lostmedstudent

Love this ❤️

I attended an Ayahuasca ceremony last weekend, which was my second time drinking Ayahuasca tea. It was a religious ceremony so there was some chanting and question/answers periods, but I was so totally absorbed in my trip that I wasn’t able to pay attention to any of those. This trip was a TOTAL MIND FUCK. I was so mind-fucked I do not even know where to begin, or how to put anything in words. I remember during the peak of the trip, I kept repeating in my head: what was seen cannot be unseen, and ignorance is bliss. I had a bad trip last April during which I was sent to the hospital. In that trip, I was not sure whether I was alive or not. I felt that I was everyone and anyone at the same time. It took me months to overcome that bad trip. The reason that I am mentioning that is because as I began to feel the effect of the tea, it connected right with the last trip. The two trips merged and became one. It made so much sense how it connected and how this is the obvious path down the road. I felt stuck in this loop, the loop of trying to pursue the truth. I was then hit with the feeling that EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE. I cannot even tell you what made sense exactly, but I just kept repeating of course, of course.. But of course… of course I drank the tea to experience this, of course I had the bad trip, of course! I understood everything, EVERYTHING. Or so it felt. I understood what Leo has been saying all along. I understood every awakened trip reports I have read. I felt the circular nature of life. I realized that I HAVE NEVER lived. The realizing felt SO REAL, so convincing and life as I knew felt like a joke. I thought of my boyfriend and my parents and how they did not really exist. There really is only me. I saw it SO CLEAR that I can only repeat: but why, what ? Why? How? Ok but why? I wished I did not know. I wished that I did not take that tea. I also felt clairvoyant. I knew I wouldn’t believe what I experienced once I "come back" and I would be posting on the forum and asking questions but the answers seemed so obvious to me at the moment. And I knew there was NO WAY to explain this to anyone. That’s what I have been doing all my life, and that’s what ill keep doing, and that’s what everyone will keep doing, one way or another : pursue the truth. Once I was "convinced" that It has been me all along and all will merge with truth eventually, I saw life as no point. I felt that there was no point in doing anything at all. Nothing matters in this game called life, it literally , truthfully did not matter. Theres no point in asking any questions because I have all the answers in that moment, no point in judging, no point in hating or helping. The comedown was surprisingly smooth. However, I had this intense burn/hot/warm/energetic sensation in the perineum that was slightly uncomfortable. As expected, as the trip subsided, my life felt more real than that "experience". I only remember how convincing those realizations were, but they did not stick, and I am already doubting if that was just a dream. I did not feel being one with the universe or awakened. I think I was mindfucked more than anything. My main questionning is: how do I know if those realizations are absolute truth (as they undoubtingly were during the trip) or another belief/idea? Because it seems like they are highly influenced by what I have been fed such as "this is all imaginary" or "life is a loop" or "I never lived".. How come they felt SO REAL , and now I can barely remember it? any other pointers for me ? Thank you all for your help.

@ajasatya agreed. met my fb through tinder. It works but you just have to be smart and clear about what you want .

@mandyjw i felt dumbfounded during the peak. Just awestruck and mind blown. Maybe a little sad too. I felt like crying, but the second i wanted to cry, it felt like I’ve cried a thousands times and tears have dried. No fear or joy though

@Serotoninluv but the subsequent ones ?

@DrewNows thank you! and to everyone who responded to my thread @Eu Sint @inFlow @Serotoninluv @zeroISinfinity do you ever regret taking the first step and got you deep down this rabbit hole?

Wow thank you for sharing man! its a beautiful report!

@inFlow wow I like the graph, thanks !! it also makes sense why it’s so hard to believe that experienced even happened after we come down to the baseline

@Eu Sint thank you! during the trip I thought : no more psychedelics, I have seen enough ?? but the curiosity killed the cat. I will definitely be going back as now there’s no return to the old self However the experience was too abstract that I cannot integrate it at all to my day to day life

@Serotoninluv thanks i find ayahuasca to have very little visuals. It wasn’t distracting but of course! both ayahuasca and non ayahuasca as real!!! I just cannot realize it yet yes, I am definitely trying to make sense of it and the more I think of it, and the more time has passed, the more crazy (less real) it seems.

@Eu Sint has that realization / experience ever scared you? knowing that it is all you and all is enlightened? i guess as you said you have experienced this since such a young age that it has become a norm, so probably not scary. but for some people to have that realization all of a sudden on a trip, its quite a lot to stomach. how should we deal with nihilist thoughts, such as theres no point in life, ,ans all just goes in full circle? thanks

@Koyaanisqatsi thNk you for the post i am interested to know two questions previously asked but to which you did not answer: 1. did psychedelics help you along your journey? 2. Was there ever fear of death / panic , if so, how did you overcome it ? thank you so much

Beautiful thanks

Congrats i am from Mtl as well

I am currently spending a week in palliative care, taking care of patients who are dying imminently. Witnessing death from such a intimate and close angle has made me feel uneasy, yet peaceful. Even patients in palliative care do not accept the fact that they are dying. Besides physical pain, Most of them are anxious of being here. We do not directly discuss death with the patients either, unless they want to talk about it. The symptoms that we aim to relieve at end of life are mostly pain, anxiety, nausea, and trouble breathing. Both the pain med (opiod) and the anxiety med (benzo) are sedative at high doses, which would be the case for most patients as they pass. So as expected, their deaths are mostly peaceful from an outsiders POV with those medications : not much respiratory labor, the face is quite relaxed at death, and not much agitation. Compared to some dying process I witnessed in hospitals, it is indeed much more dignified and peaceful. However, I am curious to know what the sedative effect has on consciousness at death. Would it be better to suffer yet lucid or to be not suffering but sedated when dying? I have never experienced ego death , I would like to hear from those of you who has, what do you think about symptoms reliefs at death. Would that easy the ego fading process? thanks for everyone’s input in advance

@Peo yes for sure, but I don’t have balls as we can clearly see ??

@nowimhere @Leo Gura thanks . Really appreciate it. i will meditate and cultivate more sense of love before the next trip! yhank you

Love for what? how to develop love? ...

@Leo Gura yeah that does make sense in a way. But for someone who really didn’t want to skydive, that would create a lot more trauma than someone who WOULD LOVE to skydive. i am just afraid to develop some sort of PTSD or psychosis and end up functioning worse than I am right now in life. It probably sounds ridiculous from your POV, even paradoxical to myself as I write it. But I don’t know how to approach it... or deep down I know but I don’t want to..

@Wes Thoughts thank you so much for sharing this. i had a similar reaction when I watched Leo’s video on his blog two weeks ago : https://www.actualized.org/insights/total-omniscience-awakening it took me 2 days to finish that video because I had to pause on the first day in the middle of it because I felt like I was going insane and I was scared and terrified. Then the second day I managed to finish the video but had similar feelings. Now I don’t even dare watch that video you mentioned because I know I am not ready for to face the truth yet. @Leo Gura I reckon that psychedelics will make the ego death easier but I feel like at this state of mind (fear), I am bound to have a panic attack with it. I have never felt this kind of existential terror before. Would you say in times like this, is it better to step away from spirituality and get back to the basics and hope to find the same curiosity and desire for Truth as we first did when we started on this path? I definitely do not relate for the part : your love for truth must be so great that you wanna die for it. I don’t feel like drive anymore .. thanks

Thank you for sharing!!! i would love for Leo to see this and have his opinion about this txt! @Leo Gura

@ivankiss thank you for the wise words. Appreciate it . one thing for sure is that nothing is permanent, including that state of fear. I am going to start meditating again and take a break from the non duality forums and such. Im glad we got to share this and had your response. It’s awesome! take care

@ivankiss what is the best way to integrate an experience ?

@mandyjw ive stumbled upon some of the people you mentioned but i dont follow their contents. maybe i should. because lately everytime i listen to leos stuff or read some of the posts, it can drive me to a panic . maybe i need some thing more soothing. i have done fear settings (is it the tim ferries thing?) once or twice when dealing with a dilemma. i should confront my fear , i know. but my mind is too distracting these days it does a good job at avoiding manythings. thank you