kieranperez

@ValiantSalvatore I mention yoga because yoga has very direct practices for purifying and opening up the body. I know the technique you bring up. Those kinda of practices are extremely hard for me because conjuring up those feeling states are always intertwined with deep guilt, loss, shame, fear, anxiety, etc. I’m very shut off from that sort of stuff if I don’t address the trauma I have in my body. Meditation right now for me is almost impossible because of how much unconscious tension I have in my chest and throat to the point where breathing is difficult. Whenever I can get a breakthrough in energetic/psychic releases like through Shamanic breathing or a great breakthrough on psychedelics it’s a totally different story. Yoga is a much more holistic system I comparison to any traditional spiritual practice I’ve yet to come across. I get too easily lost with Shinzens practices in the different modalities. Which is hard because Im very conceptual and I like nuanced stuff but in practice it’s a distraction for me personally.

@Leo Gura sure. I guess it’s a compromise relative to what one is currently capable of. I guess I just get lost in the dynamic. Even when I read Ralston in Pursuing Consciousness on the fundamental dilemma of having ideals. That by the very fact that you’re holding ideals is by definition being held because you’re in scarcity of it. I just remember that and really hitting home with me. Having said that, like you say, it’s pretty much impossible to drop bottom lines and really be free of something that you’re so deeply entrenched in. @ValiantSalvatore yeah Shunyamurti as far as his YouTube teachings is pretty solid. Not a fan of a lot of what he says but I love his integration between psychoanalysis and yoga. Shinzen Young’s practice really doesn’t work well with me that much. It’s honestly such a head trip getting around his algorithmic approach (which I totally can see how and why it’s AMAZING for a lot of people) that it just doesn’t resonate with me. Yoga for me I feel like is really my path as far as practice goes. It’s very feeling oriented which is perfect for someone like me. Practices that are too mind oriented keep me trapped in my head. I’ve never really learned effectively that way.

Do you feel that this really just suppresses and represses what one really feels? One of the things I really couldn't stand about affirmations was that I felt I was just lying to myself. For example: if I have irresponsible money habits and also have a poor money mindset, telling myself "I'm financially abundant" or some such thing (I don't remember what I would say) just felt like I was repressing the real issues. Or the whole "every day I'm getting better and better" and how that really is just one deluding themselves and denying and repressing the reality of one's "faulty" tendencies. Shunaymurti sums it pretty well for what it felt like in my own personal experience:

@SQAAD totally normal stuff, man. Psychedelics have a way of bringing up unconscious aspects of yourself with crystal clear clarity so effectively that it's truly remarkable. Like I said though, totally normal and par for the course. It's actually good progress. Unconscious shadow integration goes deeper than is often talked about. Shadow material is supposed to make those who do face their repressed unconscious self insanely uncomfortable to this degree, if not more. In the early stages of my last LSD trip it started out with this insane desire to fuck. I couldn't explain how horny I was. However, I surrendered to what was truly authentic and kept processing my energy by remaining in bi-lateral symmetry (do some homework on Martin Ball for more details as to the practice itself). As it progressed I started feeling totally scared and alone and felt like I was helpless. I started to "taste" the call for help for my mom. I eventually got to the point in my energetic process early into this trip that one of my biggest unconscious drivers is my helplessness and a need for security. Further, I realized that not only did I want security but I wanted it from my mom. I don't have a healthy relationship with my mom (not going to go into the details) and I have a lot of repressed aggression I have towards her. I realized that my intense lust for girls is really a need for security and that I really actually wanted to fuck my mom - to be point blank. This of course was a tough realization to say the least. However, I was honest and authentic with what was arising and that what needed to be done was embrace this shadow. Once I embraced this root shadow element I was literally yelling both "thank you Freud!" and "mommy!" in a lustful voice because I was finally free from my own denial. Once embraced, it was integrated, processed, and transcended. Sounds fucking nuts of course. But hey... par for the course. You can't really embrace yourself until you embrace, accept, and open up to ALL OF YOU. All of the devilry. All of the sick and twisted things we hide from ourselves, individually, collectively, and cosmically. Hope this serves as a good consolation

@Big Guru Balls God I love that username ?

1 Tab of LSD Date: May 25, 2019 Setting: Apartment Time of Consumption: 10:15 AM ”Technique”: Bi-lateral symmetry (it’s ridiculous how powerful this is given how simple it is) Early Phase: Massive psychological purging, processing, and integration of unconscious repressions and shadows regarding... Sex - I realized that all my deep sexual cravings have really just been a craving for security, comfort, and approval that I now lack from my mother Solo struggle (craving for motherly safety and security) and the fear of struggling on my own. My repressed unconscious “Freudian relationship towards my mother” (I’ll let you piece that together) Repressed femininity Repressed attraction to men (more of a denial for being able to see the honest beauty in men given how I tend to deny that acknowledgement through my constructed cultural role as a man) Cross The Threshold: This was the point I knew I couldn’t go deeper until I surrendered to the fear of losing my mind and going back into bi-lateral symmetry. I had gotten up a couple times from bi-lateral symmetry by this point given that I was so exhausted energetically and emotionally but just by breaking that natural and authentic alignment energetically and psycbologically, I got to the point where I couldn’t walk because I felt like my psyche split in 2 and I was getting so overwhelmed. At this point I truly felt I was losing my mind. I started to realize around me that reality is a giant mind and that it’s my mind. My projections had consequences on what I normal would unconsciously perceive of as the “external world”. I felt I was going crazy. I felt like I was in this all encompassing and unescapable echo chamber that is my mind. I feel a lot of this has a great tie in with my ADHD and how my mind works. Despite the overwhelming fear of the massive mindfuck that I’m living in a giant mind, I knew there was no reason to try to escape the truth of this. So I decided to just go back into symmetry. Prior though I found a “Live Bad Trip Guide” from the YouTuber Psyched Substance and that really helped center me back to surrender. Once I truly let go I was able to face my own eternal devilry. I realized that I caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. I literally caused all the suffering in the world including things like the holocaust, terroism, etc. I faced my own selfishness and real suffering that stem from my own deep self hatred, shame, guilt, deep fear, insecurity, all my shortcomings and failures, loneliness, the feeling that I’m a fucking loser, my own feeling of inferiority and inadequacy, etc. I worked through all of it. The more I authentically and honestly faced whatever arises without resistance, just pure acceptance, the more free I became. For The Love of God, For The Love of Creation, For The Love That Is Me: At this point in my consciousness I realized and felt in my that I was literally One with everything. I was the very bed and clothes I was wearing along with anything I touched, saw, heard, smelled, tasted, etc. I became conscious that all perspectives ultimately collapse into the One perspective. Though multiple perspectives serve useful, they are not existentially true as they are the illusion occurring all in first person subjective experience. To deny or be unconscious of such truth is to create the illusion of separation and also a shadow. All of them fundamentally collapse into myself. This is the highest level of shadow integration. It’s also ultimate ownership of my own projections, judgements, etc. “We”, “us”, “our”, “it”, “it’s”, “them”, “him”, “her”, “that”, “this”, etc. all occur in “I”. There’s a saying in shadow work that goes something like “if you spot it, you got it.” However I’d like to add the deeper element of “if you spot it, you did it”. Gotta be careful with that but hopefully you can understand what I’m trying to communicate. This insight doesn’t forsake the importance of learning and seeking out other perspectives. Quite the contrary. The more you integrate every perspectivr, the more whole and authentic and whole you/we/I become. I realized that my own perspective spawns everything into being. I became conscious that all “evil” and anything that ever happens ever comes from God’s Love. If anything ever happens, the fundamental cause is because God Loves. It’s because I Love. It’s Love for Creation for its own sake and that it’s God being itself. It’s me being myself. I realized that God’s Love is really God Loving itself and that this is me Loving myself. I realized that God is one with “his”/my/our creation and he/I Love of our creation. I was at a point where I was taking a piss only to shortly thereafter be on the ground balling my eyes out crying with tears of Love flowing down my face hugging this toilet in all of its Beauty, Goodness, and Love. Every little piss stain, hair, etc. that was on it was Perfect. I loved it because it was me, because I accept myself, and I Love myself. I’ve never cried like that before. I didn’t just feel God’s Love, I realized it was me. This was so overwhelming I felt unworthy in yet at the same time I knew I was worthy because I am it. The more I could authentically feel and acknowledge my own authentic Loving nature, the more I was able to honestly surrender and, as Rumi accurately put it “wash myself of myself.” I realized the goal of my life... The goal of my life is to become (a) God. To fully surrender and embody and accept my own true nature as much as possible, realizing and embodying my own true “Godhood”. The goal of my life is to embody and master Truth, Consciousness, Love, Creatvitiy, Goodness, Authenticity, Self-Expression, and Beauty and take that into the world The goal of my life is to become a conscious benefactor to the world, mankind, and all beings because the world is my own creation and I Love my creation and I want to Love and accept my one Creation for its own sake. The goal of my life is to help awaken myself to myself. Which is to awaken others and elevate life. I have a deep Lovd for my Creation and I want to elevate others. They are me and I want to accept and, Love, and awaken so that it eventually becomes God Lovingly look itself/himself/herself/myself. Marveling at its/her/his/our/my Beauty. I realized I am worthy of happiness, self-acceptance, Love, and the recognition of my own Beauty. By the end of this trip I was in my bed crying so hard because I looked at myself for the first time and loved myself in a way I've never loved myself before (probably because I never really have). In the past, self-love and acceptance in practice would still feel tainted with guilt, shame, apathy, hopelessness, and self-hatred. Not only was my capacity for Love cranked up on high but my internalized self judgments had been exorcised from my very being. I felt free. I felt honest. I felt like me for the first time of my life. I understand now why the word “reborn” exists. The most shocking part of all was that this was all true. I felt unworthy and was so shocked in yet I knew it was true. That’s what made it so incredible. I didn’t understand why in yet at the same time I also did totally understand why. I am God. I am Love. I understand why religious/spiritual traditions stress reverence. You’re bowing to your creation and it’s beauty. You Love (your) creation. It’s gratitude taken all the way to Gratitude. I was bowing to everything by the end of it all. There is nothing ugly. Nothing. I realized that Creation is for its own sake. God create because God Loves. The reason we have our 5 sense faculties is to experience our own unitary creation. God wants to experience his/my/our creation through an infinite myriad of ways. Mindfulness is fundamentally a practice to train one’s faculties of attention to expand one’s capacity towards fully experiencing, embracing, and marveling at one’s own divine creation through unfettered, unfiltered, pure, honest, and truthful lens. Coming Back Down: The come down was quite pleasant. I felt so purified from my waist on up energetically, psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally. However I did have massive legs cramps on the medial end of my quads/hamstrings stretching down the top of my calves. I can almost certainly say those were more blocks. However the substance was near completion so I thought I’d take what I got and call it a day. So fucking exhausted. Just so exhausted lol. Felt so energetically and emotionally sensitive and drained I could barely walk. I had the usual feeling of being lost in the giant mind echo chamber. I really do think there’s a connection to my ADHD with that given the way my mind works. Feels pretty destabilizing more often than not to be honest. Lessons, Insights, and Conclusion: As I type this I definitely have dropped back down which is of course demoralizing. However that was expected. I have had a very rude fucking ego backlash. This has been hard given the fact that I’m now on my own for this summer. I have dropped back into my old judgments, character, etc. which hasn’t been easy. Though I don’t regret this experience in the slightest, I do think it’s more than I can handle right now. I really have to be honest with myself about where I’m at in my own growth. I can’t honestly handle realizations this massive. I know this goes WAY deeper. I know that this is not even me starting. However, the fact is that I still don’t have my life together. I’m so excited by spirituality and am more motivated by that in my heart but I’m not in a position where I can pursue that right now. There’s a reason the Ancient Greek philosophers and the Brahmin caste in India were able to pursue this stuff... because they had their survival handled because they were at the top of the chain. Same with the Buddha before he renounced. This has been hard because when you’re 24 and have genuine intentions to realize God and impact the world but your ego is so weak, fragile, is so unhappy, hopelessness, so full of neurosis and trauma AND you still have yet to ever take care of baseline survival needs... that’s hard to reconcile that internally on a multitude of levels. Having said all of that I am quite shaken. Mere recollection of 2 days ago brings tears to my eyes. I know there’s more. There’s SO much fucking more. @Leo Gura I remember in your spirituality video you said “you’re gonna feel unworthy. You’re gonna glimpse this truth and you’re gonna say ‘oh my god! Im not worthy of anything this Good!’ How do you accept something infinitely Good?” I couldn’t have put that any better. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Warm bows I hope you find this useful.

That truly is the bulk of the work for sure. Thanks man ❤️ I don’t mean to sound like a downer. I just feel like it’s worth being honest about what and how I actually feel and how I’m actually perceiving, however false and illusory it as a story actually is. I just don’t want to go about contracting what is really going on in my present experience. Lack of self-acceptance, trust, faith, and self-esteem truly are some of my deepest core issues. These are issues that are probably going to take awhile to truly correct and heal. I have a lot of trauma and I feel deeply hurt, ashamed, afraid, guilty, anxious, etc. Hell, it’s even what characterizes my Enneagram (I’m a Type 6 - The Loyalist). One of my biggest issues is indecisiveness and self doubt. Going down a long stretch of my life going nowhere, being stuck in a rut, giving up and quitting most endeavors, becoming stuck in deep apathy and laziness, self hatred, years of family trauma, years of my own trauma, not finishing junior college, not having my finances together, etc. to realizing what my highest vision is is terrifying yet also inspiring. This isn’t to give an excuse of being a victim. However, realizing that truly can feel demoralizing and utterly impossible. Which goes into why I post a lot. I look for validation and security in the opinions and advice of authority figures I trust. Honestly, I’m guilty of that with teachers I really trust and admire with people like Leo and so forth. I don’t trust myself because I’ve let myself down for pretty much as long as I had any sort of say in my life and gained any sort of independence since I was like 13 or 14 years old. In yet, that’s the thing I gotta cultivate because no one can figure this out for me in my life except for me. Which is why I tend to feel overwhelmed, because I don’t think I can.

Watch how you’re framing the points I’m making. I didn’t say nor imply you’re full of shit or any of those other projections. I’m pointing out projections and seem to be this clinging to Christianity. You’re not a historian. There was no Jesus. I repeat: THERE WAS NO JESUS. The fact that you’re judging the social structures of people who lived (one of which never did) 2000-2500 years ago is ridiculous. Yeah and Muhammad also killed people. Spiritual development and intelligence is not the same thing as modern day moral development, not to mention all the other lines of development. Even if Jesus did exist, which we have no proof that he did (not that it matters), he would NOT be fully enlightened today. Sages and mystics stay current are adapt to not only the highest realizations in their spiritual development but also in their levels of growing up (Spiral Dynamics, cognitive development, etc.). @Angelo John Gage those are some good points for sure. I am by no means awake. I am still very much deeply ignorant and have a lot of areas of my life I still have yet to develop and clean up. Coming back down from certain awakenings I’ve had via the 2 psychedelic trips I’ve had (which of course is nothing) has been hard because the distance from what I want and where I am now is so huge that a lot of my fear comes from that kinda place overwhelm at the task at hand.

I suggest you slow up on your projections. The fact that youre criticizing mystics of the highest order like Buddha for not going deep enough is just ridiculous and silly. You are in no position to be a critic. The fact that someone can be honest about the fact that they still have more room for growth is just merely that, being honest. If you were truly as awake as you try to come off in your posts you wouldn’t be spending so much time on a forum. Show some honesty and humility, please.

@Leo Gura I guess it just goes back to trusting what my deepest intuitions show me. Be able to take the risks (intelligently) and let the chips fall where they may. I appreciate the honesty.

@Leo Gura it’s funny because that goes straight to @Nahm‘s point. Thats funny you say that because that’s my thought every time when I try to think about my life purpose which is enlightenment related. That’s always the trend. The desire for God, Truth, seeking understanding was and is always the primary driving force. Everything else falls into place after (at least for the ones who are remembered and had an extrodinary impact). Impact is never really the fundamental agenda. It just so happens to be a by-product... Then again though, what about you? You still have a business that, as far as I imagine, you seem to really care about the impact you have in yet you still pursue awakening and have found that balance to do both at the same time. How have you reconciled that in your own life? Not to get too personal here.

@mandyjw there was no Jesus. I was using that as a metaphor. Jesus is a story. An archetype. This is not a post regarding critiques of Jesus. You can substitute Jesus for any other sage. Muhammad, Buddha, Ramana Maharshi, Mahavira, Nagarjuna, Sadhguru, etc.

@Nahm funny how it still ultimately just comes back to that very point.

@kag101 I never claimed to be enlightened. Read through the entire post.

@Leo Gura what advice would you give me for reconciling the transition towards a vision/life purpose of this magnitude while at the same time needing to do more basic personal development? I still need to handle base level surival needs and basic personal development. This feels like a life purpose that can only really be worked and actualized only if I’m like at your level of development or someone like Ralston, Sadhguru, or any other sage, present or past. I’m obviously so far from that that I feel like I don’t even know what to work on besides the job I’m doing now. All my other passions are kinda starting to dwindle, in yet I’m not emotionally or psychologically fit enough to do this work just yet. I perceive the world so much through my own survival needs that honest inquiry can’t even really be done. Not to mention cognitive issues I have. I appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks as always.

100% can be done. Read my last trip report. Covers this matter. Do some homework on bilateral symmetry from Martin Ball. It’s ridiculous how this is technicque is so stupidly simple yet so powerfully effective and direct. It’s honesty so effective that the amount you’re able to integrate during the trip is usually not an amount you’re able to sustain post-trip. That’s just the nature of self-survival though. For example: imagine you have a trip where you integrate the cosmic collective shadow. Which is to say, you integrate and surrender all the cosmic devilry that’s ever been done. You realize you are literally the source responsible of say the holocaust, the killing off of every species, etc. not to mention you face all your personal devilry.

Saw that awhile ago (trailer)! Trying to find the full movie!

@Pouya yes and no. What’s important is how you relate to what you call “maps”. Become conscious of what a “map” is. In the end though, no, there is no subconscious mind. Mind, language, any distinction are not fundamentally real in it of itself. The distinctions are things we, you, I create. These distinctions have been created to be able to relate to our own experience in a more useful way. Nothing wrong with usefulness. Concepts are useful in practice when utilized with that right understanding and relationship to them. However that doesn’t make a concept fundamentally real. Some good things to really contemplate: What is experience? What is my present experience? What is mind? What is the difference between real and unreal? What is the sameness between real and unreal? What is a distinction? What is existence?

The subconscious mind is a useful distinction that was created by Freud to help one relate to their own experience differently and more effectively in order to create a deeper awareness of one’s self. However not existentially true. Something does not need to be existentially real in order to be useful. Other examples of such inventions would be: Mind Self Language Morality Social contracts Gravity Thought All distinctions All of these things were arbitrarily created. Useful. Yet still arbitrary inventions to help one relate to their experience more effectively for the sake of survival.

@Consilience thanks man @outlandish thanks brotha. Certainly not easy. @Shaun I haven’t done mushrooms. This was my 2nd ever psychedelic trip. @Inliytened1 I very much agree with what you’re saying. The coming back down is the hardest part, at least for me personally. I actually had a thought as I was coming back down of a Zen master giving a quintessential wink and I really understood why they do that. It’s to give the subtle message of ‘keep your head on straight kiddo. We got work to do. The test is how we take this into the world. We got to really be staying on top of our own house here if we’re going to act in the world at all.’ One of the things that humbles me personally is the responsibility such awakenings come with. Truly integrated awakenings are so humbling because you realize just what you really signed up for by coming into being. I mean your Burger King example is totally on par. I’m 24, terrible low self-esteem, don’t have my finances together at all, very low in my own development in so many areas, I’m working in a summer pest control gig, etc. In a sense these realizations are both inspiring yet also demoralizing because I come back and realize the utter fucking magnitude of what I truly want and it literally feels impossible. I remember Leo’s interview with Ralston on YouTube where Ralston was saying ‘people often don’t believe that they themselves can do it. They have in the abstract that it can be done yet it’s not really real for them.’ Though he was talking about enlightenment I find that to be a perfect description of where I’m at with myself. I feel I’ve really been on this downwards slope (though now I’m “trying” to claw my way out) and now I’m realizing a whole new path that demands more responsibility than ever before. I’m not trying to be a downer but I just want to be honest about where I feel I’m at within myself. @Barna no problem man. @tsuki thanks man @DrewNows thanks brother. @Jed Vassallo thanks man. I do appreciate that. @Leo Gura the following videos have helped me the most to really solidify this vision for myself (in no particular order): The Highest Hero’s Journey What is the Point of Life? Becoming God The 10 Ox Herding Pictures Life is a Maze Enlightenment Live Becoming a Sage The Gallery of Absolute Infinity The hardest part about these realizations isn’t even my circumstances. It’s fear. Deep. Fear. The fear that I can’t. In yet it’s that feeling of “I can’t” that sparks the very emotional pain I feel when I entertain the possibility that I won’t ever really embrace who I ultimately am. That’s fundamentally what that pain is. The denial of who and what we ALL ultimately are, who I ultimately am. As I’m sure many people have felt, coming back down from these trips are painful precisely because I am faced with how much of selfish, undeveloped, cowardly person I live my life as. Not having really cultivated my own lower base needs really make this feel like an overwhelmingly impossible task. Especially when I struggle to even sit in meditation for even 30 minutes for a variety of reasons that ultimately amount to just more excuses. In yet... it is the thing I want. It is my life purpose. After reasonably integrating the last couple days I finally have my life purpose statement, which scares the shit out of me: Inspire, elevate, and awaken mankind towards God. I have no fucking clue how I’m going to do this. The only thing I think I can do when it comes to this though is like that of all sages... Surrender. Surrender to one’s path. My path. However much longer it may be. Ironically, it’s not even the vision I thought I was ever after. What my ego was after. It’s counter to what my life has always reflected in terms of my desires and even semi deep “Zone of Excellence Passions”. This is what I as a God (not that I’m conscious of that truth now) want. Its something I feel like I can’t ignore anymore. Refusal of this call is why I suffer. @llumi thanks @moon777light no. I notice LSD really amplifies it. Not in the way you might think. It amplifies the way my mind’s normal way of cognition.

@Leo Gura did he really make that his life purpose? That’s awesome

I’m not playing word games. There’s no undisclosed “warrant”. Whatever happens in the world is a manifestation of God’s Love. Understanding that though, counterintuitively requires the realization that you, I, and all of us (since all perspectives fundamentally collapse into the One perspective) need to take responsibility by becoming conscious of our collective creation. Why? Because you Love. You Love your creation whether you realize it or not. This isn’t some moral agenda. Whether you take this on or not is up to you and no matter what you do, all that ever happens is God’s Will for the Love of his, my, her, it’s, and our creation since all of that is the same. You’re taking for granted government. No real environmental, economic, medical, global change can truly be made without the integration of consciousness with government/politics. Massive non-profit organizations are not going to cut it. What you seem to be missing is that government is important precisely because you as an individual matters. The COSMIC universal individual that is You which includes everybody and everything else. Government can be a truly powerful invention that elevates mankind if utilized responsibily and consciously. Granted, we’re a LONG ways from that being the case but it’s our role to help try and make that change. You’re critiques of government are coming from a place of not realizing that you literally created that whole thing and brought it into being. Understanding that would actually spark a drive to want to elevate government so that it becomes a tool that benefits that entire Whole since the entire Whole is yourself and you Love yourself.

Everything that has ever happened in the world is an expression of God’s Love for the present creation. Anything that comes into being fundamentally comes from Love. The only reason you can even rant against government without being killed and slaughtered like you would 1000 years ago for ranting against the state is becaue the current creation of God that is modern government gives you that luxury.

Would any of you guys say an ideal psychedelic for questions along this line? What substance tends to work best for you with asking and answering deep personal questions like this?

You’re the one interpreting it that way.