MiracleMan

Thoughts on this topic? Im trying to drop a lot of addictions, trying to limit the amount of stimulation my brain receives. At this point i wake up everday with music loops, and its constant throughout the day. I think this is the reason I'm so tired all the time even when I get plenty of sleep, because I'm using so much energy on these loops. I work out 3x a week, but I want to start doing yoga again too. I'm aware that things were much worse 4 or 5 weeks ago if you try finding my post history, I still have some depressive episodes but they are much shorter and more manageable. I haven't had much progress on the music loops and otherwise just a very busy brain. I'm weening my addictions one by one, and it's been hell really, my body doesn't like it and I've been in a lot of pain and feeling much stress. I fall asleep very easily during my vipasanna meditation. If I clear out my addictions, stick to my practice, and keep doing physical exercise l, I'm hoping my brain will be a bit quieter. If I had to describe it like an ocean, it's like a choppy sea with thunder storms, a lot of noise and wind.

I would be in bad shape if I hadn't established a routine. I want to do more than I'm doing now but yes, I'm doing vipasanna everyday. Right now I'm recommitting to self love and compassion. Objectively I've gotten better but I don't feel amazing, I dont feel good at all. One thing I realized I'm doing is focusing on the negative, so no matter what occurs, I'm still in an abusive thought cycle because I'm always trying to correct what's wrong instead of praising myself for the 90% of my life that is actually going very well. I'm really good at cheating myself out of joy. Whenever I feel it come on its like "whoa be careful with that joy, you don't want to handle it too much you might break it and lose it!" Thank you for introducing me to this guy. Thanks everyone for the amazing advice, truly a gift from the universe.

I was listening to Matt Kahn talk about this very thing, relaxation. I get to this place time and time again, I go through a cycle of breaking down and when i feel like I have an ounce of freedom, boredom strikes. It sounds silly doesn't It? Like boredom is this terrible thing. But when I find myself bored after the stages of breaking down my habit energy, I feel like I'm dying, like something is horribly wrong here, and my body and mind are going crazy. I can't break through this barrier of boredom, it's like I need to fill the gap with something, I feel like in these moments all my demons, all my pain, all my cravings just attack me and beat me into submission until I finally gave in. A few nights ago I was in the shower and the craving to act out bombarded me over and over again but I didn't move, I just let it hit me over and over, I broke down and sobbed, there was nothing else I could do, either be in absolute pain and agony or use again. I'm afraid because using is so easy, and facing that agony is so hard, and I know that it's coming after me again soon.

But how do we overcome habit energy once it takes root, when its been running with it for so many years? Why does the Body actually believe these substances sustain my well being? This is a perfect example of duality, I know in my heart that this harms me greatly, but another part of me is holding on so tightly to the behaviors that only bring temporary relief and contribute to my confusion, monkey mind, and countless other forms of suffering.

They are licking their lips, it's called a mannerism. You might be looking a bit too hard into this. I lick my lips a lot, I'm not enlightened, I don't think mac miller is enlightened either, but then again, what do I know? Are you correlating and conceptualizing a mannerism with spirituality, or do you really believe "there is something there?" It can be a trap.

Thank you for the insight. I've done some thinking about this, and what is bothering me lately is I still have this feeling I'm too attached to ego to gain the benefits, I feel fear and resistance, if I'm alone and the fear takes me, I'm in trouble. I'm either clinging to the ego or it's clinging desperately to me, so great is the fear. Lately I've been recognizing the behaviors that contribute to my anxiety and fear, and my resistance to relaxation, but the awareness of it doesn't ease my discomfort. Case and point: when I become relaxed I get bored, boredom seems to stimulate my habit energy and then I'm manifesting all the negative behaviors I don't want in my life like addiction, porn, video games, nicotine, thc, etc. My vipasanna meditation seems like labor to my ego, but when I finally relax I just become tired and I fall asleep constantly during my practice. It's like if my brain isn't bombarded by stimulation then it freaks out, like being close to emptiness is such terrifying thing. What is really going on here? Am I getting close to some real acceptance, or am I just creating more distractions to entertain my ego?

Yes! Man....please, does the music ever stop completely? I made a post a long while back about my depression/anxiety, I mentioned that I always wake up with a song in my head and I almost always default to playing some track in my head, constantly, at one point I felt like I was going insane but I just accepted it, which is the only thing I could do. It started for me in early childhood, waking up in the morning to tv show theme songs they were the first to form loops. Its gotten worse as an adult, as a kid it would be a brief occurence in the morning. I just try to be mindful when I notice it playing, but it's always there. I get monkey mind a lot too. I am also a musician like yourself, I've been trying to limit the amount of music I listen to and play but I still have the loops.

Why was music slowing down your progress if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks, the biggest threats out here are rattlesnakes and black bears. The black bears usually only want food and scare easy, but I have a bear bag for food, and bear spray just in case a mother with cubs is threatened by me, or the rare case they are rabbid. I'm more worried about biting insects, spiders, ticks, and snakes. I didnt consider they might investigate me while sitting, makes me both curious and anxious.

Hey guys! Im a pretty outsdoorsey person, but its been a while since I've done some serious backpacking. My personal development has led me back to this old hobby, I've gotten some new gear and gone over checklists, now I'm just waiting for some nice weather. The heat indexes out here in the old dominion have reached 105-110 on the weekends so far this year. I've been practicing vipasanna for a brief time, and this is mostly the focus of my retreat, to just find a quiet isolated place to sit, which I'm super lucky that we have an abundance of protected nature preserves and national parks close by, so it shouldn't be difficult to do just that. For folks that have done this before, any precautions or advice that you would give to the first timer? Is solo the way to go or is going with a group much better? Should I plan other activities or should my goal to be to get maximize my time sitting and focusing on the breath? At this point in my personal development im looking to rid myself of addiction, anxiety, and depression, or at the very least, radical acceptance. This is my immediate goal. I've talked it over with my therapist and they think it's an excellent idea.

Wow you just made me realize, eating dried mushrooms is very much like eating a beetle carcass. I really couldn't put my finger on it before, but ugh, you did it. Its like a flaky, dry, crispy, beetle shell, with a hint of shit. Mmmmmmmm mmmmm!!

I've gotten sick from eating mushrooms, and it sucks ass to start off a trip with nausea, pain, and vomiting. It depends on the quality and type of mushroom and what you ate with them and what you have on your stomach. I've eaten them before with amazing trips and no sickness or vomiting, but I think you're better off making a tea like a lot of folks do. All I can say is if you must eat them, make sure you've eaten plenty that day and eat a good decent portion of food with the mushrooms and this helps reduce the chances of sickness tremendously, at least in my experience.

I really want to try ayuhuasca, but my mental state is crowded with so much fear, I think if I was in a proper ceremony and I felt safe enough to let my guard down I could do it. I had some really terrifying trips before, but that was back when I was having panic attacks and I was also using them recreationally, I was in a situation prone to anxiety. DMT scares the shit out of me because of what people describe. I had a bad trip on salvia where I cleared an entire bowl of a 32x extract, I heard the voice of what I perceived as Satan, not to mention i left this world, and when i came back it took me at least 30 seconds to remember where I was and who I was.

I would like to hear some your childhood spiritual experiences. I only read about depersonalization about 5 years ago, and I had to let go of a lot of these profound magical experiences I interpreted as being divine. Likely as a result of a severe anxiety/depressive disorder, I had sometimes bizzare windows into what I thought was a spiritual inquiry. I think this was a way of my brain dealing with trauma as a child, but to this day I still experience some depersonalization from time to time but nothing on the magnitude of what I've experienced before. Sometimes I wake up in this state, things seem bizzare, alien, or sometimes even serene and tranquil. I've never had a frightening depersonalization episode like others have described. They are normally states I enjoy being in and would attempt at times to induce it, but there is no mechanism that I'm aware of, it just happens, or is likely to happen under certain conditions. During these episodes my mind gets quiet, deathly silent, I'm detached, usually in a state of bliss, and I have a very pleasant feeling of just existing, in these moments I feel so utterly complete and content I want to stay in this place forever. It feels like discovery almost, like finding a tranquil grove in the woods after wading through rough brush and difficult terrain. Other times it feels like I'm in an alien world, like things are bizzare and the mind is active and questioning everything, there is confusion. Other episodes feel like there is an entity with me, like a divine presence, but there is very limited thoughts in these states, it's like my background of scrolling thoughts just ceases, it's like you are just existing without thoughts or ideas about who you are, where your going, what happened in your past, what will happen in the future. Large wide open spaces seem to trigger me, and it's more likely to happen if I'm alone than with others, but it's not required. Normally, it just occurs out of no where, anytime, any reason, though sometimes it occurs after a significantly stressful few days. The episodes can last hours or minutes. I had thought that these were profound and "special" experiences. It plays into my ego perfectly. It fits in with the "I am unique and mysterious" paradigm I created. I've let this stuff go for the most part, but it's interesting that it occurs and still occurs. I think it's a defense mechanism that provides me comfort in difficult times. I wouldn't mind hearing if any others have experiences like these.

That is interesting. A very early memory at 4 or 5 years old, one of the first I can still recall, was how uncanny it was walking into a townhouse i lived in as an infant. I couldn't understand why I had no memory of this place. It was the realization I had no prior memory, maybe one of the first times I experienced self inquiry. It was the first time I faced the fact that I couldn't point at where exactly I entered this realm of consciousness.

Do we basically start out enlightened but by early childhood we begin to solidify our ego and societal norms? We aren't born with egos right? I feel like we develop them over time.

Had some nightmares last night, or maybe more of a stress dream than nightmare because while it was disturbing I wasn't really feeling fear. First I was close to a beach with people, and we were attacked by others, then there was a giant tornado preceded by dark clouds and rain. The fighting stopped because of the intense weather, I ran to a vehicle and sped down a single lane road surrounded by woods. The road was flooded in the distance ahead and my path blocked. I turned the vehicle around. It gets blurry after that, I remember having sexual encounters after that in a flooded environment but it seemed normal to me. Very strange. I've been meditating a lot lately but I've also been under a lot of stress, I'm starting a new job and looking at homes to buy, I'm starting a new path in my life, I feel pretty alone and scared. Been dealing with depression/anxiety most of my life. I've resolved a lot of emotional problems over the past few months of doing light PD work, but I've only scratched the surface. This was one of those dreams that provides a very strange and bizzare feeling that lingers throughout the day. I only have intense dreams of this magnitude maybe once or twice per year. I feel like a different person in the smallest way possible after experiences like these, even though I dream most nights, they don't make me feel this way the following day.

That's the point of cold showers is that they suck, no one likes a cold shower!

Surrealist, I think we're the same person lol. I'm the same age, I have very similar "self talk" and attitudes about being the dark silent type. When I was going through school I faced rejection constantly by people I loved and trusted, this was repeated not only in my social life but in my family life as well. I faced verbal abuse, physical abuse, and I was isolated to a windowless basement and left to my own devices. I can't give you much advice seeing as how were kind of on an even playing field, but if you haven't looked into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) I would check it out. It can be very powerful combined with your meditation practice. It's about challenging those negative thoughts and recognizing automatic negative thought patterns like you described at the beginning of your post. The "dark classics" your brain plays can all be named and defined like catastrophizing, denying the positive, fortune telling, all or nothing thinking, etc. You can't fight the monkey mind or reason with it, but you can challenge the truth and validity of those thoughts. You know that "forever alone, not deserving happiness" is exaggerating and catastrophizing, because you can't possibly know it's the truth. I would become a conasuer of truth, and don't believe the dark thoughts, just accept them and then let it go, onto the next thought. It's just a brain, doing what brains do, and brains change every minute of the day. If it can change for the worse, which is the loop your in now, can't it change for the better? Negative thoughts are almost like a bully trying to beat you up, if you confront those thoughts and shine the light of truth you can essentially punch the bully right in the nose. I would imagine your life is objectively okay, it's really an internal struggle right? Use that to validate positivity. I might feel like shit but God damn it my life is objectively okay and I'm okay and I will be okay. And it's okay to feel like shit, sometimes were so focused on the bad, all you feel is shit, sitting back, breathe, let everything go, and for 1 second feel bliss, just try 1 second of relief, and start from there. "In this moment I let it all go, I breathe the air, I feel the sun, I love." My mantra.

Replace the word "NEEDS" with "WANTS" in your statement above and that is what I see as spiritual purification, Nirvana, enlightenment, liberation or whatever word you want to call it. I think what you are confusing here is needs for wants. What I think you are really getting at here is craving and grasping. Liberation is freedom from wanting, craving, grasping. It doesn't mean you'll never crave or want, it means you'll know how to deal with it. Most people can't "deal" with it, we either suppress it or give in, we'd rather not ever notice it all. But if we step back and notice it, name it, we can observe it from a distance and watch the craving ascend, peak, descend, and disentegrate into nothingness. The craving always comes back though right? Eventually I always give in, but I'm practicing this technique. A cool quote for you bro: “Those who enter the gates of heaven are not beings who have no passions or who have curbed the passions, but those who have cultivated an understanding of them.”

There is a tug of war between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex when it comes to addiction. The primitive limbic system can work against us when we get addicted to things that trigger dopamine. The dopamine receptors become weak when we overload them with too much stuff: drugs, video games, porn, alcohol, gambling, food, etc. The brain changes physically, the urge to resist becomes brutal, the prefrontal cortex tries to be rational and pulls one way: to not act on the craving. The limbic system pulls the other way, providing the powerful urge to take the hit or use their chosen substance. We live in a society where we are encouraged to maximize pleasure, we have everything we want and more, its no wonder we have so much depression and anxiety in our society. If you can stop the acting out, for at least 30 days or so, which is literally a mount Everest to a hardcore addict, the brain will heal, its very plastic. The neural pathways that quickly respond to triggers and what drives people to continue addictive behavior become weaker and weaker the more the user stops using. Relapse is possible because you can always easily forge these pathways again, just by thinking about it over and over until you finally cave, then the pathways become stronger and stronger. Dopamine receptors will heal over time when they aren't being bombarded by pleasure, then the everyday life won't be so agonizing, the user no longer has to use to feel "normal". Mindfulness is really the only cure we have for addiction, and it takes a lot of work to accomplish it, especially convincing the average addict that this is the case. If we could give people a pill that would help out it would be amazing, but I'm afraid we just haven't come that far yet in medicine.

@Ry4n Thanks for the insight. Did you do CBT yourself or did you go through a CBT program locally?

On the surface i feel like a lot of folks have grown up with characters like this in their life. To all those who suffered abuse at the hands of loved ones, whether physical, emotional, or both, I send a transmission of loving kindness, may you be well and heal from your past experience for the well being of all. I wrote this early this morning and it's a bit morbid, but I think important to vent or tell your story of pain. Thank you all. My mother had an inferiority complex, or rather, she let my father walk all over her. She was a chronic worrier, had trouble sleeping, I could tell she always felt bad about something. My father was and still is a narccisict. He was an alcoholic, and said and did things without thinking of how they would affect me, like verbal and physical abuse (a belt with a metal tip, man handling me, shoving me up against a wall with a hand on my throat, whipping me with leather gloves, screaming his animal like rage right in my face). He did eventually have an affair, and split the family up. Guys, this was a good thing, i have an extended family i love through my mother remarriage. At the time i didnt know how to feel. In my own mind, I feel the pull of both neurotic and narcissistic personalities. I feel split in half, like these two people should never have had children together. Some days I feel like I want my closest friend to fail because I feel inferior, then proceed to abuse myself for having those thoughts, because I truly love my friend. I feel like my narcissistic father who desires power and control, but i punish this aspect with self hatred, self verbal abuse, worrying, anxiousness, and feelings that I'm evil and capable of great destruction. I experienced rejection, bullying, and humiliation at school and when i came home i had to deal with more from my father and brother (who I don't blame because he was abused as well). I hate and love my father. Certain aspects of him i love but how can i love one who hurt me so bad and will never come to terms that what he did was wrong. This isnt a man you could confront rationally and logically amd expect him to have some sort of self realization. Imagine asking that of Trump, this guy is similar to my dad. I hate the part of me that loves him because he is an abuser, and would never ever have a fleeting moment of grace or self reflection. He is the kind of person that if I told him how I felt about him he would laugh in my face and tell me I'm just a pussy. I've dreamt of getting so strong I could over power him physically, make him pay for hurting a child that wasn't strong enough to defend himself. I'm practing self compassion and love, its difficult and new path for me. I'm venting this out, but I'm wondering if this is a way of holding on to an ego that operates and thrives off of "feeling badly." Should i love my abusers? I hate having normal father/son conversations with this man when in the back of my mind I want to throttle him.

Truth is seen, you can lead a horse to water.

Thank you everyone for the support, I wasn't expecting this much of a response but I'm overwhelmed that you all provided your time and input. I've realized what's been going the past few months and been having these "rage attacks" and depressive episodes. I've been doing a lot of personal development on the psychological side of things, paired with some Buddhist philosophy and breathing meditation. I'm starting to become more aware of my minds background noise and things that i think were otherwise supressed or ignored, I think the fact that I made this post during the rage attack, just having the thoughts here and now and feeling such a surge of emotion, was helping me. I felt the full load of the pain that day, I don't think I was more upset about that event (even during the event) than I was during that post. I looked into forgiveness, one of the things i learned was that i dont need to forgive my father for his actions, what he did wasn't okay. I forgive myself for believing I was the target of what is obviously his own inner pain and rage, however unconscious. I want to break the pattern here and now. In that event, and countless other humiliating events in my life I've come to realize, I made the error of believing the problem lied with me, but through acknowledging the pain and suffering in my perpetrators, I forgive myself for thinking it was my fault, that something was wrong with me. I would like to continue my thoughts when I have more time (work!) so I will leave it here and thank you all again for the kindness. Edit: Thank you guys for introducing me to loving kindness meditation and mantras, and finding Matt Khan through this site has helped me with self compassion and forgiveness. Very powerful life-changing stuff, very thankful I stumbled into this part of web.