MiracleMan

Plenty. Behold! *farts*

This is a question for those who have been on these types of retreats and I could use advice on the subject. 1. Is it wise to go with a group with an instructor? 2. Is guidance necessary? 3. Does it matter if you're in nature or inside your house? 4. Lets say your goal is 8 hours of Vipassana in a given day, are you taking small breaks in between to eat/drink or rest, or is it totally necessary to do everything you can to not break up the session? Thanks.

@Nahm when I was lifting weights and doing barbell squats every other day I felt much better, I'm going to start again soon. I've been doing hot yoga as well but after the last few sessions my pain increased. This is also a stress/anxiety thing I'm sure of it, the inflammation increases when I'm stressed out, a lot of it I'm not totally aware of and it's an automatic process, I've been meditating more often to get some insight on this, I want to do a retreat but I really want some spiritual guidance, I really feel like I'm lost at sea here. I know most of this journey is DIY and everyone's experience is unique, but the loneliness is taking a toll on me. @Leo Gura I've ran the medical gauntlet. I've had MRIs, CT scans, multiple epidural spinal injections, nerve blocks, countless hours of physical therapy, chiropractic treatment, accupuncture, dieting, you name it I've tried it. The reason I'm here right now on the spiritual path is because I've ran that gauntlet and in such desperation I turned to spirituality after having a realization that this pain wasn't caused by a physical event, but from the mind. I've been in the pits of addiction and depression for many years now and maybe that plays a part, I am in recovery but it's a bit half assed. My entire life has been planned around isolation and feeding myself whatever I damn well want. So now I'm trying very hard to come back into balance. That being said, I'm still making it to work on time everyday, I'm paying my bills, to me that's a miracle, and there were several times in the past year I really thought I was going to lose my job because of my condition, the pain, the addiction, the depression. I've dug my roots in deep in my life here, I've made financial commitments to society that I just can't walk away from to inquire the source of this pain. If I could just drop everything I'd be occupying my time in a monk like fashion, not because I crave enlightenment but because this pain has some sort of resolution waiting for it, I'm done negotiating with it but it still frightens me. But I've got to keep pushing on with it, the inquiry and the breath work, and recovery most of all. The pain was diminished for about 6 to 8 months, still there but in the past two weeks I've been literally ambushed by it full force, it's come back full force, with no mechanism I can find for it's return, I did nothing "wrong" it's just come back like an unwanted guest. I've had my insights through my practice, maybe brief small glimpses, maybe the pain is an ego holding on for dear life, maybe some call it a kundalini awakening, but here again I could try to analyze and come up with a million spiritual reasons why the pain is here, but I'm done telling myself stories and fairy tales about why it's here, the why doesn't seem important anymore. @Natasha Dieting may help with reducing the inflammation, but it's not the cause of it in my experience thus far. I've gone carb free, gluten free, sugar free, and back again in moderation, gone from 150 lbs to 125lbs, no changes in the levels of pain or swelling.

I like this. I would add that if one truly believes they have willpower, become an addict. You will know that willpower is an illusion, it requires something greater than the ego to overcome a parasite that the ego believes it can control. We aren't controlling shit, and when we think we are controlling something we're becoming more and more embedded and invested in this thing called "I".

I think my problem stems from looking for a partner for a sense of completion, and the people I'm attracted to match my own frame of mind. I think it's really an elaborate story the ego tells itself: surviving trauma and conditioning at a young age, being the one who is cast away and broken hearted, the hopeless romantic looking for redemption from past relationships gone bad. The narrative fits the patterns I've followed, and I catch my mind all the time adding in more layers to the narrative. I used to psychoanalyze myself constantly and find problem after problem to fix, and this can and will go on indefinitely because the mind has an infinite amount of resources to keep the story going. So lately I've boiled everything down to one problem only: the mind itself. Step out of its way and the story no longer holds any weight. Easier said than done, because my conditioning started as a seed, which is now a tree, and the mind has so much momentum its hard to keep my head above water, it's hard to not look at the mind with disinterest because there are just so many loops playing at once, it drains your battery for sure. As this relates to relationships, it's really the mind itself that is the problem, lose interest in the story lines that it weaves and maybe some space will open up for something truly new. If you're watching yourself constantly you'll catch on to the fact that it's all old news, those stories, they haven't changed much since you were a kid and this is the "exhibit A" i was looking for along, the big kahuna. It's all a repetitive loop that keeps me more and more bonded to a false identity: being the hopeless one, the one who finds only pain in relationships in the end, never being good enough, etc. There's a bunch of "me's" and several "I's" in there, lately I've been questioning why I have so many identities and problems. I'm starting to believe that a lot of it is just bullshit, it doesn't pass the sniff test for me anymore, and I'm starting to take women less and less seriously, as I'm taking life less and less seriously. I think I'll be happy now, instead of waiting for a false reality I've made up in my mind in some future that will never come to be.

Im trying not to channel my frustration into this post, but I'm having a hard day. For all his advice, I like Paul Heddermans approach, he's mostly a no nonsense teacher and can be a bit harsh, and maybe I Misunderstand but I've heard him say in one interview that meditation is useful, and in another talk, he says how useless meditation is and says it actually reinforces the bondage of self. I'm clearly not understanding his message. I like most of his teachings because he gives a lot of advice that resonates with me as a recovering addict, and he doesn't teach in a way that revolves around the definition of God or a lot mysticism surrounding the subject of Non duality, most of its quite practical. This guy practiced meditation for 20 something years, and also had the guidance of several masters. Reaches a state of no-self and now says his practice was pointless. So for the rest of us, that are still getting raped by ego on a daily basis, what good is this teaching? I think it was summed up better in a Buddha at the Gas Pump interview when he did more or less advocate practice, but his more recent talks don't seem to resonate this. Maybe I'm not understanding this and letting frustration get the better of me. I've been taking breaks from the forum because often Im here avoiding my practice, and using spirituality as an escape instead of doing the hard work involved. Maybe I need to avoid teachings for the time being and just stick with a practice, especially from the multitudes of teachers available and they all have different approaches. I think it can get confusing to the new comers like myself who is trying to solidify a practice. I would honestly like to just have a real life teacher I could talk to and seek guidance from rather than jumping from this flavor to that flavor. In the end I think the message is the same, but reaching a state of liberation from the self seems futile in the wake of everyone else's interterpration and teaching.

Student: "How can you be enlightened and smoke cigarettes? You clearly identify with smoking!" Master: "Maybe you identify with non-smoking?" I couldn't find this again, but maybe it was from Buddha at the Gas Pump with Mooji who mentioned it? I just thought it was funny, maybe it should go under the enlightenment jokes thread.

I think the insight I'm having here is that I'm going for women that reflect my own inner turmoil. I'm matching up with other neurotic individuals I think what really frightens me is being with someone who actually has their shit together because mentally I do not, and I don't want to cause them pain because of my own. I've never cheated on someone even though I've had the opportunity to do so in the past. I'm not incapable of it though, I won't pretend I could never make that mistake. I think I'll take my practice a bit further and try to get to the root of the neurotic and narcissistic behavior, because really dating has never been this difficult for me, it used to come quite naturally. And I'm stuck in loops of self judgement and anxiety, always watching every move I make so as not to make a mistake. I'm starting to realize the duality in this, "I" am judging my "self" and it's causing a lot physical symptoms not to mention monkey mind 16 hours a day, from the time I wake until I sleep. I know it's also not that simple, and really what I'm starting to do is just commit to the meditation and yoga practice just for the sake of it and not focus so much on outcomes, actually not at all, because life tends to punch me in the face repeatedly and often when I try to force it to my design. I can't help but feel like people just want to stay away from me, like they can feel my negativity and just are naturally repelled by me. Of course, this is slightly delusional because I don't know it as fact, and lately I try not to trust my intuition because again, it's reflection of how much I try to control and dominate life when the physical and mental pain in my body is a marker for telling me how much I'm not in control. Really, I'm learning this shit the hard way, I can't win through brute force, I can't find the "perfect" woman for me because it's a fabrication of the ego that wants everything.

And I kind of regret the post now, but ill leave it. I think most of this is just my ego thrashing about, and I'm too concerned about whats mine and what is going to be taken away, what I might or gain or lose, how I might try to win in a no win scenario.

That is true, I guess I could try acknowledging that the people perpetuating this grief are probably dealing with shit in their personal lives, the same with myself actually. I do try to have a positive attitude, not in the sense of being "nice" and letting people walk all over me, but just that if I sink down into my previous levels of negativity i tend to make my life worse. I think I'm at this point in my life where things are more stable and I fail to remember the way things were before when I was feeling like shit everyday and really having a lot of depression. I deal with anxiety more than anything now, and my job definitely contributes. I was previously a tradesmen and I do have the option to go back into an hourly position in the next few months if I choose and work with my hands again, but that job has it's pros and cons too. It's either work in the comfort of an office and deal with pampered children masquerading as engineers, or get out into the elements and heat, deal with nightmarish parking situations, and generally just physically labor intensive, but damn good money. I forget I do have options, but there is always the fear of "what if" and sometimes I think I should just say fuck it and take the leap. IF I leave on good terms I can always come back, it's a massive company.

I'm having problems at work, and right now I'm stuck here and I'm accepting that because I've made other commitments (debts, mortgage, etc) for the short term. I keep sucked into the group mentality in this office, everyone seems to have a level of stress and agitation around the job and 99% of it is unnecessary. People act like children having their toys taken away for simply having to do their fucking job, and it drives me nuts because I seem to be sucked into the same mentality often, and I find myself stressing out over other people's reaction to shit that just isn't that important. People get angry, upset, and like to talk a lot of shit about each other constantly. It's hard to do my job because part of my job is making sure other people are doing their work, and I'm constantly surrounded by negativity. So far my spiritual practice hasnt granted me immunity or acceptance of the going ons and frequent negativity that permeates the office. How do I keep from losing my cool and allowing the anger and resentment of others to affect me?

Yes please do a video on this! I'd like to hear Leo's perspective and really dig in deep to this subject.

I'm in a similar situation as you, highly neurotic and really I've had a fire lit under my ass lately to sit the fuck down and put some quality time in on self inquiry and meditation. No more bullshit, no more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself, everything else is a distraction. At this point I don't have a life purpose because I first need to tame this wild animal that is my mind, or at least get out of the way of it, because it doesn't serve a purpose except for enhancing my suffering and neurosis further. I have a career already and I make a decent salary, have a mortgage, etc, but my short term goals have been: work overtime, meditation and self inquiry 2 to 3 hours per day, pay off my student loan debt, build some equity, then figure out a life purpose if it suits the situation, then sell my house. What I'd like to do really is a long distance hike, either thru hike the Appalachian trail, or walk across America. When I think of life purpose, I think of playing societies game, and the game is what I'm trying to unplug from. IF that life purpose entails a life situation, I want no part of it really, I think I could live in a cave and be perfectly happy. A big neurosis of mine is the view of the self in others, and it holds me back from focusing on my goals because I'm so worried about what others may think of me, mainly my family and friends.

But Leo..... (sorry couldn't resist)....if the ego wants to distract and keep you occupied, and the ego is me, what is it that wants to work toward the truth? If the ego fears it's own death most of all, and I'm the ego, what is it that meditates and does the exercises that will inevitably lead to it's own death? Is this just a paradox to accept and move on?

NoFap is fine but community is horrid, it's a lot of self pity and superstitious beliefs about "benefits." There are exceptions but there is a lot of "I broke my streak, I'm such a piece of shit" and a lot of folks telling you what you should do and not do. It's an alternative to SAA that is far off the beaten path of self help. It's a bunch of sex addicts trying to force one another into submitting to their view of masturbation and sexuality. You'll be far better off in a 12 step program with real people you can talk to, get a sponsor, and have some interaction with others. NoFap isn't new, it's sex addiction, and no amount of forum hopping is gonna make you successful, if you don't believe me go and count the amount of relapse reports and compared to folks who are making 200+ days of sobriety. It's quite a large gap.

What is the nature of forgiveness? I'm turning a focus toward this, in my practice I've had all this pain and past events arising in my consciousness without digging for it. I'm doing my best not make these things about myself, but I could use some guidance. Last night I had some turbulence, it was painful, I don't want to go in detail but there are things coming to the surface now that I haven't prepared myself for and it's too late to go back now. I'm wondering if I will survive this process, if I'll go mad. That is why I need a radical departure from the closed and boxed off way of looking at reality. I need to forgive in order to survive this process, I feel like it's essential. But saying it to myself "I forgive them" isn't convincing me I'm actually letting go. I want forgiveness to be my intention going forward for now, not only for the sake of my spiritual growth but for my sanity. But please help remind me, why is Forgiveness important? What is the nature of it, how do I make it a reality? I could really use it today guys, thanks so much.

Sounds like something Id like to play hosting one of my d&d or pathfinder campaigns! I dig it.

There in lies the hard problem of consciousness right? I can't show you consciousness or hand it to you, you can only know it from your perspective. Science has the advantage of being objective because we can make measurements from without that both of us can verify together through mathematical agreement. If I tell you I'm feeling happy, you can't be inside of my head to verify that for a fact, no matter what instruments you plug me up to it's going to be through some sort of filter, you'll have to take my word for it, it's taken for granted how much this world operates on the faith that people say what they mean by their intentions, but really, you can't know what they are personally experiencing in the mind. You could get very close to possibly understanding what I mean but you are alone inside your own head, you can't hear my cognitions can you? I think this why religion in general is wrapped up in faith as a requirement, and enlightenment in a sense requires faith because from I'm told you can't have any idea what that experience (or non experience, whatever) is like until you are there, so anything the mind tries to come up with will only be a projection and not the real deal.

And before the folks who shame 440hz music and metal as being "lower vibration" just thought you should open your minds a bit more, if it disturbs you, you don't have to listen. Machine Head - Be Still and Know In this struggle Are we dead or alive? Freedom is not existence It's why we survive Shake our grief Hold on to belief It can't enslave us forever There is relief No change will be permanent Our strength enduring Bright incandescent Take a chance before we fall Backs against the wall And the sun will rise Dawn will break through the blackest night Distant in its glow This shall pass be still and know And there's heartache As we search to connect Even just for a moment Pretend We're content There is love Know that we are one We are all in this together Weather the storm Look into each other's eyes Make the connection before it dies It will all disseminate As we consummate And the sun will rise Dawn will break through the blackest night Distant in its glow This shall pass be still and know Is it hopeless? Will the fear take control? Don't succumb to the numbing Sting of defeat Take this hate Let the bile stagnate Hoist the head of Goliath Bask in its grace Stars realign in the sky Glaciers will melt and the oceans rise Waves will come crashing ashore But withstand the roar And the sun will rise Dawn will break through the blackest night Distant in its glow This shall pass be still and know

Thanks for the response, being here in southeastern Virginia my options are limited, although there is an organization up in Delaware that runs them for free, you just need to apply. It's a bit out of the way for me so I'm thinking of running one myself or just going solo. Thing is, I have no friends who would be interested in this sort of thing, so I'm thinking solo retreat which requires more discipline on my part, especially if I don't backpack somewhere. Being in my house there is the distraction of being interrupted by others but I have the discipline to resist distracting myself with the things in my house. I live alone so it's a plus but I do have people stopping by throughout the week. The hot weather is breaking though, virginia has some horribly humid summer heat and backpacking hasn't been an option until now. What do you all think, nature or house!? Fyi, my house is surrounded by lots of tree coverage, a lot of birds and insects around, and my neighbors are pretty quiet. On the nature side, there are a lot of state parks but few with primitive camping sites and those are hardcore. My eyes are set on backbay refuge, which is only accessible by foot, bike, or boat, and it's at least a 6 mile hike just to get into the refuge.

@Shin haha I loved that! And the drawing, it's inspiring.

I feel the fear of nothingness, but I'm not sure how all this is supposed to work: surrending, forgiving, letting go. I think my mind is in such a state of conceptualizing everything it tries to turn no-thing into some-thing, to see it, to hold it. Maybe I'm looking for a mechanism that doesn't exist, a clever trick of the ego/self? Paul Hedderman says the way out of the self isn't through the self. But the self is all I know, except for brief experiences that the mind clings too through memories or dreams. I don't know how to die, how to shed this shell that keeps my self at the center of the universe? How!?

I have severe lower back pain at times that I went through several years of MRIs, CT scans, and other painful procedures and they all came up with nothing. Now, I'm noticing when the pain is absent from my lower back, I get muscle spasms in my legs and calves. Other times it's in my upper spine, and other times it's in my chest in the solar plexus and it feels like my chest is caving in. It's like it's moving everywhere in my body except the brain, I had a panic attack the other day and I literally felt this pain, energy, pressure, shoot up and down my spine like a ping pong ball, I felt like my soul was going to jump out of my body. I tried not resisting but I still, I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong or right, I just tried to feel it. The whole thing feels like a physical object within my body, it feels like something I want to push out of me but it just seems to be bouncing up and down my spine throughout the day. It comes in the form of pain, spasms, and intense pressure in the chest, but it's the same thing. And nothing is medically wrong because I've been through the gauntlet several times and no doctor has been able to help me. Also, sorry OP, didn't mean to hijack your thread, but maybe I'm in the same boat as you. I think I should start a thread about chronic pain and see if any other folks are suffering in this way.

@Peace and Love Thank you for sharing your story and your advice. It means a great deal to me and it's just what I needed. I can relate to your story as I am in recovery right now for sex addiction, I've been attending a lot of SAA and trying to limit my acting out, the program is helping tremendously but I've yet to get a sponsor. I faced a lot humiliation, physical and verbal abuse as a child, blah blah, qualifying myself a bit here It's highly irrelevant to my situation in the now, however, life is becoming more exciting rather than dreadful, more fun instead of taxing, more unexpected and rewarding as I allow life to be instead of trying to control every move. There is still work to be done however, I'm not out of the weeds yet! I'm becoming more conscious of my intention now, I've actually caught myself in the act of feeling malice in my words and speech that I didn't notice before, saying things designed to inflict pain, as a reflection of my inner pain. As I notice these things I'm starting to go a bit easier on myself day by day but it's not easy. A lot of behavior I label as "bad" is just a behavior, no adjective needed here, even what I label "good". It isn't easy treating myself with dignity and respect, but it's getting better, I still identify with a lot of self hatred because of my past, and the paradoxical nature of the work is confusing because my mind conceptualizes everything so automatically, almost mechanically, like a logical machine trying to make sense of it all. Layers and layers, this is the nature of my conditioning, and it can be painful work, but I'm finding the rewards and insights satisfying enough to continue the journey onward. Thanks for helping me find the courage to say yes to pain, to allow a space within in me for God and others. And lastly, to forgive myself for the false perception that I've been wronged. You are right when you say that these past experiences labeled as "bad" are misperceptions. Indeed they have lead me here, to you, and to others who give their time and input to help someone they have never met. It does mean the world to me and I can't express how grateful I am for you all helping me stay on the path.