Valach

To elaborate further on this. You are doing all this out of self protection. You have learned in the first 2 years of your life that being vulnerable is not safe. To really upon others emotionally and to be relied upon yourself is not safe. And thus you unconsciously self-sabotage any potential for a relationship by hanging out with woman that you know are not a relationship material for you and running away that have "potential". Because you know, potential is scary. It means you might get hurt, you might get rejected and abandoned and that will trigger all the wounds living in you. I am not judging what so ever. I am struggling with the same shit and it is hard. So fucking hard. But I have found that if I want to have a healthy relationship at some point. If I want to have a healthy life, I need to resolve all of this.

Yeah. I feel like this is what is causing the drive to have a lot of casual sex (in my case it was at least). We use sex as a means of validation and to soothe pain. To compensate for a lack of security we did not get as little children. Check out Ideal parent figure protocol. Might be helpful for you. Also you kind of need to stop doing the casual sex and casual dating thing so u can feel all the shit you are avoiding by doing that. That is at least what my teacher told me.

@Zenterus Hey brother, I resonate with your struggle quite a bit. Have you explored attachment theory? I've found that it connects to this quite deeply.

What kind of experiences are you getting? I feel like when it comes to looks, no matter what your belief is, you will find a confirmation if you look for it.

From my experience this is quite false. Looks are not really the driving factor of womans attraction. Not to mention that this viewpoint is quite toxic.

What is that?

In my experience, there is segment of guys who grow out of pickup and its mentality.

I am curious what role do you expect from a romantic partner in your life? What values are you screen for then?

@TwentyfirstNot everyone is interested in creating such lifestyle.

@LyubovDoes not build a healthy foundation for a building a relationship though. That is my issue with it.

@Leo Gura Isn't it dangerous to still learn these aspects of his behaviour to get some results? Doesn't it corrupt you as a person then? I feel like learning a more holistic approach to meeting woman eventhough you might not get as many results (though they might be of higher quality) is better for your development no?

Well. Yeah, that happens a lot too. But I meant, these girls were not really seeking relationships with me per say. They didn't know me enough for that as it was ONS usually. But I always felt like they do not really thrive on this lifestyle. And I found out that me neither.

@Miguel1 I had this phase as well. Eventhough I was trying to always be transparent about things being only casual and not leading woman on I had this weird feeling. Woman were okay with it and often times were even seeking these casual encounters, but I could not shake down the feeling that deep down they do not truly desire this.

I thought so too in the past. I found out that this was just me conditioning myself that I am not good enough and that I need to do or achieve something to give myself permission to go after what I truly want.

Ah I see. As I mentioned it at the start of the topic, I am currently taking a break from dating because of an breakup. It has been now 3 months without sex for me and I am surprised how fine I am with it. Like I do not have much motivation to go out just to get sex. Don't get me wrong, I will be going out since I want to find a partner but the sex thing? Not really keen on that as much. I've had times when I would sleep with like ~5 new girls every months and it did nothing for my happiness. It was just draining it. I feel as you said, it is not really a physical desire but psychological. It is a desire for validation, for being wanted, for doing the same thing others are doing. But once you see through that, it's hard to find motivation to just go after sex with woman that you do not like that much. I still love sex, but I want to have a connection and strong attraction with someone for that. But that happens rarely. I've been on maybe like 50 dates over the last summer and most of the time I did not even feel like escalating (and I was feeling a lot of pressure to do so because of this conditioning). It is all so confusing isn't it.

Interesting. Do you really find more sex to increase your happiness? I've found that it does not do much for me honestly. And I do have fairly high libido.

It is quite early to ask I have barely noticed it is 2026 already. I am also taking break from dating and sex as I struggled with my last breakup since November. But I feel like I am about to return to the game but do it with more clear intentions. If I may ask, did you not have any sex at all since 2023?

I see. Would you say sex is a coping mechanism for you? I am starting to encouter it quite a bit in my local pickup community. Anyways, I do not have much advice to give you. It seems like you know where the issue lies anyway. Just letting you know that you are not the only person who struggles with this as I also tend to sabotage my relationships. In my case it is probably because I am afraid of being vulnerable and being abandonment.

@Zenterus I am bit confused, didn't you in your post about pickup say that you don't really consider casual sex to be healthy or good for you? Have you changed your mind on that?

Hi, I have something I’ve been reflecting on lately, and I’d really like to hear other people’s perspectives. In various pickup communities, there’s a commonly repeated idea that a man should have abundance — approach many women, date multiple women, and have “options.” The reasoning is usually that if a man doesn’t have abundance, he becomes needy, women sense it, find it unattractive, and if he enters a relationship with one specific woman, his behaviour may eventually push her away. Lately, however, I’ve been questioning how realistic this actually is and how healthy it really is. Even when I approach and date many women, I notice that the number of women with whom I form a genuinely deep connection is quite small. I might be dating ten women, but if I don’t genuinely care about nine of them, it doesn’t really give me a true sense of abundance. At the same time, it seems to me that constantly “building abundance” requires a certain emotional detachment, which can lead to unhealthy patterns and may actually block the ability to form a deeper connection with someone. What’s more, this entire paradigm is starting to feel needy in itself. It seems like a way of masking a deeper issue. It comes across to me as an internal belief along the lines of: “I’m not attractive enough and I can’t be happy on my own, so I have to constantly create artificial options — options I don’t actually care that much about — in order to validate myself and my self-worth.” I’m still somewhat unsure about this, but I’d really like to hear what others think: Is abundance more of an internal state, or an external reality? Where do you see the line between healthy abundance and emotional avoidance? Is it possible to be non-needy without constantly creating options? Looking forward to your perspectives.

While I myself am not the biggest fan of pickup in general and there are a lot of issue with it for sure I can't really agree that pickup does not make you more attractive. Going out a lot and talking to a lot of people while sober and pushing your comfort zone constantly does help you grow you as a man and you attractivness to a certain points. Attributes like confidence, charisma, social skills, empathy and groudness and general masculinity are definitely attractive to woman and can be developed using pickup framework. Though along the way you can carry on a lot of bad habits and beliefs as well.

Hey guys, I’m facing a bit of a dilemma that I’d like to share here. I recently went through a breakup, and I’ve been thinking about going out again — mainly to practice my social skills, meet new women, and grow in this area of my life. I still have room to improve, and I’d like to build a wider pool of people to choose from for my next girlfriend, or possibly a life partner. I just turned 29, so I feel like I don’t have much time to waste. The thing is, my views on casual encounters and sex have changed quite a bit since my younger days. In the past, I saw casual sex as something completely normal — nothing wrong with sleeping around, whether it was me or people around me. To this day, I’ve slept with about 40 women, most of them from dating apps, a few through friends, and a couple from cold approaches. But as I’ve gotten older, I don’t view casual sex or dating the same way anymore. I’ve come to see sex as something deeply intimate and emotional, not just a physical act. I feel like a lot of people — myself included — have used casual sex to fill emotional voids. Many do it to validate themselves, escape loneliness, avoid their thoughts, or simply out of boredom. The more I’ve connected with myself, the more clearly I see this pattern. Whenever I feel the urge to have someone in my bed, I notice that underneath that desire are feelings of loneliness, low self-worth, or insecurity. And yet, society normalizes casual sex so much that it almost feels like you’re “supposed” to be doing it if you’re single — otherwise, you’re missing out or not desirable. But when I talk to people about their experiences, many admit (or don’t want to admit) that they don’t truly enjoy it. Even the women I’ve dated often seemed like they were just trying to escape something or feel validated. I struggled with this especially over the summer, when I went on a lot of dates — sometimes almost every night. But honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was even doing. On one hand, there’s this whole pickup culture telling men to be confident, charismatic, and to escalate toward sex. I’ve always found that part difficult — I get anxious and nervous on dates, and I struggle to escalate naturally. On the other hand, even when I did, it often felt forced — like I was trying to create something out of nothing. When there’s no real connection, it just feels empty. At this point, I’d rather spend time with a good friend and feel present with them than go on a date with an attractive woman I don’t genuinely connect with. Has anyone else experienced this? How do you view it? Part of me feels like I’ve simply matured, but another part wonders if I’m using this mindset as a way to avoid being vulnerable — to avoid pushing through the discomfort that comes with attraction, intimacy, and social risk. Would really appreciate your thoughts on this Btw. All the text is coming from me and my head only. But I admit I used chatGPT for formatting and fixing grammar issues as I am not a native speaker of English. Hope that is fine with all.

Do you mean the Self-Love - The Highest Teaching In The Universe? I am currently going through the life purpose course as well so hoping that will help too

Thanks brother. Would you have some pointers into how to go about loving yourself?

I think it is both pickup and general society brainwashing. You are supposed to have sex when you are single right?