Geog

@ajasatya well I'm not mindful at all. I try to be but I always end up making scenarios in my head or singing a song(which is a very common in my case). To be honest I don't fully understand how to be mindful all the time. What I mean is that when I try to be mindful I also have this voice in my head talking to myself that I should be mindful and do this and that, stay focus and all this. After some time I find this distracting as well. Can you give some advice on this issue? Thx!

@Erlend K Thx, I will look into CBT as seems that this is what I need at the moment. Yes I guess I should practice gratitude more because at the moment I'm not actually doing any because, well you know catch 22 :).

Hi all, I know that this issue is discussed here A LOT and basically we all have the same issue: we are not happy. My "problems" are not different from all other posts related to emotional issue I find here but still I want to take some time and write down all that is holding me back, at least this is what I can do for now. Funny enough is that I'm writing this post on my laptop which has the broken display and the image is shaking/blurring effect which reminds me that I feel that same :). I'm 29, married, father recently, software engineer. From my childhood I remember myself as being shy. I don't remember any particular moment when I did become shy but I still remember when I was 4-5 years old and I used to tell stories to member of my family and I was confident back then :). So, shyness was a problem I had from childhood, always had problem to face new people and talk with them. This shyness(which I guess include fear to express myself) was hunting me all my life through school, university making me anxious and not operating on my full potential. I could not break from this feeling and I always had poor results. Another reason I think I had poor results is that I had problems to learn things. I had moment when I did learn things easily but most of the time I could not deepen my understating about specific topic because I always got anxious/tired at some level and I just gave up(procrastination). Another anxious building activity in my childhood was that I was doing things that I didn't really want todo. Here I mean things related to house work and other activities which implies a lot of physical work. But I never really expressed(not all the time) my dissatisfaction because I new that nothing will change actually, I have todo what I have todo no matter I like it or not(I wish I new mindfulness back then ). Then I started to work, become independent but after few years I started to feel deeply unsatisfied with things I do and because I still was caring that anxiety from childhood I could not fully express and be happy so, slowly I started to become somehow lethargic and with less energy, tired most of the time. Now I reached the rock bottom I think(I guess there is only one way- UP!). A year ago I started to practice medication I started to read more about mindfulness and all this information about why we are really unhappy. I stared to understand what is ego and basically started to follow some meditation techniques. In the begging I really felt some improvements and it really made a difference in my wellbeing. But now, after one year, I feel like I'm stuck, all my body is tense and I'm more anxious like never before. I don't have any meaning, I don't have any goal I'm pursuing, I feel like I'm not good at anythings because anything I start will get bored soon because I'm afraid/lazy to be consistent with it because I don't really feel that this is what I want todo. When I'm seeing my family I don't really interact with them, they know that I don't really like to speak and we are exchanging brief discussions and of course I also feel anxious around them. I thought that becoming a father will change things but they don't, I still feel that I don't know who I am and what I want todo. I'm looking for True meaning but all people around have this small talk and recently I became neurotic about this. I started to mark people sentences/ideas/thoughts as not True, as idea created by the ego and this makes me distant from people and all around me can feel this, I can see in there eyes that they don't want to interact with me because I have this sad eyes myself. But at the same time I also recognize in myself that I'm also making all this up from my ego, that all this sadness is an illusion so, I'm stuck into this state of unknown, a state in which I barely can say that I know smth. I feel like all I know is not True and I can't trust whatever idea came to mind. I hardly hear from my intuition because all I can feel is this pressure in my head, a pressure that is intensifying sometimes, sometimes doing meditation is goes away and I feel more light. I know that I have to start working on this but I always fail because I don't feel some willing to change, some inner desire to break thought this and keep myself on track. Also I started to have breathing issues Not sure if this post will change smth but I decided to write down my state maybe you guys have some tips with will trigger my inner self to wake up. Thx you all, this forum is really helpful.

@Dodo Thx, Yes I'm also thinking to try such techniques. I did try few times holotropic breathwork but I guess I need todo it consistent in order to see some results.

@ThinAir Thx for information Yes, I will keep meditation and I will try to focus on sensation in the nostrils because that's the easiest way for me to focus at the moment.

@AlwaysBeNice Thx, I think this also has todo with me trying to breath more from the belly(as is suggested by yoga). I was not used to breath that way and now todo it all the time I have to be aware of it and consciously do the breath from the belly. Once, during meditation I somehow manage to let it go and I felt such a relief. I was breathing so easily and my belly part was not tense at all. I guess now I do have some expectations during meditation about my breathing and this adds up to this frustration.

@AleksM Thx for your replay. The problem is that I can't just let the breath be and be aware of it, I have to breath :). I know it sounds strange but if I just sit quite and observe the breath I'm not breathing and at some point I'm forcing myself to breath. Currently I'm trying to not manipulate breathing but I must say I don't have any results yet. This situation makes me anxious during meditation and also does not allow me to concentrate on smth because I constantly have to switch the context between breathing and other activity I'm doing, crazy :).

Hi, I started to meditate recently(around 6 months now) and mostly I simple tried to follow my breath. I'm not sure how I got here, but now I have the breathing on my mind all the time. So, at the moment if I'm doing smth else I always kind of have to breath :), if that make sense. I got to a state that I have to breath consciously, i can't let the breath be by itself and focus on smth else and forget about it. This is annoying because I can't focus on smth else, breath is on my way :). There were few times when I managed, via meditation, to let go of this need to breath and it was really great, a big relief. I want to ask you guys if you met such issues during your meditation and how to overcome it? Any feedback about this is really appreciated. Thx a lot!