kieranperez

Lol you’re one of the few on here ?

When I sit in meditation I’m always struggling with deep contractions in the body, particularly in my chest. The contractions in my upper chest are located around the heart chakra. Whenever I smoke some weed (which is rare), do deep emotional/shadow work and maybe cry hard after facing deep issues, or do psychedelics, the tension there is the first thing that always seems to need to be worked on. Afterwords I can breathing totally clearly. When I sit in meditation it’s as though my circulatory system down to my diaphragm is like a straw with the top half totally closed off and I’m literally choking sometimes to get air and thus relax my body. I’ve gone through Zen Body Being and Leo’s video on Body Awareness to relax the body and more direct pranayama and what not but it’s not fixing it at all. I try to relax but the whole top half of my body feels closed off and my body has that whole anxious shaking to it. Suggestions?

I will ever understand why people care this much and trying to analyze a teachers this much. Pure waste of time. If you have never really encountered a person in your direct experience, you don’t know them. Everything we conjure about them is just fantasy and at the end of the day utter bullshit.

@xthebentnecklady You assume other people exist. You assume doership exists. You assume experience exists. You assume stimuli exists. You assume stimuli occurs to some one. You assume dualistic interaction exists. You assume you exist. Your entire theory would be true if any of it was actually the case. However your entire scenario is based on an entirely false premise so to answer or respond to that would be both a trap and also equally untrue. You perceive these things but also perceptions are inventions, mental constructs, imagination, relative interpretation. Anything you invent is not fundamental. That which is not fundamental cannot be real nor Absolutely true.

Thank you ❤️ That actually meant a lot. I do appreciate that

This has been a real bitch that keeps me up late and night and stressing most of the day everyday. I left home in San Francisco last minute for a summer gig over in New Jersey through a member on the forum so I can earn enough money to maybe move out. Prior to this move I had never had even $900 in my bank account and was so lost prior to this I was honestly crying every day from having to share a bed with my dad for the last 2 years at 24 years old because I couldn't understand what happened to my life. Now I have $2.2K in my bank account from working 60-75 hours a week in pest control 6 days a week. Its an accomplishment on paper and I'm now earning roughly $2k every paycheck but it doesn't feel like it in my own experience. I still don't know what it is I want, what it is I want to do. I spend every waking moment visioning, questioning, etc. I still have tears because I have such a deep love for life and I don't want to waste my life doing bullshit but I still don't know what. My integrity is shit I have A LOT of psychological issues I need to work on, etc. Doing this kind of work out here literally has me in my mind like "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep playing this game. I want to know what's fucking real. I don't want this survival thing. Who am I? What am I here to do?!?! I can't live like most people live. I JUST FUCKING CAN'T DO THAT TO MY LIFE!" In yet at the same time... I still gotta survive. In yet I still don't know what I want. I'm at a real split here. When I have moments in true relaxation and silence in nature I literally have the same flash of "I don't want to be anybody. I want to be nobody," and I'm literally smiling ear to ear. I'm often told just to follow Spiral Dynamics and Maslow's Hierarchy and I just gotta earn a lot of money, learn pickup, etc. BUT NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE WHAT I WANT! My life isn't some map to be accomplished! But of course... I don't know what I want concretely! I want the truth. Who is the one looking through my eyes? What is reality and why the fuck is this here? I don't want non-dual talk and answers and I don't want to keep wasting my life either acting out of fear to follow my calling (whatever that is) and wasting my life doing bullshit stuff that doesn't lead anywhere. Just could use some advice on this. How do I navigate not knowing what I want while still (supposedly) needing to fulfill survival needs?

Glad to see there’s another Kieran on this forum never actually met another one. Do it and accept, enjoy, and embrace whatever results you find and create, whatever they may happen to be.

You’re fine. Don’t mean to come off cold. Putting in 60-70 hour weeks with no time for myself and solitude and silence without obligations and working 6 days week has been a bit much. Hence the post. Glad you like it. Dude. I’m going to be clear and make myself very clear because I’m honestly tired of it: STFU with your non dual keyboard jockeying. I don’t appreciate it, it’s not helpful, and you’re only breaking integrity with yourself. If you were ACTUALLY conscious of the stuff you parrot you wouldn’t waste as much time as you do on a forum and you would actually be out doing something. Enlightened people who are deeply conscious of this are not spending their time parroting this stuff on the internet and are actually out doing something. Stop regurgitating and parroting @Leo Gura and a bunch of spiritual teachers. Read what I said above: I am not satisfied with silly answers and I am god shit. I have had genuine enlightenment experiences but I always ground myself back into my own ignorance because in the end, if it’s an experience and it escapes me, it wasn’t it and I’m still ignorant and I do not know. Stop blabbering. It’s fucking annoying. Call it projection, call it ego, whatever dude. You arrogant keyboard warriors just become nuissances at the end of the day. I’m being explicit because I’m trying to make this as clear as possible.

I said nothing about either of those things. If I were to really be a minimalist I would most likely renounce and become a monk, sadhu, or swami. In the end though that's certainly not what I want.

I'm only here till mid-September latest. This wasn't some set in stone gig I'm doing out here. After mid-September I gotta find a place to go.

Ground yourself. Glad you had a good time but that sounds as far as what it sounds like that’s what it was, a great time. Dont get cocky or arrogant with insights. Keep going. There’s more to these relative distinctions.

Speaking from experience, it’s easier done than said. Im 24, had to share a bed with my dad for the last 2 years with my dad when my parents split up. I dropped out of college for a variety of reasons, my self esteem had been eroding for years and a lot more. I’ve been living in arguably the most expensive city and area in the world to live, San Francisco. Was working retail 20 hours a week at best, had no one I could move in with, wasn’t able to afford rent anywhere, etc. I found a summer job out here in Nj from someone on the forum here who I’m with now where I’m working 60-70+ hours a week doing pest control. I may resent this job, be exhausted, unfulfilled, etc. but I put my ass on the line having never lived on my own and never even had more than $900 in my bank account and right now I have $3000 and I now have moving options and other options about what I may want to do with my life after this. If you actually want freedom you’ll actually go out and get it. It seems easier said than done because you’re afraid, which I TOTALLY get! When you have no ownership for your life, ownership seems like the scariest thing in the world because we’re afraid of surrendering our fantasies and dogmas which may be the cost of taking ownership and accepting the realities of what it may take to grab hold of life by the balls. Ask yourself and really wonder what it is you’re really afraid of. What are you REALLY afraid of? Are you afraid that if you actually attempt to leave you might find out that you’re more underprepared and seemingly unfit to handle the challenges of the world mentally and emotionally? Are you afraid of feeling that hidden feeling in the back of your mind that you’re a loser and that you can’t actually succeed? Are you afraid you’re not strong enough because even attempting to grab hold of your life strikes the same fear you felt when you were younger when you tried to take ownership in the past and you were faced with such disappointment you felt such a deep self humiliating pain that you don’t want to try again because you might still feel the pain of that wound? What are you afraid of? There’s something there. I know because all those example have been my fears... BUT FUCK THAT. I LOVE LIFE. I LOVE LIFE TOO MUCH TO LET IT PASS BY. If you’re truly, genuinely passionate about your life and you don’t want to waste it, you’ll take the leap. That doesn’t mean it ends there. Nooooooo. No no no no no! However, if that genuine yearning isn’t TRULY there for you, I don’t know what else to tell you. I still cry sometimes because I have such a deep yearning for my calling to be one with life itself I don’t feel I can live with out it and everything else feels like a waste of time. I’m that serious about this. I’m also VERY scared... but FUCK THAT! If you’re satisfied in your situation you wouldn’t be writing this. If you’re not satisfied, find what it is in your psyche and bring it to your awareness so that you can feel both vulnerable enough yet also empowered enough to do something about your situation. Hope this helps and you actually do something.

@PretentiousHuman figure out some ways to move out

There is no such thing as physical. Nothing has ever been physical. Realize what you even call a chemical even is. There is no such thing as “absolute proof”. Direct experience is all you have as far as relativity goes. That which doesn’t exist in your experience doesn’t exist.

Real talk right here. When you go to a math teacher, do you use the math teacher as a tool and vehicle so that you can learn math faster than you would just by yourself or do you go to a math teacher with the expectation that they will somehow make you good at math?

Initial Note: I'm putting this in the Self-Actualization sub-forum because this isn't just related to enlightenment (of course it's not separate at all either). This post piggyback's off of a few Actualized.org episodes that talk about what I'm going to talk about here and a few other sources I don't have time to go out and cite here - I also want to credit Peter Ralston who has been an amazing indirect (yet to go to one of his workshops) resource for me in emphasizing and moving towards deep Not-Knowing and really helping to direct experiential investigation into the nature of my assumptions, beliefs, perceptions, etc.: How Authority Works Understanding Relativism Mankind Is The Bullshitting Animal What Is Actuality? All Criticism Is Untenable Understanding Default Positions Mechanics of Belief True vs False Skepticism Understanding How Paradigms Work Anyways... Onwards we go... So I've been noticing a massive reorientation in my own experience as I've, indirectly, been having more and more assumptions start to melt away. This is not to say I realize what's actually true but am actually left with more and more openness and not knowing. For example, the other week I was driving after a long 12-13 hour shift at this summer job I'm doing and suddenly I really got that I literally assume in my own experience that there is an "other". I'm pretty sure I had just finished listening to @Leo Gura in the car and I got that I actually assume there's a place called Las Vegas where there's a man named Leo that actually exists. Not as a theory or as "understanding" and that I can see how and make sense of all this. No. I realized I have been assuming that there are other people. That I have parents. That there are other places. I had to pull over because I was so mind-fucked. Again, I want to be honest and clear. I didn't have some realization in the nature of an "other" or existence or the Absolute nature of Existence. However, the assumption melted away. Then I realized as I was sitting there I "felt" in my own experience that I actually assume I exist. I closed my eyes felt my hand and really tried to feel it. I noticed as I closed my eyes that what arises were mental images of a hand being felt. I "penetrated deeper into my experience" and realized 'if I can go beyond these mental constructs... what am I actually left with?' It suddenly hit me just how much I conceptualize my entire reality through my own perceptions and that, despite it being a useful tool for functioning and trying to survive in the world (I'll get to that in a sec), I still assume it has any existence in it of itself Absolutely. Then I realized that I actually assume that I'm in a world... Safe to say this was quite a night. Prior to this though I had an acid trip I a month and a half ago. In that very trip I had what I called "cosmic shadow work" done, not to sound so dramatic. I realized that all perspectives collapse into the One perspective, me. My own subjective experience. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 99999th person perspective can only exist (as an illusion) so long as I cognize it - which is to say, I create it. I realized that day that anything that I perceive "out there" is being generated. To notice anything and have any sort of cognition on any occurrence has to be generated by me. I realized that anything I perceive when I listen to Leo, or I get outraged at "somebody else" for, I criticize non-dual keyboard warriors on the forum, any time I perceive any "other", all that I perceive in them is being created by me. I'm the source of it. In the relative domain, all there is at the end of the day is my own subjective experience. I suddenly realized that everything I really want to know about life, myself, enlightenment, etc. at the end comes down to me. It became utterly clear how ridiculous it is to literally go up to an enlightened person and try and ask for answers to any of my questions. At the end of the day, no other can really help me. This is not to say that even though "other people" can't be of some guidance. However, at the end of the day, I am the one it comes down to as that's always been the case. Despite this being very uncomfortably open ended, I find myself having a greater sense of trust in relation with my own direct experience. I find myself less lenient on the hearsay of others, including Leo. Questions are more open now as is my own experience, not that it's ever really been "closed". When I walk around and I'm feeling relaxed (quite rare) I feel this silence amidst any sort of noise. It's like the Truth is right here and I can really sense it - yet I can't sense it. Pardon the limits of language. That's the best way I can put it. I can feel Emptiness a lot in my day now and it's becoming like an ever more magnetic pull. If you have any comments, tips, advice, or feel like leaving any productive (and I don't mean positive) feedback I would sure love it. Note: I am NOT interested in non-dual keyboard warriors and whatever non-dual regurgitation may come as replies to this post. You know who you are. I am being honest in what I don't know and what I do know. Arrogant remarks of "this is just your ego" and "just love yourself" and "realize you're God" will be ignored.

You’re way too detailed with your examples lol. Got way too much of a detailed picture with that description haha

Lol the thought of comparing business leaders and tycoons to Soviet KGB agents and leaders

Good on you for seeing both sides of the coin. I definitely swung my pendulum 180 degrees as a former blood thirsty Christopher Hitchens/San Harris type of atheist. I really do forget having that worldview and I tend to lose compassion for them because I forgot that that only came about in me because that was all I was ever exposed to in life. Takes good self reflection to keep that in mind.

@Matt8800 if you think I’m here to discuss beliefs of what’s is Absolutely true then you are mistsken. I’m not here to talk about culturally tied belief systems of what is Absolutely true. There are different relative interpretations which can serve as pointers but that’s it. Not to mention I interpret all of those pointers anyways. I do not care what my beliefs are about the Absolute nor yours. No interpretation of the Absolute is true. We can describe for an infinite number of years and they will all miss the mark. It cannot be described. It cannot be symbolized. It cannot be perceived. It cannot even be experienced. If you wanna go about trying to go about becoming conscious of the Absolute through relative experiences, be my guest. Have fun. I’ve contributed to this post what I feel was necessary. This is going nowhere. Take what you serves you. Toss the rest.

There is no such thing as “objective existence”. As far as the relative world goes, all there is is subjectivity. Of course. Again, because you covet experience more than the Truth. This is a common thing many people struggle with if what they seek is liberation. They covet the ignorance and clinging to their own experiences more than truth. That’s not shaming experience. It’s awesome to have experiences of deep compassion with friends and loved ones. It’s awesome to provide contribution to the world that fulfill you and what not. That doesn’t negate the issue though that many people struggle towards liberation because of their attachment to the illusion of experience which doesn’t exist fundamentally. That’s not disowning or poopooing experience. That’s calling it what it is. At the “bottom most point” there is no why as to why actions are being done. Fundamentally that’s a false dilemma. There is no action nor doer, much less a reason as to why there is either. You can interpret what I’m saying as not putting any value on the “physical realm” but at the end of the day, if we’re going to talk about consciousness work and enlightenment and the Absolute and nonduality, I can’t go around pretending that such relative matters have any existence from the Absolute if that’s what we’re here discussing using relative dualistic and inherently assumption language. That doesn’t discredit them. It’s putting them in their proper context in being honest about the matter.

In order to create any real change towards say a more fulfilling life or create any sort of significant change or transformation there has to be a submission to what’s required. What may be required though may not be something you necessarily want to do. If you or I wish to invent something that’s effective tit cannot be ineffective. With that said, if we’re clear on our own top values, wouldn’t it be safe to say that our top values are also our own top principles we can submit to to help facilitate a real change? For example: Let’s say I realize that my top value is Truth. So I’m really passionate about seeking what is actually true about anything, I’m curious about life and all that cool stuff. However... I have a pattern of low integrity, laziness, lying, etc. Couldn’t my top value in this case not only help me to give me a pointer of not only what I want to pursue but how I can live my life? So if my top value is truth, being in integrity with such a principle would probably involve speaking the truth, telling myself the truth, putting my ass on the line and actually doing what it may take for me, whatever that is, to realize what’s for myself what’s true in my own personal investigation, etc.?

@Matt8800 you’re not understanding my point. Watch your projections of me. Experience does not fulfill you or anyone. A beautiful sunrise or sunset may make you feel something truly profound, however it nonetheless passes and goes. Siddhis of people levitating, walking on water are nonetheless childish and immature pursuits if you one fancies themselves seekers of truth and liberation. If you wanna chase an infinite number of different temporary experiences, by all means, do that. Call it what it is though. Wisdom comes from knowing what’s true. Not chasing experiences. Most people who are fascinated by siddhis are really just looking for more experiences and ways to be special. ‘I too can be like Jesus and walk upon water!’ Whether it’s walking upon water, reading minds, levitating, even healing, these are distractions if your goal is the truth. I also never said nor claim rejecting the physical world. As a caveat, there is no world, much less a physical one. What we call as world is yours/our/my mind. If your goal is liberation that’s what you are going to have to realize at the end of the day. There is no world, you, people, etc. and you gotta be able to surrender all of your attachments to that. If you wish to pursue “full liberation” - I personally don’t really like speaking in such terms but for the time being let’s go with it - you are going to have surrender all experiences. Assumptions there is such a thing as experience, attachments to experience, that there is one that experiences, the pleasure they come from certain experiences, etc. Why do you think I’m the story of Buddha, after attaining and developing advanced stages of yogic practice and earlier enlightenment experiences he still sat down in front of the Bodhi tree still unsatisfied in determination towards transcendence of life and death? Because all experiences are temporary. Relative. He wanted freedom. Not attainment. He couldn’t be satisfied until he was free.

@okulele I do something similar the problem though is that from the contraction and the struggling to breathe, all my attention is caught in my head. It feels like I’m squeezing air past my torso to get into my diaphragm. That’s the best way I can put it as far as what it feels like. My back shakes, my shoulders contract and tighten and shake, and my awareness stuck in my head and can’t stop thinking to the point where I drive myself both crazy and actually exhausted. Mind you, this happens in a matter of a minute or 2. Im not even out of shape is the thing other. I’m not some 200 or 300 pound guy. I’m 6’0” 135 pounds and can run 15 miles out the door no problem. I don’t expect necessarily want some quick fix but god... really? After only a minute or 2? I literally can’t meditate. It makes keeping integrity with a meditation practice feel impossible and demoralizing. @Leo Gura any suggestions? I’m still doing research but could use some leads if you got any

+1 to Leo - be mindful of your nondual blabber and talk. It means nothing. Talk is cheap.