MiracleMan

I think one of your questions is like this classic: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?!

Right on! If reality is just an idea, then who's idea is it!? Who is the one having this insane idea? If the universe is just an idea or thought, there has to be an observing presence to witness the idea in the first place! Or am I just on a hamster wheel pumping my hamster legs into oblivion!?

I think it's possible to not have any thoughts at all and just exist as an awareness. You say you can't experience nothingness, I would say it's true, but you become aware of gaps of nothingness through having been born and also during deep sleep. Interesting topic here! During my dreams there is little connection to this person called me, when I have lucid dreams I'm fully aware of "me." When I awake from a normal dream I'm usually dumbfounded at what was going on, because I'm "aware" in the dream but its not from the perspective of me ego, it's more of an omnicisent perspective where I see everything including myself if I happen to be a part of it. I'm a bit skeptical, but I'm thinking this might point to what enlightenment entails in a sense, sort of like a dream and I'm just an observer of it, at least in my own experience. I may never become a Buddha, but a lot of what you guys talk about as far enlightenment goes sort of rings a bell. When people start talking about aliens, star children, and crystals, thats when I start to zone out and it gets less interesting. I think I'm too steeped in layers of conditioning to realize this, as much as I can tell myself this is fact, something is in the way here. Reality is just a thought? Hmmm, could use more pondering! Bake at 350 degrees and see how it tastes...

Had this song stuck in my head today, I thought it was a great analogy to how ego operates in all of us, individually and collectively. Thanks to George Harrison and The Beatles! Lyrics below. Have a good day! "I Me Mine" "All through the day, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine All through the night, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine Now they're frightened of leaving it Everyone's weaving it Coming on strong all the time All through the day, I me mine I me me mine, I me me mine, I me me mine, I me me mine All I can hear, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine Even those tears, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine No one's frightened of playing it Everyone's saying it Flowing more freely than wine All through the day, I me mine I me me mine, I me me mine, I me me mine, I me me mine All I can hear, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine Even those tears, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine No one's frightened of playing it Everyone's saying it Flowing more freely than wine All through the day, I me mine"

I think ego death is misunderstood as annihilation of the ego. I think ego death is when the ego surrenders to the Truth, becomes greatly diminished as the star of the show, and becomes integrated as the front-end of how you interact with other humans. It makes absolutely no sense to me to NOT have an ego, unless you aren't human. Just my opinion.

To me it is like, a contraction of the body, my chest feels like it's sucking in, my spine tightens and aches, I feel like a water hose with high pressure but there is a knot or binding that stagnates the flow. In the head there is a fogginess, an increased sensitivity to light, and a physical heaviness. My whole body feels heavy, like I'm wading through water, there's a lack of energy or vibrance. At least physically. There's a lot confusion in the mind and it's much like a violent storm, lots of nasty thoughts. On the other hand I think if I was fully aware, fully conscious of how I identify with it, I wouldn't be depressed. The way i see it is that I've not cultivated the awareness to see that I am not the depression, I feel a part of me wants to be in pain, it wants to maintain the illusion. But right now it's just the way things are, but I'm doing my best to improve my life.

Chrono Cross was great, the main character Serge arrives in a parallel reality, seemingly identical but in this reality he died as a young child. Things are different in the two timelines you play in, the focal point of both having the character exist in one reality, and doesn't exist in the other. The absence of self in the other world is eerie to say the least, but here you are, trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you are real! The whole game is a mind fuck, it tackles questions about reality and how we seemingly create it with the mind. Time is another big theme in the game, and is questioned whether or not time even exists. The art and music is beautiful, I'd check it out if you've never played it, it's an older game though.

I give up. I tried listening to less music, sometimes for days or weeks, I would really only hear music outside of my own doing such as another person playing it. Still, I hear music all day everyday, in my mind. So I've realized that it is out my control, and I don't give a shit anymore. Wanna know what's playing? Chemistry by Rush, I didn't even pick that song, but it's in my mental playlist. Funny thing is I can change it if I start thinking about another tune of my own will, but mostly it's random. I guess the thoughts are the same way too, I can influence them a bit, but mostly it's random thoughts all day. And another thing I realize is that in my addictions, I have no choice, I'm powerless, and if I choose to use I suffer, if I choose not to use I suffer EVEN MORE it seems. Why is it that I didn't feel this miserable until after I realized I had a problem? I mean what the living fuck.... So no matter what I choose, I suffer, so I'm here at this place now, I've finally realized that I have no fucking control, or at least very little influence on what's happening inside, I have little influence, so why am I going crazy listening to my own bullshit. Even if I ignore myself I feel like I'm still giving my ego some fucking candy. Honestly im just throwing in the towel, I give up. I'm not in control here, no matter what I do life is going to happen. I'm not in control but the madness is that I'm desperately trying to steer this illusory shit storm of fire into a safe landing zone.

Meant to post this in emotional problems, not meditation forums but really it doesn't matter. Not sure if I've actually surrendered, I'm hitting all the snares. Not sure if I've relinquished control. So much of this is so paradoxical it feels maddening. Enlightenment work still feels like insanity. But I've become aware that I'm already insane and most everyone else is too. I feel the same as everyone but I also feel apart. I'm awoken to my own madness, I'm batshit crazy. The things I do are just plain crazy, no fully conscious person would do some of the sick shit I do. But it's time for that to end, it's time to die a little. This precious boy, this wonderful man, and all the hatred and pain, it's gotta stop being done by my own hand. I can't force it, god knows how long I've tried. I can't just ignore it either, that doesn't work. So I'm here the middle, going through cycle after cycle. Not sure where they begin or end but it's definitely a traceable pattern. Only thing I know for sure is that the wheel turns every few weeks and I end up being smashed by myself. Smashed like "I love you" for a brief while then "I hate you" by the end of the cycle, then it repeats. I'm being completed torn apart by my mind, reassembled, and set to "GO" every time. And nothing changes to my perception, I'm on to it now, my mode is set to "suffer" no matter how much I accomplish, this is really a good realization to me. BUT I'M STILL SO FRUSTRATED and angry I want to scream, what's worse is I can't find a valid reason as to why, NOT ONE VALID THING. So I'm on to it now, I see that, but I'm still pissed off, I still do stupid shit in those states, but now it's even more infuriating because it's just the momentum my minds climbed to for so fucking long. This is an avalanche I'm caught in, no choice but to be buried. Being buried in emotions I can't find reasons for now, like I'm a vacant mindless doll I injected with feelings that cling to thoughts and tell me a story of why. But the why is so stupid and childish. And here, I'm escaping my present duties by even posting this. I'm using spirituality as an escape, my last way out, because everything else is dying in a pool of it's own shit, I can't identify myself anymore, I don't know what I'm supposed to be in this world, am I a gamer, am I an activist, am I a racist, am I good worker, am I my career, am I child, a parent, a victim, an addict? I know I'm none of these things. But also I don't know I'm none of these things, if I knew i was none of these things I might not even be writing this right now. Honestly, I'm taking a break from all of this. I'm going to continue my practice but god damn, I really need to lay off of this and relax a bit. I'm using spirituality as another way to fuck myself, when in reality I've got all the tools to break out of prison, I've always had them. So I wanna thank EVERYONE here for showing me the path, I've gotta actually walk it now. What I'm doing here right now is hanging out in the starting area STILL talking about enlightenment and improving, when the path is right fucking here.

Are the two mutually exclusive, or can enlightenment be a life purpose in itself? Or is enlightenment more of a personal goal and possibly a supplement to life purpose? I'm told enlightenment is no-thing and you shouldn't make it into a goal because then it becomes some-thing.

Any advice you can give me or OP to look out for or be careful about when these things arise? Mainly fear. Sometimes in my practice I get such an insane amount of fear, which moves to terror, sometimes it feels like a demonic presence. I know it isn't real, but it feels real, my body has a lot of physical pain and reactions, lots of muscle spasms in my legs, lots of pain in the lower back, pretty much daily. The pain is around everyday but the fear comes up occasionally, and I have trouble dealing with it. Ego death seems like the top of the mountain and I'm in an impossible valley.

I thought ego death was just a term, not literally meaning death. Is it really that dramatic? Does it have to be that dramatic? How can you have NO ego at all? I always thought that through enlightenement the ego was diminished in its power over the self, rather more integrated and used when needed?

In my practice thus far I've come to a point where I've realized how divided my mind is. In one voice there is a thought: a statement or question. The other voice answers. I know it's the same voice, but there is a lot of back and forth, more simply put one says "yes" the other says "no" and I'm really starting to feel how much this poisons me. But I've been doing this for years, and in fact I learned this as a kid during formative years. So my conditioning has been to function in this way, albeit a form of protection, maybe the greater pull of the divide being a parent like figure, the other being a child of sorts. This was a very toxic, but I never truly realized this was the dynamic. I began to become afraid of continuing Vipassana, there is still some fear and resistance in here, because a lot of stuff was surfacing. I sort of had another insight further down, where I was reading the posts of others and how they were having hard times with Vipassana, and all of the sudden it seemed too dramatic to me. They carried a lot of pain I could tell from the post, but I realized we were doing the same thing. I was dramatizing my own practice, creating more pain for myself by scaring myself. I've continued with Vipassana but cautioned only with not taking it so seriously, not digging around for things, just dealing with pain as it arises. Does early childhood conditioning and neurtoic behaviors become more diminished as awareness increases?

@VoyagerEver heard of heat stroke? What are you trying to prove here? Just be careful man.

I feel like going to join a monastery is the nuclear option, I think everyone thinks about this at some point on their path. I have a new mortgage so I can't walk away from that commitment (at least until I get some decent equity). My nuclear option was more or less to spend 6 to 8 months attempting a through hike of the Appalachian Trail, treating it like a very long meditation retreat. Not expecting to find enlightenment in this sense, but seems like a good way to really make a hard disconnect from modern society and just be surrounded by nature 24/7.

That is the first step, and most important. If you actually go through with it, it's gonna change your life. I had to learn the hard way, you are 22 and discovering this now, you are way ahead of the curve. You cannot get out of the pit without the tool of self compassion, it's the starting point of your journey. Ask yourself this too: are you one person, or two persons? Who is the person who cant live with the other? Are you one or are you two? It might not make a lot sense now, but once I realized the power of the inquiry, it set in motion my life's purpose. But it starts with self love. You don't have to like yourself to love yourself either, that may come at a later time. All I'm saying is I was on the brink just like you, and self love will pull you out. It's difficult, I'm not going to sugar coat it, you've got some work to do. It's simultaneously the easiest thing to do once you realize how. And it works, it really works. Try these things, but the order is intentional: 1. Self Compassion 2. Mindfulness or Vipassana Meditation (this restores the lost connection of the mind and body, I assume you live in your head most days?) 3. Relax. Seriously. Also known as alignment. The more relaxed you make yourself everyday the more you can absorb the compassion you give yourself and the more you can absorb spirituality without it going to your ego. Relax like it's no big deal. Work on those then you can make changes in your external life. I saw you mentioned no one around you connects with you. Doesn't matter where you are on the planet. It's not what you want to hear but you are looking for external reasons to change your life like "this place, these people." People suck everywhere man. It's not them. This change has to happen from within, only then will your external circumstances change. Try moving somewhere else and you'll still be miserable eventually if not immediately. I've tried it many many times. Always look inside first. Pain has brought you here, be thankful, you are aware of it, most people aren't aware of their pain, they just spread it like the plague it is. Pain is one of the deepest spiritual inquiries so use it to your advantage to wake up out of unconsciousness.

I met the pain body during my walking meditation today, I locked eyes with an older man as walked by and I could feel the rage, in my body I felt it too. Other guys might know what I mean, it's the fighting look. It's that look you give someone preceded by "what the fuck are you looking at?" or "what is your problem" This is how pain stays alive? His pain awoke my own, even though they are basically the same. For about 5 seconds or so I wanted to fight. I recognized the pain body immediately, I let it have it's moment, then it vanished. It was crazy, just out of no where we locked eyes and I just felt like fighting. It was almost like an "aha" moment rather than my usual reaction which was to bury it or tack onto the ego which feels like "less than" which is why it wants to prove its masculinity in any way possible. I saw a hole in his neck, from smoking apparently. I felt sorry for him, and myself at the same time. I saw that we both are just in a lot of pain. Again, it's amazing to see the laws of attraction here. I realize how much angry people I'm around, disturbed people, unhappy people, and how much I attract them and how much I myself am also attracted to them. It's like a magnet. I've been avoiding romantic relationships (temporarily) for this very reason because I see the patterns. I don't want to attract people into my life that have such a negative frequency. I still love these people, but I don't have the momentum to get ahead because the group mentality is stuck in a huge gap of unhappiness, and repressed rage. I can't help but empathize with my surrounding group, it's like I become that negative energy when I'm around it. I absorb and fit into my tribe, even against my own wishes. I think the best thing to do is move on and walk my own path, and love those people anyways.

Doing better, I've healed a lot, I've resolved a lot family issues that were causing me great pain. My practice is becoming more rewarding to me, and I'm starting a new chapter in my life situation. My life itself (totally apart from the situation) still suffers, but it's rapidly improving. I feel a windfall, a change happening within me, but I still haven't fully rid myself of the pain body. Music Loops stuck in the head 24/7. People also call them earworms, because a song just gets trapped in your head and repeats. I wake up to songs playing, it's happening in the background as I write this. Lately it's gotten quieter in my mind, if I sit down and focus on the music as an observer it slowly fades to silence, but will return as soon as I turn my mind's eye away. When I'm busy doing something, this is my default background noise. Maybe it's the pain body, the brain loops drain me of a lot energy and I feel tired all the time even though I get plenty of sleep, I exercise and am in good shape, but still I'm tired all the time. I still have a lot of internal rage and pain, I've been trying to address this. I've also healed myself of a majority of my physical pain, I had severe lower back pain the last 2 years so badly I could barely sit in a chair for an hour without excruciating pain, I came home from work everyday and got into bed because of the pain. It took a lot of work to lessen that pain, but the pain body is still strong within in, it still lashes out. I've been listening to "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and it's really opened me up and really solidified my path in a sense. A curse or a blessing, I don't know. Lately I've been using it as a reminder to be present, whenever I hear the music playing I know I'm not fully present, so I've turned it from an annoying and maddening thing into a tool, but it's no less annoying or maddening. I've tried making it light hearted by calling it my dance party, or the rock concert in my head. I also ask, who is there? Who is making all this noise? Is it me? It can't be me because if I was controlling it I could turn it off. I'm starting to treat my addictions in the manner too, although I still use it's diminishing in power. Before I smoke, I'll ask myself who is having this craving? When I feel a craving or a voice say "let's smoke" I observe it, and I ask "who are you? Or what is that voice?" I'm separating the cravings from my identity in this way, severing the link between my thoughts and feelings. When the porn monster rears its ugly head I try to turn the lights on in my mind, to see the monster, to ask what it wants, who are you, you can't be me because if you were I could dissolve you instantly. I'm realizing these cravings and abusive voices are the pain body itself, not me, it can't be me. I feel powerful, like I have some momentum. But my ego is still boss, I still lash out, still prone to fits of rage, losing consciousness, judging others, getting into petty arguments with no purpose. I felt the energy of a strangers smile today, never felt it like that, but if I did it was forgotten a long time ago, or it's just been unconscious. It just made me happy for an instant, a quick smile passing by, and I felt a wave of warmth inside of me, deep in the chest and gut. It felt like me.

My ego is thisssssss big!!! "No, but my ego is THISSSSSS big!!!" "Oh yeah? Check out the size of this ego, baby!" I eat ego waffles every morning for breakfast! Okay enough silliness on my part. Kanye is correct in his assertion that he is God. But if the ego is telling him that, then he doesn't really know right? This isn't rhetorical or sarcastic, I wanna know. Does the truth come from source or can we convince ourselves it's true (belief, faith) until we see for ourselves?

Daily mindfulness and concentration is what I'm doing as well. It works very rapidly over a period of weeks. It's very strange, I'm still in a tug of war with my emotions at times but I've felt an alarming sense of calm, I say alarming in a good way because it's just come out of no where. Other strange things are happening. Another thing I'm doing is walking meditation 30 minutes everyday and about 20 min of straight vipasanna in addition to mindfulness hardmode. What other results have you noticed?

Explore how you equate or closely relate emptiness to sadness. I do this everyday but now I try to observe rather than engage with it. You are onto something there though, pierce it a bit further. Emptiness isn't sadness, sadness is a thought right? Maybe a feeling is there too but that is another separate thing. When everything else falls away and you feel sadness in the emptiness of your being, maybe you associate the feeling of sadness with emptiness because at some point in your life that void was present. I saw the void when I was a child but I had no spiritual guidance, none of these experiences that a lot of enlightened people claim to have had. It was very similar but without any answer, it was just fear there. So I associated fear with the void, and pain and sorrow and a lot negative things that I think fucked me up. But now I'm realizing that was a mistake, or rather just what brains do sometimes, so I have to separate my feelings from the thoughts. The fear was just a thought, and the feeling just a sensation, and the void was just what is. Not sure I can tell you what is happening there or help you. I honestly wouldn't pay too much energy on this, continue your practice, you may discover the answer without having to pry to hard into the past.

I think during my healing journey I've gotten to this place on the spiritual path that I'm trying to do too much at one time. The demands and expectations I set for myself have caused me to beat myself up for failing to reach them. This is classic depression, and I'm still fighting the good fight. I'm so focused on the path of enlightenment and 20 other topics I want to integrate that I feel like I'm trying to skip level 1 and go straight to level 10. All the while I'm going at it like a drill sergeant or dictator and this is fueling my self hate. Maybe this isn't as black and white as I spell it out here, but maybe my intention needs to focus on opening my heart and loving the one who is in pain. I've gotten some good advice from folks here and it's truly helped me. I've gone full circle and come back to the realization that I need to cultivate self love and compassion NOW. I keep feeling like there is something out there I need to master first before I'm worthy of happiness or my own self approval. I think it's obvious I'm acting out so much in order to get my own approval or attention, and instead of telling myself "it's okay, I love you" I'm telling myself I suck or I "shouldn't be doing these things." I also find the more I tell myself I shouldn't do something the more it feels REALLY good to do it. I find the ego loves this, it loves the "forbidden fruit" angle, then the behavior becomes taboo and therefore exciting and dramatic, ego loves that drama! When the unwanted patterns occur the ego goes "this is so bad, what are we doing, I can't and should not do it!" And then BAM a huge hit dopamine washes on through once the action takes place, the pattern becomes even stronger, and followed by more "why did I do that, I'm so terrible, this is unstoppable, why do I do this to myself." It's like a love affair with the ego. What's funny is I'm so worried about telling myself "I love you" when the negative behaviors occur because I think it will cause the behavior to grow. It's very counter intuitive. I'm starting to believe this is not the case, because the negative patterns exist and feed from the same vibration as "I shouldn't be doing this." The words "I love you" don't resonate with those negative patterns, I think it's like throwing a wrench in the wheels of self hatred. I've got to pull myself into a higher vibration before I can really push myself towards enlightenment. Short term goal: cultivate self love, feel happy right now, continue breathing meditation daily, align myself with loving attention and RELAX.

@5driedgrams my method of acquiring them fell through, so it's up in the air now, I might get lucky here soon though. I really like that quote, good advice, might have to check out that book. I am trying too hard, I've realized, my spiritual path has quickly tapped into my "all or nothing" thinking and ran with it pretty hardcore. I've discounted all my positive benefits and been stuck in a negative reinforcement loop. It's like always looking to find something negative to work on, I'm sure I could do this for an eternity, I'm sure I even inherit more problems because of this attitude. There's a parable you might know, about a guy who asks Buddha for advice for his many problems. Buddha responds "everyone has 83 problems, but you seem to have 84 problems. " "What is the 84th problem?" the man asks. Buddha replies, "you wish not to have anymore problems." I think on the spiritual path we feel the need to resolve our emotional baggage and a plethora of perceived things "wrong" with us. I've been trying radical acceptance as a counter to this type of thinking. There is a lot I can change, but I could spend a lifetime and then some pointing out everything I dont like about myself like some sort of dictator or overbearing parent. The quote you mentioned about stepping lightly resonates with my current path, I'm finding ways to just relax, slow down. Some good advice I heard was if you aren't aware of your breath during an activity, you are going to fast. I've only tried this for the past week or so, slowing down my walking speed, and general trying to relax my body whenever possible, trying to find my in and out breath whenever I realize I'm not with my breath.

I'm looking for some advice on what I should do for a shroom therapy session I'll be undertaking soon. I've heard that it can help with anxiety/depression. I'll be doing them alone, and really the only plans I have are to do a safety check around the house, lock the doors and close the blinds, and just sit down as if I'm going to meditate. I've done them a few times before but its been a while. I'm not looking for or expecting a spiritual breakthrough. I try not to form any hardcore expectations either way. Any suggestions or advice would be lovely. Thanks.

Leo, sorry if this has been asked before. I think I remember you saying you used to have a problem with playing video games too often, correct me if I'm wrong. Was it a full blown addiction or just a habit? Do you still occasionally play video games today? If so what are you playing!? Thanks! I used to have a pretty hardcore addiction but I've managed to break free of it, I've started playing some games recently and I'm trying to avoid getting sucked back into playing everyday.