kieranperez

It’s good on my end

In the next week or so I’m doing a 4 month door-door sales gig where I’m working 50 hours a week 6 days a week. I took this gig from someone actually on here on the forum who I’ll be with because I have the chance to earn $20-50k this summer and I can then move out from home and start a new chapter in my life. Though this sounds great on paper, I cannot explain how terrified I feel. I was watching the video on Ego Backlash and I reall resonated when @Leo Gura talked about being in such a dysfunctional state where even the idea of change can spurt a lot of fear and massive resistance. It took me weeks to be honest with my dad who was the one in my family I always was dependent on to tell this too and he and I are on such unhealthy terms I didn’t even elicit much of a response. I have a LONG history of sabotaging my progress even if it’s from the very start and I know this job is already really intense on its own given what kinda sales I’ll be doing, the amount of hours, the emotional labor involved, etc. Not to mention the change that’s to come after this is all over... assuming I don’t blow up emotionally and sabotage my effort. I can have ego backlashes so strong so early on into new changes where I feel like I have so much anxiety I’m going to explode. This is going to be A LOT of change and obviously I dont want to blow up. Though I expect strong ego backlashes since I’ve never been away from home that long on my own, have never lived on my own, have developed a lot of dysfunctional mindsets and just way of living, etc. and I just wanted to reach out about what I can maybe do to handle these expected ego backlashes. I know self-love (though I’m often very unskilled at applying it) is going to be huge since I have a strong tendency to tear myself apart to the point where I feel like I’m in hell but wanted to see what else I can maybe do to have in my tool belt of strategies. Thanks.

@Serotoninluv can we do either about these nondual keyboard warrior? This peacocking is just getting ridiculous and silly. Dude you’re just fanning your festering pile of bullshit projections on me. How about you tell me where I lived at 5 years old next. How fast did I run the 1200m in when I was 13? Youre immature projections of who you think I am is just getting silly. “I am you so I know everything about you” is one of the most immature newb mistakes you can make. You would literally get hit with a stick if a Zen master even saw you make that mistake. Dont pretend you know me dog lol. You’re on hurting yourself. I’ve said this multiple times. I don’t really play coy when I see bullshit artists who are putting on some make believe wise man front. I will happily call your shit out. Not because I’m enlightened or something. I’m not. I’ve had little tastes and that’s it. I’ve been consistent with that. I can call you out because I know a bullshit artist when I see one. Of course, when you’re called out, your mind magnificently switches it to thinking I’m attacking you and how I’m so unenlightened for being confrontational and how I’m so ignorant for that and that’s make me “egoic” and you even stick the landing. When really I’m calling out your behavior, not you. Yeah, bullshit artists bother me. I still have shit bother me. Again, I’m not enlightened nor do I claim to be some master so I’m being honest with that. I’m still a newb. I can’t stand being a newb but where’s your humility dude? I don’t know you. You don’t know me. Keep it there. You can’t possibly consider that what worked for you might not work for a lot of other people including me. If it worked for you, awesome! But that doesn’t translate to everybody who had it the way you had it. You’re inability to introspect and have some greyscale thinking and that god forbid you’re wrong is what I’ve bedn addressing and telling you to consider.

Thought you were a 1 man shop?

It seems like every time I need just the right video from Actualized.org it always comes up at the right time... This was a very relevant episode for me. I'm right at the End Phase and also in Limbo. This is what I'll be addressing in this journal log along with the lessons I've learned. The End Phase: Right now I'm wrapping up the phase of living at home. I'm about to venture off into a hardcore door-door sales program @Robby hooked me up with from mid-May till August 30th/mid-September in Arlington, New Jersey. Joaquin is about to graduate from high school at TL and will be moving down to Santa Barbara to attend the city college there at the end of Summer. Abuelo seems to be moving towards the final days of his life since I'm hearing how he's starting to not be able to eat or drink anymore and has pretty much lost his battle to dementia. I'm starting to get ready to make amends to let go of running as a pursuit. I'm starting to cut ties with mom and I'm about to leave the protection of dad. I was even told by dad that he's planning to give Ellie away to maybe Ellen & Jerry. Although someone on the outside can easily point out the positive of how this is perfect timing for me to start my next chapter, I would be neglecting my own experience if I said it feel this way even in the slightest in my own experience (which of course is rationalized by those outside as "totally normal"). It's easy to say that and also address in language all the obstacles I'm going to face and blah blah blah. Though on paper, yes, they are most certainly correct in their linguistic analysis of my situation. However, that doesn't mean shit. From the ever evolving collapse of my family since May 22nd, 2006, to my ever increasing decay in emotional, psychological, overall egoic stability, to dropping out of college the 3 semesters I went to participate, to having to get an incomplete Junior year of high school because I was such an emotional train wreck and went to counselor saying how I thought I was going to kill myself, to quitting every single running training cycle since high school, DNF-ing the majority of races I went into after high school and the ones I did race I pretty much bombed 95% of them, to quitting dozens of workouts, to feeling more and more inferior to other peers killing it in one domain or another over the years, to never having really had sex with a girl I found truly attractive, to crashing multiple cars wasting tens of thousands of dollars of my parents' money... do I really need to go on? I feel absolutely emotionally drained. Crying has become almost a daily thing because I have so much anxiety that I'm like a pot boiling and eventually blows out steam because it can't take the pressure being held inside. I've lost so much self-esteem, personal integrity, and the willpower to sustain even the most minor endeavors like meditating for 15 minutes. With the closing of this "End Phase" I feel a lot of anxiety and a lot of fear. I also am desperately holding onto what fate I still have within me. As much as it doesn't feel like it when I'm going through one of my daily emotional bad patches, reminding myself after I let what I have out of my system that I can get through this, that I do have more, that there is light at the end of this tunnel, that this is (in a sense) normal and other people too have made it through this and worse does help because that helps me emotionally regather myself and "put back on" the right perspective of how I can use this summer to move out fully be in the "Limbo Phase" where I can spend deliberate time healing, soul-searching, really regather myself, change my environment by moving to Denver/Boulder, camp, be in the mountains, etc. As drained as I am, I know I have to close this chapter with all I got and finish it. Right now I'm running down the last bend about to make it onto the final home-straight where I have to give everything I have this summer. I'm usually pretty good when I gather my inner strength and pulling myself back up and letting everything I have out in the final 100-200m of a race and claim every scalp I have in front of me with authority. I think I can do that here this Summer. I have it in me. The Limbo Phase: I've been trying so hard racking my mind on the Life Purpose Course. I feel like I've exhausted the amount of mental and emotional effort I can possibly put into that course since purchasing it back in June 2017. Though I have 8 Solid Top Values & My Top 5 Strengths locked in and starting to really be able to intuit what my real Zone of Genius is, I really have to pull the plug and give it a rest and come to terms with the fact that I just don't know. Though I had great insights and intuitions from my 1st ever psychedelic trip on LSD back on March 29th this year, I really need to put my focus into just closing up the last bit of the the End Phase before I can really go into a more soul searching process. If all turns out well this Summer I would like to spend as much time investing in my own soul-searching process, finally heal and regather and integrate my self, and explore new avenues of Bliss. I feel so destroyed internally that, even if I really found my next path in life I wouldn't be able to follow it because inside I feel like I'm a tube of toothpaste that's been so mauled and crumpled up for that last bit of toothpaste that I won't have enough for the net endeavor. The amount of internal willpower I have left is virtually empty and I need to recognize, honor, and respect that. This is why healing is going to be important and honor my inner muse. I completely disagree with people who telling me otherwise after this 4 month sales program is up that I should put in the hard work to improve socializing, my dating game, make more money, how I need to press even harder on the gas, etc. I'm willing to listen to feedback but I'm also willing listen to when I know what's right for me and when to tell people to stop giving me advice. I really need to hit the reset button once I wrap the End Phase up. I know what my heart needs while still needing to address practical & logistical matters. I believe this phase is going to consist of time backpacking, camping, traveling to different countries alone, going to some workshops & seminars, meditation & enlightenment retreats, meeting sages/saints/mystics face-face, reading, actually exploring new paths of interest (whatever it may be) and doing so full-heartedly, therapy, volunteering, a lot of journaling, going to new events, and contemplating. This episode really helped me reconcile the perfectly normal reality of this very phase and that this a phase worth honoring and really working through at whatever pace I need to take it at. Also because it helped really give myself the permission to acknowledge and be okay with accepting that the last cycle I'm now wrapping up was a failure with tons of valuable lessons that and that, all because it totally blew up in my face like a lab experiment gone totally wrong doesn't mean I can't be okay with it, make amends with it, and move on from it. I'm very eager to wrap the End Phase and finally get into the Limbo Phase. Lessons Learned: Following one's Bliss is so important. It took me up until this episode that that was actually how I even got into running in the first place! Look where that took me! I seriously need to heal Soul-searching cannot just be a mental process. I actually need to go out and explore. Travel to new cities, states, countries, forests, etc. I am extremely impressionable. This is a huge habit I'm going to need truly to shed in order to unearth a new authentic path and chapter in my life. Since I was less than 2 years old I've had this habit. From Michael Jordan, Steve Prefontaine, all the runners I've ever looked up to in some way, Sadhguru, Leo, other sages, etc. I always base my visions based on the lives of other people and unconsciously try to mimic them as much as possible. This comes from the deep seeded vow I made since I was probably even a toddler of like 3 or 4 years old that I really feel like I need to be different, special, and stand out amongst other and also the belief that I'm not good enough so I compare myself to others and cling onto them because I don't have enough self-esteem to really carve my path independent of anyone I may admire and look up to. Really being okay with just doing me and no one else. It's my path and my path alone and that that's just fine and how I'm going to be better off owning and living that. I quit and give up a lot. I need to focus on rebuilding integrity. I lie a lot and I'm going to really need to focus on making a daily commitment to fix that in order realign myself with my experience and integrity It's okay to really not know not just on a metaphysical level but when it comes to life issues to. Embrace not-knowing not just in direct contemplation but towards life situations in general and be will to let go into not-knowing and some real exploring. I have more in me I can turn this around I need to learn to really love myself I need to trust my drive for full enlightenment but I can't go fully into it when I'm this broken inside emotionally. Enlightenment is going anywhere. Again, I don't need to be Buddha, Jesus, Sadhguru, Leo, Ralston, etc. I need to be me and walk my path. I could probably jot more down but this is longer than I thought it would be and I'm a bit tired of writing... I think that's good for now. Signing off for now.

Starting off the new year with my longest meditation sit ever that I'm going to commit to every single day until I die - 1 Hour (Do-Nothing technique) Still have yet to define what it is I want out of my running and lay out a vision for myself. Really struggled with this confusion on my run today as I just felt so frustrated that I'm not clear on my vision yet. Also on this morning's training run I was just way too in my head as usual. The racing thoughts just never ceased. Had to stop multiple times in the 8 mile run. Just getting my first entry on here out there to get the ball rolling... More to come.

Nondual keyboard warriors at their finest thinking you fucking know me lol. Okay dude lol ?? Ive never claimed to be enlightened. I’ve been honest and also vulnerable about what I’m totally ignorant of, what I have grasped, what I do know, etc. my entire time on this forum. Your fake front of thinking you know people and this facade of wisdom is just you bullshitting yourself. You’re projecting a hot, steaming, nauseating pile of shit. Whether you know you’re doing it or not I don’t know but that is what you’re doing. Don’t pretend you fuckin know me lol. I don’t need some nondual key board jockey who hasn’t met me to confirm with me what I have become conscious of (not thatjt resides with me) and certain parts of my life.

What’s funny is that my huge stoner psychedelic friends from high school that went off the deep end using psychedelics just for recreation don’t want to see this legalized... go figure

What nootropics have those of you with legitimate ADHD found most helpful? I can’t afford neurofeedback nor can I go through the whole prescription process for modofinil. I got off 17 years of Adderall along with many other SSRIs, mood stabilizers, etc. in January of 2018 but really need a healthier yet still effective alternative to what I was on (which stopped working years ago anyways).

Don’t assume you know what I have and haven’t seen. Your facade of wisdom front is getting nauseating. This thread isn’t even directed towards enlightenment so take your little games elsewhere if you’re gonna play that with me.

I wouldn’t go that far but sure. Whatever floats their boat that gets them to do it

I get what you’re trying to put down and it’s a good perspective but the essence of what he’s saying is direct experience “in the real world”. Sadhguru is a good example of this because he’s so easy. Since he was a kid he was able to peoples karmic/Akashi bodies to the point where it was something he literally saw in his field of perception. He gives stories of how he’d know if his teacher in class was wearing red panties and would call it out to the class. Adyashanti at an early age talks about mystical experiences and how when he was a child he had a realization of “people believe their thoughts” and he knew that was different. Even Ralston as a kid grasped that time is a relative experience. You can read and even meet enlightened masters today who were literally born enlightened or have been in nondual awareness since the age of like 2 years old. The best answer I can really give you for what you’re descirbing is that you have to distinguish one’s openness to spirituality from strict talent. However I do agree there’s an inherent relationship between the two. I really suggest you and everyone else listen to this interview as it really gets the point across.

Lol you have much more to learn my friend. Much much more.

I never said I do this or don’t do this. Cold showers and deep breathing alone aren’t going to change your entire brain chemistry dude. You have to understand that it works in the beginning. When I say beginning I mean first few months and years. The problem with most studies and why I often tend to find them pretty irrelevant is because their time span for the study itself is so damn short. You’ll know if he has ADHD if you notice he’s a lot more centered and actually a lot calmer, centered, is listening and communicating better in conversation, etc. You get the general theme... If he’s wired to work like a fucking machine when he takes Adderall he probably doesn’t actually have it. After this summer when I earn some good money I would have no problem making a high investment towards this. It’s totally worth it to me. If neurofeedback works out well, after I move out, I would be happy to pay another $3k for an eeg machine I can hook up to keep it going like Leo does. You gotta he willing to make hefty invesetments and pay high costs not just in your inner growth but in your wallet too if you wish to fix aspects of your life. First off, I can’t say that it can or it can’t. I can see certainly how it can but I also see how it can’t. As far as how I see it can’t, it’s quite simple... there’s limits to which one can improve... and that’s not something most people are willing to admit. I don’t care what anyone is saying. You’re not going to take a crippled paralyzed Stephen Hawking and have him in that same body run a marathon. Just not going to happen. Lots of people can’t reach the deepest depths of enlightenment for this reason... much less l stabilize themselves in in that. I think it also can though because if you look at yoga as a system or holistic process you see a lot of practices starting from Hatha yoga with pranayamas, bandhas, asanas and a lot of deep stretching to get a lot of anxiety out of the body, free one from the stress and neuroses that are held in the body (I can’t tell you how deep that is), cleaning out one’s stomach and digestive system and improving circulatory system through different pranayamas, dauti, satkarmas, detoxing oneself of things like heavy metals and other potential toxicities, etc. And that’s just prep for the actual meditative aspect of yoga. Yoga is so deep largely because of how holistic it is. A big part of yoga is the prepping ones system and psyche (they’re related) for the actually meditative part.

You’re not getting an answer like that because you actually think it comes down to some cookie cutter program. Doesn’t work like that brotha. Doesn’t work like that at all. You have your issues, neuroses, etc. and Leo has his and we all have our own shit that’s going to make our journey all very different. This insistence on “no! I want you to tell it MY away the why I want it to be answered,” is the fundamental reason you’re asking this question in the first place. It’s because you think it’s some cut and dry sort shit rather than putting your ass accountable and figure it out for yourself because that’s how it’s done. Putting your skin in the game to figure your life out. You think it comes down to just some simple affirmations or visualization or popping a psychedelic or doing some meditation. No it comes down to what do you want out of life on the highest level and getting fucking clear with what that is for yourself and taking the journey yourself. This isn’t like some workout magazine where some credentialed and accomplished coach gives you some workout in an article and then you mindlessly plug it into you’re training. Doesn’t work even in that domain of life much less the holistic domain of life itself. If anything this is a ridiculous question because it’s been answered in all of the actaulized.org videos that have been shot thus far as far as a fundamental personal development process goes.

I don’t want to indulge projections into Leo because that’s essentially what this consists of but understand that spiritual growth and personal development leads to exactly this: a more flourishing and authentic personality. Look at Sadhguru, Ken Wilber, Osho, even Jesus, or Krishnamurti. These are/were very extrodinarily moving powerful personalities. The “technique” is simple: personal development and awaken. Theres no one specific tactic.

@ValiantSalvatore yeah I’ve seen that video. Regular meditation doesn’t really work for me. I’m probably going to go down the route of yoga starting from Hatha to Kriya and other stuff and really getting blood work done. I’m willing to create a holistic change in my system to really fix this. The problem with every medication I take now (I’m lumping nootropics with mefication to make this easy) is that I adapt to it so quick. I was taking armodafinil with l-theanine and that was the craziest thing ever on effectiveness and after the 2nd day everything pretty much stopped and I adapted to it. I can take 2 armodafinils and it’ll be crazy the first day or so and then the effects subside. Ive been on medication in general since 2001 and got off in 2018 so I’m a weird long term case of someone who metabolizes and adapts to this stuff very quick now. It becomes baseline. This is why I’m pretty much done looking at short-term stuff really and I’m looking more for root-level solutions like neurofeedback which I pray works long term as well as short term.

@pluto good god stop. Ease up on the projections and this false wise attitude. Yeah, there’s some positive aspects of ADHD. I’m not denying that nor have I ever. When you’re off medication though and you’re driving your car and you get into an accident because something caught your attention and get into some train of thought rather than paying attention to the road and now your car insurance rate goes up even more and now you owe thousands of dollars and you need to fix your car... and then that happens 2 more times in the same year... and you’re forgetting things all the time like you keep getting locked out of your house because you forgot your keys or your supposed to go mail checks but forgot the checks. Or you struggle keeping conversation without pissing people off because you talk so damn much that people grow tired of you and listening and really hearing another person is like an impossible task. Or you have unbearable anxiety and it makes meditation virtually impossibly. Or you have trouble building discipline in things that you don’t want to do like paying your bills on time, or sticking with your project or goal when you’re heads not in it. Or you struggle with media addiction even more than the average person since a person with ADHD’s brain is already low on dopamine production and it’s even harder to stop. Stop pretending you have it figured out or you know what it’s like and that this is just some issue with limiting beliefs. I couldn’t finish school largely because of this issue. When it comes to practical results, staying on track, paying attention, yeah ADHD can be a fucking nightmare and it feels like you’re fucked because routes of actual root level solutions like neurofeedback cost thousands of dollars. I’m not condoning victim thinking but if you think that this is some cake walk, man you’re living in your own bubble.

Dude you don’t need to get fancy. Don’t try and solve these issues through some materialistic external approach. Dude you gotta learn how to run before learn to run fast and long. Theres no mystery or anything symbolic here. You gotta learn to run efficiently and correct your form and mechanics and get strong. Yes you want to stop heel striking but there’s a lot more to it that . Theres nothing wrong with using a trail for the road. I’ve worked in one of the best specialty run stores in the USA. You’re not more susceptible to injury if you use a trail for the road. As far as shoes you gotta look at fit, drop, weight. The rest is all extra stuff.

Although I do think certain yoga techniques and changes in one’s diet can help, you have to understand that ADHD is also an issue of cognition. Sadhguru is talking about ADHD from the common stereotypes in how must of us commonly conceive of ADHD. ADD/ADHD is hands down, no question overdiagnosed. However, what’s often not talked about it is how different people with ADHD actually cognize things. Someone who has legitimate ADHD has a thought process that’s analogous to hyperlinks on a Wikipedia page. For example: you’re on a Wiki page on philosophy and you’re reading along and suddenly a link on Socrates and you read all about Socrates and then you click a page about the Elusiean Mysteries and then you click on “ergot” and now you’re studying ergot. Or you’re walking along and you have a thought about a castle and then you connect some dots and come up with an idea like “what if there was a massive consecrated temple that was like the Sistine chapel but was also like an ashram and served as an energy center?!” I’m actually head over heels better at connecting dots in a totally non-linear way and getting a bigger picture understanding than most people I meet for this very reason... because I’m wired that way. If I’m interested at all it’s like getting a car with a dead engine to drive 100 mph. And though that can be helpful it’s also can be extremely counterproductive too. @now is forever are you talking about curing ADHD or treating it? Those are 2 completely different matters.

@MsNobody “my brain works like hyperlinks on a wikipedia page” I literally broke out laughing cause that is THE most accurate metaphor for what it’s like . I’ve never heard a more accurate metaphor for the way I think.

I personally for the life of me have not been successful with traiditional meditation postures for a few reasons and actually my biggest breakouts in states of consciousness never come from traditional meditation (and I think of it is an ADHD thing): I’m so tight in my hips, legs, and lower back from running competitively all these years that it would take a lot of dedicated time each day for several weeks I think to really loosen up in order to even get into a comfortable proper position. 30 second of sitting even just regular cross-legged (much less a yoga asana) and I’m struggling to breathe into my diaphragm (much less relaxed), my hip flexors are on fire, the tension in my shoulders are tightening, my mind is going nuts (probably cause I’m like “come on I’m not even a minute in!”). Also I notice that my ankles hurt so much from the pressure (whether it’s from the floor or from the pressure of my body weight (even though I’m 6’0 135 pounds) because my ankle bends on the side (I’d have to show a picture to explain) and so that pressure just drives my foot crazy I find walking meditation I can get into a really weird meditative state (I actually became conscious of what existence is when I was walking) but I have to not treat it as meditation. I can get really checked out and I’m like in witness meditation. I think it’s a dopamine thing since I’m moving and that really helps me relax and sitting still I’m so anxious I feel like I’m about to punch a hole in the wall. Meditating while eating is really powerful for me again because it really helps me relaxes me. I don’t know if it’s just this constant anxt that I have in my prefrontal. I meditate so much better if I eat right before.

The title for this book should be: ”Pursuing Consciousness - Going from realizing you’re not your self to killing your self, to forgetting there was never a self” All kidding aside, as with all of Ralstons books, this is deep. This is extremely. I say this all the time but I can’t emphasize this enough. What makes Ralston so hard to read is that he’s so clear... What most people don’t know is that an enlightenment doesn’t free you from self necessarily/more often than not. Your identity tends then come back and you cognize your true nature... that doesn’t mean the operating self function though is gone. Nor does that diminish your realization. This is just a different matter. This book goes into post enlightenment experience development. Literally transform yourself... including being of self entirely. I appreciate the clarity of how this is different from direct consciousness because it’s one thing to become directly conscious of a matter. It’s an entirely different ballpark to abide in that and be free from self completely. Ralston goes into the brutal practice that goes into true reality of mastering emotions, the principles and mechanics of maybe creating an entirely new self from scratch. Did you get what I just said? How you change the entire way of being that you’re presently operating under as you read this. Deconstructing that whole thing entire thing and creating something new... that’s what this book is about. He goes into the importance of true honesty and what that is, giving up manipulation towards others and yourself, the traps and pitfalls and how to stay on track. READ THIS BOOK & EVERY SENTENCE SLOW. GRASP WHAT HE’S TRYING TO REALLY COMMUNICATE... Then get to work.

What do you look for when you review and log your dreams?

Do you like that form of shadow work? I tried it once and I really didn’t get it at all. I really don’t get what to do when you uncover a shadow and what it means to integrate it. I’ve found many shadows from fears, vows, shame, etc. that are really deep but I have no idea what to do. The problem I have with most shadow techniques that I find with like journals and whant not is that it’s like I’m trying to solve and integrate this MAJOR emotional wound using cold rationality and my mind and that personally never works for me with most self-help techniques. Same goes for me with limiting beliefs. Most techniques to to rid oneself of (limiting) beliefs is just trough this head centered approach which doesn’t work for me. I also tend to be very feeling oriented too.