kieranperez

All, So a little over a year ago I dated the first girl I ever fell in love with. It really happened fast for both of us because 2 weeks into dating, leaving out a lot of details that would make this post way too long, she already had a guy who was out to get her. This girl was a recovering drug addict of cocaine (I got her clean and sober when I was with her) and had a dealer who was after her. I housed her at my place. Then 3 weeks into the relationship she was diagnosed at Stage 3 Skin Cancer. She begged me to leave so I didn't have to deal with her struggle but I refused to go anywhere. Tying in with that, she suffered from PTSD and Family Abandonment because when she was 14 (she was 19 when we dated) her brother saved her life by sacrificing his in a car crash by taking the impact on her side of the car. He was the favorite child and so her parents and only other brother blamed her for his death because the car was coming in on her side so they made the statement that she was supposed to die. Not him. They wished he survived. So they abandoned her in her own house at 14. She ended becoming a drug addict shortly after that. Granted, I didn't know all of this when we started dating. So when she was diagnosed with cancer, she was at a point of being so done with her life she stopped going to her amino therapy that she was going through until I literally made her go. To give an example on how serious this was... one night she had a gout attack (cancer patients are susceptible to gout) . We were at my place and I drove her to her place so she could rest. There's a stair case that leads to her room but I told her, still remember the words, "You're going up these steps on your own. This is your life and you're going to turn this around by getting yourself up these steps. You can do this. I believe in you." Keep in mind, she could barely walk without screaming in pain. She made it up the steps while I'm crying hysterically with loving pride that I was dating such a strong girl. Shortly after that, after making her go to therapy, she beat her cancer. We even almost moved in together. Then 10 days before my birthday she decided to move away from me to go to Lake Tahoe (I live in the SF Bay Area). I was so heartbroken I cried everyday quite literally for the next month and a half until I literally couldn't take not being with her and I literally decided to drive 4 hours, 200 miles to Tahoe just to surprise and be with her... for only 6 hours. I knew she still loved me cause she left believing she didn't deserve the love I was giving her. We had a great time seeing each other but then clarified before I left to go home that she didn't love me anymore. I drove back crying the entire 4 hours. We tried talking on and off for a few months just being chill, even though in the back of my mind I knew I was still in love with her. I just couldn't let it go. Also... all of this that happened while we were dating was all in a 3 MONTH time-span... Eventually on her birthday weekend in September she surprised me in my neighborhood. I tried to play it cool cause she was trying to play the whole 'we can just chill and be friends and stuff.' I stood up for myself and told her I'm not going to play this game. One thing lead to another and then she apologetically and shamefully confessed that she slept with 2 guys within 2 weeks of leaving me and was already seeing someone which she didn't tell me knowing I was still in love with her. I went OFF on her yelling on top of my lungs telling how she's fucking scum for trying to play it cool with me and then just casually tell me this while she knows I'm still madly in love with her. I told her I'd never talk to her again. She left crying and I left steamed... I reached out the next day apologetically. Trying to play it cool. This unhealthy game went on for awhile. Off and on. Then when she was going to visit on Thanksgiving she said she was considering to "stop by and maybe say hi," as if she was going to do me a favor. Right when she said that, I had enough. I blocked her on all media, phone number, everything. I cried cause I was so proud of myself for moving on... Then about a month ago I unblocked her on everything.. We don't talk but on Instagram I saw she has a new boyfriend that she keeps posting she's madly in love with. I keep looking at it with hate. Not at the guy. But at her and at myself because, as time passed I started to see all the mistakes I made too that pushed her away. I saw things in her shoes. Especially as I got deep into Personal Development. So I had a more broad point of view that I thought relaxed me a bit more and be more at peace. However... I've been struggling so fucking hard with girls since we broke up. Even when I thought I had moved on. I noticed subtle behaviors that I could see tied in with the trauma of the breakup I had with this girl. My first realization as an example was: I was more heartbroken by the breakup because I was more emotionally invested in it because I was there almost acting as her caretaker for a lot of what went on between us. So I was bound to get more hurt. I thought that was the end of it though. I notice now though just how deep I struggle with girls now because every time I even THINK about talking to a girl I think is really cute I just have this thing in the back of my head that almost gives off this vivid image that the other girl is going to blow me aside like I don't matter because she's better off without me... The belief I now see I have because I see my ex is so happy without me. I'm at a point now though where I'm just SO FILLED with hate that everyday I just wish this guy shatters her heart so she'll understand at that moment what she did to me. What's even more crazy is that I totally know that this is victim mindset and all the stuff Leo will discuss is unhealthy in the form of neurosis. Like, even in those moment I recognize it. In yet, I still can't shake it. This mindfulness of catching myself almost makes me feel more upset over the course of the last year or so because I know these things are all irrational and is just pure neuroticism. I just want to drop all of this and move on with my life but I feel so haunted by all of this. Whether I let it go or get pissed off. It just seems to be coming back.

I think a big thing worth noting is that this relates to a sense of feeling worthless and inferior. Although I get what @Leo Gura is putting down given how much he's emphasized this matter in his more as advanced videos. A good mere example of this can be my last breakup. Again, this is one (relatively) recent example out of the course of my life - when my ex who I was so emotionally invested in (more than she was in me, for reasons I've covered in other posts described in way more detail) left me, I'll see her on social media and always feel so meaningless and how "I don't matter after all." Same goes for the goals I've had throughout my life that, as far as I'm aware, I pretty much achieved none of them. So it kinda ties in with my sense of self image. Simply because of the subconscious thought that 'I'm not even good enough to succeed in the things that matter to me most in the world. I guess it nor I matter after all.' Which of course leads to the analogy of how I've fallen and I refuse to get up because I don't see the point in it anymore because it feels like I've been handed all the evidence I "need" to support these claims that just pile on more misery.

Jesus! How did I not see the responses to these?!?! @egoeimai & @Annie I agree with both of you as far as what I should focus on developing/cultivating within myself. Annie I also want to mention your last point in your comment regarding immense disappointment. The moment I read that I just had this moment of 'Yes! That's exactly the way to describe what I've been trying to articulate!' So I really wanted to point out that first. My question to both of you is simply this... HOW?!?! I totally agree that from a general way of seeing this, I need to focus on raising my Self-Esteem and work on letting go. However, I simply don't know how to actually go about developing those things, especially when it comes to letting things go because that is probably one of, if not my number one thing I struggle with the most. I've ALWAYS been extremely sentimental. Like, it's crazy to the degree I'm talking about. This is honestly EXTREMELY embarrassing as I hide this from EVERYBODY (and I do mean everybody) but I still, at 22, sleep at night with the equivalent of what is my "baby blanket" over my eyes when I sleep... Before I go further, please understand that I've pretty much never actually typed that out to anybody nor verbally. So I can imagine pretty much how clear it is how unhealthy this issue is for me. To give another example - A LOT of times I look at my dog whose 4 years old that I love so much (as well as anybody in my family of course) but extremely often, when I look at her I imagine SO VIVIDLY her no longer being alive and I can feel and see the amount of suffering I'd be feeling. This happens all the time too with my members of my family. I'll think about my dad being dead and I suffer and cry so hard as if it's already happened and then when I see him I hug him so hard and will literally being say "I don't want you to go!!" With tears pouring out. Even when I think about putting to rest that blanket I mentioned, I can already feel this guilt and dead emptiness in my heart. I feel like it's this abandonment I'm making. Like, I feel this so much that right now just typing this I'm crying just from thinking about it. So this letting go issue really runs SO DEEP that 1. I don't know how to get rid of something of this magnitude (I've been through 8 years of psychotherapy and that hasn't gotten me anywhere). 2. I feel so much resistance in this that I feel overpowered to do such a thing. The other thing of course is the fact that I don't know how to actually raise my self esteem practically. One of the biggest things, if not the main thing, I struggle with in taking action is a result of low self esteem, particularly when it comes to self efficacy because I don't have confidence in my actions and things along those lines. So it's like, how can I practice be pragmatic about my personal development when I keep sabotaging myself from doing so because of such a low sense of self efficacy. Alright, sorry for this being SO fucking long. If you made it this far, THANK YOU. Any and all feedback is more than appreciated ❤️ @Leo Gura could really love your insights on this too

Thanks guys ❤️ The support means a lot. Really does. I'm noticing a pattern with all my posts that a common piece of advice I'm getting in self-love. Gonna really invest my time into this.

@nightrider1435 thanks man, that means a lot. Will message you when I can (:

Title essentially speaks for itself. Would love to get a sense how often you guys are taking repository notes in your commonplace book on a daily basis.

This matter I find rather interesting. I feel like becoming enlightened can make dating difficult. I mean, I just feel like becoming enlightened would already be hard to interact with others because those that have become enlightened are so much more conscious than everyone else that they won't be able to relate to those around them. Is this an accurate assumption? I just don't see how flirting (as a man in my case) can continue while enlightened.

I need advice because I really don't know what to do at this point. I'm treated like fucking shit where I live. I'm going through a hard time right now in my own life. I didn't end up going to college (currently 22 years old) because I've been going through a really hard time with my own mental health. Have been suicidal a couple times each year since I was 16. I have my mom who has been consumed by her mental illness of Disassociative Identity Disorder and she now hates me, rejects me, and never wants to see me again and I'm so depressed and sad because I miss my real mom. My parents are now divorced as of January this year. I feel like my life is going nowhere after barely getting through high school because of my own mental health struggles. I feel like a failure in my life and am ashamed of what my life has turned out to be. Meanwhile, I live with a dad who, despite loving me very much, treats me like garbage. I can't move out because he threatens to immediately take me off all of his insurance plans he covers me on. I'm told everyday "YOU'RE A LOSER IS WHAT YOU ARE," "I DON'T NEED ANYMORE OF YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS BULLSHIT! MAN UP!" "You have real problems dude..." "YOU LIVE IN A BUBBLE!" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU MAN?!" "DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO STOP LIVING THE WAY YOU DO?!" "YOU'RE GOING TO GO NOWHERE!" "YOU'RE A MOOCHING MAN-CHILD IS WHAT YOU ARE!"... The examples go on and on. I recently did @Leo Gura's Life Purpose Limiting Belief Exercise and I'm not even done in yet I have more than 200 Limiting Beliefs that I have identified. I only work part-time delivery job for a Pizza company and I live in San Francisco... The most expensive real estate in the country... Oh! I'm also being guilt tripped to work under my dad too... How I have to go in real estate because I "have nothing else going for me." I'm also told everyday that I haven't "deserve(d) to be happy yet." How I have to pay my dues to be happy years down the road. I'm even consistently told how I'd "be lucky if I made $70,000 p/year." I'm even told I'm fucking scum. I have a bad spending habit that relates to all these limiting beliefs that have been force-fed to me along with many others. I'm in rage all the time and upset, depressed, hopeless, miserable, etc. every fucking day and I can't take this anymore but don't know what to do. I try to meditate everyday but I feel so guilty because I'm made out as a pathetic delusional loser for doing so along with all other personal development I try to incorporate in my life. The sport I love most, running, I don't even enjoy anymore because I'm ridiculed for it. I sabotage myself when I race because all I can think of is how much of a failure and how I do everything wrong, I'm wrong and delusional for spending so much emotional effort on this (that makes more fulfilled than anything), etc. I'm trying to achieve mastery in my sport but I can't because I just can't get all these limiting beliefs and voices out of my head. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have such huge fits of rage that I can barely contain anymore. I even bought the Life Purpose Course back in May but I haven't had the heart to finish because I feel like a loser for doing it and I ridicule myself. I don't know what to fucking do. I don't have any money to leave. I don't see a fucking way out of this. I just want to live my life already...

I want to make this quick. I'm 22 years old. I would've graduated college as of a month ago. I only went to school my Freshman year in college at 2 different community colleges. Never even finished either semester. I'm currently taking Leo's Life Purpose Course. However, I want to know, should I go back to college? If so, what should my focus be? What should my target be? What would I be trying to get out of it?

@Visitor That actually does help

Every time I make a commitment to change something, I always sabotage myself. I have this tendency to even keep stealing from my father which is making me so disgusted with myself. Even when I'm maintaining awareness when I steal and I feel how much it's hurting me, I just feel like 'this is just how low I've come in my life. This is what I've done with myself and my life' I feel so guilty of all the numerous ways I sabotage myself which hurts myself and those around me but it's like the sense of 'this is what I do because I've become such a failure in my life and the punishments and negative outcomes that come with these fuck ups is what I deserve.' I almost think of it like, I sabotage myself as a sneaky way of letting out my anger, depression, etc. at myself by punishing myself for creating such a shitty life for myself where I feel like I've become so useless and haven't gotten anything out of myself. I guess it can also be seen as how I sabotage my effort to change because I need to realize how much I fucked up which then leads me to feeling guilty and thus thinking something like, 'this is what I fucking had coming...' I don't know what else to say because I don't wanna play the role of a victim anymore...

Hey guys! Just wanted to share that I just did a search and saw that Peter Ralston's book The Book of Not Knowing now has an audio format. Hope this serves useful!

@Bob84 why do you say that? I hope the answer is no hahaha

So I just started reading The Book of Not Knowing by Peter Ralston. I just read over the first contemplation exercise - Emptying Your Cup. The excercise says to go over everything I know to be true and really question if it's a real experience or just a belief. For one, this just seems like such an overwhelming thing to pull up to mind which is a bit intimidating. What's really on my mind though is, given all that I've learned through @Leo Gura , I keep hitting this wall where I just automatically come to the conclusion where almost everything I used to hold to be true is just a belief. As in, I feel like I just understand and take his word on these matters that it makes it hard to really contemplate. If that makes any sense?

@Leo Gura that actually really helps. That's what I felt too. Thanks guys!! Just got The Book of Not Knowing yesterday! Time to get crackin' at it!

So I'm essentially on 5 different medications, that I want to get off of. However, for that process is one of which that takes months, maybe even more than a year, to get to that point. My real question though is if it's possible to obtain Enlightenment while still on these medications? Does this disturb the process of obtaining Enlightenment? Also, even if I obtain Enlightenment, can the withdrawal process of medications throw off all the benefits that were achieved from Enlightenment? Thanks!

Severely depressed right now. I just feel so checked out from life. Nothing feels like it matters. Nothing feels to have any meaning. I'm by no means suicidal anymore. I'm just sleeping my days away. I'm trying so hard mentally to be on top of my personal development and finally get my life going. I really am. I'm an avid watcher of Leo's channel. However, he's 100% right regarding the tendency of just watching and listening and reading personal development material as mere mental masterbation. I want to apply all this material. In the end though, I seriously don't have the heart to do it. I try using leverage on myself (reference to a Tony Robbins concept) which just get's me feeling more neurotic. I listen to everything and all this stuff. When it comes down to it though, if I sit down for example and try to study for my real estate license, which I do want to pursue now, I just hit this wall. I was also journaling the other day and I discovered a couple things: Regarding my addiction to sleeping my days away - I do so as my way to escape from all that's going on in my head. It's like my ultimate procrastination tool when I'm so overwhelmed and depressed. It's my way of shutting everything out. However, even when I try to stay up and focus, I could be studying sitting down and then all of a sudden I give in and just fall asleep on my desk. It's like I can't escape this fatigue. My whole life I've always wanted to live a life with a sense that my life mattered. I wanted to do something significant and feel like what I wanted to pursue actually meant something. As the years have passed though and throughout the course of my failures over the last 8-10 years going back to when I was in the 7th & 8th grade, the more I felt like it didn't matter. That in the big scope of things, I don't matter that much. I've felt like my life has lost it's meaning. Due to that, whether my life is actually meaningful or that whole notion is all a fiction, I feel like I've been stripped of all the core motivations that drove me before this point in my life. I just feel like I'm in such an empty whole that part of me is refusing to try and let me get myself out...

Okay. I've been really stuck in figuring out what book I should be reading regarding where I'm at with this stage of my life. Or at least what kind of book I should be reading regarding the subject matter. I keep bouncing from one book to another after being only a couple chapters in where I'm like 'this isn't what I should be putting my focus in right now,' where I then bounce to another. I have so many phenomenal books on my shelf that it almost makes it hard to decide which one is best for where I'm at in my life. Part of my it like, 'Dude, just start!' I just don't know though. Right now in my life I just feel so lost and in my head but am severely depressed. I'm 22 and still living at home and am on 5 different medications which don't really do anything for me it feels like at this point. My parents are divorcing now and I'm in a toxic household with my dad. No college degree and am just so damn miserable because I know I'm intelligent but I just don't have any practical skill sets which has me feeling like a loser but I don't know where to go from here anymore. I'm in a low end stupid pizza delivery service job which feels humiliating because I KNOW I'm so much more than this. I feel so lost with my life that my sport doesn't fulfill me anymore (I'm a sub/elite cross country track athlete and road racing middle/long distance runner). Before, I just felt this fulfilling fuel to want to get myself to the pinnacle of what I'm capable of. I just woke up every morning and couldn't wait to go out the door and love what I do and feel free and just get the most out of my potential. After close to 10 years of failing in my sport though and in school and pretty much in life it feels like, I just don't do anything anymore. I'm angry all the time and just depressed because I just feel like I've had all the motivation sapped from me and I don't know what to do anymore nor what I really want to do anymore or what I can do... With this in mind, do any of you have any suggestions?

@Toby woah thanks so much man!!!

@S33K3R so in essence though, you think meditation in order to touch in with hearing my intuition might be a better approach? I do think you're very right on the whole being stuck with trying to take in more information. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do and can't hear my intuitive voice on what I should do now given where I'm at with my life now. Do you think taking a break from reading would be best? I was taking Leo's Life Purpose Course and am so stuck with values that I can't even tap into what I think is most meaningful to me without getting lost in thought. Reading Self-Help material has become difficult because if I get questions to ponder like, 'think about what you want,' 'visualize the goals you have,' and so on, my mind just goes blank. This in itself becomes extremely distressing.

@Toby that's exactly why I'm so frustrated with meditation and consciousness work! No I don't have scientific evidence and studies to back up the claim that they alter consciousness but heres what I do have... 16 years of being on medication starting off with ADHD medication. No I'm not one of those Anti Big Pharm guys that resents medication. There was a time where I think they helped. However, I am so reliant on them now that if I don't take my adderall before noon, I don't have energy to do anything. I'm exhausted, flustered, my mind is off somewhere else, etc. I can't even get out of bed. I just downright can't function normally without scary side effects days after being off that don't really give me another option other than to go back on without leading to a serious mental episode.

@S33K3R you sir I think hit the nail on the head...

@Toby Adderall (20 mg XR) - ADHD; I was tested for 6 months back in 2001 so it wasn't some quick diagnosis or anything. So I'm glad I at least know that it wasn't some BS diagnosis that didn't have thought put into it. Abilify - Same answer as put for Lamicitil. PROBLEM: getting off this medication is very hard. My psyche goes into severe withdrawal after 2 days without it. I can hit random out of the blue extreme border suicidal lows. I've talked about this with my psychiatrist and have been told that when I get off it I should be fine because I'm already at such a low dosage (5 mg) Lamictil (200 mg) - Don't even know anymore to be honest. Psychiatrist already plans on tapering me off this though which is good. Lithium (600mg, my blood tests show that I have barely any in my system so I'm only on a TINY dose despite what may seem like a high dosage just from looking at the number) - To reduce my manic depressive lows Prozac (60 mg) - Handling depressive lows (although I honestly don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it) Sometimes Seroquil but that's in case of hypomanic episodes

So I'm noticing very clearly now that I don't do well when I'm constantly being told what to do. To be more specific - when I'm constantly being told how to live, work, act (around others), what to do, and just working under someone in general, I always start to rebel. Part of this is because I've been moralized what feels like all my life. I've been told for countless years that I'm too dark, depressing, hyper, energetic, I don't listen to "good music", I shouldn't act this way or that way, I shouldn't compete like that, that's not how I'm supposed to cook, how I don't know any better, how I live in a bubble, how I don't have skill sets since I'm 22 and didn't go to college because a lot of struggles I was going through, how I'm crazy, not that educated, constantly ridiculed and told (mostly by my dad) all the mistakes and things I do wrong, etc. I've just gotten to a point where I'm so sick of this bullshit. This is not how I want to live my life. When I work for someone I always have to walk on eggshells since I've only worked in customer service, e.g. retail, pizza shop, etc. and I tend to operate and thrive very differently than how I'm constantly hounded to be. I really try to work under it. I'm just not someone that just tolerates kissing ass. I speak my mind. I'm very expressive and enthusiastic. Yes, I totally understand I have a lot of behaviors that I need to correct. Which is why I'm part of this forum and am trying to get started with Personal Development w/o sabotaging myself (usually because I get so beat down on how what I want to pursue and do, such as personal development, meditation, etc. is wrong and I feel like a loser and end up doing nothing because I can't bear working for my dad in real estate and under anyone really at this point). Is this a problem that is just me? Or should I take this as a sign that I need to do my own thing? I'm just so confused on what to do with my life right now...

All, So I want to start this off by saying that I know what I'm going to say is all limiting beliefs and I know don't make sense. At least at a conscious level. Like, I know when I look in the mirror I'm a fucking good looking guy that shouldn't feel as insecure as I do. Like, I have a 6-pack it takes one day to carve out after not working out for 5 months, have the most freakish metabolism where I cannot, no matter how hard I would try I can't gain weight (I don't really, but if I felt like it that is), I have the body of an athlete, have run sub 4:10 for a mile so I have a lot of athletic ability I shouldn't feel insecure about, I'm 6', and am even 10"... you know what I'm referring to. I DON'T SAY THIS TO BRAG. I SAY THIS BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OF THIS I'M STILL MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I just did a post titled "Filled w/Trauma & Hate" on the emotional section of the forum that explains a lot of this. I'm just so stuck because I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know how I have so much to offer emotionally and genuinely and have nothing to feel insecure about physically. In yet, let's say I'm driving and I'm at a stop sign and I see a really cute girl or a group of cute girls. I'll look at her/them and regardless of whether or not they even acknowledge me, I immediately find myself looking back down, biting my nails, spitting, doing some sort of bad habit in addition to lowering my head and hunching my back because I just feel so inferior inside. I try to do the whole Tony Robbins philosophy of just change my posture and the emotional shift will follow but it just feels fake. I can't shake this thing that's all in my head. I know a big problem I developed early on in my teenage years was to be the guy who sometimes tries to get a girl's attention by having a problem or something. Regardless of that maybe still being the issue, I just don't know how to get this to go away and I can just be myself. Even though a big part of how I see myself is someone that's just really frustrated with life and just depressed... I would even try the method (for weeks on end) technique Leo had a video on, "Awareness Alone is Curative," but I just find myself getting more depressed the more aware I am of the problem because I see how irrational it is but I feel even worse because it still isn't subsiding.