kieranperez

@wavydude referring more to techniques such as visualization, affirmations, etc.

So usually I'm the one asking for advice but this time I think I have a valuable message to you guys out with this similar issue. I hope this helps Last night I truly felt like I was going to commit suicide. I beat myself by punching myself in the head, screaming in my car, crying, banging my head, etc. Right when all of this started though I just had this intuitive realization that just hit me - I truly want to suffer. How I'm subconsciously addicted to hating myself inside and also addicted to not let things in my past go because I simply shouldn't allow myself to let go of pain and emotional scars. I received a message from my ex (I won't go into the details of our history as that isn't relevant in the message I'm sharing nor do I need to bore you with such details) who was my first love who left me. I had asked her for some advice. I knew I still hadn't gotten over the disappointment from the breakup (which ended in May of 2016). I was still very hurt. It wasn't so much about her as it was the pain of the whole breakup. However, when she messaged me and the moment I heard the Facebook notification, I felt a shiver down my spine. I saw her message of advice. However, what triggered everything was realizing that by her giving me thoughtful advice I just got a great giant picture of how much better off she is if I'm asking her for help after she left me and I'm still hurt. It also didn't help that her profile picture is of her romantically kissing her current boyfriend who she's been with longer than she was with me (choking up a little saying that). Right after that and I felt overcome with emotion, I immediately realized 'holy fuck. I really don't want to let go of all my pain. Not just from this, but with all my trauma I've ever experienced in my life.' Although I had this breakthrough I still went down a very dark path last night. Images flashing of all my traumas. Now here's the obvious question: how did I get through this? My answer: Running. Running is my life. So what did I do? I kept crying but I went out into the pitch black, put on my running shoes, and I ran. I ran up the first trail I ever ran on. It was only 20 minutes but those 20 minutes showed me all I needed to see to breakthrough. After I finished, I let out a war cry in the dark that I'm not going anywhere. Now, I'm more determined than ever before to go out and go all out in what I want out of my life. So what's my message?... you can get through your darkest hour. Live and embody and do the thing you love more than anything in life. This addiction on my part will be overcome. @Leo Gura thank you for your video on subtle addictions. If I hadn't watched it earlier in the day yesterday, I wouldn't be here.

My efforts to change and turn things around just seem to be so futile. Just to even take the first step. I'm struggling so much with simply even setting goals. I'm so mad that I'm just being a fucking sloth but when I try to stop being so lazy and stuck in comfort I get so full of frustration because I just have "nothing going for me nor anything to go off of." I feel like this mess of being an addict to negative self talk, comfort/laziness, overthinking, and just being a downright victim but because I'm aware I'm being a victim, instead of self loathing, I just keep kicking myself in the ass and get so fucking angry. Like, I'll be in the car and sometimes I just can't help but just yell on top of my lungs, "CAN I JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING ALREADY! I ALREADY HATE ALL THE WAY IM LIVING! HOW MUCH MORE NEGATIVE DO I NEED TO FEEL TILL I LAYOUT A GODDAMN PLAN AND START SOING SOMETHING?!" Which of course makes things worse. Whether I try to slow down or be a little tough on myself, I just feel so goddamn stuck within myself. ???

@ajasatya hahahahahaha 22

So I'm trying to get into dating again but I'm tired of dating girls who aren't athletes like myself. I'm a (sub) elite runner. I want to date a girl I actually can run wth and stuff. I attract girls that are just from totally different backgrounds that leads to falling out because of our separation in values. It's been easier to get into those relationships though because I've always used my running background as my whole thing that's makes me unique. I don't see how I can stand out with girls who have the same passion as me because now we're both on an equal field where my running interests aren't like some new unique thing to the girl... at least in my mind. I just don't know what else I have to offer that actually stands out with girls that I have the same values as. I just finished a 10 mile run btw so my apologies if this doesn't add up all that much lol

I finally breakthrough yesterday... I watched Leo's vide on Jelousy and stopped the video in the middle of it and just asked myself, 'okay. Let's say she came back to me. Lets say we never broke up. Or let's even say I even impressed her by being better off than her and showing her I didn't need her and that actually drew her back to me... would I actually be happy if we stayed or got back together? If instead of that dude kissing her in that photo it was actually me... would I actually be genuinely happier?' I visualized a dozen scenarios and quickly realized... 'holy shit. All I want is just to be happy. If I actually think about it, I wasn't happy enough to say that we would've been great long term. It's not about her. I've just been wanting to feel happy in connecting with a girl I love and who loves me.' Right when that came through consciously... my mouth fell open, I started to laugh and then cried because I just felt so fucking free. I TRULY realized how it's not her I want. It's just happiness. Period. I look back at that photo of her kissing her boyfriend and I actually felt happy.. FOR HER! I was like 'man! Good for her! She's with someone that works for her!' I was so blown away. I just couldn't believe it. This reframe just changed my whole outlook. I knew this conceptually but it just finally resonated deep down and I felt it... Jesus...

Alright. I've been single now since my last girlfriend since May of 2016. I'm still really hurt about my ex. TBH, what my mindfulness of the whole situation lately of still being hurt has made me aware of is that I'm just hurt by the fact that she moved on from me and how she's better off without me seeing as how she's with a boyfriend that's working out better for her and she seems happier with and has made more progress in her personal life than she did with me. Meanwhile I haven't made any persona progress since then. It just still hurts and haunts me and I know if I inspect deeply enough that she clearly wasn't right for me. Especially when I think about how we actually acted as people and how different we are and how that created some blocks between us.However she was my first love and I for her. We went through a lot, I was with her while she had cancer and so much more. I was just so emotionally invested. If I had to make a comparison, I'd say it feels like the same pain a kid who feels invisible to all the other kids around him in school who are having a great time. Just this feeling of being unwanted and how clearly you don't belong and feel inferior and like you're really lacking. I also think part of this comes from my competitive nature in sports where I struggle to try to not compare myself to others (yes I saw @Leo Gura's video on comparing yourself to others). I always hate feeling like I'm not as good. How I can be so easily replaced. Thoughts on this?

I'm honestly having a VERY similar struggle to this. In the life purpose course exercises, all I keep coming back to is the fact that I want to leave a legacy and impact through my creative endeavors as an athlete. Not in an egotistical way. I want to make my sport and the way I race not about beating people, but into art form that inspires people. I feel stuck because I'm like 'I don't have the genetics to be that kinda athlete.' Yes I know that's a common excuse people use sometimes but I think when we're talking about athletics (especially for me as a runner) it's a very valid one. Not to mention I keep thinking 'this feels just way too self centered because I feel like SHOULD be impacting people more directly, e.g. Coaching and what not. However, it just doesn't hit home at all. I truly want my pursuits as an athlete to be my legacy that touches people and inspires people to get out the door and get the best out of themselves because for me, running and sports is spiritual if you take it serious enough. I just love the life of being so committed to my sport. I love waking up super early like at 5am, doing meditation, having my tea, visualizing my athletic pursuits, making breakfast before the sun rises, stretching then driving out to where I'm gonna run and do my session. I get lost in the stretching, the warm-up, etc. I just connect with the life of a 100000% committed athlete who just has the desire to do it till the grave and also be self coached because I want people to be inspired to lead their own lives and learn how to be self driven. Again though, sports is different because a lot of it just comes down to if you have the genetic makeup to even reach such a level. Im doing all the visualizations, exercises, everything but I keep "should'ing" myself to be more realistic and what not. However, I love my sport so fucking much that it's always been my way out of low moments such as suicide even. My running brings the most meaning because I feel like it's a perfect metaphor for life. @Leo Gura what are your thoughts? I think this is a matter a lot of athletes struggle with and abandon their athletic passion not cause of superficial/egotistical ways, but because they don't know what to do with such a pursuit/passion.

@Pluck no no I'm talking about the inquiry method based on Byron Katie's work

@How to be wise what has me confused though on that method regarding the inquiry process is, instead of questioning someone else, can you inquire strictly about yourself?

@How to be wise that's so funny you site that website! I literally was in barnes and noble yesterday looking at that book after going through Leo's booklist again! Haha that's ironic!

I just realized that in a very sick and twisted way, I don't want to be happy. I want to allow myself to be happy. I'm not okay with this and I don't want to be okay with the way things are. I consciously know this is making things worse but deep down... there's just that subconscious or whatever the fuck it is that just doesn't want to let any of this go. I want to be upset and also that this is how I want to feel. I want to keep suffering and torturing myself. No matter how much I want all of this to get head of my head, I do have to be honest that ... at the same time... I want to have this suffering lead me to an early grave. FUCK

"NOTHING IN MY LIFE NOR ANYTHING I DO IN LIFE MATTERS SINCE I DON'T MATTER." In a twisted sense I'm actually happy I finally found this. Just because I've finally articulated the source after all these years of what I truly feel that has been causing all my self-sabotage and planned attempts in suicide over the years... Now, the question is... how the fuck do I eradicate this fucking thing once and for all? Yes, I know, 'challenge it.' I'm talking about on specific practical level though. Any techniques anyone has to share that can relate to this?

It's really funny the timing of me rereading this as I literally got a message from my ex... I reached out to her asking for advice on something (clearly a fucking mistake). The MOMENT I got a message from her and saw who sent it I felt entire nervous system shiver and shake and started to choke up. It really showed just how unconscious I am of how much it still matters to me. Already kinda crying writing this. I'm just disappointed partially because I even received advice from her because it shows in someway that she's doing goood and I'm doing worse than her and that really makes me feel like I'm lacking. Not going lie, this realization is REALLY hard to swallow right now. Not to mention how hard it is while having to look at that picture of her with her current boyfriend. I know I'm alluding to a common message in your videos but i think this shows me just how much I don't want to accept nor be okay with truth and reality. Goes to show how this isn't how I feel things should be nor am I okay with the way things are... Goddamnit!!!

Okay. The one thing I can be honest about is the fact that I'm an insecure compulsive liar. I feel like I just can't stop. I hate lying and I just keep doing more and more and more and more and more of it. Even about just the stupidest of things. I'll make up bullshit stories to people. I get so lost in them. It's all out of insecurity though. I notice that for sure. I also lie about things I know I'm going to get caught for too and do so even when I don't want to lie anymore and I'm so disgusted by it and I know even when I do lie, I'll not only get caught but also get fucked over for it at least in someway. Yes, I know there's the practical vide on how awareness alone is curative. I've been doing that for so long (mutltiple months l, 6+ to be more exact). However, I don't want to sound impatient but I don't think a shift towards honesty requires such a passive approach that it takes months to see any sort of result from. I doubt this shift requires such a long term approach. I really need help with this. Mindfulness practice doesn't even seem to be enough even though I make mindfulness (meditation) a daily practice. Again, I know this is out of insecurity but this has become such a problem. It is a self image problem for sure but again, I don't see a commitment and shift towards honesty requiring such a long term approach to end this disgusting habit.

San Francisco

Hey guys! So... I finally uncovered my Life Purpose! Thanks @Leo Gura for the course! With that said, being that my life purpose is to be a Running Life Coach, I'm currently living in San Francisco. The running market here in the Bay Area, as someone whose already VERY deep in the running scene (I'm friends with the founder of Hoka ONE ONE, several professional athletes, and have worked in all the niche running specialty stores, and so on and so on, just to give an idea of what I mean by how deep I already am), the problem I see for myself is that the running industry here is so occupied. I mean, it's the Bay Area. I've really been paying attention and listening to my intuition on how I think what's necessary is for me to save up enough money and relocate somewhere. I already don't vibe well with people in the area here. Plus, I've already built up a not-so popular reputation (depending on who you ask I guess) from stupid social mistakes on my part (a common struggle when you're an outspoken person in the most politically correct area in the world). So to sum it up, from my perspective, I think it'd be way too much of a tedious and honestly unnecessary task to try and rebuild an entire new business and reputation and what not given where I'm already located. Plus, again, who I am authentically (plus no enlightenment comments as I'm working on that) really just doesn't vibe well with a lot people here. Plus, for my own mental health, I'm trying to get out of this area as it is because this environment is just so neurotic that it literally drives me up the wall. This fast paced bubble that is the SF Bay Area really just isn't healthy for me. I also love the idea my intuition is feeding me that I'm really best off actually testing out my own training ideas somewhere away from a lot of the masses. I think of it like how Joseph Campbell followed his bliss by retreating into the wilderness and absorbing massive amounts of material from books and such. Like, there's one coach in the history of running from New Zealand that revolutionized training for middle/long-distance running literally through experimenting his training theories on himself. I love that concept. I really don't want to follow the cookie-cutter path by just copying other coaches. I want to learn by working on myself and with others by not just experimenting with different training theories, but also incorporating personal development strategies to increase all the other facets of one's life to create the most fulfilling running career one can have. Hopefully at least some of you are following along so far... If so, I'm impressed ahaha So what I would love to know is, does anyone have some practical wisdom to share on when relocating might be necessary? Another question, if not an even more burning question I have is, what wisdom do any of you guys have to share on how to do research when looking at relocating based around the context of Life Purpose? Anything helps & thanks as always!

Was very involved and deep in the SF Bay Area Underground Rave Scene starting back in 2010, so yes haha Last party where I heard PsyTrance was when I was actually at the Oakland Ghostship Warehouse FIre. Which is why I've had a hard time listening to PsyTrance since then.

I really don't know how to get around nor conquer my OCD and I quite literally feel like I'm going insane. The centerpoint of all my obsessive thoughts that I'm attached to just keep me so fucking sucked in I feel like I lose touch with reality and I just can't function. I'm trying so fucking hard to do something about this but I just feel so overpowered by all of this. I really need help. I'm not getting anything done. Yes I know there's the techniques for awareness alone is curative and all this stuff but I've applying all these things and I just feel like it's fair to say that clinical mental illnesses are a bit trickier than that. I really don't know what to do. I just want to live my life and stop feel chained down by these thoughts, emtoions, anxieties, etc. that I have these chanined down obsessions to.

Does anyone know of any programs or courses or anything along those lines that focus on retraining the subconscious mind, find out what's going on at the root that's causing all of my/people's behavior, eliminate limiting beliefs, etc.? @Leo Gura I think I heard you say you're developing a course for this (apologies if I'm mistaken). Is this true? Do you yourself have any recommendations as far as books, programs, workshops, courses, etc.? thanks guys!

Every time I'm sitting down to meditate for over a year now I still struggle to find a way to just relax my breathing and my chest. I'm (trying to) breath deep into my diaphragm but my breaths just get shorter and shorter until I can't breath relaxed nor deep at all. I try to not manipulate my breath and just stay aware but I keep keep finding it harder and harder to breath. This of course causes anxiety which makes it worse. It's not like I've been meditating for only a month or so. This has been going on for over a year now. This isn't related to anything physiological. I'm an elite track, cross country, middle/long distance runner that runs 60-85 miles per week with a 4:13 mile and am 6' tall and 135 pounds. So this isn't a health issue nor lack of fitness issue LOL. Has anyone had this issue and found a technique to resolve this? I've found some leads on this potentially being a result from such built up anxiety and strong neurosis. Thanks!!

I was just about to make a post basically asking the exact same thing. My life purpose is to impact people as both as a high end endurance coach (specifically for runners) while adding on the element of life coaching. However, me being 22 years old, I too face the same issue regarding lack of credibility. However, I also lack other basic skill sets in helping people such as basic communication skills (I tend to ramble on and on and stutter, and am not calm clear, etc.). So what my idea was to start a blog. Creating value and gaining credibility by doing even more heavy research into both training and personal development and making posts that combine both elements. I want to do this because sports is so much of a mental game and not only that, I want people to be in touch with their sport almost on a spiritual level. I want it to be a tool that they can use to grow themselves. Again though, when people see/hear a 22 year old giving life advice (generally speaking), I tend to get people rolling their eyes thinking 'what does this 20 year old know about life?'

Title speaks for itself really. Is ego ego The the source of why we refuses to let go of traumas, negative thoughts, self sabotaging behavior?

I don't what to do right now with myself. I keep having problems with people and I'm going nowhere with trying to pick myself up mentally and emotionally and start taking control of my life and to simply even move out. I feel like such a failure. I'm around such toxic and such a toxic and environment which makes me feel so out of place with people because I don't interact well with anyone where I live (I live in San Francisco). I keep getting into arguments with people whenever I speak my mind. It can be about touchy subjects at times but whenever I try to act like myself, I can't do so without getting into problems with people everyday. I can't act like myself so I have to put on this mask because whatever I feel I need and want to say and act just doesn't fly with people here and just makes me even more of an outcast that people here don't want to deal with which leads me to having literally no social circle now. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or not now. Like, I don't see most people around me having this problem but I also don't see myself as being similar to the people around me and I can't literally see the mask they put on when they're going about their day and I just don't want to be like that. I'm 22 and I'm still living at home with my dad and little brother (who is going to be a junior in high school in less than a month and at this rate is probably going to move out before me). I'm trying to do personal development but I don't know what it is but I just feel something is so deeply wrong with me because I'm not getting any fucking results not matter how sick of my life I am and want things to get better and how I want to get better and turn things around and not be a victim anymore. I keep listening to @Leo Gura's videos because his voice is the only voice and what he has to say is the only thing I hear everyday that aligns with similar things that go on inside my mind and how I wish I could act every day and communicate. I work at some stupid pizza job where my managers will just decide to not even schedule for a whole week. I keep applying to even those low end fucking retail jobs and I keep getting rejected and I don't know why nor what I'm doing wrong. I just feel like such a failure and don't know if my mind alone will get me to get myself out of this hole I'm in that feels like is getting deeper and deeper. I just feel so deeply that I just don't want to be here anymore.

So I've been spending so many months trying to figure out what is the real source of the problems that are going on inside my psyche that's causing so much of suffering and the cause of all my self sabotaging behavior (assuming that is what's going on). I'm truly struggling taking action alone. I feel so defeated and have so much inner turmoil with what feels like hints of guilt and self-doubt whenever I even think about taking action and making a commitment to turn something around. I know I'm suffering from self-esteem issues, surrounded by such a crazy toxic environment, limiting beliefs, etc. However, I'm just so stuck on 1. What the source of all of this is, 2. If it is in fact 1 source, 3. How to prioritize each issue that needs work on and how to strategize improving each one, and last but not least, how to fix each issue. I have SO many books (most from Leo's book list) but, as if I've posted on in the past, don't know where to start. Could really use use some help on this.