. I am in a similar situation. I had a very scary trip 4 years ago and for a long time I tried to avoid that fear by not taking any psychedelics. Since then I have learned a lot and now I know they just showed me a lot which I was not prepared for at the time. But I was able to integrate and understand a lot. So I think I am in very similar shoes as you were before your trip. Now I want to take AL-LAD in a normal dose, maybe 100-150mcg next weekend. But currently I have not so much control over my set. I cannot be sure to have a room only for myself for the length of the trip for example. That concerns me a bit. And going alone in nature, I am a bit too scared of. What if the sounds form outside are too annoying and I cannot shut them up... Those concerns go through my mind. So I guess I am in "your" phase of postponing it yet another weekend. Your trip report helped a lot though. Tycho is really nice, I agree.

I never have taken 5-Meo, but your experience sounds good. I can relate to it (but maybe not) because I have taken mushrooms. I would say that concepts do not make sense to you is because you are still experiencing from the point of non-duality. Where even the infinite parts happening on the creation side of duality do not exist. And yes, concepts are revealed. They are the structure that hold up the illusion. You can see through them. Can be difficult or beautiful. If you are interested in Truth than you will probably enjoy the massive amounts of Truth being shoveled down your throat. It really can be beauty in its rawest form that is revealed behind every thought.

In my opinion you should first pursue getting as much happiness for yourself as possible. In practical terms that means becoming enlightened. And after that you can evaluate again what you want to do in the world. An enlightened mind might cause you to behave in ways you cannot imagine right now. Attributes like unlimited compassion and acting self-less come to my mind. The goal of becoming unconditionally happy yourself might in the end actually line up quite well with the goal of helping others. Your goal might become to help as many other people as possible to reach the state of enlightenment. And you do it naturally because now you see the immense degree of their suffering.

I post this without comment

I agree with your whole post! I want to add that believing in the illusion and in the content of the thoughts is as much what arises as other sensory direct experiences. Why do you make that distinction? It is all part of the illusion of being a human. Just my empty thoughts

Currently I am working on a farming project. For someone else and there are lots of interpersonal problems that make progress a lot harder. Conflicting goals and ways of working. But right now I try to figure out what it is that I do not like with working for someone else. I do not want to run away from something that is an opportunity to grow. Just as Leo once mentioned, just becoming self-employed does not solve the problems I have with working with and for someone else. There is probably some underlying issue in my own psyche that I could also deal with and grow from it. But it is really difficult when you see how unconscious the decisions of your boss are. Is it then worth to stay and work for that person? I do not know right now... But on the farming part I can say that it really is hard work and you have to like it. The most important thing is to find a good way to produce while working with nature and not against it. And many farming practices are stupid, even if they call themselves to be part of permaculture principles.

I had similar experiences. In the end you realize that the only thing there is are your perceptions. There is no actual reality behind it. No solid matter. It is one thing to know it and it is another thing when those false concepts you are holding are actually dropping away. It is like a believe that is only true because it is stored in your brain. Your intellect has probably already seen through those illsuions. And now your subconscious is catching up with that. At least that is my explanation for it. Could be wrong of course. I compare it to a bad habit. Your intellect might know that it is bad for you, but you are still doing it. Until you have watched yourself doing it often enough (with awareness) and then suddenly you stop it. Something in your subconscious has shifted.

I had only one particularly strong trip. I took 3 gr of dried powdered mushrooms after having fasted for a week. I would not recommend this. I was physically too weak. But nonetheless i can give you a short trip report. First there were profound feelings of deep love, recognition, remembering and deep awe about the depth of knowledge and insight I was getting. The feling of love was soo unimagineable that it probably was the cause of my ego death. Love was literally ripping me apart. I had to process it in very strange ways. Like weird sounds and gestures. Until I felt like I became insane. At first it was fun. But there came a point where I wanted it to stop. Formerly I had no idea about what I really am. I was still believing i am the body. So the revelations where quite shocking. At the time it was frightening. The experience was looping infinitely. I was falling through nothingness forever, only to somehow arrive back at the place I call my life. It did not make any sense to me at the time. But it still was unmistakably correct and obvious. Thats it in short. Prepare yourself with the right mental construct and keep asking yourself what you are. Let go and let the experience happen. Watch leos videos on infinity. Good tripping and i am looking forward to your trip report.

@egoless I agree, sharing and learning from the experiences of others is very important. But it just seemed to me that you are looking for some definite answers here. I am glad you got some good advice in this thread on how to arrive at an answer through contemplation.

@egoless curiosity is good but learning something by reading about it will always leave you with believing. You can believe so strongly that you think you know something. But only through direct experience will you really know it for sure. Otherwise there will always be a hint of doubt remaining in the back of your mind. No matter how solid and convincing the theory You have to go through the proof. And you do not want to change? What is learning good for then? Then its just for entertainment. And probably you will continue to look for "knowledge" that reinforces what you already believe or what you would like to believe...

@egoless you are definitely asking too many questions. Do the work, get insights and see where it takes you. Once you experience yourself as the infinite your question becomes irrelevant. You will see that they only arise due to the limited amount of consciousness you have access to right now.

A couple of weeks ago I had this thought of how nice it could be to live in a community that is based around advancing consciousness. I have visited several "eco"-communal living projects before. But the amount of interpersonal drama and the level of consciousness was still surprisingly low. Egos acting out their supposedly good environmental and spiritual values without a real core of true understanding. I thought a community of highly conscious people who are also interested in sustainable, self-sufficient and simple living could be a good place live. And asking the members of this forum might be my best chance at reaching such a group of people. Such a community would be different from existing monasteries of the various religions in so far that it has no one particular teaching and the members are free to choose the path they follow. Who is interested in living in a such community? This is a list of possible framing guidelines: - members would need to be first and foremost interested in truth and self discovery through direct experience - free of any dogma and attachment to any one teaching - living simply and with as little negative impact on the earth as possible - growing food for high self-sufficiency - located outside of cities in an area of lower property costs - the community provides several services to humanity at large to advance the development of highly conscious people (guided entheogenic sessions, meditation retreats, seminars, dark room retreats,...) These would just be my starting ideas and are of course open for discussion. Please share your opinion on the idea whether you are interested or not.

@phoenix666 Yes it hit me totally by surprise. Because I am doing self inquiry the question naturally popped up in my mind "what is the distance betwen me and the experience". And suddenly the sense of I now includes everything. But its more of a background feeling. Just as you are not always consciously associating with the body. My journey started after some deep experiences on mushrooms 4 years ago. I do not even remember how it happenend that I became interested in them. Mostly out of curiosity I guess. Its so funny to think back to the moment I took them and see how little I knew about what I am getting myself into. 3g of dried powdered mushrooms in lemon juice. After I had been water fasting for one week dont know what i was thinking back then. But the trip turned my worldview upside down. Or rather it forced me to do that afterwards. How about your journey? I hope it started from a more informed standpoint?

@phoenix666 Yes I plan to write one... But interestingly I just had another huge shift in awareness. The most profound I ever experienced. "I" am no longer identified with the body but with the whole of my experience. It happened spontaneously while I was looking at a distant mountain, thinking "how is the outer edge of my skull actually supposed to be behind that mountain?". As all experience is supposed to arise in the mind... at least that is what everyone thinks in normal society, and most are not even aware of that. They think they really look at reality. Anyways... My sense of self now encompasses everything and I can see the infinite loop and how part of the infinite loop is the illusion that I am in a human body. The inside and outside experience hold each other up without any solid reality behind them. I can go to infinity and still end up being me. This huge shift happened so quickly, it hit me completely by surprise. But it feels good. Incredible to feel that everything and especially other beings are arising within me. Now I look forward even more to AL-LAD. To see how this trip on top of this new sense of self actually turns. That there actually is no difference between me and everything that arises. So incredible!!!